Friend pressuring me to have a baby

[Inthedark1]

Myself and DH have decided not to have kids. I have always been somewhat unsure and took a while to make a decision whereas he has been very sure. As I've grown older I've actually became more sure of I don't want them either - I grew up in a single parent home that struggled to make ends meet, I have never had a relationship with my father and was sexually abused by the main father type figure I had as a young teen.

I was away with a group of friends a few weeks ago and conversation somehow got on to this subject after a few drinks. They all have young kids and I felt pressured to go into the details I mentioned above as to why I don't want them and they didn't seem to think these were good reasons not to have kids. They all seem to think I'd be a great mother and that I am just against kids because DH is, it now has me doubting myself again. One of them has even followed up by text to try and discuss it again this week. Do these sound like valid reasons to make the decision to not want to have kids?! If so how would you respond to this sort of pressure?

To be fair there might some validity in that my friends don't trust that it's not been influenced by DH as part of me thinks I would be open to kids if I was with someone who has wanted them (not necessarily that I'd ever be pushing for them, more I think I was on the fence either way).

I am wondering why I'm so influenced by their opinions that I then doubt myself. I do think I have other reasons outside of DH as I'm just really put off that I would have a child who also never had a good male role model but I'm definitely finding their comments making me question my decision a lot too. Although I am obviously not considering making DH have a baby that he doesn't want!!

It baffles me when people quiz the childfree about this in a way they'd never quiz parents.

I've always thought that, logically, the decision to have kids is the one that would be expected to have thought/reasons/'justification' (though not to other people, obviously!) behind it.

That's the big, life-changing step. Not having them is the default starting position.

Tell your fried to butt out.

@Inthedark1

"I'm just really put off that I would have a child who also never had a good male role model"

Now, that is very interesting!

eta; It does sound then, you are actually swithering?

Are your friends actually more perceptive than you give them credit for or could they just not like your husband? 🤷‍♂️

There are no “valid reasons” to have or not to have kids. You either want them or you don’t. A lot of people know they will struggle financially but still can’t imagine life without then.

Tell her, and them all, to fuck off. There's absolutely no need to justify your choices to anyone it's your life. I do recommend making some new childfree friends though, OP. It'll save your sanity.

Well, her DH is hardly likely to be a good male role model to an unwanted child.

Would you say you're a people pleaser OP? Sounds like you're overly influenced by the opinions of others, both DH and your friends. Try to separate out their opinions and think about your feelings on the matter. Imagine you are 50 and childless - how do you feel looking back on it? Imagine you are 60 and have adult kids - how do you feel about it? What do you enjoy about your life now, and how would that change for better or for worse with a child in the picture?

If they were genuinely concerned your decision is in order to keep your DH happy and they believe that’s against your true wishes that would be one thing.

If purely projecting their delight of having children onto you that’s totally different.

Either way if they got you to change your mind it could well be at the expense of your relationship.

Thats for you to decide without any pressure from them.

Honestly tell them to mind their own business. I think it is completely fucking bizarre the fascination people have with other women's reproduction or lack of. My DH ex wife recently told me 'not to leave it too late' which is creepy as fuck.

At 34 I'm finally being taken seriously when I say I don't want children of my own, I have felt this way since the age of 10! I wasn't into playing with dollies and pushing prams around. I liked The Power Rangers and would sword fight with my male cousins.

That hasn't stopped people over last 10 years asking 'When are you having any?' or my personal favourite 'you will change your mind.' I won't.

OP don't let other people's comments make you doubt yourself. When I see these exhausted mothers run ragged I shudder at the thought.

They were drunk but given she has doubled down now with a text it’s overstepping boundaries. Be firm. Be ready to fade the group out if it becomes too much. Your choice means that you are all in different gears now, and it’s testing the friendship. That does not mean you should have children, just that you are all at different stages now in life.

Being a parent is wonderful but it is insanely difficult physically, mentally and emotionally. If you are on the fence stay on it. Live your life the way you want to and don't let others opinions cloud your judgement.

A ‘good reason’ to want a baby is to want one, which you don’t. Ignore your friends and go with your gut. No one needs to justify not wanting kids, even to themselves, and peer pressure is a terrible reason to procreate.

I'm childfree by choice and have phased people out over the years who repeatedly said this to me. They're not my real friends.

Makes me wonder if the people who do this just want the childfree friend to be as knackered and skint as them! Why else would anyone be so invested.

Edited to delete somewhat insensitive response, apologies to anyone I may have offended.

I would just say "because I/we don't want to have kids" then change the subject. That should be a good enough explanation these days (not that anyone should have to justify their life choices in this day and age)

My sister made the decision many years ago and had the perfect answer when quizzed about when, not even if, she and her husband were going to have children. She would fix them with a steely gaze and say, "Some people can't have children!", at this point they would rapidly change the topic.

None of your friends business.
It's actually really rude to do that to a person it is zero anything to do with anyone else.
Enjoy your life being single do what you want to do were not all the same.

I didn’t see your response pre-edit, but apologies also as I was responding to the quoted post before it was added to - when it just said ‘Now, that is very interesting!’

There is something especially revolting about someone pressurising a sexual abuse survivor what to do with their body.

If they're not listening to you, it's bullying.

I imagine in previous generations, before available contraception, there were a lot of really damaged children who grew up knowing they were resented. Definitely better to make the right decision for your family/household than have children because you should or because someone who might see them once a month feels you should.

I'm pregnant with number 4 and told my husband at about 9 weeks that I was not doing pregnancy again because it's rubbish and if he ever wants another child he needs to find another uterus to carry it. Not his body, not his choice and he would be sharing all the responsibilities.

What a horrible “friend”. My dil and son don’t want children. None of my business. I personally think my son would be a great dad and I was a bit sad that I wouldn’t see him with his own child, but that his decision and nothing to do with me. My daughter who always said she didn’t want children and I really couldn’t picture her with a child, has a nine month old who is utterly delightful. So her view changed, again none of my business. You do you and tell everyone else to mind their own business.

Do you feel your husband would be a good male role model if you did have a baby?

I think your friends are a bit out of order but the fact is that it's different for men and women of your age. Your husband could say he doesn't want children and then in fifteen years' time you might split up and he gets his next girlfriend pregnant. This does happen tons of times - he's still got his options, no matter what age he is. Make sure you do what's best for you, though of course that doesn't include getting pregnant by your husband without his knowledge or consent.

It’s not anyone’s business, the only thing I’d say is, you need to be sure, this decision can’t be changed once Mother Nature takes over with menopause.
try to mentally put yourself in menopause, do you feel regret or do you feel content?

Whenever anyone asked me why I didn't want children I'd just quiz them right back. "I dunno, why did you want children? I don't understand that!" No one ever had a decent reply.

Note, not my friends of course! My friends are lovely and we all respect each other's decisions to be child-free or parents. And while I wonder why some of them had kids I don't quiz them on it. Anyone who quizzed me on my reproductive choices would be an ex-friend.