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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder my manager lied about her daughter’s school?

392 replies

temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 11:28

Not sure if I’m overthinking this or if something odd is going on.

A while ago, my manager and I were chatting about our kids. She was asking about SATs for her 8-year-old DD. I explained what I knew and also mentioned the 11+ since my DS (14) is at a grammar school and went through the process.
She said her daughter isn’t really into study so there is no point getting a tutor. She made it sound like school isn’t really her thing.

Then just the other day, I overheard her telling someone else at work that her daughter is at a private grammar school. That really threw me, especially after our earlier conversation. I did not say anything, but I felt a bit taken aback.

I get that people do not always share everything, and maybe she didn’t want to go into it before, but it felt like a lie especially after she asked me for info and gave the impression her daughter wouldn’t be doing anything like the 11+. Why say all that if her daughter is already at a private grammar?

AIBU to feel confused and like she was being a bit dishonest?

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 13/07/2025 12:29

My goodness ! the Op must be a nightmare to ' manage ' at work.

Original poster
temptemp2 · 13/07/2025 12:42

LarkspurLane · 13/07/2025 12:04

So she started in Year 4?
Does that mean she did Year 3 SATs in a state school?

Show quote history

She has never done SATs. Always been in private schools where they do not do them.

OP posts:
Original poster
temptemp2 · 13/07/2025 12:42

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 13/07/2025 12:29

My goodness ! the Op must be a nightmare to ' manage ' at work.

Why?

OP posts:
honeylulu · 13/07/2025 12:50

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 13/07/2025 12:29

My goodness ! the Op must be a nightmare to ' manage ' at work.

I think a few of us have concluded that. Though I have a funny feeling she will disagree ...

isolate34 · 13/07/2025 12:52

Oh my god op, I'm sorry but this has to be the most frustrating thread I have ever read through, why on earth did you ask for opinions when you are not open to considering your outlook on this? You have repeatedly said the same thing over and over, you clearly feel your manager lied to you, so why did you ask on here for advice and opinions on this??

SleepyHollowed84 · 13/07/2025 13:00

Have you at all considered that her DD is excelling in ways that are not academic? Academic success is not the only way a child can excel, and it is by no means the only entrance criteria for independent school entry.

Some schools actively ‘select’ based on curiosity, creativity, etc.

Also some ‘selective’ independent schools are selective in premise only but this is not majorly enforced. It’s a really difficult time for the sector, schools can’t really afford to be picky anymore.

I think you’re thinking way too hard into this. Just shift your perspective a little. Your definition of success may not be the same as hers.

Hmm1234 · 13/07/2025 13:15

Because you are nosey and she wanted to throw you off. Good for her

Original poster
temptemp2 · 13/07/2025 13:30

Hmm1234 · 13/07/2025 13:15

Because you are nosey and she wanted to throw you off. Good for her

How was I nosey? I did not ask which school her child goes to. She asked me. She started the conversations about schools not me. She asked for advice on the SATs and 11+ which I gave her.

You must have a low bar for being nosey.

As for throwing me off, it might have been an idea for her not to have a conversation with someone else with the door open outside my office telling them her daughter goes to a private school.

OP posts:
Original poster
temptemp2 · 13/07/2025 13:34

auderesperare · 13/07/2025 11:57

It’s a conundrum, OP. But one which could be explained in so many ways. You misunderstood something she said in the original conversation. She “misspoke” without deliberately lying. You misheard the overheard conversation. She had the impression her daughter was coasting and not academic when she spoke to you. She’s had parents’ night since and is pleasantly surprised to hear from the teacher that her daughter is excelling. She was talking about a different child and you missed the first part of the overheard conversation. All of these are possible. Alternatively, she might have lied for a reason you don’t know about. Maybe she didn’t want to appear braggy or boastful to you. We are all human and our lives are full of inconsistencies. If it were a lie, why does it matter so much. None of us tells the through 100% of the time and everything is open to nuance and interpretation.
If this happened to me, I’d doubt myself, not my colleague. Or rather, I’d give them the benefit of the doubt. I’d assume I’d misunderstood, file the new information away and not give it a second thought.
it sounds like she is a good manager who is encouraging and nurturing of you. Do you like her? Have you put her on a pedestal and now feel betrayed? How do you normally interact with people? Do you give people the benefit of the doubt? Do you forgive people? Are you this hard on yourself or just on others? Do you enjoy catching people out? Do you always have to be right? Are you someone who prides themselves on truthfulness even if it causes offence or hurts people’s feelings? Would you describe yourself as happy and carefree? Can’t you let things go?
its interesting that as PPs have posted hypothetical scenarios, you’ve doubled down on the “lie”explanation. At no point have you said, I might be wrong here. It’s an unusual reaction. I think you should think about this in the context of your wider relationships as it might be illuminating.

I appreciate the thought you have put into this, and I agree, there are definitely different ways the situation could be interpreted. Maybe I did misunderstand something. But it also really did feel like two completely different stories, and that is what struck me.

