if I'm totally fed up of people assuming SAHMs are rich and idle?

[bohemianbint]

I am one, because I CAN'T AFFORD TO PUT TWO CHILDREN INTO CHILDCARE.

I did initially go back to work, but got shafted by my boss and am about to take him to court. We are not minted and I don't spend my time watching tv, eating bicuits and buying handbags. More's the pity. I will go back to work my my children are older, for definite, but for now, I'm stuck, whether I like it or not.

I find it hard to believe I'm the only person who can't actually afford to work?

I am a SAHM through choice and I gave up a job I loved which was reasonably well paid to look after my dd full time. People often look down on me as if I am a burden on society but I don't get any form of benefit, we just cut our spending. What does annoy me though is when people say thay couldn't afford to give up work and they are driving expensive cars and having fancy holidays, what they mean to say is thay don't want to give up their lifestyle.

I do have my own money, it's called a debit card that I never have to pay for or justify.
I don't live for the whims of the income earner, and for the sake of our relationship I no longer talk about his work!! (long story) We discuss my learning, books, interests, children, etc. I do very little housework as my cleaner comes twice a week and my dp takes care of the children most evenings, for baths and stuff and we both do story time. He does his fair share when he's around and if I'm tired at the weekend I get to lie in whilst he takes the children to the zoo on a Sunday morning.
It is possible to be a SAHM and have the same appreciation as a WOHM, same self esteem, same money control, just as it is possible to be a WOHM to do all the domestic chores, childcare and arrangements and follow a partner's whims. It is more about the relationship than the working/not working position of the mother.

I do have my own money, it's called a debit card that I never have to pay for or justify.
I don't live for the whims of the income earner, and for the sake of our relationship I no longer talk about his work!! (long story) We discuss my learning, books, interests, children, etc. I do very little housework as my cleaner comes twice a week and my dp takes care of the children most evenings, for baths and stuff and we both do story time. He does his fair share when he's around and if I'm tired at the weekend I get to lie in whilst he takes the children to the zoo on a Sunday morning.
It is possible to be a SAHM and have the same appreciation as a WOHM, same self esteem, same money control, just as it is possible to be a WOHM to do all the domestic chores, childcare and arrangements and follow a partner's whims. It is more about the relationship than the working/not working position of the mother.

I think a lot depends on how you view childcare. If you see it as purely a cost then you probably will view it as lining someone's else's pocket. I don't however take this view. I pay a lot each month for my children's childcare. In return it provides me with the following benefits:

• it allows me to go to work (which I enjoy). Personally I love the stimulation, and I do take comfort in the fact that I could provide for my DCs if anything happened to my DH.
• it allow my DCs to develop by mixing with our children.
• it enables my DCs to do activities which I may not be able to do.
• it has provided me with a support element. I value my nursery manager's advice and that of the other nursery nurses. I appreciate what they have (are) doing for my DCs.

No anna, I didnt say 3 hours chopping veg, I said some evenings, preparing, enjoying and clearing away, while pottering about and chatting about life/the universe/our day at school/work can take up to 3 hours. Sorry that sounds deadly dull to you. I enjoy being with my family.
If you are so happy with your position, why put a spin on what anyone who contradicts it says?!!
Posie - parents cuddle and kiss their children whether they work or not! I agree, no one cuddles quite like mummy. Or daddy.
It really is hilarious - you say on the one hand that life as a SAHM is absolutely blissful and wonderful, yet on the other hand, WOHP just do dull and boring things with their kids! Highly logical!!

Well HMC I sort of thought you proved my point by saying

"In my case I have never really been driven by a career"

Perhaps driven is the key to my argument - driven people tend to be successful in their careers and less prone to giving them up.

So do I want to give up my career? Not really. I mean sometimes I think it might be nice - usually when I am triple booked and there never are enough hours in the day - but staying at home? Nah. It's for the birds.

findtheriver, Are you addressing me about what people do with their children?
What I mean about cuddles is if a child falls then being with Mummy or Daddy gives them the best cuddles, actually for most children under six research says that Mummy is better than Daddy for comfort (this doesnot allow for the way we socialise our men and so i am prepared to say mummy or daddy).

