AIBU to wonder my manager lied about her daughter’s school?

[temptemp2]

Not sure if I’m overthinking this or if something odd is going on.

A while ago, my manager and I were chatting about our kids. She was asking about SATs for her 8-year-old DD. I explained what I knew and also mentioned the 11+ since my DS (14) is at a grammar school and went through the process.
She said her daughter isn’t really into study so there is no point getting a tutor. She made it sound like school isn’t really her thing.

Then just the other day, I overheard her telling someone else at work that her daughter is at a private grammar school. That really threw me, especially after our earlier conversation. I did not say anything, but I felt a bit taken aback.

I get that people do not always share everything, and maybe she didn’t want to go into it before, but it felt like a lie especially after she asked me for info and gave the impression her daughter wouldn’t be doing anything like the 11+. Why say all that if her daughter is already at a private grammar?

AIBU to feel confused and like she was being a bit dishonest?

Why are you even giving this headspace?? 🤦‍♀️🤯

I’m really not blowing it out of proportion. I fully understand that private schools often don’t do SATs, and that many have different approaches to assessment and entrance. I also know that some parents choose private schools specifically because their child isn’t academic and would benefit from smaller classes or a broader curriculum. That’s all fair enough and not the issue.

What didn’t sit right was the way she presented things to me. She asked me about SATs, and we had what felt like a genuine conversation. I mentioned the 11+ because it came up naturally, and she responded in a way that strongly implied selective schools weren’t even a consideration. Then later she told someone else that her daughter is already at a private grammar school.

It wasn’t just a difference in wording. It felt like two completely different stories. I’m not losing my mind over it, but it did leave me questioning why she felt the need to be so vague or misleading with me. It’s not about the school. It is about honesty and consistency in how someone communicates, especially when they initiate the conversation.

I think you are way too invested in this. Likely it is a misunderstanding, but unless you ask, which will be strange and awkward you will never know. They are not your friend so I would just leave it.

Definitely confront her. Tell her what you've told us, that she has lied and misled you. Then come back and let us know how it went.

🍿

Because it felt disingenuous and when someone you work closely with gives you two completely different versions of something, it naturally makes you pause and think. I'm not obsessing over it, but it's been sitting in the back of my mind and I wanted to sense-check it with others. Sometimes things just don’t sit right, and I think it’s ok to reflect on it.

I’m not invested, just wondered about it because the conversation stuck in my mind. But you’re right. She is not a friend, and I’m not going to ask.

@temptemp2

Could it have been that it was her that was actually trying to find out if, in fact, your child is at a grammar school, and for some reason she couldn't believe that?

The daughter may very well be excelling at the Independent school she is at, which happens to have the word Grammar in it.

It does not mean she is excelling enough to pass the 11+ which will be required for a non fee paying Grammar, nor would she pass the entrance exams for fee paying Grammar schools / Independent schools.

You don't know how clever / bright / intelligent the daughter was when she started at her current school thus maybe she has excelled ?!

Maybe the mother knows / believes / thinks having a tutor for 11+ exams would not make enough of a difference ?

Maybe the daughter can stay at her current school until she is 18.

There are non selective independent schools.

I don't think the mother is lying to anyone.

I think she doesn't want / need everyone to know / realise her daughter is at Independent school.

Maybe she doesn't want to look like she is showing off / bragging / has more disposable income than others

• especially those she manages.

It doesn’t sound as though she lied to you. I think it’s possible that you got the wrong end of the stick? Her child’s school isn’t a grammar school in the usual sense (a competitive state secondary school). It’s a private school that just happens to have the word grammar in its name.

As to whether her daughter is excelling? Well, that could mean anything. Perhaps she’s doing well at her school but isn’t particularly academic so would be unlikely to pass the 11+.

The way she asked questions about SATs and then kind of dismissed the idea of tutoring or selective schools almost felt like she was testing the waters. Maybe she didn’t expect me to say my son was at a grammar school, or didn’t believe. Who knows. It is possible there was some kind of point-scoring or comparison going on, but it’s hard to tell.

I understand all of that and I agree there are plenty of reasons why someone might choose a private school, selective or not, and many parents don't want to seem like they're bragging.

But I still believe she lied to me. She didn’t just avoid saying her daughter was at an independent school, she actively created a different story. She told me her daughter isn’t academic, that there’s no point getting a tutor, and gave the impression that selective schools weren’t even being considered. But the school her daughter is at is a private grammar with known entry criteria, and she’s been there since Year 3.

Also, if her daughter really were at an ordinary state primary like she implied, she wouldn’t have already finished for the holidays. The private grammar school she mentioned to someone else by name had already broken up, which matches up exactly with what I’d noticed.

