My boyfriend does not want to marry me, what should i do?

[egghampton]

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now, he has told me he loves me and we have been living together for about 6 months now.

the relationship started slow, he is widowed his wife was very ill and took her own life during chemo so i knew when getting into this relationship it was never going to be straight forward, but i always thought that he would re-marry

we never really spoke about marriage to be honest, i just thought it was where everyone headed, he does have a son who is 12 now but i just feel like im a third wheel in the family and i want to marry him.

he gets annoyed when i try to talk to him about it, and the last time he quite bluntly said he cant marry me, and if its what i want we should probably break up.

maybe he will change his mind, i just cant understand how he can not want to marry me, like ever? and why is he so closed to it?

do i just need to give him more time? or am i being unreasonable expecting him to marry me? its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing.

its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing.

this makes me question your intentions for wanting to marry. Massive ick

How does he treat her? He's said he doesn't want to get married, she keeps bringing it up. He's not breadcrumbing her, he's being honest. He has every right to put his son's financial future instead of hers, if that's his reasoning, there could be many others.

She could start paying the mortgage and get legal advise, as to what rights she has if they split up, or he dies. Or she could find financial security on her own.

Maybe I'm biased hough, I don't see it as an end goal because I have zero interest in getting married.

Why do you want to marry him? If it’s just to inherit his money or house then YABU. Use the opportunity of living rent free to save some money. Do you want to have a child with him and does that necessitate marriage?

'He owns the house and pays for everything'

Maybe he can see that your grabby and freeloading, but its convenient for him right now, he's not stupid and wont marry you so you can walk away with half of everything that belongs to him!

OP, I would find someone else.

As a widow I will never re marry.
What I have will be DCs inheritance one day, it was jointly earned/bought with their father. I wouldn’t ever risk their inheritance by marriage and a possible divorce.

Work on getting a better job. I can see why he doesn't want to marry you. You are after his house

My partner didn't want to marry me either. He had had a divorce and an engagement end and thought marriage would mean we'd break up.

We have lived together for 25 years, have built our lives together, share everything. We got married finally last month, for tax reasons really, but it was a brilliant day.

Honestly, if you love each other it doesn't matter- unless you have children or are living in his house when it absolutely does.

He’s told you how he feels. He won’t marry you, so it’s up to you what you do next.

"do i just need to give him more time? or am i being unreasonable expecting him to marry me? its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing."

He has been very frank that he doesn't want to marry you so, no - you do not need to give him more time. You have your answer - he will not marry you. Accept it.

It's up to you what you want to do with that information. Do you stay, or go? Or, do you stay, and then go? You are rightly thinking about your financial future, and so you should. You say you "dont really earn that much" so I'd start to address that. Do you need to work more hours, take on more responsibility and work your way up the ladder/pay scale, or get another better-paying job entirely? Could you retrain for a career? You should be considering being financially independent.

You only moved in with him six months ago - where did you stay before then? Can you move back there? Or do you want to continue staying with him whilst you retrain?

You do have options. Choices to make.

1. Stay, with an uncertain future.
2. Stay, and become financially independent by changing what/where/how you work, so that if you split up or "anything did happen" you are OK financially alone.
3. Stay, and become financially independent by changing what/where/how you work, then decide whether you'd like to continue this relationship or would prefer to try again with someone new.
4. Leave, plough your energies into becoming financially independent, and consider new romantic opportunities.

You do not have the option of staying and marrying him.

You need to decide what you want from your life. Personally I wouldn't want a partner with this amount of baggage and where the both of you clearly want different things.

I imagine he wants his son to inherit his assets and money.

Are you completely financially dependent on him? If you are act quickly to shift that position by retraining or whatever. Some people simply see marriage as a once in a lifetime thing. What’s more import, a wedding ring or your love and friendship ?

He's made it clear that marriage is not on the cards.
If the only future you see for yourself is one where you are married, you should do as he suggested and break up.

This man is not the meal ticket you appear to be looking for.

If that is what you want, look elsewhere.

He has told you the truth, now you need to move on as he is not what you were hoping to find.

Why?

She never discussed marriage with him but assumed he would marry her.
She appears to contribute nothing but is worried she will not get anything if anything happens.

What makes you think she deserves empathy?

A wife should not come second to children. Children grow up and go away. A person's primary relationship is with their spouse/partner and that's the one to prioritise - if it isn't then it's going to be short shrift for any DC involved because the people supposed to be bringing them up are not looking after each other and thus are incapable of being good parents. Showing a child that they come before any other relationship is likely, too, to set them up with a view of future relationships which will be casual or transactional, rather than invested emotional relationships.
OP should leave the user she is living with and find somone who appreciates her - she's not grabby and she is right, if her DP died tomorrow she has nothing. Mind, she should go out and earn her own money as well as finding a better DP.

A wife should not come second to children. Children grow up and go away. A person's primary relationship is with their spouse/partner and that's the one to prioritise

Husbands take priority over children? Really?

Showing a child that they come before any other relationship is likely, too, to set them up with a view of future relationships which will be casual or transactional, rather than invested emotional relationships.

What on earth is the reasoning behind this?

its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing

I didn’t really process this part earlier.

Anyone in your boyfriend’s position, especially as a widower with a child, would be mad to lose their financial security by marrying someone. Mad.

But why should she get anything? I don’t understand?

You would get nothing. Maybe he doesn't want to be responsible for financing another adult. I don't blame him tbh.

This is madness.

How do we know that they never discussed marriage though? This isn’t clear.

Why should one have to contribute financially to be of any worth in a relationship? That’s the very thing you’re accusing OP of - grabby.

I believe she deserves empathy, because she is another fellow human being who has committed herself to a relationship with someone. Just because her boyfriend has a son doesn’t mean everything has to go to him. This is baffling to me. I feel you have an obligation to your partner as well, otherwise what’s the point in being in a relationship? I am married, and if I had children, I would want some to go to children and my husband. My husband earns more than me, does that mean I wasn’t worth marrying?
Would you not want to support the boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/partner that lives with you? Otherwise why move in together? You become a household at that point, not housemates.

We also forget that OP is in a vulnerable position here in terms of a power dynamic, and she earns considerably less money. She doesn’t have any security with a man that she’s committing herself to. Yes, she could go on to earning more money, saving, retraining etc but those things take time. All the time, she’s living with a boyfriend who could kick her to the curb.

How do we know that she isn’t contributing in other ways? Cleaning? Cooking? Childcare? Who knows.

I think the way that the OP has worded her post makes her sound grabby or self-centred, when I’m interpreting it as panic, and oh shit, if this happens, I’ll be left with nothing. I think OP is looking for a sense of security and not necessarily money.

If I lived in a household with a stepmom or one of my parents partners and my parent then passed away, I’d want to ensure that my parents partner was ok too.

As long as they weren’t abusive or a completely awful person.

Im just giving another perspective.

Your husband decided you were worth marrying, so who cares that others wouldn’t? 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP’s partner wants it to go to his son. He doesn’t want to marry OP. There’s nothing wrong with marriage and combining finances if that’s what he wanted, but it isn’t. He doesn’t owe her marriage and shared finances because she wants it.

Again, she chose this. She’s a grown woman with agency that is responsible for the choices she’s made regarding this relationship. She knew and knows what he’s offering, and if it’s not what she wants then it’s her responsibility to walk away. If he wants financial security then she needs to provide it for herself.