AIBU to wonder my manager lied about her daughter’s school?

[temptemp2]

Not sure if I’m overthinking this or if something odd is going on.

A while ago, my manager and I were chatting about our kids. She was asking about SATs for her 8-year-old DD. I explained what I knew and also mentioned the 11+ since my DS (14) is at a grammar school and went through the process.
She said her daughter isn’t really into study so there is no point getting a tutor. She made it sound like school isn’t really her thing.

Then just the other day, I overheard her telling someone else at work that her daughter is at a private grammar school. That really threw me, especially after our earlier conversation. I did not say anything, but I felt a bit taken aback.

I get that people do not always share everything, and maybe she didn’t want to go into it before, but it felt like a lie especially after she asked me for info and gave the impression her daughter wouldn’t be doing anything like the 11+. Why say all that if her daughter is already at a private grammar?

AIBU to feel confused and like she was being a bit dishonest?

Sigh. This woman doesn’t have a child in state school though. So she’d have no idea SATs are discussed at length. She may have been under the impression the school would discuss it with parents when their child reached year 6.

I totally get being curious about SATs if your child is in private school and you have never been through the system. That would make perfect sense if it were just a general question. But that is not what happened.

She was not asking about SATs in general. She was asking specifically in terms of her daughter doing them. She said her daughter would not do well in them, and that this is also why there is no point doing the 11 plus. That was her reasoning. That her daughter does not like studying, just wants to play games, and would not cope with that kind of pressure.

But her daughter is in Year 5 at a private school that does not even do SATs. So it was not just vague curiosity. She framed it as if her daughter was going to sit them and would struggle, when in reality they are not even relevant to her.

That is why it felt dishonest. It was not just a private school parent being curious about something outside their experience. It was someone presenting a false situation as if it applied to them directly.

sigh. She is not just a parent who drops off and picks up. She is heavily involved with the school and part of parent groups. She talks about events, meetings and what goes on at the school regularly. This is not someone disconnected or unaware.

So no, I do not believe she was under the impression that SATs would be explained later. She specifically said her daughter would not do well in them, and that this is why she would not be doing the 11 plus. But her daughter is at a private school that does not even do SATs.

If her dd is 8, she’s in y3 unless she’s very young in the year in which case she’d be y4. So that makes the theoretical she wouldn’t do well rather than she won’t do well make more sense. In any case it’s not like kids in state can opt out so I think it makes sense she was just imagining.

Is her daughter 8 or is she in year 5? You seem to be muddling up what you’ve told people, op 🤔

Her DD is year 5 and 9 years old.

Our ‘local’ grammar school went private after ‘direct grant’. It retained the name ‘grammar’ for at least 2 decades after it was necessary to pass the 11+ to get in; yes, an entrance test to screen out SEND… but £ is what mattered.

Even they've now dispensed with the ‘grammar’ subterfuge.

She’s had a birthday since you wrote your op then?

Op you are utterly convinced there is some kind of sinister motive for this woman asking you about SATs. I don’t think anyone but you can fathom why that might be. It was utterly pointless posting because you have decided your colleague is a liar and won’t be dissuaded by the enormous number of posters telling you you’re being unreasonable.

You are changing what you say a lot and adding bits, including the little girls age. Yes, it’s possible to remember things but also people are extremely unreliable witnesses as our brains do tend to fill in the blanks to fit the story we’re telling- i.e. you’re convinced your narrative is right, people are disagreeing, so you’re brain is convincing you you remember new details that support your story - if you don’t believe me try looking up research on testimonies.
You stated at length yourself that it would be highly unusual (though your take made it sound like impossible) for a parent in a state school to be unaware of SATS…so when she asked you about them as someone who had no idea- surely that should be a clue that her child is not at a state school?
it is also possible that with the new VAT her family needs to reconsider if they can keep paying the fees - hence practical interest in SATs. Or she just wanted to be nice and make conversation about how well your son is doing.
Finally, her daughter could be gifted - not academic, not someone who can work with tutors, just gifted. The private school environment and individual attention could allow her to excel without doing homework and while constantly playing. Then, for a parent facing shift from private to state, it could be difficult knowing that their child will not excel in a competitive environment with next to no support but that is the only way, at least in her head, to obtain comparable education.
You’ll say, but she didn’t say any of that, and I well could be wrong, it’s only one possibility, but she doesn’t owe you saying any of that. She asked you some simple questions about exams, she’s your manager not a friend and you inferred an awful lot and are now annoyed at her.

Oh my god this thread was painful.

Indeed! I’ve never known an op be so steadfast in their opinion in the face of overwhelming disagreement.