She could have simply said they’ve chosen a school that suits her daughter or that she’s already at a school they’re happy with. Instead she made it sound like she wouldn’t have a chance at anything selective and that there was no point trying, while her daughter is already in that environment.

That’s not just being private or modest. That’s being deliberately misleading.

She did lie. It wasn’t just a misunderstanding or me getting the wrong end of the stick. She told me directly that her daughter isn’t academic, doesn’t enjoy studying, and there was no point getting a tutor. That gave a very clear impression that selective schools weren’t part of the picture at all.

But the school she later mentioned by name to someone else is a private grammar with entrance assessments, and her daughter has been there since Year 3. It’s not just a case of the word "grammar" being in the name, it’s a known selective private school. That school had already broken up for the holidays, which also matched what I’d noticed about her daughter’s term dates.

She didn’t just omit something, she created a different narrative entirely. That’s why I say she lied.

Maybe her child is doing fine but not quite grammar school entry level.
I probably say slightly different things to different people depending on whether I want to play down something or big it up.
I am still not understanding the private grammar thing for a 8 year old - are you thinking that the school is very academically selective? More so than your state grammar?

Did she?

because that’s the polar opposite of “She said her daughter isn’t really into study so there is no point getting a tutor. She made it sound like school isn’t really her thing.”

which is what you said she also said 🤷‍♀️

I think you’re reading way too much into it. Her Dd is NOT at a grammar school now as she’s too young, regardless of the name of the school it’s NOT a grammar school. Maybe she’s excelling or maybe she isn’t, that’s nobody’s business to be honest. Or maybe she’s excelling in other ways which aren’t strictly academic. When she says “excelling” maybe she means thriving at that school which doesn’t have to equate to academic success. You’re way too invested in this.

even if all this is true she’s allowed to tell a fib so if her Dd doesn’t pass the 11plus she can say it was no big deal. Or maybe she’s excelling will even say her Dd isn’t taking it.

i knew people who said their kids weren’t going to sit the 11plus when their kids were telling their classmates they were getting tutored. People can be oddly secretive about it. I assume it’s so they can “save face” if their kids doesn’t pass. No idea why, as really nobody else cares and it doesn’t matter.

I wish I had enough time on my hands to get sufficiently worked up to post about non events like this.
Also what on earth is a private grammar for 8 year olds

Surely there’s the possibility that everything she said is true. Her daughter is at a private primary, she’s excelling due to good teaching and natural intelligence but she has no interest in studying and any pushing from parents to encourage her to get involved with extracurricular activities involving academia shows that she has no motivation or interest in it so they won’t be pursuing a tutor or 11+ but will continue to pay privately for her education…

Yes I agree with you, she was being disingenuous. Because she changed the narrative completely. She obviously wanted to compare your children and which level their at, without being obvious. I'd take her with a pinch of salt from now on.

Had something similar from a colleague too. She pleaded poverty for a few years, so others would buy her a hot drink and sometimes breakfast. Mentioned looking into food banks and extra work etc. Ee all felt quite concerned for her. Then we over heard her talking to someone about her new house purchase! Apparently she'd been saving a deposit for a while and now lives in a beautiful house, in an affluent area! If she was honest and said she's okay but budgeting for a house, we'd all completely understand. It's the twisting of the narrative to benefit herself. When we all found out, we were a bit perplexed by her poverty line but let it go. Then she pleaded poverty again as she was doing up the house! We just ignored her and no one bought her food/drinks again!

A private "grammar" school is just a private school.
Not the same thing.

Jeeze. I don't see any lie anywhere. The fact that her daughter's primary school has grammar in the title is a complete red herring. It's meaningless.

She is probably honest in saying that her daughter isn't academic or likely to be responsive to having a tutor. Those things and excelling (in some way, it might not be in grades) can coexist. I had a rather lazy daughter who didn't enjoy studying at all, but who still did very well.

You are making massively more of this than it deserves. Not giving you all the detail that you think she should have, isn't lying. I'm quite a private person, so few people know chapter and verse about my life but I'm not a liar.

It really bugs me when very open people take offence when some of us don't share everything. But calling it lying is entirely unfair, and dishonest in itself.

She hasnt lied though. She said her daughter wasn’t particularly academic and wouldn’t be sitting the eleven plus.
Her daughter is in an independent school, that doesn’t mean the above isn’t true, they’ve just chosen to pay for her education.
She is not at a grammar school currently.

Also how do you know she wasn't lying to the other person, either way who even cares ffs

I don’t think she’s lied to you at all, OP. Nothing she’s told you is contradictory. I think you have simply misinterpreted the things she’s told you, and you also seem pretty confused about what constitutes a grammar school, which isn’t helping. This seems like entirely a you problem.

Why do you care.

Could she not be at a private primary school, but is not planning to take her 11 plus to get into a grammar.