Page 6 | AIBU to wonder my manager lied about her daughter’s school?

DuskyPink1984 · 11/07/2025 13:34

temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 13:16

She actually did say her daughter was in an ordinary school. That was part of the conversation. She made it sound like there was no point getting a tutor because her daughter was not academic and would not be sitting the eleven plus, and that they were not looking at anything selective.

That is why it stood out so much when she later told someone else her daughter is at a private grammar school (her words). It was not just vague or left open to interpretation, she gave me a completely different impression. That is why she lied.

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Then you have changed your story from your opening post.

If she did actually tell you that her child was at an 'ordinary' (let's assume that means state secondary) and then was overheard telling someone else that her daughter is at private 'grammar' - then OK - she lied to someone.

Not necessarily malicious. Probably better paid and maybe didn't want you to view her as bragging or trying to 'top' you.

Or daughter actually attends state secondary and she was trying to look good to the person you overheard her chatting to.

CarlaLemarchant · 11/07/2025 13:34

Heylittlesongbird · 11/07/2025 13:24

She said her daughter was at an ‘ordinary school’?

Yeah, that’s an interesting addition to support her view point that’s not been mentioned previously.

Original poster

temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 13:35

Chick981 · 11/07/2025 13:26

I gave up reading the thread but I feel sorry for your manager OP, you sound like hard work.

If you gave up reading the thread and already made up your mind, then why bother posting at all?

OP posts:

Original poster

temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 13:37

Tillow4ever · 11/07/2025 13:32

I don’t see how this could be oneupmanship as the manager gave op the impression their child was doing worse than her son.

Are you sure you haven’t got your wires crossed in the effort you made to break your neck to shoehorn in how your son is at a grammar school after passing the 11+ when the manager specifically asked you about SAT’s? I’m failing to understand why you brought that up. It sounds more like YOU were bragging and now feel your nose is out of joint thinking her child is at a better school than your DS. Maybe she knows you’re a bit like that and couldn’t be arsed to make it a competition with you.

Edited

She asked me directly what school my son is in. I did not randomly bring it up or try to shoehorn it into the conversation. We were already talking about SATs and schools, and she asked where he goes. That is when I mentioned he is at a grammar school and passed the eleven plus. How did I brag?

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DuskyPink1984 · 11/07/2025 13:38

... or maybe the daughter is at the state school on a Monday and Tuesday and the 'private grammar' for 8 years old on Wednesdays and Thursdays. What you don't know (but I do) is that she told me her daughter is at Hogwarts on a Friday.

Original poster

temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 13:38

Workingonthehighway · 11/07/2025 13:31

Maybe she was playing a game to see if you would mention (no doubt for the millionth time) that your son goes to a grammar school.

She asked me directly what school my son goes to. I didn’t just blurt it out for the millionth time, as you put it. If she didn’t want to know, she shouldn’t have asked. I answered a question she brought up. It’s honestly a bit ridiculous to twist that into me bragging or playing games when I was just responding to something she specifically asked.

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munchingmunch · 11/07/2025 13:39

Lots of people play down schools. I know so many parents who didn't do any prep for their grammar place & applied last minute. In reality they have been having tuition for years! 😆

Surreyblah · 11/07/2025 13:39

I didn’t tell work colleagues about my DC being in private school, due to past negative comments from acquaintances, friends and colleagues. But also didn’t initiate conversations with colleagues about education.

Unless you’re in London or a few other places, private primary school entrance tests are not hugely selective. So your colleague’s statements to you vs the other colleague about her DC were not necessarily contradictory.

Or perhaps after speaking to you she decided to be more open at work about paying for her DC’s education.

munchingmunch · 11/07/2025 13:42

@temptemp2 I don't think you should take it personally or think it's that deep.

Rosie8880 · 11/07/2025 13:46

temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 11:28

Not sure if I’m overthinking this or if something odd is going on.

A while ago, my manager and I were chatting about our kids. She was asking about SATs for her 8-year-old DD. I explained what I knew and also mentioned the 11+ since my DS (14) is at a grammar school and went through the process.
She said her daughter isn’t really into study so there is no point getting a tutor. She made it sound like school isn’t really her thing.

Then just the other day, I overheard her telling someone else at work that her daughter is at a private grammar school. That really threw me, especially after our earlier conversation. I did not say anything, but I felt a bit taken aback.

