DD21 upset with me AIBU or is she

[ML5]

DD21 has a BF (23) all fine no issues there. However they are off soon to a festival next month and she wants me to tell DH that she wants her BF to stay round for 2 nights. I know she’s an Adult however this is not something that DH will agree to as he’s very old school if that makes sense. I’ve told her she has to mention herself and not to tell me to mention as it’s not really down to me to. So now she’s upset with me cos I’m not “helping her out” and according to DD21 “you have ruined my night”.
So AIBU to not mention it or is DD21 being unreasonable. I do feel that it’s not fair for her to get upset with me as I feel as an Adult she should take responsibility herself and mention it.

You could agree on the proviso they realise the walls are thin and you don’t want to be hearing them!

If dh needs to be persuaded Then you are in a better position to do that without dd there.

OP, your daughter is putting it all on you, because she knows full well that if she asks her Father direct, he will say no. She is therefore hoping that if you tell him that she wants to have her BF stay over for a couple of nights, he will say 'I'm not having that!', and then you will say, 'oh, come on love, we'd have to accept it if they were married', or something else that will make him realise that she is all grown up.

It's now become clear that you don't approve of them sleeping together in your house either, which is why you want her to ask her Father herself, as you know he'll say no, and you don't want to be the one to piss her off by being truthful, and telling her that you're not comfortable with it either. However, you've already pissed her off, so you'd have been better off saying, 'actually love, I know it's old fashioned, and we both know your Dad will say no instantly, but in all honesty, I don't feel comfortable with the idea of you sleeping with your boyfriend in the family home either.

Does the bf not visit your home anyway during the day as a guest of your daughter? Surely he knows there’s renovations going on?

What sort of festival are they going to? At 21 why aren’t they just shagging in tents, drinking lager for breakfast and not bathing for 5 days? That is way more fun that staying with parents with ‘thin’ walls. Bloody hell, the youth of today have no fun do they?

If she's comfortable to have him over she should be willing to ask her dad about it.

In any case, it's your and your husband's house so it's really up to the two of you. If they want to stay together and you'd rather not at your place they can go to a hotel or something.

I find this phrasing quite odd “put it on you”.

You’re not sure due to the renovations, you know your husband will probably be unwilling to say yes, why wouldn’t your answer to your daughter be “ok, I’ll discuss it with dad and let you know”. Why does she need to have two separate conversations?

I think you should make the decision for yourself rather than just putting blame onto your DH and allowing their relationship to strain just to keep the peace for yourself.

Honestly either she is an adult or a child currently she is acting like a child ask your dad yourself ffs

No. Your dd didn't pick him as a father-true, but as an adult she HAS chosen to live in his house. I would say both of you need to feel comfortable in your own home, and if something makes one partner uncomfortable, then the other partner should respect that.

Your DD is right that you are not supporting her.

You don't want the bf staying over but you won't tell her that, instead you are blaming your DH because he's old fashioned.

Or, it really is your DH and you're too scared to say anything so you're making up a ridiculous excuse about thin walls and repairs.

Whichever one it is, you're not being honest with your DD (or mn) so no wonder she is upset with you!

It seems like you agree with your husband, but want him to carry the can of being the bad guy.

She DOES share his views! She's said she. She's just hoping that she can get away without saying so. Hence she wants DD to ask him and for him to be the bad guy while OP keeps her mouth shut and comes up smelling of roses.

A day in the life of AIBU.

AIBU?
Yes.
No I’m not and here’s why.

If you are uncomfortable with the idea of your DD sleeping with her BF under your roof (and I can assure you they’ll be doing it elsewhere) - then can you not put them in separate bedrooms, or let the BF sleep on the sofa in order not to upset the sensibilities of your DH? As to making your daughter behave like an adult and ask her father herself, neither of you are exactly treating her like an adult, are you, if you won’t let her have her BF to stay over without a song and dance of who asks whom about what. My own rules, FWIW, was that once my DC had left home, they could tell me on what terms they wished to bring friends home- and if they wanted to share a bed with their BF/GF, that was fine - it’s not as though they wouldn’t have been doing so at university. I agree that it’s your house, your rules - but you might care to consider how much of your DD you want to see in the future, if you are so controlling over her having a BF to stay, and the excuse about doing the house up and thin walls is just that - an excuse, and a feeble one at that.

No, she has to ask him herself. If she wants to be treated like an adult she has to act like one. She can't get mummy to do her dirty work. And of course if your husband says no, then no is the answer. It's always the one who says no who has the veto.
No I don't want another baby.
No I don't eat meat.
No I don't want my child brought up a Catholic
No I don't want random men in my house.
And as an adult she will accept that. Or persuade him otherwise. Herself.

Arsehole sounds like the more appropriate term than conservative here tbh.

Really?
No, I don’t want my kids vaccinated.
No, I don’t want my kids visiting a mosque on a school trip.
No, I don’t want my kids taking sex education.
No, I don’t want you having any male friends.
No, I don’t want you having access to money in an account of your own.
No, you’re not allowed to visit your family.

All comments made by mumsnetters’ husbands which they’ve started threads on and come here for advice. Should they have all been told that their husbands win because the one saying no should always win?

Sometimes people need a bit of help when going up against a man who thinks he is in charge and treated women like their opinions are less than, and who hold misogynistic views. This man is one of those, and his daughter is looking for some back up from her mum because she is a bit scared of dealing with her dad alone.

But you put him on her by procreating with a misogynist with archaic views. So why should she now suffer for that?

This is your opinion

So why bother come on here and ask the question if you are so certain on what the answer is

What was the point of asking if your dead set on what you think

OK, he can stay. Please remember we can hear every bed related noise - remember that episode of Gavin and Stacey?? Job done.

DD (our no 4 child) is 21 and bf stays. He has been up to stay with her at university so what's the difference? They are aduts? Oh, and they've both been on whole family holidays with us twice - all 4 and their partners. Only one couple is married and that was only last week. Hope we don't burn in hell!!

Better in our house than in a Mini Metro!

Surely it doesn't matter which one of you she asks. She asks one of you, one of you says okay we will discuss it and let you know. You discuss it as parents and then come back with a united decision. Am I missing something?

If your DD is old enough to have her boyfriend to stay then she should be adult enough to ask her father herself. However I don’t understand why he should get the final say?

I find that weird too, it’s half my house and if my DW was having guests staying over that I didn’t want I’d be really unhappy and feel like I should have the right to veto. We’re very much two yeses one no. Although if it’s important to the other person we compromise

If your DD at 21 can't speak to her father regarding having her partner stay over for a couple of nights I dread to think how this will play out in a few years time. She will no doubt feel exactly the same. This is how apparently well meaning parents end up with young adults going completely off the rails & to be fair your DD is past that stage. Your DH needs to allow her to grow up.

She's old enough to ask herself. Sounds like she already knows the answer will be no and is hoping you can talk him round. But you don't want to and it's not actually important, so nope you are not being unreasonable.

I feel like people are reaching here, OP is saying she’s not scared of her husband but knows he won’t want DDs bf staying over so she’s not getting in the middle.

I personally think it’s fine to have old fashioned views, if you want to have your bf sleeping over then get your own place.