AIBU to wonder my manager lied about her daughter’s school?

[temptemp2]

Not sure if I’m overthinking this or if something odd is going on.

A while ago, my manager and I were chatting about our kids. She was asking about SATs for her 8-year-old DD. I explained what I knew and also mentioned the 11+ since my DS (14) is at a grammar school and went through the process.
She said her daughter isn’t really into study so there is no point getting a tutor. She made it sound like school isn’t really her thing.

Then just the other day, I overheard her telling someone else at work that her daughter is at a private grammar school. That really threw me, especially after our earlier conversation. I did not say anything, but I felt a bit taken aback.

I get that people do not always share everything, and maybe she didn’t want to go into it before, but it felt like a lie especially after she asked me for info and gave the impression her daughter wouldn’t be doing anything like the 11+. Why say all that if her daughter is already at a private grammar?

AIBU to feel confused and like she was being a bit dishonest?

But she was asking you about a proper state grammar for secondary school age kids, ie ones who have passed the 11plus. Which is not what her 8yo Dd is at.

its not unusual for parents of kids at a private prep/junior school to investigate the 11plus and state grammar options to save money at secondary.

just because her Dd is at a private primary paying fees it does not mean she is excelling at school regardless of the fact the school has “grammar” in the name.

Presumably she doesn’t think her 8 year old could get into an actual grammar school so has put her in a private school. Maybe she’s excelling compared to where she was before and improved a lot, enjoying school and has good support.

She also may not wanted to mention her daughters at a private school if she thinks you wouldn’t be able to afford it. She’s a manager so can send her daughter private but doesn’t want to seem out of touch or smug to her reports.

Presumably she doesn’t think her 8 year old could get into an actual grammar school so has put her in a private school. Maybe she’s excelling compared to where she was before and improved a lot, enjoying school and has good support.

She also may not wanted to mention her daughters at a private school if she thinks you wouldn’t be able to afford it. She’s a manager so can send her daughter private but doesn’t want to seem out of touch or smug to her reports.

Presumably she doesn’t think her 8 year old could get into an actual grammar school so has put her in a private school. Maybe she’s excelling compared to where she was before and improved a lot, enjoying school and has good support.

She also may not wanted to mention her daughters at a private school if she thinks you wouldn’t be able to afford it. She’s a manager so can send her daughter private but doesn’t want to seem out of touch or smug to her reports.

When I was at school (many years ago) there was a boy's school nearby, keen rival to our boy's school. Many of these selective schools had a long history, founded by historical benefactors; my own school has a history going back more than 300 years. They were absorbed into the state sector after the Butler Act , just after WW2, generally known as grant maintained grammar schools.
But times were changing, and the decision had to be made; stay on the state system but become comprehensive, close completely, or transfer back to the independent sector. You may remember that Sir Kier Starmer was a pupil at what was a grammar school which became independent while he was there.
My old school became a co-education comprehensive, another local girl's grammar closed entirely, the old rival boy's school opted for the private sector. They have now gone co-ed, and admit pupils from pre-prep onwards, but given the long history, the name "grammar" has somehow stuck, albeit not officially. They are fee-paying, and have their own admissions system.

She said herself her DD is excelling.

So she said it wasn't worth getting a tutor and you think that somehow means her DD shouldn't be at a school with grammar in the name?

I'm confused.

OK this is what you said, "She was asking about SATs for her 8-year-old DD. I explained what I knew and also mentioned the 11+ since my DS (14) is at a grammar school and went through the process.
She said her daughter isn’t really into study so there is no point getting a tutor."

So she was asking about SATs, you talked about 11+ and she didn't want to get a tutor.

She's probably perfectly happy with the school her DD is attending and doesn't want a tutor to get her into a state grammar.

This seems like a non event to me.

I guess the reason it felt off to me is that it felt like she lied to me, not the other person. She’s spoken about the school before in a way that downplayed it completely, like it wasn’t anything special and her daughter wasn’t particularly academic or interested.

But I know term time has already finished at the school her daughter is at. That, plus her comments to me, made it feel like she was deliberately hiding it. Then to hear her suddenly say “private grammar” to someone else just felt like a different version of the story entirely.

Excelling doesn’t always just mean academically. The private school could have a strong focus on sports or the arts or she could just mean she’s taken to the school well. It doesn’t mean she’d pass an 11+ or that she lied to you. Both things can be true.

