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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder my manager lied about her daughter’s school?

392 replies

temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 11:28

Not sure if I’m overthinking this or if something odd is going on.

A while ago, my manager and I were chatting about our kids. She was asking about SATs for her 8-year-old DD. I explained what I knew and also mentioned the 11+ since my DS (14) is at a grammar school and went through the process.
She said her daughter isn’t really into study so there is no point getting a tutor. She made it sound like school isn’t really her thing.

Then just the other day, I overheard her telling someone else at work that her daughter is at a private grammar school. That really threw me, especially after our earlier conversation. I did not say anything, but I felt a bit taken aback.

I get that people do not always share everything, and maybe she didn’t want to go into it before, but it felt like a lie especially after she asked me for info and gave the impression her daughter wouldn’t be doing anything like the 11+. Why say all that if her daughter is already at a private grammar?

AIBU to feel confused and like she was being a bit dishonest?

OP posts:
DeedsNotDiddums · 13/07/2025 19:09

What on earth is a PRIVATE grammar!?

Hoppinggreen · 13/07/2025 19:16

DeedsNotDiddums · 13/07/2025 19:09

What on earth is a PRIVATE grammar!?

No such thing

Original poster
temptemp2 · 13/07/2025 19:25

auderesperare · 13/07/2025 17:55

I’m so pleased that was helpful. I think when people show an unexpected side of themselves it is confusing. The fact that there is a power imbalance in the relationship- she’s your manager and you have to be able to rely on her sense of justice and fairness- makes it more disconcerting for you.
If it’s a one-off I’d chalk it up to human foible. If you are worried about her trustworthiness going forward, then that’s more concerning.
I also wondered if it might be the case that you DS is v talented academically and she’s aware of this and didn’t want to seem a bit of a twit by going on about the achievements of her much younger DD.
If I had a kid who had just passed her grade 5 piano, I would not mention it to a friend whose DS had just won BBC Young Musician of the Year, whereas you might overhear me boasting about it to another colleague.

Show quote history

Thanks so much. You are right when someone shows a different side to themselves, especially someone in a role like a manager, it can throw you a bit. I think that's why it stuck with me. It just felt a bit out of sync with the person I thought I knew, and it made me question things.

I really liked how you said that if it's a one off, it's probably just a human moment and we all have those. And yes, maybe she was just being careful not to come across as braggy around me. That’s a fair point and a really helpful way to look at it.

The piano example actually made me smile. It is a good way to explain how we all talk differently depending on who we are with. It doesn’t always mean anything deep or calculated. Thanks again for taking the time. Your message honestly helped me take a step back and see things in a more balanced way.

And honestly, you’ve been so much nicer than a lot of people on this thread.

OP posts:
whatwouldlilacerullodo · 13/07/2025 20:20

temptemp2 · 13/07/2025 17:21

This is not a case of simply downplaying. She said her daughter will not do well in SATs when it comes to sitting them. Her daughter is at a private school that does not even do SATs.

Saying her daughter will struggle in tests she will never take goes beyond downplaying.

Show quote history

Well, I couldn't get that level of detail from the first post. I thought the conversation had been more vague. In this case, yes, weird.

DiaryofaProvincialLady · 13/07/2025 23:12

temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 13:01

She did lie. She told me her daughter is not academic, does not enjoy studying, and that there is no point getting a tutor, giving the clear impression that selective schools were not relevant for them. That was not vague or open to interpretation, it was a pretty definite statement.

Then she told someone else her daughter is excelling at a private grammar school that requires entrance assessments. That is a completely different version of events. It is not a misunderstanding on my part, and I know exactly what kind of school she is referring to.

This is not about being confused or not knowing what a grammar school is. It is about someone presenting two totally different stories depending on who they are talking to. That is lying.

Show quote history

"It was a pretty definite statement" - it was absolutely not.

It was the polar opposite of that!

It was a series of various statements about the child, none of which indicated or confirmed whether she was, or was not, in a state/private/grammar school.

Have you been tested for ASD?

DiaryofaProvincialLady · 13/07/2025 23:18

Workingonthehighway · 11/07/2025 13:31

Maybe she was playing a game to see if you would mention (no doubt for the millionth time) that your son goes to a grammar school.

😂
This. I'm more baffled as to why OP had to shoehorn her son/grammar/11+ into an entirely unrelated conversation that was nothing to do with OP's son.