Why are you even bothered?
"Not my clowns, not my circus!"

@temptemp2 If you’re absolutely certain that she lied, then I think a lot of the issues have come from your posts not giving enough information to support this. The only thing that possibly suggests that she misled you is the comment that her child goes to an ‘ordinary school’, which you only shared much later. On that basis, I understand why other posters are confused. Also, she could genuinely believe that some private schools are ‘ordinary’. I don’t myself, but perspectives do differ - e.g. it’s the local private school not Eton or Cheltenham Ladies’. And/or she was playing it down a bit and wanted to talk to you about SATs without getting into details about paying for private education, which lots of people disagree with.

Like other posters, however, I would likely read some of the things she said differently to you.

‘I mentioned the 11+ because it came up naturally, and she responded in a way that strongly implied selective schools weren’t even a consideration. Then later she told someone else that her daughter is already at a private grammar school.’

And…

‘She told me directly that her daughter isn’t academic, doesn’t enjoy studying, and there was no point getting a tutor. That gave a very clear impression that selective schools weren’t part of the picture at all.’

I want to emphasise that some ‘selective’ private schools are, relatively speaking, not all that selective and the entrance tests are manageable for many, many children (more than would pass the 11+). For those schools, they are happy to take children with a reasonable level of knowledge/skill/literacy but some of those children would still score below average in SATs standardised scoring. What they can’t often manage and/or don’t want is the academically weakest children or those with complex needs. So, it’s quite possibly a false equivalence between the selective school her daughter is already in and being able to pass the 11+.

Private, so with fees…
grammar school as for what age they take in normally

and they just started to take a few years back. Generally from Year 3. Age 8

a few do that. Maybe many?

Can I add,

if her daughter isn’t very academic. She might not do very good in it… BUT if she gets on, that would be great as smaller class and a lot of personal development so in comparison to state school. MUCH better. It will cost you two arms and one leg each year though

I don't understand the issue. Her dd is at a private primary and isn't old enough to have sat the 11+ yet. Your boss said dd isn't going to be tutored for the 11+. No lies so far? Presumably her dd will continue in private school for secondary or just take the 11+ with no tutoring.

Two children? Incidentally, there’s no such thing as a private grammar. Some private schools are called Something Grammar School-but they aren’t grammars.

Yes that is all true. The dd will continue in the private for secondary school.

She spoke about her daughter sitting SATs in Year 6 and would struggle which is strange considering her daughter is at a private school that does not even do SATs.

Maybe they are moving her to state at some point. Or even just considering it so she was musing out loud at how her DD would cope with SATs.

Or do you know for a fact they are definitely not moving her?!

She only started there last year and she has mentioned her child is happy at the school.

She told someone else her child is excelling at the school.

Some have entrance exams so they are the same in reality.

You are massively over invested in this verging on intrusive. So her child did SATS and then moved to the private sector so what? Some private schools gear to gifted spiky children.

Her child has not done the SATs and will not need to in a private school. She has always been in private school.

It’s a conundrum, OP. But one which could be explained in so many ways. You misunderstood something she said in the original conversation. She “misspoke” without deliberately lying. You misheard the overheard conversation. She had the impression her daughter was coasting and not academic when she spoke to you. She’s had parents’ night since and is pleasantly surprised to hear from the teacher that her daughter is excelling. She was talking about a different child and you missed the first part of the overheard conversation. All of these are possible. Alternatively, she might have lied for a reason you don’t know about. Maybe she didn’t want to appear braggy or boastful to you. We are all human and our lives are full of inconsistencies. If it were a lie, why does it matter so much. None of us tells the through 100% of the time and everything is open to nuance and interpretation.
If this happened to me, I’d doubt myself, not my colleague. Or rather, I’d give them the benefit of the doubt. I’d assume I’d misunderstood, file the new information away and not give it a second thought.
it sounds like she is a good manager who is encouraging and nurturing of you. Do you like her? Have you put her on a pedestal and now feel betrayed? How do you normally interact with people? Do you give people the benefit of the doubt? Do you forgive people? Are you this hard on yourself or just on others? Do you enjoy catching people out? Do you always have to be right? Are you someone who prides themselves on truthfulness even if it causes offence or hurts people’s feelings? Would you describe yourself as happy and carefree? Can’t you let things go?
its interesting that as PPs have posted hypothetical scenarios, you’ve doubled down on the “lie”explanation. At no point have you said, I might be wrong here. It’s an unusual reaction. I think you should think about this in the context of your wider relationships as it might be illuminating.

So she started in Year 4?
Does that mean she did Year 3 SATs in a state school?