Friend getting married abroad- other friend having tantrum

[ThatKeenJadeLeader]

Good Morning,

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how I can sort this situation out.

Friendship group of 5 of us. We are 36/37.

Me and two other women (married and kids), (one male) single no kids and other friend (currently in the process of marrying the most lovely man).

My friendship group has been together since uni. Me and two other women all got married from 27-30. Male friend never married/ never in a relationship. Other friend has been single despite being absolutely lovely and has finally found a bloke who treats her well- they got engaged last year and are planning the wedding.

Friend has family in Italy (was born here but has very elderly grandparents out there).

Anyway....male friend developed a problem with drinking and other things a few years ago and gave himself paranoia and anxiety through it. Friend has decided she wants to get married in her grandparents village in Italy so family who can't make the flight anymore can see her get married. She said she will also arrange a party for when she gets back for people here that won't be invited/ can't go.

Male friend has had a complete tantrum and left the group chat because his anxiety won't allow him to fly. Has messaged me and one of the other girls saying he can't believe she's being so selfish and she knows his issues and she should do it here at a location that would suit him.

This is not the first time he has acted like this. He is a horror at every life event we do. Got drunk at other friends daughters christening and started a rant about how it's a shame we all have to conform to stereotypical families etc. He's gay. At my hen party he had a full tantrum and other friends wedding he walked out of as she wasn't paying him enough attention and then got angry we didn't realise for over an hour that he had left. He has had plenty of opportunities for relationships as we did have a period of time where we thought he might be jealous and struggling but this is not the case. He is just immature in general.

I personally want to shake him and tell him to stop being so selfish, but other friend is saying we know how he is so we should try and calm it down.

I have absolutely taken a massive step back from him over the years because all he wants is drama, but we do remain civil, but this one has thrown me right over the edge.

Would I be the arsehole to not pussyfoot round him and give him some home truths on how he's behaving? We never do normally and always end up feeling sorry for him when he eventually apologises when he realises he has gone too far.

To be fair to OP, if she hadn’t said he was gay, the first ten replies would all have said he’s secretly in love with the friend getting married.

How about this?
Friend.. "Why does she have to have her wedding in a place I can't/won't go to? I will tantrum until she changes her wedding plans." The rage begins.

You: "OK then"

Your DH had it right. Why bother with all the angst.

this. My usual question really.

I don't think any of you should make a special effort with him. He wants upset and drama and seems to be targeting the two of you most likely to react - he doesn't really care whether he gets sympathy or a telling off. He has left the group chat, let him be. If he messages you directly, I would be inclined to ignore but if you do respond be brief and uninvolved.

Male friend is the selfish brat. He doesn’t get to decide where friend gets married, who has already said she’ll hold a UK party.

I wouldn’t volunteer to give him home truths, but if starts ranting then definitely reply.

But "flounce" is used when anyone very publicly removes themself from a group chat. No?

Yes. And there is a Flouncer's Corner on MN.

But some posters are addicted to the dopamine hit and power trip that comes with 'calling out" invented offences.

Former friend very shortly I hope. The only question is what you say to tell him why.

Block and delete his number. As most people have already said, this guy is not your friend. He doesn’t wish you or anyone in your group well. At best he is a drama llama.

"Steve, if you keep on being a dick to all your friends, you're not going to have any. Make up your mind if that's what you want". Then leave it there. He knows what he's done; he just need to know that you're all running out of patience. If he doesn't want to change, phase him out.

Sorry, a bit of a ramble, trying to go through all the comments - but (even before the wedding stuff) "Got drunk at other friends daughters christening and started a rant about how it's a shame we all have to conform to stereotypical families etc" - A 'rant'??? This alone (plus all the other stuff) would have raised a huge red nasty flag - he appears to make this all about him & his opinions, when its nothing at all to do with him (making a point of spoiling baby & parents special day etc,) - why did he even attend?? & all the other bits - the weed, etc (paranoia) - Has he always been on weed?? You sound like a good friend who actually wants to help him, but he appears to care nothing about who he hurts with this 'childish' & self centred behaviour' - would he sit down & have an in depth talk about his behaviour - with yourself or anyone else? Hate to use the word 'intervention' - but maybe that is what he needs or even maybe wants - professional help is out there - but would he be prepared to admit that he could benefit from such help - if not, bin him off, move on & leave him to wallow in his own little self centred world - if so, then maybe 'signpost' to such help & support him - but to be honest, (just my opinion) unless he is prepared to admit / realise his problems he will only spiral down & alienate himself. You said he does apologise afterwards, so he does at least realise that he has been wrong in his behaviour - (did something happen that made him like this, some event that you don't know about?) - but, please don't enable him with his excuses - sometimes one (ie he) has to hit rock bottom in order to bounce up again??

Yep, regularly used to describe women on here. Must be misogynistic as well as homophobic then 😋

I would go completely NC! No way would I be friends or continue a friendship with someone like that 😱

They are kind caring messages people have suggested. How about instead ‘you always try to ruin everyone’s big events anyway so your should get over yourself that she should have booked it specifically so you could come. She’s booked it so her relatives can come and anyone would have done the same, who are you to say she should have prioritised you over her relatives?’

What stands out most to me is this “friend” repeatedly behaves badly at important life milestones and celebrations for other friends, tries to derail them in some way and makes it about them. I think they need some serious therapy for this amongst other things and only they can decide to seek that out. I would tell your friend to book her wedding and enjoy celebrating her day in Italy. At a certain point, if friendships become repeatedly toxic or harmful to your life you need to withdraw from them. No one deserves to have milestone moments ruined for them, it’s just unkind.

People who have tantrums when you share something positive about your life are highly toxic and narcissistic individuals.

I bet he's also accused you and your friends for rubbing it in whenever you recall happy memories that have nothing to do with him.

Is he also the sort of person who would treat your illness or a death of a family member as an inconvenience because yoire not available for them?

He's not a friend. He's an emotional vampire. Despite his apologies, he hasn't changed and he won't. True remorse comes from change in behaviour.

He's left the WhatsApp group, so the trash has taken itself out, as they say. Do not chase after him, and watch him worm his way back because he will, when he realises none of you are willing to be at his beck and call.

You know the answer. He's been lucky enough to have had an invite: he accepts or declines. End of. No need to explain, discuss or get involved. Not your problem . . .sadly its all his.

I mean I generally think abroad weddings are rude and entitled because it leaves people out and puts a strain on relationships where they are unable to attend due to finances/kids/working arrangements etc. However, in this case I think your male friend just needs to get a grip

A) she can get married where she wants.

B) if he’s suffering from anxiety, as you say his is, then shaking him and telling him to pull himself together is not going to change anything and quite horrible.

???

Wow. I suddenly think it is good he can’t make it.

Did you read the bit where her grandparents are in their 90s and can’t travel?

Apparently you can get the train to Italy, but honestly I wouldn't tell him, he sounds like a nightmare.

Just ask him why he thinks he's more important than her elderly grandparents

That. Has anyone pointed out to him that he is not the central and most important person in this wedding?

Yes that’s why I said “in this case”

You didn’t need to say “in this case” at all.