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Original poster

Friend getting married abroad- other friend having tantrum

194 replies

ThatKeenJadeLeader · 11/07/2025 09:01

Good Morning,

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how I can sort this situation out.

Friendship group of 5 of us. We are 36/37.

Me and two other women (married and kids), (one male) single no kids and other friend (currently in the process of marrying the most lovely man).

My friendship group has been together since uni. Me and two other women all got married from 27-30. Male friend never married/ never in a relationship. Other friend has been single despite being absolutely lovely and has finally found a bloke who treats her well- they got engaged last year and are planning the wedding.

Friend has family in Italy (was born here but has very elderly grandparents out there).

Anyway....male friend developed a problem with drinking and other things a few years ago and gave himself paranoia and anxiety through it. Friend has decided she wants to get married in her grandparents village in Italy so family who can't make the flight anymore can see her get married. She said she will also arrange a party for when she gets back for people here that won't be invited/ can't go.

Male friend has had a complete tantrum and left the group chat because his anxiety won't allow him to fly. Has messaged me and one of the other girls saying he can't believe she's being so selfish and she knows his issues and she should do it here at a location that would suit him.

This is not the first time he has acted like this. He is a horror at every life event we do. Got drunk at other friends daughters christening and started a rant about how it's a shame we all have to conform to stereotypical families etc. He's gay. At my hen party he had a full tantrum and other friends wedding he walked out of as she wasn't paying him enough attention and then got angry we didn't realise for over an hour that he had left. He has had plenty of opportunities for relationships as we did have a period of time where we thought he might be jealous and struggling but this is not the case. He is just immature in general.

I personally want to shake him and tell him to stop being so selfish, but other friend is saying we know how he is so we should try and calm it down.

I have absolutely taken a massive step back from him over the years because all he wants is drama, but we do remain civil, but this one has thrown me right over the edge.

Would I be the arsehole to not pussyfoot round him and give him some home truths on how he's behaving? We never do normally and always end up feeling sorry for him when he eventually apologises when he realises he has gone too far.

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 11/07/2025 09:06

No one should plan their wedding around 1 guest's travel preferences.

Your friend is extremely odd to think he can tell someone where they can get married.

Based on his past behavior getting married at a location he won't go to seems like a top plan.

ohfourfoxache · 11/07/2025 09:07

He sounds like a nasty, toxic individual

Let him flounce, preferably permanently

Helpmeplease2025 · 11/07/2025 09:07

God, let him go. He’s no friend to any of you. Not all uni friends make the distance.

MrsPerfect12 · 11/07/2025 09:09

Sounds like it’s better if he doesn’t attend anyway. Best to put him in his place have a fall out and then you don’t need to see him again. Time to stop pandering to this selfish man.

despairofbadscience · 11/07/2025 09:10

Let him have his tantrum and don’t pander to it.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 11/07/2025 09:10

Probably best he doesn't go. Maybe set up a new group chat without him..

GCAcademic · 11/07/2025 09:10

Does he actually have any good qualities?

Alltheoldpaintings · 11/07/2025 09:11

I don’t think pandering to people is actually kind or helpful in the long term - it doesn’t really give them a fair chance to learn how their behaviour is perceived or impacts others.

In this case I would message him making your views clear - don’t list everything he’s ever done wrong, just deal with this situation.

AnotherGreyMorning · 11/07/2025 09:11

what a dickhead.

Couldn't bother with the home truths bit.

Just ignore ignore ignore. Don't associate with him.

Noshowlomo · 11/07/2025 09:12

What a delish self absorbed dick head. You should tell him that and let him flounce, let him tantrum. Tell him he’s acting like a child and absolutely not one person on earth plans their wedding based on the wants and needs of one guest. Who does he think he is?

Ohthatsabitshit · 11/07/2025 09:12

Why can’t he drive or take a train to Italy?

Original poster
ThatKeenJadeLeader · 11/07/2025 09:12

GCAcademic · 11/07/2025 09:10

Does he actually have any good qualities?

Honestly, not anymore. He was a fun friend but he's never mentally progressed past 25 ish. I did try but he has caused so many dramas I was pulling back anyway, but this is the final straw for me for just the insanity of thinking you can dictate where someone else's wedding is.

OP posts:
abracadabra1980 · 11/07/2025 09:12

He sounds immature, selfish and vile. Bin him off asap.

Original poster
ThatKeenJadeLeader · 11/07/2025 09:13

Ohthatsabitshit · 11/07/2025 09:12

Why can’t he drive or take a train to Italy?

He won't leave where we live. His weed smoking gave him paranoia and anxiety to the point he can't travel and he won't have therapy.

OP posts:
Lafufufu · 11/07/2025 09:13

I personally want to shake him and tell him to stop being so selfish, but other friend is saying we know how he is so we should try and calm it down.

