DD21 upset with me AIBU or is she

[ML5]

DD21 has a BF (23) all fine no issues there. However they are off soon to a festival next month and she wants me to tell DH that she wants her BF to stay round for 2 nights. I know she’s an Adult however this is not something that DH will agree to as he’s very old school if that makes sense. I’ve told her she has to mention herself and not to tell me to mention as it’s not really down to me to. So now she’s upset with me cos I’m not “helping her out” and according to DD21 “you have ruined my night”.
So AIBU to not mention it or is DD21 being unreasonable. I do feel that it’s not fair for her to get upset with me as I feel as an Adult she should take responsibility herself and mention it.

Of course, I have never said she should agree to it. It just seems a whole heap of potentially ongoing drama if dd doesn’t get married for years but has a bf.

Why should your dd speak to your dh? Does he have the power to overrule you, or do you want her to waste her time talking to your dh when it will make no difference? Or have you been absolutely pathetic and not told your dd you do not want her boyfriend staying over, because you are a selfish person who finds it easier always to make your dh out to be the bad guy? You really don’t come across well here - just accept the fact your dd thinks you ruined her night, instead of whining that it’s not fair. She has clearly attributed her upset to the right place, even if not for precisely the right reason. If it makes you feel any better, though, she evidently thinks your dh is not worth talking to, because he wouldn’t agree to it unless she had your support, so he’s automatically a bad guy in her eyes who would happily ruin her evening.

I've just realised that the DD and BF are going to a festival (presumably under canvas). Maybe they could pitch their tent in OP's garden for the nights they want to stay there? Would that be a compromise that would work - it would not (technically) be under her roof and the thin walls wouldn't be an issue then either? I guess OP and her DH might worry about what the neighbours would think though.

In my opinion if she is old enough to have her BF around to stay then she should be old enough to have that conversation with her dad.

Although having said that my children ask me to ‘lay the seed’ in DH mind so he’s more likely to yes to their requests (although it’s not usually over people staying).

No you are not a bad mom, you know why she is getting you to speak to your husband because she knows how he feels about it, then when it all goes wrong she can blame you. Tell her to speak to her Dad herself as she is an adult. It is both of your house your & your husbands if you don’t want to have him stay say no. Your house your rules.

Can you expand on what you mean by ‘old school’.

Presumably this is a man in his fifties? Is he very religious? Do you have sons and does he apply his views equally to both?

I am in my forties and have parents who still treat me like a child. It had really damaged our relationship. My dad (in his seventies) talks down to me - not sure if he would be the same with a son as he only has girls.

knock this on the head now - your daughter is an adult. You are right, your daughter should be able to have a conversation with her dad. But the big question is why she can’t.

Are you scared of him?Certainly you should support your daughter and discuss with your husband. I don't use the word 'ask because it is your house as well so not his sole decision.

You may look back in 10 years time and think, in the great scheme of things, was it worth all this angst. The answer will probably be no. Life's too short, your DH needs to look at what could be worse.

Sit down together with DH.
Tell him, you haven't agreed. Yet.
Can he sleep on the sofa. My oldest brother didn't share a bed with his GF now wife, in my parents house, 4 younger sisters, wasn't the right thing ATT.
He slept downstairs while GF took the bedroom.

I would be happy to mention this to my dad. My dad also old school and would let bf stay but not in the same room etc until we were married. Despite me being pregnant 🤣 and 37! I guess it depends on the ask.

She’s an adult, she can ask him herself.

Where else is there for your daughter and her boyfriend to stay if not with you? Is there another local relative who isn't having building work done with a spare room?

I can't tell whether your daughter lives with you or elsewhere.

If she's ever lived in your current house with you she'll be aware of the thinness of the walls and how sound carries.

Finding an alternative solution for next month and until you've finished renovating gives you and your husband time to discuss. The reality is that if you don't respect their relationship as it is, they are likely to spend less time with you. That may not be 'cured' if they marry because the damage will be done now. Your husband is wrong on this issue and you should be working with your daughter to change his mind.

Are you refusing to ask for her because you don't want to deal with DH reaction? Would he give you a load of shit for it?

21 and having to ask for that? Surprised she still lives at home.hubby needs telling not asking.

??

you both seem to be walking on eggshell around DH so she is right that you should take your part in this. She isn’t in assuming that you should ask instead of her.

your house your rule but then she will go elsewhere so choose wisely.

If you guys are ok with her going onto a festival alone with that guy. Don’t you want to see how he is in the evening too?

Not all men will be comfortable with their daughters having a man in their bedroom. But since your getting repairs done maybe it best they get a hotel or b&b?

I would allow in them in the same room. The boyfriend may have sex with her,

Sorry OP but you’re being vvv unreasonable here. DD has asked YOU. Surely you’re able to reply without needing to “ask” your DH? It seems to me like you want to say no as well (for what seems a ridiculous reason about thin walls ) but don’t want to be the bad guy so you want her to ask her dad to be told no. Then you can blame your DH.

Sounds like you just don’t want to do it and you want people to agree with you. Well, I think you’re wrong and you should do your daughter this one favor. How is that asking too much?

I can't imagine not welcoming my children's partners into my home. Very strange way to behave with adults. You need to advocate for your daughter. House being in a state in not a valid reason and is easily explained to any guest. Some families are so controlling and weird.

You are right . If she wants him to stay she should ask . If one or both of don’t want him to stay it’s your or your husbands right to say no . I wouldn’t allow anyone to stay in my house if my husband was not comfortable with it and I’m sure he would behave the same way

Ah so it’s not just your husband, as you’ve said yourself “our rules”. Are you always so unhelpful with your daughter?

You sound like the kind of parent your children will eventually go non contact with

Your poor daughter! 21 years old and she is still being treated like a child! You need to stand up for her and tell your partner that his old fashioned ways are inappropriate in this day and age.

There has been a lot or response already including the standard abuse of the word misogyny (there is no evidence the husband would have a different attitiude if it was a son wanting to have his girlfriend over for the night, so there is no evidence for any hatred of women here🙄). My opinion is the OP and her daughter should approach the husband/father together and discuss it like civilised adults. If views are opposed and entrenched, ultimately someone is going to have to back down and it might have to be the daughter, and in that case, they would be best finding a cheap B&B if they want to spend the night together.

My parents had a similar viewpoint in that if I were ever to bring a girlfriend back to stay overnight, we would be sleeping in seperate rooms, that was a rule applied to any mixed sex couple, only people who were married were allowed to share a bed. I never had girlfriends in my youth but if I had, I would have had to respect that rule given it is their house and my father was not someone anyone was going to confront and have any chance of success if his opinion was strong enough.