Friend getting married abroad- other friend having tantrum

[ThatKeenJadeLeader]

Good Morning,

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how I can sort this situation out.

Friendship group of 5 of us. We are 36/37.

Me and two other women (married and kids), (one male) single no kids and other friend (currently in the process of marrying the most lovely man).

My friendship group has been together since uni. Me and two other women all got married from 27-30. Male friend never married/ never in a relationship. Other friend has been single despite being absolutely lovely and has finally found a bloke who treats her well- they got engaged last year and are planning the wedding.

Friend has family in Italy (was born here but has very elderly grandparents out there).

Anyway....male friend developed a problem with drinking and other things a few years ago and gave himself paranoia and anxiety through it. Friend has decided she wants to get married in her grandparents village in Italy so family who can't make the flight anymore can see her get married. She said she will also arrange a party for when she gets back for people here that won't be invited/ can't go.

Male friend has had a complete tantrum and left the group chat because his anxiety won't allow him to fly. Has messaged me and one of the other girls saying he can't believe she's being so selfish and she knows his issues and she should do it here at a location that would suit him.

This is not the first time he has acted like this. He is a horror at every life event we do. Got drunk at other friends daughters christening and started a rant about how it's a shame we all have to conform to stereotypical families etc. He's gay. At my hen party he had a full tantrum and other friends wedding he walked out of as she wasn't paying him enough attention and then got angry we didn't realise for over an hour that he had left. He has had plenty of opportunities for relationships as we did have a period of time where we thought he might be jealous and struggling but this is not the case. He is just immature in general.

I personally want to shake him and tell him to stop being so selfish, but other friend is saying we know how he is so we should try and calm it down.

I have absolutely taken a massive step back from him over the years because all he wants is drama, but we do remain civil, but this one has thrown me right over the edge.

Would I be the arsehole to not pussyfoot round him and give him some home truths on how he's behaving? We never do normally and always end up feeling sorry for him when he eventually apologises when he realises he has gone too far.

Id give him a damn good shake then drop him for ever

I used to be in a friendship group of almost the exact same set up/dynamics.

I hate drama, fairly calm, even in a crisis, whereas the others would more happily pander to the anxiety (for which he took no medication and had 0 counselling/support for, by choice). One other woman was also anxious and they almost used to feed off each other.

Wedding of one of the friends was abroad and he (and therefore her also) were absolute drama llamas from start to finish. Everything was a massive deal. They refused to let anyone else drive the hire care because they “couldn’t trust their driving” (i.e. needed to be in control), kerbed it and damaged the tyre whilst stressing about following directions and driving the wrong way up a one way street…, I dealt with (paid hefty excess on credit card, dealt with practicalities calmly) and somehow that was still wrong. I passed no comments, just dealt with the practicalities.

My god, I was the devil incarnate for it. I was cold, I was unfeeling, I didn’t make “space” for their anxiety (which had put us all in a dangerous situation that I’d footed the hefty bill to fix). They then froze me out the entire wedding, leaving me no one to talk to, until the groom’s family took pity on me and made small talk. I tried and failed to fly home early, spent 2 miserable days being frozen out and never spoke to them again once we left the airport on the way home. Felt bad for the bride, who wasn’t part of it but seemed to be fine with the behaviour but actually realised that the relationship had caused me massive stress for years- I’d dreaded meet ups and they made me the but of their jokes.

Ironically, I’m the one with diagnosed autism. They scoffed when I shared my diagnosis, never showed any interest (adult diagnosis so lifechanging). Funnily enough, I make significant efforts to manage it’s impacts and ensure my needs don’t impact others as much as possible. Maybe that made me less tolerant of their drive to want their anxiety front and centre.

But I empathise with you. If I could do it differently, I would have distanced myself from the toxic 2 and tried to boulster my relationship with the others who became collateral, with some gentle but clear statements that I found the dynamics difficult and unhealthy and needed some space, but it wasn’t aimed at them.

