AIBU to wonder my manager lied about her daughter’s school?

[temptemp2]

Not sure if I’m overthinking this or if something odd is going on.

A while ago, my manager and I were chatting about our kids. She was asking about SATs for her 8-year-old DD. I explained what I knew and also mentioned the 11+ since my DS (14) is at a grammar school and went through the process.
She said her daughter isn’t really into study so there is no point getting a tutor. She made it sound like school isn’t really her thing.

Then just the other day, I overheard her telling someone else at work that her daughter is at a private grammar school. That really threw me, especially after our earlier conversation. I did not say anything, but I felt a bit taken aback.

I get that people do not always share everything, and maybe she didn’t want to go into it before, but it felt like a lie especially after she asked me for info and gave the impression her daughter wouldn’t be doing anything like the 11+. Why say all that if her daughter is already at a private grammar?

AIBU to feel confused and like she was being a bit dishonest?

The way she said it gave a very clear impression that her daughter was in a regular state school

Giving an overall impression, whether or not that us deliberate, is not "lying". Perhaps she was deliberately vague because you are known for being a pernickety person obsessed with catching people out.

My take on it (just a guess) is that her daughter isn't very studious and never has been, which is why she invested in a private school. (My parents did the same BTW, their nickname for me was Dolly Daydream and they thought in a class of 30 I would just have stared out of the window so they chose a tiny private school where I wouldn't be able to get away with that.) She was probably musing over her decision and wondering if it was worth the money by asking you about SATs and 11+ to consider if her daughter might have been OK in state school after all. She didn't mention private school because some people are judgy about it and tbf you do seem to be completely up your own arse about the issue.

Her daughter probably is excelling at private school because it's given her the push she needed which she may not have got in state school. "Ordinary school" is an odd turn of phrase but I think it was markedly a choice of words that allowed her to avoid using the words "state" or "private".

That does not sound like lying to me. That sounds like adjusting what you share based on who you are talking to, which most people do. Sharing different aspects of the truth depending on the context is not the same as creating two completely different stories.

In my case, she did not just highlight different parts of the same reality. She told me her daughter is not academic and would not do well in SATs when she has to sit them. Then she told someone else her daughter is at a private school that does not even do SATs.

That is not just choosing what to focus on. That is saying something that directly contradicts reality. That is why I call it lying.

I have no issue with people being private or choosing what details they share based on context. What I take issue with is when someone actively says things that are not true.

You are welcome to guess at her reasons or intentions, but the idea that I somehow caused this by asking questions or being judgy does not hold up. She came to me asking about SATs and the 11+. I answered her questions honestly, and she responded with what now appears to have been a false version of her situation.

This is not about being up myself or obsessed with catching people out. It is about basic honesty in a one-on-one conversation where she asked for advice and gave me a story that was not true. That is what I have a problem with.

OK so what are you going to do about the "problem"? Confront her? Or just continue to fume about it on this thread?

Maybe every time you see her in the office you should point your finger and shout "Liar Liar Pants On Fire!" I think that would seem to be the only thing that would make you feel better. 😂😂😂

OMG are you still going on about this. Let it go for your own sanity.

She might not have known they didn’t sit sats yes she might be involved in school, it may be on the website but she could still have though they did it though or it slipped her mind.

You are determined she’s lied so have you got history of her lying or do you two not like each other?

Oh stop. You’re just making stuff up now to suit your bizarre story. You’ve absolutely no idea what this person knows about assessments her child might or might not be taking in years to come. My kids are at a private school and when my eldest was in year 3/4, I’d have had no idea what tests they’d be taking in year 6.

Honestly, you sound like you could benefit from speaking to someone. I cannot imagine anyone with a healthy mental state obsessing over something like this, it’s really odd.

I am not making anything up. Her daughter is already in a private school that does not do SATs. The school had already broken up, so this was not about future plans or uncertainty, it was a completely different reality from what she described to me.

You are free to disagree with how I see it, but throwing around personal attacks and questioning someone’s mental health because they noticed dishonesty says more about you than it does about me. If you have nothing useful to add, you can just scroll on.

