AIBU to wonder my manager lied about her daughter’s school?

[temptemp2]

Not sure if I’m overthinking this or if something odd is going on.

A while ago, my manager and I were chatting about our kids. She was asking about SATs for her 8-year-old DD. I explained what I knew and also mentioned the 11+ since my DS (14) is at a grammar school and went through the process.
She said her daughter isn’t really into study so there is no point getting a tutor. She made it sound like school isn’t really her thing.

Then just the other day, I overheard her telling someone else at work that her daughter is at a private grammar school. That really threw me, especially after our earlier conversation. I did not say anything, but I felt a bit taken aback.

I get that people do not always share everything, and maybe she didn’t want to go into it before, but it felt like a lie especially after she asked me for info and gave the impression her daughter wouldn’t be doing anything like the 11+. Why say all that if her daughter is already at a private grammar?

AIBU to feel confused and like she was being a bit dishonest?

Maybe she was confused. I am. I don’t know what a private primary grammar school is. In my area there are regular schools and private schools. I only know of Bristol Grammar School but that’s private and fee paying. Maybe she’s just getting her terminology wrong.

@temptemp2

'She did lie. She told me her daughter is not academic, does not enjoy studying, and that there is no point getting a tutor, giving the clear impression that selective schools were not relevant for them. That was not vague or open to interpretation, it was a pretty definite statement.'

No, she did not lie because she did not mention what kind of school the daughter attends when talking to you!

Both things can be true, i.e.

1. Daughter not really into study

2. Daughter is privately educated, attends a grammar/private school or whatever school it is...

Why don't you just ask her about it?

The fact this is your reaction is probably why she gave a slightly different view in the first place.

If she’d wanted to 1-up you she’d have just said up front DD does need a tutor she’s excelling a x school so will go in to y school.

I understand what people are saying, and I know that excelling can mean more than just academics. I am not saying a child cannot be both doing well in some areas and not interested in studying. That is totally possible.

But she did not mean excelling socially or developmentally. She has an only child and has said before that her daughter is lonely and does not have many friends, so that clearly was not what she meant.

What I am saying is that the way she spoke to me gave a very clear impression that her daughter was not in any kind of selective environment and that it would not be worth even considering one. Then I heard her telling someone else that her daughter is excelling at a private grammar school with entrance assessments. That is not just about how you define excelling, it is about the fact that she presented two completely different pictures depending on who she was talking to.

I am repeating myself because people keep asking the same question or assuming I misunderstood. I am just explaining clearly why I believe she was not being honest.

I still don’t see why you have concluded that she’s lying about anything. Her DD may have passed an assessment for her school at the age of 7 but that doesn’t mean she would be academically capable of passing the 11+.

It is not just about the individual sentences. It is the overall impression she gave me.

She asked me about SATs, I mentioned the eleven plus and said my son is at a grammar school. She said her daughter is not into studying, not academic, and that there is no point getting a tutor. The way she said it made it sound like selective schools were not even something they would consider. It really came across like her daughter was just at an ordinary state school and not interested in that kind of thing at all.

She did not name the school, but she gave a picture that turned out to be totally different from the truth.

Then I heard her telling someone else her daughter is doing really well at a private grammar school with entrance tests. That school had already finished for the holidays, which matched up with what I had noticed.

So yes, she lied. Not by saying one specific false sentence, but by giving me a version of things that just was not true.

What are you going to do about the situation?

I am repeating because people keep asking the same question.

I get that plenty of bright children are not academic in the traditional sense and that different schools suit different kids. That is not what I am questioning.

The issue is that she told me her daughter was in a regular school and would not be sitting the eleven plus. That was said directly. So when she later told someone else that her daughter is already at a private grammar school with entrance assessments, it was a completely different story.

It is not about dissecting every word. It is that what she said to me and what she said to someone else do not line up at all. And that is why I believe she was not being honest.

Bristol Grammar School is now an independent school. It was grant maintained until 1974 when the Labour government abolished it.

Trust me when I say I’ve seen and heard all this oneupmanship in offices. Their kid is the best. Their kid was the most wanted kid. Their kid is better than your kid. Grammar school seems a trigger. That’s why she’s added “private”.

I have not repeated this to anybody at work, and I would not. I brought it here to get outside perspective.

There is no vendetta. I just realised that what she told me was not true, and that has changed how I see her. She gave me a very different version of her situation than what she later told someone else. I am not angry or jealous, but I am not going to pretend it did not happen either. I simply will not trust her in the same way again because she lied.

She actually did say her daughter was in an ordinary school. That was part of the conversation. She made it sound like there was no point getting a tutor because her daughter was not academic and would not be sitting the eleven plus, and that they were not looking at anything selective.

That is why it stood out so much when she later told someone else her daughter is at a private grammar school (her words). It was not just vague or left open to interpretation, she gave me a completely different impression. That is why she lied.

Well maybe she just doesn’t want her kids to be mixing with plebs who can’t afford private school but thought that might be a bit rude to say that 😆

Why didn't she say this directly to OP then if this was the aim?
And most people who know about grammars know that the private part is meaningless.

She said her daughter was at an ‘ordinary school’?

I don't know if this is the case, but many private schools have a scholarship programme for taking bright kids that can pass the entrance exams. Previously, when the 11+ did exist, they would take pupils that would otherwise have gone to grammar school, but there is not a grammar in that catchment. My Dad passed his 11+ and ended up being placed in a private school as a grammar (non-paying) pupil, the same private school still does this. My dad haaaaated it, but that's another story.

Also hope the manager isn’t on MN or next week could be interesting 😬

I gave up reading the thread but I feel sorry for your manager OP, you sound like hard work.

Why do you care? I hate telling my colleagues about my private life. It’s none of their business.

She actually did say her daughter was in an ordinary school.

Are you sure about that? I can't imagine that that could have happened as you're now remembering it. Because otherwise that would've been the crux of your thread - 'Manager told me their child goes to state school, but it was a lie'. The other detail about 11+ and the kid's academic performance would be irrelevant.

Maybe she was playing a game to see if you would mention (no doubt for the millionth time) that your son goes to a grammar school.

I don’t see how this could be oneupmanship as the manager gave op the impression their child was doing worse than her son.

Are you sure you haven’t got your wires crossed in the effort you made to break your neck to shoehorn in how your son is at a grammar school after passing the 11+ when the manager specifically asked you about SAT’s? I’m failing to understand why you brought that up. It sounds more like YOU were bragging and now feel your nose is out of joint thinking her child is at a better school than your DS. Maybe she knows you’re a bit like that and couldn’t be arsed to make it a competition with you.

True 😂

Yes

I hope she is. Would be good to get her perspective!