Fab post Quattro

Posie - what would you do if you DH left you or you wanted to leave him?

(Really sorry to ask such a horrid question but it is possible in all sorts of scenarios)

ROFL I've heard it all now!!
'actually for most children under six research says that Mummy is better than Daddy for comfort'.
Keep reading the text books posie, that's how you become a good parent.

I would have enough money to survive and my parents would give me a house (although I would also be entitled to the one I live in. I have enough skills to make money with projects I have started. What would anyone do?

Do you not read, findtheriver? How would you know that my research hasn't come from the years I spent working with the JRF?

You know I've had this growing feeling that I've met posieparker before.....
SAHM, nice big house, daddy working a nice short day just along the road, earning enough for private school and lots of nice holidays. Mummy has a special magic card that buys everything and she never has to pay for it!! And daddy does bath time every night and takes the kiddies to the zoo on a Sunday morning if mummy is worn out after her hard week.
..... then it dawned on me... she's the mummy from the Janet and John books!!

Posieparker do you not realise how funny your statements are? On the plus side at least you're adding a bit of light relief to the thread!

Well - there you go - you have the circumstances to still have independence which is probably why it works for you all.

It worries me when women get in situations where they are reliant totally on their DH's and have no way of supporting themselves or their families if required. Obviously not you ! And you would probably feel differently if you did not have a back up.

I'm a little too young for Janet and John, perhaps that is why we differ as I am young enough to continue with my career and to have this break, perhaps you taking a break would have meant you were too far from your peak for anyone to employ you?

No posie, I cut back and worked part time/flexibly/combination of both with DH when my children were preschool, keeping my hand in to achieve the position I'm in now. Best of both!!

I am so jealous, I wish I could put my children in a nursery and feel very guilty about it just to be like you. I am happy and have no fear about missing out on my career, can you not just accpet that?
I haven't protested with how awful childcare is, how easy it is to be a CM with no checks, how some nurseries have been closed down and produced some of the biggest (yet untold to protect the WOHP) child abuse stories in southern England, I haven't said that WOHP are doing anything but their very best and should just accept that it's none of their business how I care for my children.

Putting people's difference of opinions aside if a SAHM is solely dependent on their DH for their income please look into taking out life assurance and the other forms of protection (e.g. accident, sickness, critical illness, redundancy - for your DH), if you haven't already done so. Protection doesn't always cost a lot and can provide a huge piece of mind. (The same can obviously apply to WOHM since they will still have their protection needs).

I have never felt like a child or a possession just because I am a SAHM - why would I? What strange preconcieved ideas of other people's relationships some people have. I didn't give up without talking to DH first. He was happy for me to do it too - he didn't want the children looked after by somebody else either.

What would I do if he left me? Get a job! I don't need to get one now on the off chance that he may or not leave.

Besides which I have more savings than he does so I am perfectly capable of supporting myself for quite a few months.

I agree with Posie, there are a lot of women on MN who work and still do all the housework and have responsibility for the childcare. They are just as child-like and they are being treated as servants. Whether you have paid employment is neither here nor there. It is to do with the state of your relationship.

I suppose I am not particularly materialistic. My self esteem is not tied up with what I earn and what I own. You can do worthwhile things without actually being paid for them.

Niecie, lovely.

It's ok everyone- after that last post it's clear posie is a troll!
Pity really.... it was quite amusing thinking there was a reincarnation from Janet and John out there.

posie, you never struck me as a nutter before.

I am mystified as to why posie thinks that wohps feel guilty about using childcare - what evidence is there of that? I don't feel guilty at all.

NO, Quattro funnily enough I do not think that I speak for everyone, that I am the voice of all fucking women. I WOULD FEEL GUILTY IF I LEFT MY CHILDREN.