I am not fuming and I am not going to confront her. I am simply pointing out that she lied, and I no longer trust what she says. I brought it here to get it off my chest which is exactly what MN is for.

If you are only here to be sarcastic and childish, maybe ask yourself why you are so bothered by someone discussing something that clearly struck a nerve. No one asked for your performative emojis. Move on if you have nothing useful to add.

This

The thing is. The vast majority of us think you have misinterpreted the situation, which is, after all, a non event. People have explained over and over again why you might be wrong. But you just won’t listen. Then the slow drip feed to get others on side.
Anyway, I don’t think you are really getting anything out of this thread as you won’t listen to other opinions.

You're being childish about this whole situation. People are allowed to respond as they wish, you can't police people's responses. You've said move on, don't comment, scroll on to so many people now all because they are not supporting your opinion, or making light of it. There is literally no point in posting on MN if you expect everyone to agree with you. It's a discussion forum, not an exercise in sycophancy.

A very high percentage of people are saying you are being YABU and given you multiple reasons why. Maybe take that onboard. AIBU in not just somewhere to just get "something off your chest". You asked a question and now you've been given a very clear answer. Maybe accept that you are being unreasonable, or don't bother asking people for their opinions in the future. It's guaranteed that they aren't always going to align with yours, so I really don't know what you were expecting.

You keep telling me to let it go, yet you are still responding yourself. People are absolutely allowed to reply as they wish and I have never said otherwise. But telling me to move on while continuing to pile on with sarcasm and digs is just hypocritical.

I never said I expected everyone to agree with me. I came here to get different perspectives, and I have read them. What I pushed back on was the tone some people used - mocking, patronising, or making personal comments. That is not about disagreement, it is about basic respect.

I have every right to post, just like you. If you are tired of the thread, no one is forcing you to stay on it. Maybe take your own advice and let it go.

I've not been sarcastic at all, I meant every word. Nor have I made digs. You asked if you are being unreasonable, time and time again you've been told that you are. You won't heed what anyone is saying, so obviously reading the comments is not the same as considering them.

I don't know how often you need to hear it, but as many times as you say the same thing, you are going to get the same response, from me or others. Yes you are being unreasonable.

Absolutely not a personal attack. I honestly think you could benefit from getting some help with things because this thought process isn’t healthy. You’ve got 4 pages of comments disagreeing with the vast majority of people who think this is a non issue and you’re still not willing to let it go. It’s incredibly odd behaviour.

This. Our daughter teaches at a private “grammar” school. It takes children from 3-18.

This is crazy. Maybe the school does sats maybe it doesn't. some private schools do and some don't. Maybe she thought the school does and it doesn't. A low ability child can be described as excelling if they are surpassing expectations for them. Maybe she is excelling in another area other than epidemic.
I don't see any of this makeher a liar.
Most likely i think you were banging on about tm your daughter's ability, and she didn't want to piss on your chips

DS2 has attended two different private schools. The first did SATS but the second didn’t. I’d assumed all schools did SATS. He was already at the second school before I discovered that they didn’t do them.

Maybe she genuinely didn’t know.

@temptemp2 surely she’s referring to the likely far more intensive entry process (11+) etc in 2/3 years’ time and the fact the current school has grammar in the title is just a red herring. Maybe you are conflating stuff?

I never brought up what school my SON goes to until she asked me directly. So no, I was not banging on about anything. We were having a conversation about SATs and school options which she started and I answered her questions honestly when she asked.

The private school her daughter goes to does not do SATs.

We discussed SATs first because she said she did not know how they worked and asked me to explain them. She then asked what school my DS goes to. That led to us talking about the 11+ because I mentioned my son had done it. She then said her daughter would not do well in SATs. She already knew about the 11+ and said her daughter was not good enough to sit the exam.

It sounds like she knows her daughter’s capabilities well. Perhaps she’s not good at exams.

She was good enough to pass the entrance assessments for private school.

God OP you’re not still wittering on about this nonsense.You need help

You’re telling me I need help, yet you’re still following and commenting on a thread you claim to think is nonsense. If anyone here needs help, it’s the person who keeps coming back just to be rude to strangers on the internet. Move on and find something better to do.