No, that’s not what I meant at all. I don’t think being at a school with "grammar" in the name means a child has to be super academic or have a tutor. What felt off was the way she spoke about her daughter’s ability and interest in school, like she wouldn’t be doing anything selective or academic and then it turned out she’s at a private grammar school, which suggests there was a process or choice involved.

It just didn’t add up with what she’d told me, and that’s what made it feel a bit dishonest or like she was giving me a different version of the story. It’s not about where her daughter goes, but how she chose to present it.

Not only an oxymoron but impossible because the child is only eight and therefore three years too young for secondary school.

Curious thread 🤔

I get that, and I wouldn’t have thought twice if she’d just said that. But it was the way she said it like her daughter wasn’t academic, didn’t enjoy studying, and tutoring or selective schools weren’t even on the radar. She really played it down.

But then later she told someone else that her daughter is at a private grammar school, which usually has its own entry requirements, and the term had already finished, which matched with that school. It just felt like she’d deliberately given me a totally different impression.

It’s not about where her daughter goes. It is he inconsistency that made me feel like she wasn’t being honest with me.

*So she was asking about SATs, you talked about 11+ and she didn't want to get a tutor.

She's probably perfectly happy with the school her DD is attending and doesn't want a tutor to get her into a state grammar.

This seems like a non event to me.*

Exactly this. I can't see where she's lied to you about anything.

Moral of the story - don’t eavesdrop on your colleague’s conversations.

Not necessarily ,in most parts of the UK state Grammar schools don't actually exist any way
The local private school in town Igrew up is called Town name Grammar school and they have pupils from nursery to sixth form he had that name since the 1800,s.

Also private schools for 8 year olds don’t have stringent entry requirements much beyond the ability to pay the term fees.

I get that it might seem like a non-event from the outside, but she did lie, or at the very least wasn’t honest with me. She asked me about SATs, and I mentioned the 11+, including that my son is at a grammar school. She told me her daughter isn’t academic, doesn’t like studying, and there’s no point getting a tutor.

That gave me the impression that selective schools weren’t being considered at all. Then she tells someone else that her daughter is at a private grammar school. That school has entrance requirements and had already broken up for term, so it wasn’t just a vague comment.

She could have simply said her daughter was already in a school they were happy with. Instead she gave me a completely different version of things. So yes, I do think she lied to me.

Jeez. Move on.

I wasn’t eavesdropping. I was sat in my office and she was having the conversation right outside my door. It’s a shared workspace, not like I pressed my ear to the wall.

This has become very confused and intense.

the basic question I think you need to ask yourself is why you care so much about this. Why do you believe she owes you details and honesty about her personal life. Why this is taking up so much head space.

I forget the ages and names of my boss’s children. Make polite conversation occasionally but to be honest I am not really that interested. If I found out tomorrow he didn’t actually have children and was lying I would laugh and move on. Because it doesn’t impact work

If her DD is at a private school, she probably won’t be doing SATs at the end of Yr2 or Yr6. Whilst some 3 - 18 schools do require the junior pupils to sit their senior school’s 11+ many don’t as you can a much better idea of a child’s performance over a year or several years that on test day. Plus it means they might attract more pupils into Yr5 or 6 as then they don’t have to sit the entrance exam.
It may well be the case that her DD isn’t academic and they have chosen a private school with probably smaller class sizes to help with this as well as probably having a broader curriculum with more arts & sports as she may enjoy or do better in those subjects.
This sounds like a complete non-event. Your manager asked you about your DD’s SATs, she made a comment about your own DD and then went on to talk her through the 11+ process which may well not have been of any interest to her.
You have now overheard a conversation with someone else and seem to be blowing it out of proportion.

I’m allowed to wonder about something that didn’t sit right with me, just like anyone else. I posted to get perspective, not to be told to just move on like I’ve done something wrong by thinking about it.

Yes it is not about needing to know every detail of someone’s personal life. But this wasn’t just passing small talk. She came to me with questions about SATs and showed interest in what I shared about my son and the 11+. It felt like we were having an open and honest chat as two parents, not just colleagues making polite conversation.

So when I later heard her say something completely different about her daughter and realised it didn’t match anything she’d told me, it did stick in my mind. It wasn’t about work, but about trust and how genuine someone is when they engage with you personally.

I’m not losing sleep over it, but it did leave me feeling a bit off, and I think it’s fair to reflect on why. I asked for perspective, not drama. Just trying to make sense of something that felt disingenuous.

Entry criteria for many private schools at that age consist of "can you pay? will you agree to the schools policies?" and nothing more than that.