Friend pressuring me to have a baby

[Inthedark1]

Myself and DH have decided not to have kids. I have always been somewhat unsure and took a while to make a decision whereas he has been very sure. As I've grown older I've actually became more sure of I don't want them either - I grew up in a single parent home that struggled to make ends meet, I have never had a relationship with my father and was sexually abused by the main father type figure I had as a young teen.

I was away with a group of friends a few weeks ago and conversation somehow got on to this subject after a few drinks. They all have young kids and I felt pressured to go into the details I mentioned above as to why I don't want them and they didn't seem to think these were good reasons not to have kids. They all seem to think I'd be a great mother and that I am just against kids because DH is, it now has me doubting myself again. One of them has even followed up by text to try and discuss it again this week. Do these sound like valid reasons to make the decision to not want to have kids?! If so how would you respond to this sort of pressure?

Don’t give in to any pressure. Tell them you are uncomfortable with the pressure they are putting on you and that this is a topic you want them to refrain from.

If they know your DH is not wanting a child - they could be trying to break you two up.

I was a fence sitter too in my late 20’s and early 30’s. If I’d got pregnant with my then husband then I would have been ok with it, but I was equally ok when he heard that he had zero sperm count and so it just wasn’t possible.
we split up when I was 34 and I’ve not had a long term relationship since that’s been stable enough to consider kids.
my ex husband said he wanted kids but I was never convinced and if we’d had them he would have been pretty crap as a father, but who knows really. For me now the life with husband and kids is the sliding door moment. On balance, at nearly 51, I’m relieved I didn’t have kids with him. However, if I was married to a nicer person then I think I could have been ok as a mother.
But that wasn’t my life and in the one I’m living, having been married to the man I was, I’m happy with my life without children and am getting intolerant of them too.

Do you think anybody is ever totally utterly sure about the big life choices they make?

👏 OP here's a meme for next time your "friends" harp on about how "wonderful" their lives are:

You don't want children. That is a perfectly valid reason, and you don't need to justify yourself.
Have you noticed, people are never asked why they do have children? It's very unfair, and I bet many of them couldn't come up with a good reason.
If your idiot friends persistent, just tell them to stop interfering in your perfectly happy life.

If I had £5 for everyone who told me ‘Love will come with the baby’ when I told them I didn’t want children, I’d have a second home somewhere in the sun.

I have never regretted not having children. We went Private for OH’s snip back in the dark ages. The surgeon asked me why I didn’t want children and I told him because I was too selfish. He roared with laughter and told me it was the most honest answer he’d ever had.

Best £25 we ever spent. 😊

Having children or not, is a very personal decision. Your friend's should mind their own business. They're entitled to their opinion, but they shouldn't be pressuring you at all. As long as you are 100% sure you don't want children, the reasons behind it are irrelevant, and your partner feels the same, then that's all that counts. It seems to me that your friends perhaps feel you don't want children because your partner doesn't, and you don't want to lose him, so are just going along with his wishes. Is there any truth in that? Deep down you will know if there's any truth in that or not. In which case you need to be honest with yourself.

You need better friends.
Your decision is your decision.
The absolute cheek of a text.
You are worthy and valid without a child.

One of my friend’s once told me she’d been called a selfish bitch for not wanting to have children.
i just don’t understand that mentality at all. I find it far more selfish to bring kids into this world when you don’t actually want them than to make the grown up decision that you don’t want them.

I have a couple of friends who seemed to have had kids because they seemed to be the next designer accessory on the list. Once they had them they realised that actually they interfered with their lifestyle and the kids were basically brought up by their grandparents rather than their parents. I find this far more selfish than deciding that having kids is not for you.

You don't need to be 100% sure of anything - including whether to have/not have kids.
You just need to be certain of the % you can live with.

Weird friends you have that cannot understand that you don't want to bring children into this world.

None of their fucking business anyway!

You do you OP.

Time to make some friends who also dont want/havent got kids!

It’s none of their business. Your reasons are valid for not wanting them - doesn’t matter what they are.

Can you imagine if the roles were reversed and you were trying to persuade someone not to have them?

just say it’s not up for discussion!

It your decision not to have kid's and your husband feels the same way. I think that you thought about having kids unlike a lot of people. You have your reasons for nothing having kids and your decision is as valid as the woman who wants children.
Why bring a child into the world unless it something you really want to do, you can support them and are willing to accept that it a major change in your life.

