Friend getting married abroad- other friend having tantrum

[ThatKeenJadeLeader]

Good Morning,

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how I can sort this situation out.

Friendship group of 5 of us. We are 36/37.

Me and two other women (married and kids), (one male) single no kids and other friend (currently in the process of marrying the most lovely man).

My friendship group has been together since uni. Me and two other women all got married from 27-30. Male friend never married/ never in a relationship. Other friend has been single despite being absolutely lovely and has finally found a bloke who treats her well- they got engaged last year and are planning the wedding.

Friend has family in Italy (was born here but has very elderly grandparents out there).

Anyway....male friend developed a problem with drinking and other things a few years ago and gave himself paranoia and anxiety through it. Friend has decided she wants to get married in her grandparents village in Italy so family who can't make the flight anymore can see her get married. She said she will also arrange a party for when she gets back for people here that won't be invited/ can't go.

Male friend has had a complete tantrum and left the group chat because his anxiety won't allow him to fly. Has messaged me and one of the other girls saying he can't believe she's being so selfish and she knows his issues and she should do it here at a location that would suit him.

This is not the first time he has acted like this. He is a horror at every life event we do. Got drunk at other friends daughters christening and started a rant about how it's a shame we all have to conform to stereotypical families etc. He's gay. At my hen party he had a full tantrum and other friends wedding he walked out of as she wasn't paying him enough attention and then got angry we didn't realise for over an hour that he had left. He has had plenty of opportunities for relationships as we did have a period of time where we thought he might be jealous and struggling but this is not the case. He is just immature in general.

I personally want to shake him and tell him to stop being so selfish, but other friend is saying we know how he is so we should try and calm it down.

I have absolutely taken a massive step back from him over the years because all he wants is drama, but we do remain civil, but this one has thrown me right over the edge.

Would I be the arsehole to not pussyfoot round him and give him some home truths on how he's behaving? We never do normally and always end up feeling sorry for him when he eventually apologises when he realises he has gone too far.

I didn't say he was a narc. I said he has those behaviour traits. It may well be that he has them due to mental health o rother issues. But quite frankly, I don't give a flying toss if that's the case.

Because what I am tired of is people (almost always men - funny that) who use their mental health as an excuse to behave in narcissistic and abusive ways. OP has said he wont' seek therapy or help for his issues, he just expects everyone else to accomodate him. and when they don't meet his standards, he throws a tantrum.

Ignore him, he knows full well he’s being a twat and I wouldn’t give him any headspace. Once he has cottoned on that nobody cares he’ll either apologise and change or he won’t.

His tantrum is between him and the woman friend who invited him.

Unless you like creating more drama don’t stick your beak in and wind him up.

You’ve distanced yourself and are civil when you meet up, that’s all you need to keep on doing.

Setting yourself up as the superior out of the group to admonish him is ridiculous.

He's gay.

I was going to ask if he was before I got to this bit. Many gay men have a serious misogyny problem.

I voted YANBU - but this should not be in a chat of any kind, group or individual.

Talk to him calmly and firmly and say it is unreasonable to expect bride to arrange her wedding around his anxieties rather than her dear grandparents needs, and unreasonable to expect anyone to sympathise with him. Tell him how his behaviour makes you feel. Stay away from insults or haranguing.

I'd leave him to his tantrum after telling him to get his head out of his arse and realise he's not the centre of the bloody universe. Why anyone would bother trying to placate this arsehole is beyond me!

He won't want to go abroad cos you can't take Ganja through customs, and he won't know where to get any from in Italy. Social situations without a crutch drug are a huge source of anxiety for addicts.

Not your circus OP.

Kind response = ‘well if she did the wedding here her grandparents won’t see her get married so family has to come first’

hard truths response = ‘You have got drunk and caused a scene at so many life events so no wonder she’s not desperate for you to be able to attend’

I certainly wouldn't be inviting him back to any group chat let alone the wedding.

He sounds incredibly controlling, hissy fitting when he doesn't get his own way.
There's another wedding party at home for those that can't do the abroad one that he could attend, this isn't his day, this isn't his wedding.

Step back, stop pandering to him, he's beginning to expect you all do do so, stop inviting him to places, no one wants to feel they have to make their life choices suit one, very opinionated, person.

It's a non issue. Of course the bride needs to put her family first. He can go by coach and ferry if he doesn't want to fly.

YANBU. So rather than him seeking help for his anxiety and paranoia, he wants a whole wedding relocated for him. If he brings it up again, I'd say the priority is for the bride to have her grandparents there and the day of her dreams, if he's that bothered he needs to get cracking with professional help so he can be there .

The thing I appreciate the most about my two closest friends and my main friendship group, is that they will get me all the way together if needed. They help keep me grounded.

You are not friends until you can tell someone being an ass, to pull themselves together. Pandering is what gives him the power to show out at every event.

I don’t know how you can be bothered with him. he’s is the way he is because everyone always pussyfoots around him.
people will treat you how you allow them

Why are you still friends with this person?

Why do you think it is ok to look at total arsehole behaviour and say "oh it must be a mental health / neurodivergence issue"? Do you not realise how insulting that is to all the people out there with mental health issues / neurodivergence who manage not to be total arseholes? Mental health / neurodivergence DOES NOT equate to being an arsehole. Stop stigmatising us.

Now that he has left the WhatsApp group....quickly set up a new one where he cannot join.

There's nothing to sort out. He's left the group because it doesn't suit him any more. No need to stir.

If he liked being in the group he wouldn't have to fly to Italy; Europe has good trains and a good road network.

But it sounds as if you would all be better off if he didn't come.

I think telling him the home truths will not have the desired effect.
What it will do it pander to his need for attention and drama, then he will use that to cause problems in the group. Go on a drinking binge and blame everyone else for it. And generally cause massive drama.
I think the best thing here is to take the high ground. Remain metter of fact about the situation of the wedding and his anxiety. Don't engage in drama and emotional blackmail.
At the end of the day his own life choices are his own.
I would withdraw from too much engagement in conversation with him.
Potentially he needs to find himself outside this friendship group that he has clearly leant on over the years as a crux, and find his oen path. Becuase having people who always enable, forgive and forget how he has acted has meant he does not have to take responsibility for himself.

Don't do this, OP! There just might be an outside chance that he would actually do it (bonus drama points - "Look what an effort I made to be here for you. It took me days! You should be so honoured.") and end up ruining the whole thing.

Well it's a bloody good job he won't go to her wedding - the toxic cunt would only try and ruin it!

I certainly wouldn't bother with him anymore

I'd laugh in his face first.

Then point him in the direction of the nearest psychiatrist to deal with his issues.

Then block.

Leave him to flounce and stop pandering to him. Enjoy the wedding without the drama

How do you know whether he is a narcissist or not? No one does. He is displaying some narcissistic behaviour though.
Most people with anxiety and autistic traits don't behave in this vile manner. Whatever his problems are, he is behaving in an appalling way and refusing to seek any help.

@ThatKeenJadeLeader it sounds as if you and your friends should have let this friendship slide a long time ago.