AIBU to wonder my manager lied about her daughter’s school?

[temptemp2]

Not sure if I’m overthinking this or if something odd is going on.

A while ago, my manager and I were chatting about our kids. She was asking about SATs for her 8-year-old DD. I explained what I knew and also mentioned the 11+ since my DS (14) is at a grammar school and went through the process.
She said her daughter isn’t really into study so there is no point getting a tutor. She made it sound like school isn’t really her thing.

Then just the other day, I overheard her telling someone else at work that her daughter is at a private grammar school. That really threw me, especially after our earlier conversation. I did not say anything, but I felt a bit taken aback.

I get that people do not always share everything, and maybe she didn’t want to go into it before, but it felt like a lie especially after she asked me for info and gave the impression her daughter wouldn’t be doing anything like the 11+. Why say all that if her daughter is already at a private grammar?

AIBU to feel confused and like she was being a bit dishonest?

I am confused about what the lie was. Her daughter may be in a selective private primary but she is planning on sending her to state school for secondary school rather than sitting exams to enter selective secondary schools? Or alternatively the private primary may be part of an 'all through' school so that her daughter will be able to enter the secondary without sitting an exam. I am not seeing anything in what she said that suggests that her daughter necessarily will be sitting the 11+.

Yes, she did. She told someone else that her daughter is excelling at her current school, which is completely opposite to what she told me—that her daughter is not really into studying and there is no point getting a tutor. It was not just a passing comment, it was part of a longer conversation where she gave the clear impression that her daughter was not academic and that selective schools were not being considered.

The school she named is a private grammar with entrance assessments, not just a school that happens to have grammar in the name. I know exactly which one it is, and it had already broken up for the holidays, which lines up with her daughter's schedule.

I am not interested in judging whether her daughter is academic or not. What I am saying is that the version of events she gave to me and the version she gave to someone else do not match, and that was not an innocent misunderstanding. That is why it stuck in my mind not because of the school itself, but because of the inconsistency.

If you think it's a non-event, then you're free to scroll on and not comment. No one’s forcing you to engage. I posted because something didn’t sit right with me and I wanted to get other perspectives.

That would be a perfectly reasonable explanation if that is what she had actually said. But that is not how she framed it. She told me her daughter is not academic, does not enjoy studying, and there is no point getting a tutor. She gave the impression that selective schools were not on the table at all.

Then she told someone else her daughter is excelling at a private grammar school that has entrance assessments. That ii a completely different story. She actively gave me a version that does not line up with what I now know to be the case.

So yes, I do think she lied. It was not just a difference in tone or focus, it was a contradiction.

But isn't it possible her daughter is (1) not into studying AND (2) at this selective school AND (3) not being tutored AND (4) excelling (maybe in more ways than academically?)? I am not seeing why these things are mutually exclusive?

Your very rigid in your thinking. People are offering you a different way to view what is being said that would make both conversations true, but you keep repeating the same thing. Excelling doesn’t mean she cannot be both excelling socially, developmentally but also lazy when it comes to studying

I get that not everyone wants to share every detail of their life, and that is completely fine. But this wasn’t just someone being private. She gave me a totally different version of things. She said her daughter isn’t academic, doesn’t enjoy studying and there’s no point getting a tutor. That made it sound like selective schools weren’t even a consideration.

Then I hear her telling someone else that her daughter is excelling at a private grammar school with entrance tests. That’s not just keeping things to herself, that’s giving two completely different stories depending on who she’s talking to.
It’s not about expecting chapter and verse. It’s that she went out of her way to give me a version that wasn’t true. That is lying, whether people want to call it that or not.

She did lie. She did not just say her daughter is not academic and will not be sitting the eleven plus. She gave the clear impression that selective schools were completely off the table and that there was no point trying. But then she told someone else that her daughter is excelling at a private grammar school with entrance assessments.

She is already at a school that selects pupils, and that directly contradicts what she told me. Choosing not to share something is one thing. Telling two different versions depending on who you are speaking to is something else. That is not just being private, that is lying.

She wanted to one-up you. Your dd is at grammar. She’s telling people her daughter is at PRIVATE grammar. Seen it all in the workplace. People who can’t be seen to be shitting out.

What entrance requirements could they have for year 3 children? They won't be that stringent at that age. There is still no lie hat I can see.

Her daughter could be excelling without being into study. I know I always had high achievement but very little effort at school.

Right, so you said that your son is at a grammar school:

I mentioned the 11+ since my DS (14) is at a grammar school and went through the process.

The she said:

Her daughter isn’t really into study so there is no point getting a tutor. She made it sound like school isn’t really her thing.

