DD21 upset with me AIBU or is she

[ML5]

DD21 has a BF (23) all fine no issues there. However they are off soon to a festival next month and she wants me to tell DH that she wants her BF to stay round for 2 nights. I know she’s an Adult however this is not something that DH will agree to as he’s very old school if that makes sense. I’ve told her she has to mention herself and not to tell me to mention as it’s not really down to me to. So now she’s upset with me cos I’m not “helping her out” and according to DD21 “you have ruined my night”.
So AIBU to not mention it or is DD21 being unreasonable. I do feel that it’s not fair for her to get upset with me as I feel as an Adult she should take responsibility herself and mention it.

OP you need to sit your husband down & tell him what’s what !
She is 21 for god sake !
There are parents our there always worried about their children , yes Adult children, around with the wrong crowd, no contact from them when they’re away at festivals & wherever they are ..
You mentioned he’s a nice lad , they want to go to festival, & your daughter wants to come & stay at home after ..
Wouldn’t it be lovely getting up in the morning, having breakfast together, & hear all about their night !
Like I say , there are families who’d give anything for that ….

You say this cos we don’t feel comfortable with DD having her bf round for 2 nights considering we are in the middle of home repairs and walls are thin
It should be down to DD to mention not tell me then say to me I’ve ruined her night

But you obviously think you have veto over him!

I find this attitude so weird, ‘old school’ or not. She’s a grown woman and you should support her, your DH is massively unreasonable and his views are outdated at best.

Still don't get it - just remind her the walls are thin. She probably already knows.. Do you and your DH never have sex if she's home?

Are you seriously saying that you and your dh object because you’re in the middle of house renovations? That’s bullshit.

If you’re going to ask MN advice at least be honest. You don’t feel comfortable her having a bf stay. Own it. And tell her you both feel that way.

What a daft excuse, walls are thin?! I mean come on.

And this is our house
Our Rules may seem outdated but my AIBU was why I should be seen as the bad one

I can see OP on here in a few years time moaning that her adult kids never come round to see her.
Your excuses are a bit pathetic to be honest, house repairs and thin walls. 🙄

So which is it? Your views are outdated because you actually just don’t believe an adult woman should be having a sexual relationship? Or is it because of the renovations?

Well yes she’s an adult, but your DH is treating her like a child and from her POV you are sitting back and watching him throw his paternalistic man of the house weight about.

Why do you keep mentioning thin walls? Do you and DH have loud screaming sex every night?

And it’s your home, so what if it is in the middle of refurb? It happens, the boyfriend isn’t a judge for Homes and Gardens is he?

Be prepared to back your Dd up, relax, getting to know the boyfriend much better can only be good.

Well by this comment you clearly think your DH is being reasonable since you say "our rules" not "his rules". If you don't want him to stay then you tell your daughter that yourself, why are you trying to make out your husband is the bad one?

I think you are at risk of seriously alienating your daughter and losing the chance of building a solid adult relationship with her. I agree you should have her back on this and tell your DH in no uncertain terms that he is being absurd. As are you about the repairs - in DD’s eyes, he is a member of the family, not some formal guest who needs to be treated with kid gloves. I also doubt that if they are just crashing at your place for a couple of nights to go to a festival that they will want to have sex while they are there. Too weird for them too. This isn’t like a 17 year old who lives at home wanting her 17 year old boyfriend to sleep over precisely so they have somewhere to have sex.

Wow got some negative replies here making me out to be a bad mum
Adult DD should speak to DH herself not put it on me

Why did you post on here if you weren't prepared to hear any opposing views?

My children had partners staying overnight and I can honestly say that I never heard them having loud sex ..we don’t live in a massive house! I think you will find that most people are respectful when sleeping in their parents home!

Well tbh, it’s both their opinions that count. Op shouldn’t override him, just as he shouldn’t be able to override her. It might be an old fashioned concept to some, but it’s their home, and if they want to impose boundaries then the dd should abide by them.

But you agree - why are you wanting your dh to take the blame? This is your decision as well.

Because you picked him. She didn’t. You picked a man with misogynistic views and had a child with him, knowing that child could be a daughter and she would have an ogre for a father. You picked that.

Now she is an adult but with the country the way it is, more and more adults need to live at home for longer. But it’s her home too, not just yours and she deserves to be treated as an adult and have her boyfriend stay in her home. But since you picked a patriarchal man for a husband, she has to put up with him as a dad and has to stand up to him and say that her boyfriend is staying over… and she wants some support from her mum.

What’s wrong with you?

What do you mean by place it all on you? He's your DH, you should be able to approach him to have a conversation about it. That comment does sound like there is reason to be scared. If I was in your situation I would tell DD that I'm not sure I want him to stay but will discuss it with her dad. I'd then approach DH and say DD wants BF to stay, I'm not sure about it because... what do you think?

ETA- didn't realise I was quoting here, it wasn't intended.

Surely you'd just say to dh, dd is bringing bf to stay and be done with it? What age will be acceptable? Or what thickness of walls?

Old school? How old? Is he 97?

Yes she is an adult so should mention it to her dad herself.

However, regardless of what house repairs you are having done - what does the thickness of the walls have to do with anything?

Surely her partner has been round plenty of times / stayed over / knows about the repairs?

Old school as in when they still wrote on slate & left at 9 to go work down the mines? Utterly ridiculous!

Why ask if you are not going to reflect/listen. If you would be ok with it, mention it to DH first but it sounds like you agree with DH and are wanting him to say no (or DD not ask) so you don’t have to be the bad person.

If my DD wanted me to raise this with her father, then I would. I'm assuming you don't share his views, and are her equal parent, so you should stand up for what you feel is right. If you've allowed a situation where your husband rules the roost so much that he is still restricting DDs relationship at the age of 21, then I think its overdue that you fight her corner. It's not really on to just opt out claiming is none of your concern when it's your home too and you have equal say.