DD21 upset with me AIBU or is she

[ML5]

DD21 has a BF (23) all fine no issues there. However they are off soon to a festival next month and she wants me to tell DH that she wants her BF to stay round for 2 nights. I know she’s an Adult however this is not something that DH will agree to as he’s very old school if that makes sense. I’ve told her she has to mention herself and not to tell me to mention as it’s not really down to me to. So now she’s upset with me cos I’m not “helping her out” and according to DD21 “you have ruined my night”.
So AIBU to not mention it or is DD21 being unreasonable. I do feel that it’s not fair for her to get upset with me as I feel as an Adult she should take responsibility herself and mention it.

Well if she old enough to have a bf she is old enough to speak for herself but is it her fault she cant speak to her dad or his?

He’s very short sighted.

If you want to see much of your adult children it pays to be welcoming to their potential and actual partners.

Unless your child’s future in-laws are more unwelcoming than you are then be prepared for them to choose to spend more time with them. First impressions are important on BOTH sides and parents of adult children can be a bit slow to catch on to the fact that they don’t have all the control anymore.

So confusing. Put all what on you? This surely isn’t a massive issue either way. If you don’t want him staying, just say no? Or say yes? Your husband doesn’t really need to vote at all.

is she an adult or a child? I was certainly allowed to have my boyfriend stay at that age (we have been married 20 years now!) but I did have to pretend to stay in another room at his parents’ house - no bother with it as it was their house and their rules. By the time we were 22 we were living together anyway so everyone gave up on any opinions they had.

Why are you BOTH so worried to even ASK?
I know why ( I think), and it's not worth the hassle to even ask beforehand.

you could just say they can stay, I'm assuming you all live together, deal with the ridiculous fall out when it happens.

You are not in the wrong and neither is DD.

Why bother telling her to ask her dad, if you’re not happy about it yourself anyway? Just say you’d rather the bf didn’t stay with you as the house is a mess, and suggest they get a travelodge instead?

I just find this attitude so weird. You keep mentioning thin walls - the probability is that your daughter has no intention of having sex on your house, she just wants her boyfriend to stop over! She is 21 and very much an adult now.

Has she been with him for a while? I let my adult children’s boyfriends/girlfriends stay but only if they have been with them for a while. I wouldn’t let someone stay over if they have only known them for a couple of weeks.

I agree with other posters, she is the one who should be asking her dad, not you.

Yabu on all counts. She's an adult. Why did you ask if you didn't want to hear and are just going to carry on without reconsidering?!

What an old fashioned and selfish approach to a totally normal request from someone her age. I feel for her on this. You should be in her side. Not making her feel guilty.

What age did you and your husband start having sex? Was it before marriage? Assuming neither of you did it in your parents homes how did you make do? Park benches? Back seat of the car? In the bins round the back of McDonalds? This what you want for your daughter?

YABU because you won’t have a grown up conversation with your spouse about what your agreed house rules are.

Are you scared of your husband? If not, why are you avoiding talking to him about this and using language like ‘putting it on me’ like you and your DD are teenagers who don’t want to talk to the head teacher.

At 22-23 they are able to ask both of you, and if DH old school the young couple can figure out separate sleeping arrangements in the home during his overnight visits (couch for him/your dd in her room).

@LightDrizzle Being welcoming doesn't mean someone gets to stay in your home for 2 days, just that you ask them if they'd like a cup of tea when they visit. There's nothing to suggest this is a first impression situation.

Op - AIBU?
MN- Yes
OP. NO I'm not!
Why even bother posting @ML5 ?

It's only 57/43, not an overwhelming majority.

But yes, don't ask AIBU if not prepared to consider the opposite view.

ML5- are you afraid of him?

You obviously don't want it to happen either OP so instead of putting it on your dh to say no, you be the adult and say no.

@ML5 I’m concerned that you’re scared of your husband. Sounds like a big row will come if you disobey his stance.

Your husband is being ridiculous. She’s 21!!!!
jesus Christ. He needs to get with the times. How awful for her (and you??) that you have to tip toe round things he won’t accept in your family unit that are completely normal. I hope your dd doest feel this same level of submissiveness to her boyfriend or any future partners / men. I’m not sure why you also seem to think your husband gets to decide when she is a 21yo fully grown woman.

This!

This doesn't really seem to be about DD asking her dad. Your DD is upset with you for not supporting her wish to have BF stay. You want to not be the bad guy you just want her to ask her Dad who you both know will say No. I think it's fine for DD to be upset with you - but you also get to have your own opinion. So you aren't wrong, other than not owning it.

I agree.

If she sold enough to have a BG stay over she’s old enough to ask herself.

I guess she knows his opinion on it and knows you can be swayed, so wants you to persuade him. If you don’t want to do that then don’t. She has a right to feel annoyed, she’s 21. And people will say she can move out if she doesn’t like it, but incredibly hard for youngsters these days.

All those screaming "she is an adult"! Well she can move out then right? Last I checked it's home owners decision who they invite over and for how long.

I agree. OP’s daughter clearly knows that her dad won’t like her sharing a bed with her boyfriend in the parents’ house, so I don’t know why she doesn’t just accept that for a couple nights. Either stay in the house in separate beds, or share a bed and stay someplace else.

YANBU, OP.