Friend getting married abroad- other friend having tantrum

[ThatKeenJadeLeader]

Good Morning,

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how I can sort this situation out.

Friendship group of 5 of us. We are 36/37.

Me and two other women (married and kids), (one male) single no kids and other friend (currently in the process of marrying the most lovely man).

My friendship group has been together since uni. Me and two other women all got married from 27-30. Male friend never married/ never in a relationship. Other friend has been single despite being absolutely lovely and has finally found a bloke who treats her well- they got engaged last year and are planning the wedding.

Friend has family in Italy (was born here but has very elderly grandparents out there).

Anyway....male friend developed a problem with drinking and other things a few years ago and gave himself paranoia and anxiety through it. Friend has decided she wants to get married in her grandparents village in Italy so family who can't make the flight anymore can see her get married. She said she will also arrange a party for when she gets back for people here that won't be invited/ can't go.

Male friend has had a complete tantrum and left the group chat because his anxiety won't allow him to fly. Has messaged me and one of the other girls saying he can't believe she's being so selfish and she knows his issues and she should do it here at a location that would suit him.

This is not the first time he has acted like this. He is a horror at every life event we do. Got drunk at other friends daughters christening and started a rant about how it's a shame we all have to conform to stereotypical families etc. He's gay. At my hen party he had a full tantrum and other friends wedding he walked out of as she wasn't paying him enough attention and then got angry we didn't realise for over an hour that he had left. He has had plenty of opportunities for relationships as we did have a period of time where we thought he might be jealous and struggling but this is not the case. He is just immature in general.

I personally want to shake him and tell him to stop being so selfish, but other friend is saying we know how he is so we should try and calm it down.

I have absolutely taken a massive step back from him over the years because all he wants is drama, but we do remain civil, but this one has thrown me right over the edge.

Would I be the arsehole to not pussyfoot round him and give him some home truths on how he's behaving? We never do normally and always end up feeling sorry for him when he eventually apologises when he realises he has gone too far.

What a drama lama. He's immature and attention seeking. Why should lovely df plan her major life event around him.
Ignore his dramatics. If you don't fan the fire it will eventually go out.

The only thing you need to do is reassure friend getting married that you completely support her.

Goodness he sound deranged! As tempting as it might be, I don’t think that telling him the”home truths’ about his vile behaviour is going to do one bit of good. He won’t listen and take it on board. Your best bet is for the entire friendship group to form a united front, totally block him and move on. You will be much happier and more settle without him in your lives. I do feel sorry for his parents though - I hope he doesnt treat them in a similarly appalling manner.

Sounds like it’s a good job he can’t attend then due to his fear of flying. He’s more hassle than it’s worth.

It sounds like he is really struggling with MH problems. His latest tantrum isn't just selfish it's highly irrational. Of course no one should pander to it. None of you need to waste time with someone so difficult but you can still be there for him when he gets through whatever is going on. He needs to work through his MH problems himself and find his own way. Your friend shouldn't need to be thinking about him when she is getting married. To be honest if the wedding was only down the road I'm not sure he should go, if I was getting married i wouldn't want a highly anxious person going.

He’s clearly not a friend to any of you. Just stop engaging with him at all. And enjoy your trip to Italy to celebrate with your real friend.

Be tempted to tell him he's not invited and not wanted. Nobody says no anymore. Too easy to medicalise things like behaving like a total wanker.

Pp need to stop pandering to him. He's trained the group to respond nicely and calm him down and centre him.

I can't work out if it's misogynistic or narcissistic or both. Both probably.

His anxiety does not trump the bride wanting to marry wherever she wants in front of elderly grandparents.

Why do so many people on MN have "friends" they don't like?

So his flying issues should be a priority over her grandparents? lmao. He sounds like a complete nightmare, he's going to lose all of his friends if he doesn't sort himself out

I bet 50 p that your male friend is not single by choice.
Don't do anything he can embarrass him3as much a she can with those demands and tamtrums.

This is not your problem or your friend's problem to solve.

The friendship has ruin its course.

Support your friend who is getting married, tell your other friends how you feel but you understand why they might want to stay friend but you will now be giving this bloke a wide birth.

You don't owe him anything. You don't need to try and fix anything. You don't need to explain anything to him.

