DD21 upset with me AIBU or is she

[ML5]

DD21 has a BF (23) all fine no issues there. However they are off soon to a festival next month and she wants me to tell DH that she wants her BF to stay round for 2 nights. I know she’s an Adult however this is not something that DH will agree to as he’s very old school if that makes sense. I’ve told her she has to mention herself and not to tell me to mention as it’s not really down to me to. So now she’s upset with me cos I’m not “helping her out” and according to DD21 “you have ruined my night”.
So AIBU to not mention it or is DD21 being unreasonable. I do feel that it’s not fair for her to get upset with me as I feel as an Adult she should take responsibility herself and mention it.

Not everyone wants unrelated adults in there home and private space. It doesn't mean they are bad parents.

Ah the old...

OP = aibu?
Majority = YES yabu
OP = drip feed & double down

Not worth the energy of typing a response. The OP is perfectly ok that her husband is controlling, and is just looking for validation that she is the same.

As you yourself are also uncomfortable with him staying, you need to say that…. Not push it over to your DH by saying your daughter is an adult so should ask him. You know that he will say no, so you get out of being the ‘bad guy’.
You need just need to say ‘I’m sorry DD but I’m not comfortable for him to stay over, and your Dad definitely won’t be so you need to look at alternatives.’
You are not being unreasonable to decide on whatever rules you wish in your own home, you are being unreasonable for not just stating the truth and making your DH be the one to say it.
I think it’s odd, although I never asked for partners to stay at home as I knew it would make my Dad feel uncomfortable (lone parent who is/was a little socially awkward).
Once my children are adults and in stable relationships they’d be welcome.
I wouldn’t want a random person they had just met in a club being brought back but if you exclude their friends and partners then you only get a small snapshot of their lives rather then getting to be part of more.

Can’t you just say “I’m uncomfortable with him staying over too so if you want him to you have to raise it with your father - if one of us agrees then yes”?

I’m surprised people are ganging up on you on this. Yes, she’s an adult, but she’s also living with her parents.

I agree that she shouldn’t have blamed you for ruining her night because that’s her own fault for not being able to ask her father a question. She’s 21, not 12.
I don’t really get the issue with the BF staying over though. How long have they been together? Presumably he’s been in the house during the renovations?
If yes then I don’t understand why he couldn’t stay. Be careful that you don’t push her away and she starts staying at his more and more …..

She sounds like she's 10 years old. Completely unreasonable.

Ah....

I remember my mum told my dad off and overuled him when he was funny about DH and I (then DP) sharing a bed at home when I was in my early 20s. This was 25 years ago. Sounds like you need to do the same, OP.

I agree with this.

Op, I think it is fine to have your views and your preferences. But it sounds as if you are trying to manipulate situation just as much as DD.

And for what it's worth, I do understand how hard it is to change mindsets. But in this case, I think it is worth reflecting on the bigger picture. Your phrasing and attitudes reminds me of some in my parent's generation, but I assume you are closer to my age. You've got to appreciate the life and times we live in, as well as think practically about the effect moments and decisions like this will have on your adult relationship with your daughter. She will be aware that her parents being awkward about an established boyfriend crashing for a couple of nights at 21 makes her a real outlier. She will know moving forward that you are laid back and welcoming, or awkward and untrusting, it looks like you have some sway over which way this goes.

Have a think and chat with your husband about what your lines really are. What if they get married next week? What if she never married, will you allow her partner to stay over when she's 31? Will she even be visiting you by then....?
Good luck!

Growing up and seeing how parents treated their older kids in a controlling way I noticed that those same parents complained when through the following years their kids rarely came to visit them.

You have no respect for your child so it's unlikely she will bother much with you.

Why does he need to agree to it, it’s your house as well. If you’re ok with it then let the bf stay. Are you both scared of your husband? He sounds like an arse.

Seems that way.

I don’t think you actually are ok with it yourself. You should just tell her you don’t want the BF there, instead of putting it all on your husband and hiding behind him pretending it’s him who is ‘old school’
Just be honest. It’s not wrong to say you aren’t comfortable about it.

Why use such stupid, derogatory language about someone you’ve never met? MN is the pits sometimes.

What is he, husband and father, or Boss Of Everyone?
Fair enough if you both don't want someone staying over if the house is a state because you're having work done. But generally "DD's boyfriend is staying one night so they can get an early start on going to the festival" shouldn't be a big deal. Thin walls? Ok I get what you are getting at, but I promise you, your daughter knows that. She lives there.

You are both scared to talk to him by the sounds of it. Not a nice situation to be in.

You are not ok with it OP. You don’t want to be made out to be the “bad guy” but you prefer your DD to talk to DH so he can tell her no and carry the can.
I actually don’t disagree with your position - I don’t want young adult kids (21) having boyfriends/girlfriends sleeping over but you should say it yourself.

Give over with the abusive bit - you'll have her LTB next!

If she'll see her dad face to face then I agree she can ask him, but if she'd have to ask him over the phone/text/email etc. then I can understand why she might think you'd have a better chance of persuading him face to face. She wants me to mention it so if he disagrees she will say I agreed to it doesn't make sense to me, though - she'd only be able to tell him you said yes if SHE was having the convo; if you're having it then naturally you'd tell your husband your thoughts on them staying.

Does she know that you're not happy about his coming, and that the renovations are the reason?

Maybe because you chose her 'old school' dad. Maybe because she is scared of him and his reaction. What is their relationship normally like?

YANBU. She should ask him herself, but, it would help pave the way if you agreed.

If you don't want to get involved because you agree with him is something you need to discuss with your daughter.

Do you have enough space to offer separate rooms? That is the compromise. They can stay, but in separate rooms. My 3 adult children have not objected to this. They know our reasons. We are on same page and before anyone asks, yes, it was same for us and we were married before we had sex or lived together so not being hypocritical. 23 years in, still very happy and no regrets. We do not expect our kids to agree with all we do and say but we do expect them to respect our rules in our house. And for us, it has not driven them away. DS is on Uni holiday and has a GF.They spend their time 50/50 and we see lots of both of them.

You both sound scared of your husband.

Hence your daughter is looking for your support.

You should be most concerned that your 21 year old is afraid to ask and your inclination is not to support her but to protect yourself.

Whatever dominance your husband has over the home it's fxxked up and not normal and your 21 year old is going to remember it.

Start supporting her properly or pay the price when you don't see her for dust.

It sounds like an oppressive home.

Why wouldn't you want to support your child and intervene if necessary?

Very strange.

Only in abusive, controlling homes where women are afraid, would a woman be so terrified of supporting their child.

Are you afraid of retribution from him?

Even if they did they could keep the noise down, some peeps wouldn't want to have sex with half /disapproving parents in the house.