Friend getting married abroad- other friend having tantrum

[ThatKeenJadeLeader]

Good Morning,

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how I can sort this situation out.

Friendship group of 5 of us. We are 36/37.

Me and two other women (married and kids), (one male) single no kids and other friend (currently in the process of marrying the most lovely man).

My friendship group has been together since uni. Me and two other women all got married from 27-30. Male friend never married/ never in a relationship. Other friend has been single despite being absolutely lovely and has finally found a bloke who treats her well- they got engaged last year and are planning the wedding.

Friend has family in Italy (was born here but has very elderly grandparents out there).

Anyway....male friend developed a problem with drinking and other things a few years ago and gave himself paranoia and anxiety through it. Friend has decided she wants to get married in her grandparents village in Italy so family who can't make the flight anymore can see her get married. She said she will also arrange a party for when she gets back for people here that won't be invited/ can't go.

Male friend has had a complete tantrum and left the group chat because his anxiety won't allow him to fly. Has messaged me and one of the other girls saying he can't believe she's being so selfish and she knows his issues and she should do it here at a location that would suit him.

This is not the first time he has acted like this. He is a horror at every life event we do. Got drunk at other friends daughters christening and started a rant about how it's a shame we all have to conform to stereotypical families etc. He's gay. At my hen party he had a full tantrum and other friends wedding he walked out of as she wasn't paying him enough attention and then got angry we didn't realise for over an hour that he had left. He has had plenty of opportunities for relationships as we did have a period of time where we thought he might be jealous and struggling but this is not the case. He is just immature in general.

I personally want to shake him and tell him to stop being so selfish, but other friend is saying we know how he is so we should try and calm it down.

I have absolutely taken a massive step back from him over the years because all he wants is drama, but we do remain civil, but this one has thrown me right over the edge.

Would I be the arsehole to not pussyfoot round him and give him some home truths on how he's behaving? We never do normally and always end up feeling sorry for him when he eventually apologises when he realises he has gone too far.

Don't bother with the home truths Op, he'll make it into another drama. He's jealous and angry, everytime you celebrate a step forward it reminds him he doesn't have those things, so he tries to spoil it.
Ignore him Op, block him on your phone and stop entertaining his tantrums, after all he brings nothing of value to your life

I wouldn't rock the boat because at least one of your friends wouldn't side with you, which means you're at risk of being pushed out of the group.

Continue being civil/minimal contact for now. Let the bride deal with it.

Cut this one loose. He sounds completely self absorbed. Have a gentle word with the bride though to let her know she's not in the wrong and you all support her, as she's likely pulling her hair out in having to deal with him. Less she communicates with him the better.

Wow, entitled and controlling much?

I avoid people like that. He's tried to sabotage any and every life event to make it about him. This guy's an emotional vampire.

I wouldn't do your dropping truth bombs about what a toxic man he is, he would enjoy the attention and play the victim.

Just grey rock. Give him nothing. The messaging when you have important things that need your attention, don't answer his texts. If he whines, you had family matter, appointments, whatever to deal with. Give him less info about your life. Give your friends less info if you think they'll pass it on.

At least you realize how irrational he's being to expect to be able to dictate where a friend gets married. You might have outgrown your friendship group if they continue to cater to someone whose thinking is so self centered and actions are so disruptive

Definitely don’t do the home truths. It might be initially satisfying for you to get it off your chest, but it’s not going to achieve anything. He’s not going to have an epiphany and suddenly become nice. All you’re doing is handing him a nicely gift wrapped package of reasons to have another drama and make the other women in the group feel sorry for him because you’ve ‘bullied’ him. It would make his day, especially if he sees that you’re not falling for his nonsense anymore.

What would be absolutely infuriating for him is if you just accepted everything he said with a very bland ‘that’s a shame you can’t make it, you’ll be missed’. Don’t say a word to the others. Vent to your DH if you need to. And gradually withdraw even further from him. But understand that your friendship group is changing irrevocably and he needs to be the one to go, not you. So let him push the others to the point of no return. He can do that by himself; he doesn’t need your help.

@ThatKeenJadeLeader YABU OP. I would simply message him along the lines of " 'Lovely Friend' can get married wherever she likes - it's her wedding. It's not about you." Then block him on everything so he can't spoil your anticipation of your lovely friend's big day or the day itself. (Your other friends can decide for themselves how they want to respond to his self-centred hissy fit, but you should ask them not to mention it to you because you're no longer interested.) His behaviour is poor in the extreme and I think you all need to drop him as he's bringing nothing to the party - and that's his choice.

Your friend who is getting married sounds very sensible and is doing something that I am thinking of too - wedding abroad with people who want to come then a party back home for people who dont

Friend having a tantrum definitely needs telling how unreasonable his behaviour is

Weird isn't. All of my friends enhance my life. What's the point in having a 'friend' that makes you miserable!