I get that people do not always share everything, and maybe she didn’t want to go into it before, but it felt like a lie especially after she asked me for info and gave the impression her daughter wouldn’t be doing anything like the 11+. Why say all that if her daughter is already at a private grammar?

AIBU to feel confused and like she was being a bit dishonest?

I mean - who cares? Why even bother yourself with this.

Cattery · 11/07/2025 13:49

LarkspurLane · 11/07/2025 13:23

Why didn't she say this directly to OP then if this was the aim?
And most people who know about grammars know that the private part is meaningless.

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This is what I observed in the office I worked in. They go away and think about it then come up with something to “top” you. To say private grammar is very telling. There are selective schools but not private grammar schools

Cattery · 11/07/2025 13:50

temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 13:38

She asked me directly what school my son goes to. I didn’t just blurt it out for the millionth time, as you put it. If she didn’t want to know, she shouldn’t have asked. I answered a question she brought up. It’s honestly a bit ridiculous to twist that into me bragging or playing games when I was just responding to something she specifically asked.

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She asked you because she knew your son was probably doing well. They can’t bear that

BeliesBelief · 11/07/2025 13:50

temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 13:01

She did lie. She told me her daughter is not academic, does not enjoy studying, and that there is no point getting a tutor, giving the clear impression that selective schools were not relevant for them. That was not vague or open to interpretation, it was a pretty definite statement.

Then she told someone else her daughter is excelling at a private grammar school that requires entrance assessments. That is a completely different version of events. It is not a misunderstanding on my part, and I know exactly what kind of school she is referring to.

This is not about being confused or not knowing what a grammar school is. It is about someone presenting two totally different stories depending on who they are talking to. That is lying.

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Some selective private schools are far more selective than others.

There are lots of rich kids who aren’t especially bright at private schools. Many of these schools will have entrance tests - that doesn’t mean you have to get a super-high mark to get in. Often they just want to make sure kids can actually read and write…

BeliesBelief · 11/07/2025 13:50

temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 13:01

She did lie. She told me her daughter is not academic, does not enjoy studying, and that there is no point getting a tutor, giving the clear impression that selective schools were not relevant for them. That was not vague or open to interpretation, it was a pretty definite statement.

Then she told someone else her daughter is excelling at a private grammar school that requires entrance assessments. That is a completely different version of events. It is not a misunderstanding on my part, and I know exactly what kind of school she is referring to.

This is not about being confused or not knowing what a grammar school is. It is about someone presenting two totally different stories depending on who they are talking to. That is lying.

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Some selective private schools are far more selective than others.

There are lots of rich kids who aren’t especially bright at private schools. Many of these schools will have entrance tests - that doesn’t mean you have to get a super-high mark to get in. Often they just want to make sure kids can actually read and write…

BeliesBelief · 11/07/2025 13:51

temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 13:16

She actually did say her daughter was in an ordinary school. That was part of the conversation. She made it sound like there was no point getting a tutor because her daughter was not academic and would not be sitting the eleven plus, and that they were not looking at anything selective.

That is why it stood out so much when she later told someone else her daughter is at a private grammar school (her words). It was not just vague or left open to interpretation, she gave me a completely different impression. That is why she lied.

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Convenient thing not to mention until Page 5 of the thread. Of course she did…

munchingmunch · 11/07/2025 13:52

They go away and think about it then come up with something to “top” you. To say private grammar is very telling. There are selective schools but not private grammar schools

The school the PM went to is still called Reigate Grammar and is private. It's very hard to get into.

How is the headteacher trying to top the OP when she didn't tell her about it?!

TryingToBeHelpful267 · 11/07/2025 13:55

Some people lie out of convenience. If it suits how they want to come across in that moment that’s what they will say whether it’s true or not.

From what you describe your manager doesn’t like you and perhaps feels you are smug or braggy and she decided she didn’t want to have something in common with you so lied and said her child was different to yours.

Another possibility is she didn’t like you appearing to have superior knowledge to her about a certain subject and cut the conversation short by lying.

I meet people like this all the time, the majority of my family are like it. I think it’s because they live and die by how others perceive them. So they say whatever suits whichever circumstances they’re in.

Original poster

temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 13:55

Rosie8880 · 11/07/2025 13:46

I mean - who cares? Why even bother yourself with this.

