Friend pressuring me to have a baby

[Inthedark1]

Myself and DH have decided not to have kids. I have always been somewhat unsure and took a while to make a decision whereas he has been very sure. As I've grown older I've actually became more sure of I don't want them either - I grew up in a single parent home that struggled to make ends meet, I have never had a relationship with my father and was sexually abused by the main father type figure I had as a young teen.

I was away with a group of friends a few weeks ago and conversation somehow got on to this subject after a few drinks. They all have young kids and I felt pressured to go into the details I mentioned above as to why I don't want them and they didn't seem to think these were good reasons not to have kids. They all seem to think I'd be a great mother and that I am just against kids because DH is, it now has me doubting myself again. One of them has even followed up by text to try and discuss it again this week. Do these sound like valid reasons to make the decision to not want to have kids?! If so how would you respond to this sort of pressure?

If your DH doesn't want kids then it doesn't really matter whether you do if you are going to stay together, as the one who doesn't want them should trump the one who does. Never bring a child into a relationship when one parent doesn't want them. So no-one should be pressuring you as your DH doesn't want them anyway. But if you don't want a child your reason for that is valid whatever it is.

I’ve been the friend without children (before my baby obviously) sitting though conversations about pregnancy/babies and I think part of it is that it’s all consuming. I have three month old and my whole life for the last three months has been caring for him. That’s why people should only have children if they really want to, and weird friends should stay out of reproductive choices that aren’t theirs. I wouldn’t mean to make anyone feel like their life was less for not having children, but my what have you been up to small talk is all about the baby at the moment.

Massively out of order for your friends to do that, I’d be rethinking those friendships. However, I do know women who have been convinced by partners who didn’t want kids that they didn’t want them either (I was nearly one of them), only to really regret it later on. Absolutely fine to not want kids, I have friends who made that decision for themselves before meeting their partner, and it was a key thing they felt needed to be agreed on at the beginning of any relationship. But you say you weren’t sure to start with, and are now having doubts again. You need to figure out what you want, without any regard for anyone else’s opinion on the matter.

I can understand how a conversation came about and that they said you’d be a good mum (if you chose to have kids) I think that’s all ok and normal assuming you were ok to talk about it but the one following up via a text and wanting to talk about it more is completely overstepping. I can’t imagine why she is doing that or why she isn’t busy enough with her own life to even give it more thought!

I was going to say so your friend thinks you should take her advice, divorce your DH and find someone who wants DC but it's worse than that, she thinks you should get pregnant against his will, and all this when you don't want a baby in the first place. You need better friends Op, much better friends

Wow, your friends are overstepping MASSIVELY there! A valid reason for not wanting children is simply “I don’t want them” you shouldn’t feel like you have to explain yourself!

FWIW, my friendship group is the opposite way around, I’m the only one with a child and they all have very fulfilling lives. One of them asked me my honest opinion on it as she was on the fence and I explained it all - both good and bad. It’s not for everyone and that’s ok. What’s not ok is having a child when it’s not for you!

Tell her there's more than enough humans on the planet without you adding to the population and its weird as fuck she thinks its any of her business what you do

Also - just to add to my previous post, I love my son dearly and he is an angel. But I don’t find motherhood ‘fulfilling’ as such. It doesn’t define me in that way. I’m a good mum and he’s a lovely boy but I have a life outside of him, y’know? That’s not to say I regret having him - I don’t one bit.
But I have to say hand on heart I have no idea how people cope with more than one or children with special needs etc. massive hats off to them.

Any reason to not have kids is a valid one. You have to understand that a lot of people are NPCs who just do what they see others doing, so when someone makes different choices, they start questioning their own. Ignore it

If you don't want to have kids, you don't want to have kids. Don't let others tell you what do you want.

I honestly don’t want my friends to have children. I have a friend with kids and it’s completely changed our relationship, so I don’t want to lose any other friends to kids.

but I would never talk to them and say “you shouldn’t have kids” and spend all day telling him the downsides to having children.

each to their own.

“OMG are you serious? You actually think it’s ok to insist on us having a conversation for your own benefit about the most personal decision a person can make?! You have massively overstepped boundaries here, you are making yourself look unhinged and batshit expecting everyone to live their lives in the way you dictate”

That is the message I would be sorely tempted to send!

I would probably actually say “ Please respect my privacy and my right to decide personal matters for myself “

Tell your “friend” to back off. She is badly overstepping.

Only you know how you really feel about not having children.
If you are second guessing yourself, you need to question whether it’s because you aren’t being honest with yourself about it.
If you are being honest with yourself, then it really is none of your friends’ business, and you should tell them to back off.

Your reasons are a little unusual though. Lots of women go through similar trauma but still happily become mothers themselves, determined to do better for their own kids.

I don’t think it’s true to say that people who want kids would never accept any reason as valid not to have them?