I think his tantrum might really be because his last single friend is now marrying like the rest of you did. It sounds like you have all outgrown him and if he wants to act like he's much younger he should get some younger friends too.

I think the friend who’s getting married has payed a blinder, if not want him anywhere near my wedding. This way he simply won’t come.

id just not get involved, giving him some home truths won’t work, he won’t ever see he’s in the wrong and will only go into victim mode. Drop the rope and distance yourself

Why on earth are any of you still friends with him, let alone pander to him?

He's clearly not a good friend and has so many examples of poor behaviour.

It must be a case of 4 people pleasers indulging a toxic, self indulgent, dramatic guy who is not a true friend to any of you. WHY?

How DO people like this manage to keep friends?! If I behaved like this I'd expect to see people running like rats from a burning ship whenever I hoved into sight!

Honestly, he is utterly obnoxious and who needs that in their life? He might have been nice and fun in your uni days, but he sure isn't like that now. I'd have given him a wide berth years ago and certainly wouldn't be inviting him to events when I know he's going to behave badly. Sack him off!

I personally want to shake him and tell him to stop being so selfish, but other friend is saying we know how he is so we should try and calm it down.

Your other friend’s attitude will have been exactly what he is relying on. He knows people make excuses for him - “Yeah, Steve’s a bit of a drama queen, but that’s just Steve; he’s okay really” - and thinks exactly the same will happen again. Your other friend is already proving him right.

“That’s just how he/she is” is a fairly bland way to minimise criticism of someone; usually to avoid the dreaded row. But when you think about it, it’s actually a pretty bizarre thing to say. If you phrased it as “Steve’s alright apart from his personality”, people would laugh and ask you what else is there? Yet that’s effectively exactly what “That’s just how he/she is” amounts to. It’s quite an eye opener to think of it like that.

I agree with those saying don’t bother to give him an ear-bashing. It will momentarily faze him, as he’s expecting everyone to run after him, telling him they didn’t mean to upset him, please come back to the WhatsApp group (which was exactly why he left in the first place). But once he’s over the shock, he’ll realise he now has a new source of drama - and this time, he won’t even need to pretend he’s at the centre of it. Much better to stay silent and wait to see what happens when he realises you’re not going to come crawling.

All the people asking why you didn’t just ditch him years ago - I completely get their point, but it’s not always that easy with a long term friend, is it? Especially when it means throwing a grenade into an established friendship group. And it’s hard when it’s not one big incident, but a series of issues that eventually becomes a pattern. It’s like if a storm blows your chimney stack down and causes a massive leak in the roof - you’d be on the phone to a roofer straight away. But if you spot a couple of loose slates, it’s easy to think “I must get that looked at before winter”, but keep plodding along with it, because it’s not causing any major problems - until of course it does.

Well...there it is.....weed has destroyed his life....I wouldn't bother with his drama....and sadly have to walk away from this friendship.....especially as he won't get help

What a fucking loser 😂😂😂

I'd get married in Italy specifically so he couldn't attend if I was her

He has Main Character Syndrome, and if you try to confront him he will turn it around to make himself the Victim In His Own Drama. So it's probably kinder to just gently pull back and remove all the energy he can feed off.

The plonker.

He's an selfish, toxic twat.

I'd step back from the friendship

Bloody hell what a blessing he can't/won't go.

I recently lost a friend over her horrible verbal outbursts. She has always smoked weed, but during covid really started smoking more, and I also think it has given her a mental disorder. We've taken the tantrums for years, but after the last one I text her that she needs to get mental help with a qualified therapist and we will be there for her when she does, but she can't behave this way and expect our friendship. She of course exploded over text message, said truly horible things for days on end (and deliberately hurt one of the girls to prove a point) while no one replied, and she eventually left the chat.

Bottom line is no you do not have to be there for this person. They likely do need help, but until they choose to get help, they're going to be in this shitty spiral, and you and your friends won't fix this. I'd distance myself.

This kind of says it all, OP. Yep, time to cut the cord.

Oop, another homophobic mask slips.

3, 2, 1 until we're gaslit being told "flounce wasnt meant offensivelyyyyy"

OP - his behaviour is appalling. But why is his sexuality relevant.

Of course he does….. he sounds like he has a personality disorder.

Your husband has him nailed! 😂

Would he take Xanax for the flight? He might meet someone nice on holidays, I would suggest that and suggest tries the Xanax.

it’s sounds more than anxiety now though.

It’s ok to leave him have the tantrum and just watch the fireworks now, there is no more you can do.

He should be unceremoniously dumped from the friendship group, stat!

I've said YANBU because it's an absolute waste of your energy to bother giving him home truths or even to try and get him to see reason about the wedding.

Cut him off! What a manchild!