Friend getting married abroad- other friend having tantrum

[ThatKeenJadeLeader]

Good Morning,

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how I can sort this situation out.

Friendship group of 5 of us. We are 36/37.

Me and two other women (married and kids), (one male) single no kids and other friend (currently in the process of marrying the most lovely man).

My friendship group has been together since uni. Me and two other women all got married from 27-30. Male friend never married/ never in a relationship. Other friend has been single despite being absolutely lovely and has finally found a bloke who treats her well- they got engaged last year and are planning the wedding.

Friend has family in Italy (was born here but has very elderly grandparents out there).

Anyway....male friend developed a problem with drinking and other things a few years ago and gave himself paranoia and anxiety through it. Friend has decided she wants to get married in her grandparents village in Italy so family who can't make the flight anymore can see her get married. She said she will also arrange a party for when she gets back for people here that won't be invited/ can't go.

Male friend has had a complete tantrum and left the group chat because his anxiety won't allow him to fly. Has messaged me and one of the other girls saying he can't believe she's being so selfish and she knows his issues and she should do it here at a location that would suit him.

This is not the first time he has acted like this. He is a horror at every life event we do. Got drunk at other friends daughters christening and started a rant about how it's a shame we all have to conform to stereotypical families etc. He's gay. At my hen party he had a full tantrum and other friends wedding he walked out of as she wasn't paying him enough attention and then got angry we didn't realise for over an hour that he had left. He has had plenty of opportunities for relationships as we did have a period of time where we thought he might be jealous and struggling but this is not the case. He is just immature in general.

I personally want to shake him and tell him to stop being so selfish, but other friend is saying we know how he is so we should try and calm it down.

I have absolutely taken a massive step back from him over the years because all he wants is drama, but we do remain civil, but this one has thrown me right over the edge.

Would I be the arsehole to not pussyfoot round him and give him some home truths on how he's behaving? We never do normally and always end up feeling sorry for him when he eventually apologises when he realises he has gone too far.

Ah I see !

Why are you still putting up with this man baby? This is your chance to let him go, permanently. He’s behaving like a twat. If you feel able to tell him that, good for you. What a knob.

I would tell him the truth about his behaviour.

Then I really could not be bothered with any form of friendship afterwards.

He brings nothing to your life but selfish drama. It's OK to drop friends that don't work going forward.

Why are you all friends with him? Do you enjoy the drama?
Your male ‘friend’ doesn't like any of you, he would love to see your lives destroyed and would be sitting gleefully watching, in a front row seat with popcorn!

I wouldn’t give him ‘home truths’, as that rarely ends well. I would just let him stew and not engage in much discussion about it, other than ‘X wants to get married in Italy with her elderly grandparents there’ on repeat.
When is the wedding? Make sure when you get to Italy, you all have your phones switched off or on silent, so he can’t disturb your peace.

I would cut him dead, block him on everything and move on with my life. He’s a complete and utter loser.

This. I cannot understand how a bunch of adults has put with this for so long...

But I would suggest the slow fade/ghost rather than confrontation, because he WILL use that as ammunition to kick off a massive drama ('DARVO DARVO, she was horrid to me, I'm going to end it all'...). And he will do it at the point of maximum attention-seeking during that poor woman's wedding. He'll probably pull something like that anyway, be aware.

I can see why he has always been single.

Is your other friend a people pleaser? Only a people pleaser would say “we know how he is” as though that makes shitty behaviour acceptable.

Whomever said up thread to ask him why he thinks he is more important than her elderly grandparents, I second that.

I unfortunately have only realised this over the last couple of years so have distanced myself quite alot. My husband said the same thing after meeting him 3 times and has continued to tell me over the years. It was only once I got therapy myself I realised. Better late than never I guess.

If any of my friends behaved like that, they wouldn't be friends anymore.

Why is he still a friend?

I wouldn't be sorry...

For the love of god, stop pandering to him

He can always go over by ferry or train and drive if he’s that bothered

I would struggle not to laugh when he came out with that gem.
Really plan wedding around him lol

Id honestly just stop speaking to him and drop him.

This!

Is he actually even invited? I wouldn't invite him.

He's not a narcissist for fuck sake.

To me he sounds undiagnosed anxiety issue, mental illness, maybe autistic but presenting as MH issues etc. All the hall marks there. No personal relationships, lives with his parents etc.

When will this obsession with everyone being a narc end.

He sounds horrible. Does he have any redeeming qualities?

I'd just withdraw completely from the relationship with him, tell the other's that you're done with his antics and crack on.

He's not a friend. He's a liability. Your DH is right. If I was bride I'd just ignore him, and he wouldn't be invited to the UK celebration.

He sounds ridiculous.

He needs to grow up and realise that the world does not revolve around him. If he can't then I'd kill the friendship

I'd be so frustrated with the friends who still want to bother with him.

What has bride said?

I would block his number, block him on SM and tell your other friends, that you are done with his drama, that friends don’t sabotage our happiness, they celebrate with us.

He is ruining all your special occasions by making it all about him. He needs to grow up and realise that the world does not revolve around him, and that people are not going to arrange their weddings and special events around what suits him.

It is sad if he has issues, but to put it bluntly, they are not your problem. The more he is pandered to, the worse it will get.

He needs to accept the fact that it is his issues stopping him going, nothing else , and that he needs to seek help for them.

As a group of friends, you should be encouraging him to seek help.

I had to step away from a friend who was an alcoholic, because it just became too much in the end. They always went home early, or disappeared when we were out in town leaving everyone worried. They repeatedly ended up in hospital, and made bad choices with partners. Everybody had to walk away from them for their own sanity.

I have to admit that this is one reason for our destination wedding. My fiancé's brother is - imo - quite horrible. He is an absolute racist, drunk, quite anti-social. He picked a fight with my fiancé at his own wedding, insulted his (new) sister-in-law for picking *n--- music etc. and he had managed to sabotage our engagement party... I have never seen my fiancé cry like he did back then and I won't have a repeat of that at our wedding.

Not inviting my future BIL however would have caused a huge issue (my fiancé's mother would have - yet again - felt like she had to pick sides, try to get the brothers to reconcile etc...).

Text book narcissistic behaviour.
Say nothing at all.
Mute his number.
Be unavailable.
Do not engage at all.
Tell your friends that you don't want to hear about it.
Be ruthless.

He will only get a lot worse as he ages.
Back completely away now.
Keep him away from your family.

He seriously doesn't wish you well.
Get away now while his parents are alive.
You do not wish to be in contact when they go and shit gets real for him.