Friend pressuring me to have a baby

[Inthedark1]

Myself and DH have decided not to have kids. I have always been somewhat unsure and took a while to make a decision whereas he has been very sure. As I've grown older I've actually became more sure of I don't want them either - I grew up in a single parent home that struggled to make ends meet, I have never had a relationship with my father and was sexually abused by the main father type figure I had as a young teen.

I was away with a group of friends a few weeks ago and conversation somehow got on to this subject after a few drinks. They all have young kids and I felt pressured to go into the details I mentioned above as to why I don't want them and they didn't seem to think these were good reasons not to have kids. They all seem to think I'd be a great mother and that I am just against kids because DH is, it now has me doubting myself again. One of them has even followed up by text to try and discuss it again this week. Do these sound like valid reasons to make the decision to not want to have kids?! If so how would you respond to this sort of pressure?

Your friend wants to wreck your marriage and see you with a screaming toddler, same as her. It's jealousy or low IQ and narrow horizons - or probably all three.

You don't have to justify yourself or your life choices to anyone.
If the pressure continues just tell them you 'can't' have children, how they interpret that is up to them, however, quite why a group of friends would behave in this way is beyond me.

yup this is me. No kids (and it was circumstance not choice) but kids seem to be okay with me. Don't EVER tell the parents but its because I treat them like puppies, stay calm and relaxed, let them make the first move, totally ignore the shy ones, either they will come to me or they won't. I never minded that we never had kids. Looking back i would deffo not have been a great mum.

Have you actually said that YOU don't want children or do you phrase it like "I'm not too sure but with Leon never wanting them anyway, it's a moot point, isn't it?" -Sad pause.- Because, telling me you don't want children would be the end of the conversation but telling me that you are kind of thinking about it but can't talk to Leon because he won't discuss it anyway, I will absolutely talk to you about it, esp if I think Leon is a manipulative wanker at the best of times. Out of interest, how often do you do things or not do things because DH is being decisive about them? I'm not talking coercive control but more subtle take overs in life? Your sentence about not quite knowing your wants from your DH's wants is making me wonder.

Nobody who genuinely loves and values you would try to bounce you into a decision against your better judgement, let alone one as important as parenthood. Or non-parenthood for that matter - it's also a decision in its own right with negative and positive implications for your future.

I'm 60-something and childfree by choice. In my late 20s/early 30s, I realised something very important. I loved babies and thought I could be a capable and loving mother...to a baby. But I recoiled from the idea of parenting a child once they approached the life-stages where I remembered myself at my worst; from 9 or so till I was well into my teens, I was a miserable little introvert, prey to bullying, early puberty and so much self-hatred I could hardly look in the mirror. Why would I bring someone else into the world to go through that?

So I didn't and I have no regrets. My DH would have been a lovely Dad, but he remembers much of his childhood without a lot of pleasure and says he only really wanted me, whatever the terms. Once you decide children aren't for you, your options as to what you'll do instead begin to open up, if they haven't already. Wishing you the very best.

Any self-respecting unsavoury demonic entity would promptly hand my 13 year old back.

Probably saying ‘I only accept human sacrifices if they don’t stink of Lynx Africa and are less gobby.’

Ime people who do this are simply looking for you to validate their life choices no matter how hard things may be for them. If "everyone" is doing it then them doing it is normal and accepted and right. You not doing it suggests that their decision might be wrong and they dont like that.

Its has nothing at all to do with you, but everything to do with them.

Tell your friends to piss clean off. I had 6 rounds of IVF to get my son. He was everything that we wanted. We had so much support from our families whilst we were trying. My sister on the other hand (now 47) and her husband didn’t ever want children and they have received the same support in return.

Your DH definitely doesn't want them, so assuming you don't want to divorce him then your friends wanting to change your mind seems pointless and cruel really. If they succeeded and you suddenly decided you desperately wanted kids how would that help you and your DH?!

It's not their business. I'd tell them that.

Tell them to back off on this subject.

Its not their descision to make.

They get absolutely no say in your life decisions. Shame on them for pressuring you. I would say exactly that back to that person's follow up text. To be honest, they don't sound like supportive friends at all. They can of course have their opinions but pressuring you to follow what they think is outrageous.

I was always fairly sure I didn’t want kids. Hubs was ambivalent
His friends pressured him and he pressured me
My DD is nearly 12 and while I love her to bits, I really wish I’d walked away 13 years ago in some ways…

People try to convince others to have a similar lifestyle as a means to validate their own life choices. You don’t owe anyone a baby, and it sounds like you made the right decision for you.

Exactly this.

Unless someone is helping you raise the baby, they have no input.
When I don't want to give people answers, I twist it into something so weird that they aren't invested in the actual answer by the end.

Don't get me wrong, there are huge pros to having babies but it is a lot of responsibility. So isn't a light decision to make. Do what fits your life best.

Having kids is. A lifestyle choice so don't feel bad it your decision and your choice not your friends Ur friend will not be bringing up the kid she wants you to have u will so there fore Ur friend gets no say in your lifestyle choices

Your friends are out of order, in a big way, BUT you don’t sound sure and it’s a huge thing to regret if you change your mind later on.

You don’t need reasons. You know, that’s all that matters. You shouldn’t have to justify ‘valid reasons’ to friends!!

I have a friend who has always said she doesn’t want kids. She’s an amazing auntie to my kids but she has never had to justify herself to any of why she doesn’t went to be a mother 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m going to go against the grain and suggest maybe your fiends know you well and that you are making this decision because of your DP not because you are sure. The fact that this conversation can rattle you and make you doubt your decision suggests you’re not actually sure. Maybe your friends are worried because they know you and that you did envisage a life with kids before DP said no. Perhaps they think he’s wasting your fertile years and then will swan off (as many men do) and have kids with someone else if he pleases, but you will be left alone.

if you are sure then great, don’t have kids, But, be confident in your decision and don’t let conversations like this rattle you if you really are sure.

She wants you to get pregnant without your husbands consent ? Is she going to raise this kid when your husband divorces you ?
If its raised again ask them why they had children and respond to every answer with that's not a good enough reason .

How odd! I have a DS but not my business whatsoever whether my friends have them i find it incredibly strange why she would be so bothered by this

Rise above this! I had this when I was younger from ‘friends’. Now their kids are teenagers (and most of them are a still a complete handful/stress) almost all have admitted (proactively) that they wouldn’t have kids if they had their time again.
it’s almost like they felt if they were going through the horror so should I and it wasn’t fair I was living a happy carefree life!

I think some people find parenthood really fulfilling and meaningful, they can't imagine how someone would want to miss out. But some people find mountain climbing fulfilling, it doesn't mean everyone wants to climb mountains. This key point - that parenthood is just another albeit very significant activity which will suit some and not others - seems to get lost sometimes.

Ignore them. I'm child free by choice. It sounds like that now that the kids are here, they've realised how hard and thankless motherhood is and are therefore projecting their insecurities (and maybe regrets) onto you. They want you to be in the same boat as them to make themselves feel better and are probably jealous of your peaceful life whilst their lives are nothing but nappies, crying babies/young children, nursery and stress. Stand firm.

I have worked with children my entire adult life and love my nephews more than anything in the world, they could move in with me tomorrow if they wanted. But I don't want my own. For SO MANY reasons. Obviously working in childcare, nobody really 'gets' it as most of the women working there are mums or want to be. But they respect my decision because I'm firm about it and don't leave anyone any suspicion of doubt for them to worm their way in and try to convince me I'm wrong haha.

Yes, I don’t doubt there’s an element of not wanting OP to escape the chains!