Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend pressuring me to have a baby

183 replies

Inthedark1 · 09/07/2025 14:16

Myself and DH have decided not to have kids. I have always been somewhat unsure and took a while to make a decision whereas he has been very sure. As I've grown older I've actually became more sure of I don't want them either - I grew up in a single parent home that struggled to make ends meet, I have never had a relationship with my father and was sexually abused by the main father type figure I had as a young teen.

I was away with a group of friends a few weeks ago and conversation somehow got on to this subject after a few drinks. They all have young kids and I felt pressured to go into the details I mentioned above as to why I don't want them and they didn't seem to think these were good reasons not to have kids. They all seem to think I'd be a great mother and that I am just against kids because DH is, it now has me doubting myself again. One of them has even followed up by text to try and discuss it again this week. Do these sound like valid reasons to make the decision to not want to have kids?! If so how would you respond to this sort of pressure?

OP posts:
MyrtleLion · 09/07/2025 15:48

Turn it back on them. Tell them they only had kids because they were expected to.

Here are my reasons for not wanting and never having children:

  1. Because I didn't want to.
  2. It's none of your damn business.
ladyofshertonabbas · 09/07/2025 15:49

yanbu x

InSpainTheRain · 09/07/2025 15:51

Don't take any pressure from them and don't discuss it with them. Something like "i am sure in my own mind and don't want to discuss it" should do the trick. No one should be pressured about this - it's such a big decision with so many implications.

fthisfthatfeverything · 09/07/2025 15:52

Inthedark1 · 09/07/2025 14:32

Thanks all this has been helpful. There's been a few occasions that I've hung out with them and had the entire conversation be about kids/pregnancy and sometimes made to feel like my life will lack purpose because I won't have kids - maybe not intentionally on some occasions but I've always left their company doubting my decision (the one friend who's text me is the worst one). This is probably the first time there has been a direct conversation about it so think I need to just tell that friend to p*ss off lol!

She’s being a good friend in my opinion!
She senses your doubt and most likely wants to check your not going to have any regrets.
Good for her!
Just Be firm in your decision and she will be happy that you’re going to be happy with your choice!
Easy peasy

Modernme · 09/07/2025 15:53

I never wanted kids my choice.
I have millions of reasons why.

Ministronepls · 09/07/2025 15:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ChateauMargaux · 09/07/2025 15:54

There is only one good reason not to have children: Because you don't want to.

People who need everyone else around them to validate their life choices by following the same path, are likely to be insecure in their own choices.

You could go completely over the top and list all of the reasons why people might think that having children is a bad idea... however, that might end the friendships.

I have three children and was pretty sure, when I got married, that I wanted to have them... but I would be lying if there have been times when I have wondered if it was the right thing to do..

Live your life, love your life, surround yourself with people that you like and that like you, fill your life with things that you enjoy doing. If that does not include spending time with people who undermine you and your happiness.... change something!! I don't think the answer is to have children!!

Ministronepls · 09/07/2025 15:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

KimberleyClark · 09/07/2025 15:57

Swiftie1878 · 09/07/2025 15:08

Only you know how you really feel about not having children.
If you are second guessing yourself, you need to question whether it’s because you aren’t being honest with yourself about it.
If you are being honest with yourself, then it really is none of your friends’ business, and you should tell them to back off.

Your reasons are a little unusual though. Lots of women go through similar trauma but still happily become mothers themselves, determined to do better for their own kids.

Someone else weirdly overinvested in other people having kids. And I’m not sure that “to show I can be a better parent than my parents were” is a brilliant reason for having them.

Ministronepls · 09/07/2025 15:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TigerRag · 09/07/2025 15:59

Find better friends. I've found personally that most people don't care whether you have children or not. Only a few people know why I don't have children.

suki1964 · 09/07/2025 15:59

if its any help to you @Inthedark1 , I could have written that myself 30 years ago

Yeah "friends" all tried to convince me but I had been adamant since I was a teen, I was never having children and spent my fertile years doing my utmost to ensure I didn't

The only time I wavered, was when I was offered a hysterectomy in my early 30's. For years I had been begging for one, then finally my gynaecologist finally said Mirena or Hysterectomy - I chose mirena . I was scared then that I might have a change of mind and then I wouldn't be able to. I kept a mirena in until my 60th - just to make doubly sure :)

Some women know from an early age that motherhood is never going to be for them, and there's a lot of women ( and men ) who think ALL women want a child and cant comprehend. And I think there was a bit of that in me - how can I not want children?

moderationincludingmoderation · 09/07/2025 15:59

If these are close friends you have known most of your life I’d be inclined to think something else is going in order for them to be so pushy and adamant with you.
How well do they know and get along with your DH? Whats your relationship like with him?
The only reason I would ever feel the need to be quite pushy with this like your friends is if ai felt something else was at play and influencing my friend’s decision (assuming I knew in my heart it seemed out of character)

GingerFox2021 · 09/07/2025 16:01

Reading all this, my impression is that you are not sure anymore if you don’t want kids.
Is it a decision not to have kids 100 % yours? Ok your husband is against it, what about you? If you doubt and it’s at the back of your mind, maybe you are not so sure anymore if you don’t want them?