Both of you are wrong.
I wouldnt calm it down and i wouldnt try and make him see sense....I'd cut him off

This guy is a toxic nightmare.
I don't know how ANY of you can like him.

My DH was a friend like this from uni...
she has NO good qualities its just history tying them together. they are now mid 30s and its escalating rapidly... shes a liability and a nightmare who ruins every single event. I keep wondering when theyll cut her out.

MrsTWH · 11/07/2025 09:14

If he won’t leave your home town and won’t seek help then it’s on him isn’t it? I can’t believe he thinks someone else’s wedding should be about him.
it’s clear this is a pattern of selfish behaviour and I would be binning him.

Warmhandscoldheart · 11/07/2025 09:15

Stop pandering to this man-child, he's left the group chat because he wants everyone to say 'poor him'
Time for some home truths that he's not the most important person in the wedding.

curtaintwitcher78 · 11/07/2025 09:16

Just ask him why he thinks he's more important than her elderly grandparents. Prick.

WaltzingWaters · 11/07/2025 09:16

Yes he sounds very toxic and I wouldn’t pander to his tantrum. He sounds utterly selfish and immature. Sounds as though it would be better for him not to be there anyway if he just gets drunk and makes drama.

savagedaughter · 11/07/2025 09:17

ThatKeenJadeLeader · 11/07/2025 09:01

Good Morning,

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how I can sort this situation out.

Friendship group of 5 of us. We are 36/37.

Me and two other women (married and kids), (one male) single no kids and other friend (currently in the process of marrying the most lovely man).

My friendship group has been together since uni. Me and two other women all got married from 27-30. Male friend never married/ never in a relationship. Other friend has been single despite being absolutely lovely and has finally found a bloke who treats her well- they got engaged last year and are planning the wedding.

Friend has family in Italy (was born here but has very elderly grandparents out there).

Anyway....male friend developed a problem with drinking and other things a few years ago and gave himself paranoia and anxiety through it. Friend has decided she wants to get married in her grandparents village in Italy so family who can't make the flight anymore can see her get married. She said she will also arrange a party for when she gets back for people here that won't be invited/ can't go.

Male friend has had a complete tantrum and left the group chat because his anxiety won't allow him to fly. Has messaged me and one of the other girls saying he can't believe she's being so selfish and she knows his issues and she should do it here at a location that would suit him.

This is not the first time he has acted like this. He is a horror at every life event we do. Got drunk at other friends daughters christening and started a rant about how it's a shame we all have to conform to stereotypical families etc. He's gay. At my hen party he had a full tantrum and other friends wedding he walked out of as she wasn't paying him enough attention and then got angry we didn't realise for over an hour that he had left. He has had plenty of opportunities for relationships as we did have a period of time where we thought he might be jealous and struggling but this is not the case. He is just immature in general.

I personally want to shake him and tell him to stop being so selfish, but other friend is saying we know how he is so we should try and calm it down.

I have absolutely taken a massive step back from him over the years because all he wants is drama, but we do remain civil, but this one has thrown me right over the edge.

Would I be the arsehole to not pussyfoot round him and give him some home truths on how he's behaving? We never do normally and always end up feeling sorry for him when he eventually apologises when he realises he has gone too far.

You'd be the arsehole for responding to him at all, ever again.

Merryoldgoat · 11/07/2025 09:18

Friendships are supposed to provide comfort and joy. Not this bollocks.

I had a friend I was always apologising for or making concessions for years ago and I realised it was fucking ridiculous.

There’s no way I’d keep this twit in my life

BriefHug · 11/07/2025 09:20

Just because Fate/a uni administrator placed a certain set of individuals in rooms adjacent to yours at university doesn't mean you have to stick with them for the rest of your lives if they don't evolve in a direction that you actually like.

Jackiebrambles · 11/07/2025 09:23

Does he seriously think your friend should get married near him, perhaps in his living room, to accommodate HIS needs? My god he sounds utterly deluded and toxic. I wouldn’t bother with him, don’t bother with the home truths, I’d just ignore him.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 11/07/2025 09:24

The fact he's a druggie is enough to ditch him full stop imo.

OhBling · 11/07/2025 09:24

So this is pretyy classic covert narcissistic behaviur. I'm not saying he is one but the behaviour traits are clearly there.

I mention this specifically only becuase it can be helpful to use that as a lens through which you look at his behaviour. Ultimately however, people like this are entitled and believe nothing is ever their responsibility or their fault. They are permanent victims. And the more you do to try to help them, support them, reassure them, build them up, ironically, the worse it is as that becomes your role - to validate their feelings.

I'm quite surprised he hasn't caused more drama between you. But perhaps becuase you've all been friends for a long time, it's hard for the classic smear campaign to work. It certainly souds like he's trying - in this case, to smear th ebride so the rest of you fall in line and pressure her. But it clearly isn't working.