AIBU to wonder my manager lied about her daughter’s school?

[temptemp2]

Not sure if I’m overthinking this or if something odd is going on.

A while ago, my manager and I were chatting about our kids. She was asking about SATs for her 8-year-old DD. I explained what I knew and also mentioned the 11+ since my DS (14) is at a grammar school and went through the process.
She said her daughter isn’t really into study so there is no point getting a tutor. She made it sound like school isn’t really her thing.

Then just the other day, I overheard her telling someone else at work that her daughter is at a private grammar school. That really threw me, especially after our earlier conversation. I did not say anything, but I felt a bit taken aback.

I get that people do not always share everything, and maybe she didn’t want to go into it before, but it felt like a lie especially after she asked me for info and gave the impression her daughter wouldn’t be doing anything like the 11+. Why say all that if her daughter is already at a private grammar?

AIBU to feel confused and like she was being a bit dishonest?

All of those are possibilities even if they do seem unlikely.

Yes I know, hence me exactly that upthread

Three pages of OP's own posts = overly invested.

Exactly. How is downplaying one’s child’s achievements and the school they attend, an attempt of ‘one upmanship’?

How on earth is it unlikely that she doesn’t know her daughter won’t have to sit SATs? She clearly doesn’t have any prior experience having only one child so it’s entirely possible she has heard talk of SATs and thinks her daughter will be doing them when she’s in year 6.

In addition, it’s also entirely possible she played down her daughter’s school and academic achievements because she doesn’t want to come across as bragging to you. I intentionally withhold information on my kids’ school to some people I talk to.

Honestly, I imagine she’d bitterly regret the insignificant office chit chat she engaged in with you if she knew you were obsessing about it like this.

so it is possible

and again you refer back to a previous comment

you can’t seem to grasp life is fluid and changes.

its beginning to look as if you might only want things in black and white, with grey areas becoming instant lies

How has she lied??? Her dd is at a private school which has the word 'grammar' in its name. There is no such thing as a junior grammar s hool, nor a private grammar school.

There’s no such thing as private grammars. There are private schools which are selective and need to pass entrance tests, but grammars are state schools for which you must pass the 11+.

If it was years ago maybe she’s paid for her DD to go private since or she wasn’t being truthful.

That is the words she used.

Yes life is fluid and changes but this is in a matter of weeks not years.

It is very unlikely that she did not know her daughter would not be sitting SATs. Her daughter is at a private school that does not do them and those schools are very clear with parents about what assessments are or are not part of the curriculum.

On top of that, she is heavily involved in the school, regularly goes to events, and talks about her daughter’s schooling in detail. This is not someone who is disconnected or unaware of what is going on.

So when she said she was worried her daughter might not do well in SATs because she does not enjoy studying and just wants to play games, it came across as completely false because SATs do not even apply to her daughter.

That is not just a case of being vague or avoiding bragging. That is actively presenting a version of things that is not true.

I am not obsessing. I brought it here because the conversation stuck in my mind and I wanted to get outside perspectives. That is the whole point of posting on a mumsnet.

It was just a few weeks between the conversations. She said her daughter is happy and well settled at the school.

Maybe she meant if her daughter had to do SATS she wouldn’t do well in them. Or did she say when my daughter does SATS she will probably not do well?
she may have been looking for reassurance that she’s done the right thing for her daughter paying for private school. And excelling might mean feels happy, my daughter is 8 and excelling doesn’t really mean anything at that age, the more important thing is they’re happy and fulfilled at school.

I don’t understand. Do you mean to say that she was copying you? If so, that’s some creepy Walter Mitty type behaviour!

She said she did not know about SATs and asked me to explain them to her. After I explained how they work, she said, when her daughter does the SATs, she will not do well in them. She also said that is why there is no point doing the 11+ for a grammar school. She said her daughter does not want to study and just wants to play games.

So it was not a hypothetical comment. She spoke as if her daughter would be doing SATs, even though she is in a private school that does not do them.