ClimbEveryLadder · 09/07/2025 16:02

Inthedark1 · 09/07/2025 15:23

To be fair there might some validity in that my friends don't trust that it's not been influenced by DH as part of me thinks I would be open to kids if I was with someone who has wanted them (not necessarily that I'd ever be pushing for them, more I think I was on the fence either way).

I am wondering why I'm so influenced by their opinions that I then doubt myself. I do think I have other reasons outside of DH as I'm just really put off that I would have a child who also never had a good male role model but I'm definitely finding their comments making me question my decision a lot too. Although I am obviously not considering making DH have a baby that he doesn't want!!

If you’re unsure you could explore your reasons with a counsellor but I’d caveat it with a question of what would you do if you concluded you’d quite like children? If the answer is you’d stick with your prior agreement and just be sad about it what’s the point?

My best friend would have quite liked children, her DH was consistent from the start that he didn’t and they agreed they wouldn’t have children. What I’ve never done in 40 years is tell my friend she’d make a great mother, or suggest she leave her DH over it or trick him or in anyway make her feel conflicted about her decision. I’ve respected that she thought it through and made her decision.

I always desperately wanted children, for me a potential DH not wanting children was a deal breaker, she’s always respected that I’d thought that through and made my decision.

What’s missing here from your friend is respect that you have come to a different conclusion about what makes your life fulfilled. I’d find different friends, they don’t have to be childless, they do need to accept not everyone needs to have children to be fulfilled.

GreenGully · 09/07/2025 16:04

@Inthedark1 How old are you?

diddl · 09/07/2025 16:05

You do sound unsure but surely the choice was made when you married someone who didn't want kids?

Swiftie1878 · 09/07/2025 16:05

KimberleyClark · 09/07/2025 15:57

Someone else weirdly overinvested in other people having kids. And I’m not sure that “to show I can be a better parent than my parents were” is a brilliant reason for having them.

Show quote history

It’s not the reason, but an ambition when they choose to have them.

And I have no investment in other people having kids or not. Totally their choice.

Jumpingthruhoops · 09/07/2025 16:05

I would respond by saying: 'I'm sorry but the contents of my uterus couldn't be less of your business!'

Honestly, people like this royally piss me off. I remember being interrogated at a party once - for a good 30 minutes - about why I didn't want kids. Left said party feeling like total shit; like I was some sort of freak for choosing to make a different decision to those questioning me.
This was about 10 years ago in my mid-30s. Wish I had the chutzpah then that I have now in my 40s - I'd be telling them to fuck off!

Original poster
Inthedark1 · 09/07/2025 16:12

Lots of replies so struggling to keep up! To give more context I guess is that I am a serious people pleaser so find I'm very easily influenced on things. I have found it hard to separate what I want from what DH wants and part of me has wondered if I am inclined to be against having kids because of him. But by the time we married 2 years ago, I had came to the conclusion above that I didn't feel I wanted to. If that changed then yes I'd need to decide if I value our relationship more than having kids.

Part of the doubts is that I am mid 30s and I feel everywhere I look someone is pregnant so feel very aware that I am going against the grain.
I don't necessarily think my friend is going around it in the right way but maybe there are some good intentions behind it that I hadn't considered

OP posts:
Ministronepls · 09/07/2025 16:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Ministronepls · 09/07/2025 16:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MysteriousUsername · 09/07/2025 16:15

A friend of mine told me when we were teenagers she never wanted kids. That was the only conversation we had about it because it's none of my business whether anyone has kids or not.

I have other friends that don't have kids. I don't know why they don't have kids (choice or not)because it's none of my business.

Just like it's none of your friends business. You've said you don't want them. That should be the end of the conversation.

Aligirlbear · 09/07/2025 16:16

You are under no obligation to explain your decision to your friends and they are totally out of order even asking. If they are unable to accept your decision and want to discuss it further then frankly they are not your friends. Please don’t let their crass behaviour make you question yourself and your joint decision with your DH. - pressure from friends is an unreasonable reason to change your mind over having children. I’d be telling the “friend” who followed up that she has severely overstepped boundaries and you will not be discussing your decision with her or any of your other friends. Your decision to not have children is just as valid as theirs to have children and they are totally out of order in not respecting it.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 09/07/2025 16:16

Inthedark1 · 09/07/2025 16:12

Lots of replies so struggling to keep up! To give more context I guess is that I am a serious people pleaser so find I'm very easily influenced on things. I have found it hard to separate what I want from what DH wants and part of me has wondered if I am inclined to be against having kids because of him. But by the time we married 2 years ago, I had came to the conclusion above that I didn't feel I wanted to. If that changed then yes I'd need to decide if I value our relationship more than having kids.

Part of the doubts is that I am mid 30s and I feel everywhere I look someone is pregnant so feel very aware that I am going against the grain.
I don't necessarily think my friend is going around it in the right way but maybe there are some good intentions behind it that I hadn't considered

I genuinely don’t understand how it’s possible to be a people pleaser to the extent you’re describing here.

I hate to be that commenter, but…therapy? Have you ever considered it? It might be helpful.