Nailed it

@user1471548941 you sound amazing. I hope you found some real friends?

It sounds as if the other friends are enabling thus behaviour. Such an awful situation

It sounds as if the other friends are enabling thus behaviour. Such an awful situation

Does this Dickhead actually contribute anything to the friend group beyond being the token gay friend?
All fun and games at uni but its time the group grew up and moved on, preferably without him. IME women out up with nasty misogynistic behaviour from gay men that they never would from straight men.

'Friend has decided she wants to get married in her grandparents village in Italy so family who can't make the flight anymore can see her get married. She said she will also arrange a party for when she gets back for people here that won't be invited/ can't go.'

It seems like she has done her best. She's arranging a party for when she gets back for those who can't go. It's her wedding. She can do as she pleases. Surely her family come first? The friend who can't fly is being totally unreasonable. And anyway, if he really wants to go he can travel over land. Anyway, why is it your problem? Let him sort it out.

Yes I agree - soon-to-be-bride has done the right thing and perhaps twat friend knows it!

I agree with others, set up a group chat without him and focus all your attention on the b2b. Don’t bother feeding the drama hoover.

Ah thanks! Yes, I have other friends who were nothing like this lot- once I’d dropped them, I had much more time to invest in the other friendships and it was a real lesson on the value of good friends. I think I’d misplaced the value of this lot on the basis that we’d been friends basically since nursey, but longevity doesn’t stop people being toxic. I realised that whilst the other friendships were maybe newer (but still 5 years +!), they were brilliant friends who had my back- 5 years later, they were my fab bridesmaids at my no drama wedding. I felt not a drop of regret that the other ‘friends’ weren’t there!

It’s the parasitic type of anxiety, where you aren’t worried at all about letting loose at your ‘friends’ and telling them how shit they are and why prioritising their grandparents attending their wedding makes them terrible people, and also means you have to have an outburst whenever… something good happens to someone else. That kind of ‘anxiety’. Bin him off and save your sympathy for someone working hard to confront their issues to be a good friend and family member.

I am in Italy now and the trains are fantastic- I know that is not the point of the AIBU but your friend can get to the Italian wedding with only a little more holiday taken. Would add that to the mix

YANBU - he evidently thinks that the world revolves around him. He really needs to take a long hard look at himself and understand how his behaviour is negatively impacting the quality of the group's relationship. Sadly, however, I fear he never will.

There's no correct way to address this as, whatever you (collectively or singly) do will have some fallout. If I were in your position, I'd be very inclined to keep quiet until / unless his behaviour negatively impacts you directly. I feel for your friend who is getting married, but she has no need to bow to his demands / expectations - it's not all about him and someone should really tell him that. He needs to address his insecurities before things will change / improve for him (and, by default, you and your group).

It's ridiculously easy, not particularly expensive, not even that much more time-consuming (once you take transit / check-in times into account) and vastly more fun and interesting than flying to travel to Italy overland and by ferry. Tell gormless pal to use some initiative and imagination.

I can’t help thinking that, based on his previous behaviour, it would be much better NOT to suggest alternative methods of travel!

Maybe your friend is intentionally getting married abroad so he can’t go

No you are absolutely not being the arsehole. Friend is a twat and needs to get over himself, pull his pants up and sort his issues out. You don’t meed to be around people like this, they’re draining and the drama is embarrassing too. You’re right to distance yourself from anything that disturbs your own peace and happiness. Maybe better he doesn’t attend if he hasn’t done enough work on himself to be in a good place. Nobody else should be suffering because of on manipulative “fake friend”

I have a simple stock phrase for this sort of bullshit: "it's not about you".

Usually works.

(Oops just seen it's an old thread)

Someone needs to tell him that it's her wedding and she can have it where ever she wants it. Sounds like too much effort, If he\s left the group I guess you are half way there already, wouldn't pamper to his needs.