Then I overheard her telling someone else at work that her daughter is at a private grammar school.

So where's the lie? She said her child is not into study. She did not say (accordingly to what you have written here) what kind of school her daughter attends.

There was no lie in her conversation with you. Unless I am missing something!

Her daughter had already finished school, which matches up exactly with the term dates of the private grammar she mentioned. That is how I know which version lines up with reality.

No one is telling you to care. Leave the thread. It is not compulsory to post on threads.

Only if you insist on your black and white thinking and have no flexibility of thought. Daughter could be exceptionally gifted academically and is excelling at the school but finds academia boring and has no interest in studying outside of the class room so they don’t feel she’s suited to having a tutor and having to study for the 11+ because she’s not interested

She did lie. She told me her daughter is not academic, does not enjoy studying, and that there is no point getting a tutor, giving the clear impression that selective schools were not relevant for them. That was not vague or open to interpretation, it was a pretty definite statement.

Then she told someone else her daughter is excelling at a private grammar school that requires entrance assessments. That is a completely different version of events. It is not a misunderstanding on my part, and I know exactly what kind of school she is referring to.

This is not about being confused or not knowing what a grammar school is. It is about someone presenting two totally different stories depending on who they are talking to. That is lying.

But private school selection standards are vastly different from Grammar schools! I think that’s what you aren’t understanding.

You seem certain that there are entry assessments for year 3 students, what are they?

The lie is not about whether her daughter is sitting the eleven plus or what kind of secondary school she plans to attend. The issue is that she gave me a completely false impression of their current situation.

She told me her daughter is not academic, does not enjoy studying, and that there is no point getting a tutor, implying that selective schools were not even worth thinking about. That made it sound like her daughter was in an ordinary state school and that nothing selective or academic was part of the picture.
But then she told someone else her daughter is excelling at a private grammar school that requires entrance assessments and has already broken up for the holidays. t is a totally different version of events.

She did not just withhold information. She created a story that was clearly untrue when compared with what she told someone else. That is what I am calling a lie.

Maybe it’s none of your business

Oh please. If I want to comment that I think you’re posting about a total non event, for reasons best known to yourself, then I will do exactly that, thank you, and I don’t need a lecture on my agency or otherwise.
Still love to know wtf is a private grammar for 8 year olds.

You keep repeating the same thing over and over again.

She said that her daughter isn’t academic, not interested in studying and there would be no interest in getting a tutor. Not one bit of that would rule out the possibility that she passed the entry requirement to get into her current school in year 3.
Loads of bright people are not academic and have no interest in studying and would not be suited to a grammar school (as in a proper 11+ grammar school).

She may be thinking of what the best educational pathway is for her child which is why she approached you, not realising that it would be so dissected .

Honestly be careful not to repeat this story at work as you’re doing a lot of stretching and assuming to make it seem like you manager lied to you. You’d come across as jealous and having a bit of a vendetta if it got back to your manager

"She told me her daughter is not academic, does not enjoy studying, and that there is no point getting a tutor, implying that selective schools were not even worth thinking about. "

At no point did she say her child would be going to state school. She won't be transferring her to a state grammar school, probably because she is doing well enough at her current school.

Yes, those things can all be true at the same time, and if that is how she had explained it, I would not have thought twice. But that is not the impression she gave.

She did not just say her daughter is not into studying. She said there was no point getting a tutor and made it sound like selective schools were completely irrelevant to them. It came across like her daughter was in a typical state primary with no plans for anything selective.

Then she told someone else her daughter is excelling at a private grammar school with entrance assessments and had already finished for the holidays. That is not just a different emphasis, it directly contradicts what she told me.

It is not about whether both stories could be true in theory. It is that she gave two very different versions of reality depending on who she was talking to. That is why I think she was being dishonest.

I can see how I could have inadvertently ended up in this position. I don’t often talk about the fact my child is at a private school. He is at a primary school that feeds into (if you are lucky) to a private secondary that has grammar in the title.

He will go on to the grammar as he is very sporty and ok academically but probably wouldn’t pass an 11+ exam and I certainly wouldn’t have gone down the tutor route.

If asked or talking about it I’d have been interested in your experience but could easily have said to you he’s not academic so not going down a grammar / tutor route (which is true - I know it’s in the name of the school but it’s not a “grammar”).

Equally if asked I would have been open about term dates, name of school and that he is doing well there.

I’m a little wary of being too open about the private school piece as some people have very strong views on it and also use it to make assumptions / judgements on your finances.

I can understand why you are feeling uncomfortable but it was probably totally unintentional.

Thank you!