She went from painting a picture to me of a child who is not interested in school work, with no plans to apply to a grammar school to then telling someone else that her daughter is excelling at a private school. That school also matches up with her daughter’s term having already ended, so it all lines up.

No, I am not saying she was copying me. I am saying she gave me one version of her daughter’s situation that turned out not to be true. She asked about SATs, said her daughter would not do well in them, that she was not academic, and there was no point trying for a grammar school.

Then she told someone else her daughter is at a private grammar school and excelling. That is not copying but it is two completely different stories.

Its not black and white

sometimes thing change in a very short space of time

I agree, life is rarely black and white and things can change quickly. But this was not a case of things suddenly changing. She spoke as if her daughter was going to sit SATs in the future, would not do well, and that there was no point trying for the 11+. She also described the school as ordinary.

Then a few weeks later she told someone else her daughter is already at a private school and excelling, and the school’s term had already ended, so it clearly was not a recent change.

Maybe she is considering moving her in the next year or so to a state and therefore she will be doing SATs?

You say she talks about her daughter a lot and you know she attends school events and is very involved but then you seem confused by the two conversations. To know her involvement means you probably know which scenario is more accurate (yours or your other colleagues convo with her). I do think you've gotten the wrong end and that she was asking about SATs as she was interested, SATs are shit for Y6 so maybe she meant IF her daughter was doing them she would struggle. Whether hypothetical doing them or actually doing them if there's a move on the cards.

You still haven't said why you're bothered even if she lied? It's not to do with work or anything relevant to your relationship so what's the harm? I went out for a mums night out the other week and according to most mum's their kids don't have screen time unless it's for educational purposes, maybe 1 or 2 might not but I don't believe out of 10 kids none of them get any screen time. I did internally roll my eyes and mentioned it to DH the next day but I don't really care if they want to pretend. People talk shit sometimes, I certainly do.

You're just not getting it and clearly can't see this from a social point of view.

You interpreted the words and conversation as such - its an opinion - she sees the School as ordinary - you don't, you've decided its not a recent change.

I shall leave it there as Im beginning to feel belligerent & thats not the case for me

If she had said her daughter might move to a state school later and then do SATs, I would not have thought anything of it. But that is not what she said. She spoke as if her daughter would definitely be doing SATs, said she would not do well, and that there was no point in doing the 11 plus because she is not academic and just wants to play games. That is a very specific picture.

Then she told someone else that her daughter is already at a private school and is excelling. That school had already broken up which fits with her definitely being at private school and no need to do SATs. I am not confused about which version is more accurate, it is clear the second one reflects the reality. What I am pointing out is that what she told me was clearly not true.

As for why I am bothered, I think most people would feel a bit off if someone asked for their advice, shared what seemed like a genuine concern and then you find out the whole situation was a lie. I am not going around telling everyone about it or making a big deal at work. I came here to get it off my chest because it stuck in my head.

I know people talk rubbish sometimes and I do not expect full honesty from everyone all the time. But when someone comes to you directly for advice and gives you a version of events that turns out to be false, it naturally makes you question their sincerity. That's all.

Well we can pick on the OP all we like and argue about SATS, the 11+ and the merits of grammar school, private school etc until the cows come home. The point is; OP is now viewing this woman as someone who may not be very trustworthy. Many aren’t. Lots of people you encounter don’t like being seen as being at a disadvantage and will embellish the truth or tell blatant lies. Sometimes you can’t believe what you’re hearing as is the case here.

Are you 100% sure her daughter's school does not do SATS ? even if they don't need to - maybe they choose to do them or something similar
or
maybe they are thinking of introducing them or something similar.

have you read the school's website thoroughly ?

Yes their website says they do not do SATs. I have friends who also sent their children to the same school. They are a private school and have never done SATs. There is currently no discussion of introducing them at the school.

Based on this thread, I lie all the time. To my friend whose son has mental health issues, I talk a bit about my son's struggles.
To my friends with high achieving kids, I talk more about good things they are doing.

I think both of these facts are true, but I assume you would think that I was lying to one of them.