I do want to say though, a single thread is never representative of an entire person. Just because I posted about this one situation does not mean I go around dissecting people’s lives or trying to catch people out. I do not think I am rigid or unforgiving in general, and I absolutely do give people the benefit of the doubt most of the time.

And of course I have let things go. I am just discussing this one thing. It does not mean it has taken over my life. This just stuck with me because it was such a jarring contrast between what she said to me and what she said to someone else. I do not think that makes me obsessive or unkind, just human. Posting here was a way to talk it through and see if others saw it differently. That is all.

OP posts:
Original poster
temptemp2 · 13/07/2025 13:37

Blablibladirladada · 13/07/2025 06:05

Can I add,

if her daughter isn’t very academic. She might not do very good in it… BUT if she gets on, that would be great as smaller class and a lot of personal development so in comparison to state school. MUCH better. It will cost you two arms and one leg each year though

😂

It is costing two arms and legs especially with the increase in fees!

OP posts:
LarkspurLane · 13/07/2025 14:15

temptemp2 · 13/07/2025 12:42

She has never done SATs. Always been in private schools where they do not do them.

Show quote history

How do you know she was previously at a private school when just a couple of weeks ago you assumed she was at a state school?
Did her previous school also have admission tests?

Original poster
temptemp2 · 13/07/2025 14:24

LarkspurLane · 13/07/2025 14:15

How do you know she was previously at a private school when just a couple of weeks ago you assumed she was at a state school?
Did her previous school also have admission tests?

Show quote history

Through the conversation she was having with someone else outside my office a few days ago.

She didn't name the previous school so I don't know whether they had admission tests.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 13/07/2025 14:44

At 11.28 am on the 11th you asked

' Not sure if I’m overthinking this '

YES

You are overthinking this !!!

It's 14.41 pm on the 13th now

and you are still going on and on and on and on

SO your manager sends her child to private school - so fucking what !!

get over it !

Your child passed the 11+

so surely you are not jealous.

Original poster
temptemp2 · 13/07/2025 14:55

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 13/07/2025 14:44

At 11.28 am on the 11th you asked

' Not sure if I’m overthinking this '

YES

You are overthinking this !!!

It's 14.41 pm on the 13th now

and you are still going on and on and on and on

SO your manager sends her child to private school - so fucking what !!

get over it !

Your child passed the 11+

so surely you are not jealous.

I am not jealous, no. My son is at a school that consistently ranks higher than hers and I am not paying £20,000 per year in fees for the privilege.

Maybe take your own advice and get over it if you are so bothered by me bringing it up.

OP posts:
OneBrightMorning · 13/07/2025 15:00

I wasn't going to respond to this thread again, but I see it's still going. Honestly, I really don't understand what you are trying to achieve here. You have repeated exactly the same details multiple times, then you introduce new and often contradictory information. The child is 8 and has been at the school since year 3. (No! She's 9, in year 5, and started at the school last year.) Your manager asked about SATs and you mentioned the 11+. (No! She came to you asking about SATs and the 11+.) Et cetera. Based on your own criteria, someone might well conclude that you are lying. 😅

I can't decide whether you're playing a bizarre one-handed parlour game or you are genuinely struggling to comprehend what many people have tried many times to explain.

TheignT · 13/07/2025 15:06

temptemp2 · 12/07/2025 19:26

Her DD is year 5 and 9 years old.

Show quote history

I thought this would be over by now but as it isn't you've changed the details once more and a child who was 8 on the 11th and suddenly 9 on the 12th. Was it her birthday yesterday?

You thought she was at an "ordinary school" but now you know she has always been at a private school but at the same time she only started there last year so you now know about not only the school she goes to but where she went before and you know the policies at these schools about SATs. You suddenly seem to know an awful lot after not knowing anything about where her DD was at school.

You think this is all strange, I think we all think there is something strange about this. You think you remember exactly every word she said in a chat some time ago but you can't even keep the facts straight from one post to the next e.g. 10.20 today she only started the school last year and by 10.28 she's always been at private school. So from mistakenly thinking she was at a state primary you suddenly know her entire education history plus that none of the private school she's attended do SATs. Some do by the way, my GC were telling me their SATs results just the other day, they also go to a private school.

Seriously?

auderesperare · 13/07/2025 15:20

temptemp2 · 13/07/2025 13:34

I appreciate the thought you have put into this, and I agree, there are definitely different ways the situation could be interpreted. Maybe I did misunderstand something. But it also really did feel like two completely different stories, and that is what struck me.

I do want to say though, a single thread is never representative of an entire person. Just because I posted about this one situation does not mean I go around dissecting people’s lives or trying to catch people out. I do not think I am rigid or unforgiving in general, and I absolutely do give people the benefit of the doubt most of the time.

And of course I have let things go. I am just discussing this one thing. It does not mean it has taken over my life. This just stuck with me because it was such a jarring contrast between what she said to me and what she said to someone else. I do not think that makes me obsessive or unkind, just human. Posting here was a way to talk it through and see if others saw it differently. That is all.