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If you don’t care, that’s fine but why even bother responding then? No one’s forcing you to get involved. If it’s not for you, just move on.

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Original poster

temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 13:58

TryingToBeHelpful267 · 11/07/2025 13:55

Some people lie out of convenience. If it suits how they want to come across in that moment that’s what they will say whether it’s true or not.

From what you describe your manager doesn’t like you and perhaps feels you are smug or braggy and she decided she didn’t want to have something in common with you so lied and said her child was different to yours.

Another possibility is she didn’t like you appearing to have superior knowledge to her about a certain subject and cut the conversation short by lying.

I meet people like this all the time, the majority of my family are like it. I think it’s because they live and die by how others perceive them. So they say whatever suits whichever circumstances they’re in.

I really do not think I came across as smug. I am actually quite private and only talk about things like schools or family life if someone asks me directly. I do not go around volunteering information or trying to compare lives. In this case, she asked me about SATs, then asked directly what school my son goes to and I just answered honestly.

She has indicated that she likes and values me. She nominated me for an award that I received and has given me opportunities to develop in my role. That is partly why I was so thrown by the way she handled this.

I get that some people say whatever suits the moment, and yes, maybe she wanted to avoid having something in common with me or felt awkward. But the bottom line is, she did lie. While I am not going to confront her or dwell on it at work, I am not going to pretend it didn’t happen either.

OP posts:

fairydust11 · 11/07/2025 14:00

temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 13:12

I am repeating because people keep asking the same question.

I get that plenty of bright children are not academic in the traditional sense and that different schools suit different kids. That is not what I am questioning.

The issue is that she told me her daughter was in a regular school and would not be sitting the eleven plus. That was said directly. So when she later told someone else that her daughter is already at a private grammar school with entrance assessments, it was a completely different story.

It is not about dissecting every word. It is that what she said to me and what she said to someone else do not line up at all. And that is why I believe she was not being honest.

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Op, above you say that she directly said -

my child goes to a regular school.

Did she say my child does not go to a private school? If she did then yes that is a lie, but it seems she didn’t.

You assumed a regular school was not private, but it might be for her depending on her own education.

As you then also say -

What I am saying is that the way she spoke to me gave a very clear impression that her daughter was not in any kind of selective environment

If you had an impression, then it seems clear to me she didn’t lie & you made an assumption.

I really think it doesn’t matter. Is there more background/context to your relationship?

You obviously don’t like her as you’re looking for a lie that isn’t there.

pharmer · 11/07/2025 14:00

temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 11:40

The conversation was recently. Her daughter is at a private junior grammar school.

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Private junior grammar school is not a thing

Cattery · 11/07/2025 14:02

munchingmunch · 11/07/2025 13:52

They go away and think about it then come up with something to “top” you. To say private grammar is very telling. There are selective schools but not private grammar schools

The school the PM went to is still called Reigate Grammar and is private. It's very hard to get into.

How is the headteacher trying to top the OP when she didn't tell her about it?!

It’s just a private school that any kid can go to if you’ve got the funds. It’s not private “grammar”. Grammar schools require you to be of above average intelligence. Private schools do not.

Surreyblah · 11/07/2025 14:05

What do you mean you’re ‘not going to pretend it didn’t happen’?

Just leaving it would be fine!

It was conversations at work about personal matters that you’ve interpreted involved her lying about her DC. Most posters disagree with your interpretation and/or think it understandable and not a big deal. You otherwise get on well with her.

doing / saying anything would be making a mountain out of a molehill.

TheignT · 11/07/2025 14:05

temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 12:05

No, that’s not what I meant at all. I don’t think being at a school with "grammar" in the name means a child has to be super academic or have a tutor. What felt off was the way she spoke about her daughter’s ability and interest in school, like she wouldn’t be doing anything selective or academic and then it turned out she’s at a private grammar school, which suggests there was a process or choice involved.

It just didn’t add up with what she’d told me, and that’s what made it feel a bit dishonest or like she was giving me a different version of the story. It’s not about where her daughter goes, but how she chose to present it.

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Maybe she doesn't agree with tutoring kids through the 11+ but didn't want to be rude and say so.

Hoppinggreen · 11/07/2025 14:06

My DCs non selective private school has the word Grammar in the title
Neither did the 11+ to get in