Everybody is different. If you’re a mature person you ought to know that people want different things. It’s possible your friends remember a time that you wanted them and your DH didn’t, and they’re concerned that you’ve been sort of pushed into letting that dream go. I know someone this has happened to.

Only you know whether that is genuinely the case for you. If it isn’t, and you truly have changed your mind based on your own reasons then those reasons (whatever they are!) are valid. Even just “I’d rather not,” is fine. However, your statement that their questioning always makes you doubt your own mind is quite concerning.

If you are this easily influenced by the odd conversation with your friends, are you sure you haven’t been influenced by your DH? Try to really feel your own feelings. If your DH died or left you and you met someone else who wanted kids, how would you feel? Is it you that doesn’t want them, or is it you in this relationship that doesn’t see it as worth the fight? Obviously there is no convincing your DH, and you should absolutely not follow your friend’s advice to trap him into fathering your child, but if you really want kids and you are only agreeing with your DH for an easier life then that would be quite a shame and could lead to resentment later on if you realised it was too late and decided to blame him for your choice to stay.

It’s worth looking honestly at yourself anyway. And I have friends who never had kids who are completely happy with that decision - this is not at all a post to say “go, on have them,” lol.

They're all out of line. The one who is trying to follow up by text the friend's insistence that you have children is so far out of her lane that she's in a whole other country. The one who told you to have a baby whether your husband wants one or not, she's toxic. I would block, this is not healthy.

They're looking at using your life to validate their life choices. They're not supportive of you making different choices. They want everyone in lockstep and your "friendships" won't survive you deciding differently.

Your friends are nosy interfering buggers. They have no idea that people want different things in life, which don't revolve around kids , how sad to be that blinkered.

The one who texted about talking about it next week is nosy and overstepping and should be firmly told to mind her own business and concentrate on her own life, which is lacking as she is so interested in yours.

Your friend has no right to follow up with a text to ‘discuss it’. Maybe you should respond that you’ll only discuss your reasons for NOT having kids if the second topic on the agenda is her reasons for HAVING kids. Make her feel really uncomfortable 😂

Nailed it!

I was prepared to tell you that your friends need to mind their own business. However, it sounds like they might think that you’re mindlessly following the choices of your DH and making silly excuses to justify the decision. They sound worried more than interfering. If you’re absolutely sure you don’t want children and have not been influenced by your DH, then just be firm that there’s no further discussion needed.

@Inthedark1 it sounds like in a perverse kind of way they’re just trying to validate their own choices to be parents as that’s very odd - especially with the follow up messages.

You and your DH are the ONLY ones who need to decide on whether to be childfree or not. This person is not a friend, but very rude and judgemental to text you are all that. Text her there is no further discussion on this topic, you are not talking about it again and it is end of topic. I think some people either regret it or want others to have kids to just go through parenthood then would expect you to do playdates, look after their child a lot. I am childfree for various reasons and had 1 person, who is my cousin's wife, ask why. She has 4 kids by 3 men though. It was none of her business like it was not mine she has 3 fathers to her brood. Honestly, your friend is not much of a friend to speak to you this way and don't let her pressure you and that is a terrible idea of hers! Just cut her off about it in a text and cut her off if she tries to say anything again.

I would say that your decision to not have children has no bearing on the idea that you would or wouldn't be a good parent. Making the decision not to have kids when you know it isn't the right thing already makes you a good parent in a way because you know regret from having them may have a negative impact of children you may have.

I wonder if your friends are perhaps a bit jealous of your lifestyle. Not all the time don't get me wrong, I'm not saying they regret having kids. But I think sometimes if we have friends or family members who's life seems much simpler we can yearn for it when things are difficult. This can translate into subconsciously encouraging you to become one of them. I've seen others talk about it online too.

The other thing which is probably a bigger part is fear on your behalf of missing out on something. I would say next time the conversation comes up you thank them for concern, say that you don't worry about being a good parent, rather you and your partner have made a decision on what's best for you and it's not a topic you'd like to revisit or delve into. If they're really good friends I'd even say it's hurtful the way they approach it and ask them not to do so again.

@crumblingschools

"If your DH doesn't want kids then it doesn't really matter whether you do if you are going to stay together, as the one who doesn't want them should trump the one who does"

Wow! that shocked me.

Them criticising your decision is bad enough but to say they’ll “pick this up with you” like you’re on a disciplinary is so awful it’s laughable.

I’ve long since said there’s generally three reasons why people criticise the voluntarily child-free: 1) they love parenthood so much they think you’re mad to miss out, 2) they think it’s just what you do and have never considered any other option or 3) they don’t enjoy parenthood/didn’t want kids but did it anyway, and don’t like seeing you have the life they quietly wish they still had. If they didn’t dodge the bullet why should you?

And absolutely none of those points is an acceptable reason for them not to keep their opinions and lack of respect to themselves.