He's toxic. He won't respond well to anything you say, because he's so consumed by the above. He will only lash out at you. He isn't willing to take steps to deal with the problem and you can't make him.

Do not feel guilty or obliged to do anything further.

@ThatKeenJadeLeader

Oh, fuck that shit! I would absolutely be the one to tell him some very long overdue home truths & sod the consequences! What a selfish twat! Why does everyone tip-toe around him?? You've all grown up & he hasn't - maybe time to cut the cord & let him drift away!

I'm sorry OP but he sounds like an utter arsehole. I've known and worked with plenty of people with MH issues and they dont use that as an excuse to treat other people like shit as he is doing.

He sounds like a vile, toxic individual and frankly, I wonder why any of you have remained friends with someone so utterly self absorbed and selfish in the first place.

He'd have been long gone from my life....

If he's left the WhatsApp group, surely that's a win for everyone?

Don't bother with 'home truths' because that will just become another drama he can star in. Do what will really hurt - just ignore all of this nonsense. Don't engage, don't reply, don't get involved in any manner.

Have a lovely time at the wedding! I hope your friend has a wonderful day.

Oh god you all need to stop pandering to him. Tell him to wind his neck in and that the world does not, in fact, revolve around him.

His behaviour is manipulative attention seeking. Stop rewarding it.

Behaving like that would make him an ex friend pretty quickly.

Do not pander you might give him the impression that his behavior is acceptable or reasonable. Tell him he’s not the main character in other friends wedding and that she can marry wherever she likes especially when it gives her the opportunity to include her grandparents. Honestly I’m getting wound up at him just thinking about it!

Exactly this, I imagine also that subconsciously you all get something out of the drama, it’s something you get used to it’s familiar and gives you something to talk about.

he isn’t your problem to solve.

I personally want to shake him and tell him to stop being so selfish, but other friend is saying we know how he is so we should try and calm it down.

Honestly, I think telling him what a twat he's being IS what a good friend would do!

He's clearly self-absorbed and jealous, with a generous peppering of main-character syndrome, but really, how are the rest of you being good friends to the Bride, who has done nothing wrong, if you don't stand up for her?

From what you said, he has a tendency to derail other people's moments and he needs to know it's not OK, even though you've all clearly tolerated it in the past.

Rolling your eyes and letting things go to keep the peace doesn't help him, either.

I had a friend like this at university. He would come and collapse weeping outside my room in halls. After a year, I gradually put distance between us. Luckily for me it was in an era before smart phones, so that was a bit easier to do.

Drama llamas feed off your attention. Obviously he is being unreasonable, but I would just leave him to get on with it. If you confront him, you will become part of his drama, by 'attacking' him. Spend your efforts checking in on the bride instead.

I would definitely be distancing myself from this man. He’s an energy and attention vampire and when everyone panders to him they are enabling him to carry on behaving terribly with no consequences, and therefore no motivation to change. I also wouldn’t have a big drama filled discussion with him about your decision to distance yourself though as he would probably enjoying dining out on that, I would simply spend less time with him, miss calls and texts etc. Of course if he’s part of a friendship group you’ll likely still see him but you can be polite and detached, and potentially throw in the odd statement like “oh did you really think she’d prioritise you over her own family attending?”.

'Don't bother with 'home truths' because that will just become another drama he can star in. Do what will really hurt - just ignore all of this nonsense. Don't engage, don't reply, don't get involved in any manner.'

Completely agree with this. He sounds like an addict who is hooked on drama, among other things. Don't waste your time or breath on him any longer

@ThatKeenJadeLeader, I had a very problematic friend who I put up with for far too long. He wasn't quite as extreme as this guy, but was stingy and flaky and massively self centered. Like you, it took time and therapy for me to see the light. I still see him if he's in town, and he's good fun for a couple of hours, but I make no effort and have no emotional connection to him anymore, and life is definitely more peaceful for it.

He's left the WhatsApp group because he wants everyone to start running after him and give him attention.

Just let him get on with it.

If he doesn't make the effort to try and re-engage then he's really not worth the effort anyway and he's showing up how much you mean.

He's a typical man who expects the women around him to do all the running.

Stop it.

What a nasty little self obsessed, controlling, drug-abusing narcissist. Why on earth does anyone still tolerate him being around?