Friend pressuring me to have a baby

[Inthedark1]

Myself and DH have decided not to have kids. I have always been somewhat unsure and took a while to make a decision whereas he has been very sure. As I've grown older I've actually became more sure of I don't want them either - I grew up in a single parent home that struggled to make ends meet, I have never had a relationship with my father and was sexually abused by the main father type figure I had as a young teen.

I was away with a group of friends a few weeks ago and conversation somehow got on to this subject after a few drinks. They all have young kids and I felt pressured to go into the details I mentioned above as to why I don't want them and they didn't seem to think these were good reasons not to have kids. They all seem to think I'd be a great mother and that I am just against kids because DH is, it now has me doubting myself again. One of them has even followed up by text to try and discuss it again this week. Do these sound like valid reasons to make the decision to not want to have kids?! If so how would you respond to this sort of pressure?

"Thanks for your concern about my bodily autonomy, but I'm more than capable of making my own decision that I don't wish to grow a small human."

Is this something you’d feel comfortable exploring through therapy - because you are struggling to separate what you want from what your DH would prefer and what your friend thinks, that’s a lot of noise and a therapist may be able to help you find and listen to your own voice on this. Failing that I would try to get some space like a quiet weekend; spend time on your own, no whatsapp chats with pals and tune into your own feelings about it. I think your friends sound concerned rather than putting you under pressure and would aim to get to a point where you feel sure enough of your decision that it doesn’t bother you if people try to persuade you either way if you know what I mean?

Without knowing all the details, your friends may partly be wanting to say you from any regrets, but they have totally gone too far.

If you are genuinely I doubt, have you tried asking yourself how you’d feel if in ten years or so your DH has left or (apologies for this hypothetical) died, and you are facing a future without him? Could you imagine as you go through rest of your life feeling regret?

I think most women who want to have kids, know they want that. Most who look at a child free future and feel fine with it, are fine with it. I am sure some cases are more nuanced though.

One other possibility….could it be your friends really feel your DH is not a good man and are trying to use this issue to encourage you to leave?

Your friend is very rude. It is none of her business.

Haven’t RTFT so someone else has probably said this already, but if anyone were to ever say to me that I’d regret not having children, I would tell them that I’d rather regret not having them, than regret having them.

I always wanted at least 2; married later in life and struggled with infertility. I have embryos left (IVF) and recently wondered if it's for the best we don't have children for a number of reasons:

• the world we live in today (trans/non-binary rubbish)
• the growing cases of SEN children
• the behaviours and dress sense of young teenagers (and schools/parents who can't exerise control over this)
• the influence of social media on young minds

Obviously, these are my personal reasons. Feel free to steal them to argue your case!

I wonder @Inthedark1 if it's because your of your age, a lot of women who want DC start to worry about fertility declining in their 30s so your friend thinks it's now or never. Either way it's not her job to nag you about this so I'd decline the second talk unless you're having doubts of your own rather than the ones she's trying to push on you

I share your concerns. Also, I worry about my hypothetical child not having much family, as me and my partner are both only children. It's so difficult not knowing what to do for the best.

I also worry about the financial future - do I really want to inflict life on a poor soul who might have to work into their 70s.

I say this as someone who was happily childfree till 40, with a partner who was equally committed to not having children, OP, so don’t think I’m coming out with the frankly insulting ‘not having children is weird/selfish’, ‘you’ll be lonely when you’re old’ stuff I got from parents from time to time. (Though never from actual friends.)

But what strikes me in your posts is that these are not dimwitted randoms at all party, but friends who presumably know and love you, AND, more importantly, that you say that these conversations have often made you doubt your decision, AND that you acknowledge yourself that you would be open to children in another relationship. Other people’s opinions never made me doubt my position.

I’m not saying there’s anything you necessarily need to do here, as, as pps have said, you won’t be having children anyway, in this relationship, as your DH doesn’t want them. Just maybe think about whether this decision is absolutely your own decision that you’re happy with.