Show quote history

I’m sure you are a lovely person and I did not mean to cast aspersions. These were questions which seemed to arise from an amalgamation of your responses. These are the questions I’d be asking myself if I felt the way you do. How we feel about a person influences how we react to their behaviour. If you dislike her or have cause to doubt her, the “lie” will reinforce the negative feelings. If you like her, you are likely to dismiss the “lie” or find a different interpretation. If you feel badly let down by her, because of the “lie” it may be because you are over-invested in the relationship or you’ve put her on a pedestal, which is why I asked what your normal relationship with her (and with others) is like. You sound as if you feel discombobulated by this experience. Your thinking about it seems more concrete than perhaps most PPs expect. I hope it doesn’t bother you too much.

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 13/07/2025 15:23

I downplay my kids' or my own achievements to some people, and highlight them to other people that I want to impress. Isn't it normal?

Original poster
temptemp2 · 13/07/2025 15:31

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 13/07/2025 15:23

I downplay my kids' or my own achievements to some people, and highlight them to other people that I want to impress. Isn't it normal?

I think that is normal yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
temptemp2 · 13/07/2025 15:36

auderesperare · 13/07/2025 15:20

I’m sure you are a lovely person and I did not mean to cast aspersions. These were questions which seemed to arise from an amalgamation of your responses. These are the questions I’d be asking myself if I felt the way you do. How we feel about a person influences how we react to their behaviour. If you dislike her or have cause to doubt her, the “lie” will reinforce the negative feelings. If you like her, you are likely to dismiss the “lie” or find a different interpretation. If you feel badly let down by her, because of the “lie” it may be because you are over-invested in the relationship or you’ve put her on a pedestal, which is why I asked what your normal relationship with her (and with others) is like. You sound as if you feel discombobulated by this experience. Your thinking about it seems more concrete than perhaps most PPs expect. I hope it doesn’t bother you too much.

Edited
Show quote history

Thank you, that was such a thoughtful and kind message. I really do appreciate the way you framed it not as an attack, but as a reflection. You are right that how we feel about someone shapes how we interpret their words and actions. I had actually thought quite well of her which is probably why this left me feeling unsettled. It did not match the impression I had and it made me second guess what I thought I knew.

I do not feel angry or obsessive about it, just thrown off. Your post made me pause and look at it from a more reflective place which is honestly what I needed. Thank you again. It was a genuinely helpful and respectful way of putting things and I really respect that.

OP posts:
whatwouldlilacerullodo · 13/07/2025 16:51

temptemp2 · 13/07/2025 15:31

I think that is normal yes.

Show quote history

Don't you think that's what your manager did? Why does it surprise you?

Original poster
temptemp2 · 13/07/2025 17:21

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 13/07/2025 16:51

Don't you think that's what your manager did? Why does it surprise you?

Show quote history

This is not a case of simply downplaying. She said her daughter will not do well in SATs when it comes to sitting them. Her daughter is at a private school that does not even do SATs.

Saying her daughter will struggle in tests she will never take goes beyond downplaying.

OP posts:
LarkspurLane · 13/07/2025 17:33

In one post you say the girl is 8, in the next she's 9 (and in Y5). In one you say she's been at the school since Y3, in the next you say she joined last year (Y4).

It sounds by your standards that you might be lying.

Original poster
temptemp2 · 13/07/2025 17:36

LarkspurLane · 13/07/2025 17:33

In one post you say the girl is 8, in the next she's 9 (and in Y5). In one you say she's been at the school since Y3, in the next you say she joined last year (Y4).

It sounds by your standards that you might be lying.

Clearly I have changed some details in case the manager reads this.

OP posts:
auderesperare · 13/07/2025 17:55

temptemp2 · 13/07/2025 15:36

Thank you, that was such a thoughtful and kind message. I really do appreciate the way you framed it not as an attack, but as a reflection. You are right that how we feel about someone shapes how we interpret their words and actions. I had actually thought quite well of her which is probably why this left me feeling unsettled. It did not match the impression I had and it made me second guess what I thought I knew.

I do not feel angry or obsessive about it, just thrown off. Your post made me pause and look at it from a more reflective place which is honestly what I needed. Thank you again. It was a genuinely helpful and respectful way of putting things and I really respect that.

Show quote history

I’m so pleased that was helpful. I think when people show an unexpected side of themselves it is confusing. The fact that there is a power imbalance in the relationship- she’s your manager and you have to be able to rely on her sense of justice and fairness- makes it more disconcerting for you.
If it’s a one-off I’d chalk it up to human foible. If you are worried about her trustworthiness going forward, then that’s more concerning.
I also wondered if it might be the case that you DS is v talented academically and she’s aware of this and didn’t want to seem a bit of a twit by going on about the achievements of her much younger DD.
If I had a kid who had just passed her grade 5 piano, I would not mention it to a friend whose DS had just won BBC Young Musician of the Year, whereas you might overhear me boasting about it to another colleague.