Op is the one guilty of one-upping, with her Elevenerife boast!😂

Annony331 · 14/07/2025 00:43

Grammars sometimes incorporate Reception class and primary or various primary classes. Some admissions are by ability or with various bursaries and some are just for anyone who pays.

You could pay for a primary place at a grammar that takes anyone.

Genevieva · 14/07/2025 00:49

temptemp2 · 11/07/2025 11:40

The conversation was recently. Her daughter is at a private junior grammar school.

Show quote history

There’s no such thing as a junior grammar school. Grammars are 11+. Private Prep school? Private junior school? These tend to have children up to Y8 and Y6 respectively. They can be selective, if in a densely populated area.

Original poster
temptemp2 · 14/07/2025 08:10

DiaryofaProvincialLady · 13/07/2025 23:18

😂
This. I'm more baffled as to why OP had to shoehorn her son/grammar/11+ into an entirely unrelated conversation that was nothing to do with OP's son.

Op is the one guilty of one-upping, with her Elevenerife boast!😂

Show quote history

How is it shoehorning it in? I never mentioned it until she asked me directly what school my son goes to. She didn't know because I had never mentioned it. She then knew my son had done the 11+ and asked me about the 11+ and SATs.

You must have an incredible low bar for shoehorning 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
temptemp2 · 14/07/2025 08:11

Genevieva · 14/07/2025 00:49

There’s no such thing as a junior grammar school. Grammars are 11+. Private Prep school? Private junior school? These tend to have children up to Y8 and Y6 respectively. They can be selective, if in a densely populated area.

Show quote history

Thank you. These are the words the manager used. It has been explained by various posters lots of times now.

OP posts:
Original poster
temptemp2 · 14/07/2025 08:12

DiaryofaProvincialLady · 13/07/2025 23:12

"It was a pretty definite statement" - it was absolutely not.

It was the polar opposite of that!

It was a series of various statements about the child, none of which indicated or confirmed whether she was, or was not, in a state/private/grammar school.

Have you been tested for ASD?

Show quote history

No. Have you been tested for ASD? Try shoehorning it in next time you go to the doctor 😂

OP posts:
Annony331 · 14/07/2025 09:19

https://www.lgs-junior.org.uk/

First junior grammar I googled.

WTon grammar school starts from Reception class. Grammars have evolved and are not just ability schools in many situations.

Home

Leicester Grammar Junior School is an independent co-educational school for ages 3-11, situated in the beautiful countryside of Great Glen

https://www.lgs-junior.org.uk

TheignT · 14/07/2025 11:04

temptemp2 · 14/07/2025 08:10

How is it shoehorning it in? I never mentioned it until she asked me directly what school my son goes to. She didn't know because I had never mentioned it. She then knew my son had done the 11+ and asked me about the 11+ and SATs.

You must have an incredible low bar for shoehorning 😂

Show quote history

Not what you told us originally. Maybe get your story straight?

She was asking about SATs for her 8-year-old DD. I explained what I knew and also mentioned the 11+ since my DS (14) is at a grammar school and went through the process. This is what you actually said.

SwingTheMonkey · 14/07/2025 16:23

TheignT · 14/07/2025 11:04

Not what you told us originally. Maybe get your story straight?

She was asking about SATs for her 8-year-old DD. I explained what I knew and also mentioned the 11+ since my DS (14) is at a grammar school and went through the process. This is what you actually said.

Show quote history

I think op forgets that unlike the conversation she had with her colleague, her words are all there to see in black and white. Including all the details that have gradually changed over the course of the thread 😂

dh280125 · 14/07/2025 16:56

I went to a private grammar with a prep school. It was only selective for 11+ and had its own exam for entrance, for which I certainly required tutoring despite being pretty good at school. Maybe she was interested in SATs etc. because she knows her kid isn't going to study for the entrance exam.

dh280125 · 14/07/2025 16:58

DeedsNotDiddums · 13/07/2025 19:09

What on earth is a PRIVATE grammar!?

The school I want to was, and still is, a private grammar.

TheignT · 14/07/2025 20:23

SwingTheMonkey · 14/07/2025 16:23

I think op forgets that unlike the conversation she had with her colleague, her words are all there to see in black and white. Including all the details that have gradually changed over the course of the thread 😂

Show quote history

Very true.

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