If that is the case, own it, and tell your friends to kindly fuck off.

We don’t know these people, OP. Only you can tell whether these are nosy, interfering comments from the school of ‘Only selfish weirdos don’t have children by choice’ or whether these are concerned, perceptive friends who see that you’re not in fact certain this is what you want and are being a bit tactless and boundary-disrespecting in their way of approaching it.

Ultimately, you know you own mind best. Obviously.

Also, as a longtime childfree person with a longtime childfree partner, who eventually had a child together (now a teenager), the decision to ttc was very much a joint one, and while we’re delighted to have had our DS, I’m certain we would have had an equally, differently happy life had we not had him.

• the growing cases of SEN children

what do you mean by this? that you're worried your potential child will have SEN or that they'll have to be at school with SEN kids?

Your reasons are a little unusual though.

OP's reasons are her reasons and not for you, her friend or anyone else to judge.

There are really good reasons to have children...
and really good reasons not to.

You don't want children now.
Looking ahead into a future without children - how does that seem to you?

In the end your decision is not really about reason - but about how you (and your DH) feel. No-one can do that part for you. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

Your friend is rude.
I've had similar thoughts about a child free friend - she is amazing with kids and I don't really understand why she doesn't want them, but I would NEVER say that to her.

She's amazing because they're not her daily routine and she can give them back.

People often say I'm good with young children, patient. Yes, friends children when they visit. I'd rather walk on hot coal than have a young child in the home again.

Those days were tough.

Relating well to children and raising them is very different.

Having kids is hard, and a lot of it is a bit shit. Cooking, cleaning, washing, life admin, discussions about minecraft, school lunches, kids parties, soft play, more discussions about minecraft - none of that is enjoyable.

Im someone who always wanted kids and although the day-to-day drudge of looking after kids is a bit shit, having them has filled a deep need in me and I feel overall more satisfied and content.

Which is a long winded way of saying that if you don’t want them, don’t have them!

You don’t have to explain anything to anyone
it is yours and your husband’s decision which you both totally agree with
my DD has 2 boys
my DS loves them but does not want any of his own . It’s their decision and I respect it
your ‘friend’ can bugger off

You don't need any reasons, you just need to do what you want to do, and you definitely don't need to justify your decisions to your friends!

I would speak to someone impartial. Maybe some therapy. And talk about your reasons. Kids are definitely not for everyone .
But I would also be aware that if your dh changes his mind in the future he can have kids with someone younger. But you only have a small amount of time to decide.

Imagine if you turned this conversation around and told your friend that she made a mistake having children, that she's really not cut out to be a mother!

Thing is, this is probably why they're doing it. To some stupid people, the mere existence of someone happily living their best 'alternative' life, can be interpreted as a criticism of their own choices. More likely to happen if they're unhappy with motherhood themselves, deep down.

(putting 'alternative' in quote marks as it's obviously an absolutely reasonable choice to remain child free)

Some people with children think that they are better than people who don't have kids. They say things like 'I didn't know what true love was until I had a baby' and 'people who don't want children are so selfish'.They want their choices to be validated so will pressurise friends who decide that they don't want kids. They are OK with people who want kids and can't have them. They can feel sorry for them because they want what these mums have and they can be patronisingly kind.

I’m sixty something and I tell you now it’s fine to not want children because…you don’t want to. You don’t have to give reasons and whatever they are, your friends should respect them. My son got married last year and I’ve had a couple of comments about grandchildren from colleagues but I wouldn’t dream of asking their plans regarding children or commenting at all. If they tell me their plans, that’s great but if they want privacy then that’s great too. Your friends should respect that. It’s one thing to tell someone they’d be a great mother-nice compliment-but quite another to follow that up by dismissing your desire to not have them.

I recently saw a video of a person who tells people they promised their firstborn to any number of unsavory demonic entities as the reason and that usually gets people to quit asking questions.

but but the OP shouldn't have to argue her case "STFU about my choices" is all the case she needs to make.

and again we need the laugh emoji