I have a friend who always wanted to get married and have a family. Both her and her husband waited to set themselves up financially before trying for a family. She had her kids via IVF. She said the first few months after her 1st child was born was hard going. This was from a woman who wanted kids for years.

To me kids deserve parents who both want them and not parents who will resent them. Don't listen to friends telling you to have a child or get pregnant by accident when you don't want this. I have a feeling that some of your so called friends resent the life you have now when they are stuck at home with babies or toddlers.

The decision to have, or not have, children rests solely with you and your DH and any reasons you have are valid. It has nothing whatsoever to do with any "friend". I chose not to have children and not one person, family or friend, has ever made any comment to me.

Anyone who carried on like that to me would soon be politely told to mind their own business!

I'm 41, have been with DH for 20 years and we've never wanted kids.

We've pretty much been left alone on that issue, mainly because we don't give it air time.

We've only been given shit by one friend, who went on and on and on at us about how we must have kids. She once "promised" my very broody MIL that I'd have kids by the age of 34 (some arbitrary figure she came up with). MIL relayed this information to me and I was fucking FUMING!

Well, she got divorced when her child was only a year old, so she was very much projecting at that time and didnt have a happy home life or positive experience of motherhood (and certainly not one Id want to emulate)!! Now many years later (the child is 14), and she's bumbled along since, with her life never quite looking how she hoped it would.
Meanwhile, DH and I are still together, 2 decades on, and love our life.

Stick to your guns OP!

Well no, but there are a lot of stories on about women not having kids in order to stay in a relationship because their male partner does not want them. I can see how her friends might think this is what has happened for OP, and if I thought this was happening for a friend, I would want to give her a chance to talk about it.

Parenting is hard, you have money, freedom and sleep. They want you to validate their life choices by going along with them.
Don’t

Do you need valid reasons? Do people need to agree with your reasons? All no. If your friends can’t support your decision then they’re not your friends.

You don’t need I reason to not want kids . It is hard to tell if your friends are genuinely concerned that you have made the right discussion for you . Or if they think you are trying to keep your husband happy . Or if they are just being mean and judging you because you don’t want kids . Only you can judge that .

They have clearly all been talking about this behind your back OP in a seperate whatsapp group under the guise of concern - waiting to pounce with a drink in them.

IMO if people do not have children there are two reasons

1. they cannot biologically have them
2. they do not want them neither of which deserve an explanation and neither of which are any of my business

I made a consious decision in my 20s to never ask a woman why they do not have children - going through my own fertility journey I actually quite enjoyed the jaw drop when asked ‘why I did not have kids’ - I responded I had a miscarriage yesterday. The jaw drop

I think they project their own assumptions that everyone wants kids like them, its not true. And its none of their business. Love the idea of the follow up chat from them to formalise the convo.

In all honesty I have been in friend groups like this and forever thankful I ghosted them 😀

Love this response!

I was never sure my DH didn’t really want more as he has a son already and was worried how it would affect him, but would have capitulated had it been important to me.

I’ve chosen not to have children. I love my step son, but it grants me the freedom to see that raising kids in the world today is bloody hard work and that many a person has them because they want them/feel they should have them without fully understanding the commitment, dedication and sacrifice required to actually raise them, particularly in today’s world.

I would just tell them I don't want to discuss my reasons for not wanting kids and change the subject. You don't need to share details of your past trauma with friends unless it's something you want to do, they shouldn't be pressuring you.

A valid enough reason for not wanting kids, is simply you don't want them. They're probably right that you would be a good mother, but you don't have to be unless it's something you want to do.

If you are having doubts about your decision, you may be better speaking with a counsellor to gain a more balanced perspective, as it sounds like your friends are all very pro children, so any conversation is always going to be lead in that direction.

Lots of responses on here getting defensive on your behalf.

They may be right but before you jump down that road, ask yourself are your friends good friends, do you think they're coming from a good place?

The responses on here are absolutely right that a baby is your choice and you don't have to defend or explain yourself. But the reasons you've given for not wanting a child are trauma-based, and because your DH doesn't want them. Maybe your friends are concerned that you might want a baby deep down and you are facing barriers to having children rather than not wanting them. Perhaps they just want to make sure you're putting your needs first and are ok.

Of course, you have every right to close this down and say you appreciate their concern but you're happy with your decision. There are lots of benefits to not having kids too, just make sure you're happy for yourself in that decision and perhaps look to process and deal with your past trauma.

This is a discussion forum. Wind your neck in.