My boyfriend does not want to marry me, what should i do?

[egghampton]

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now, he has told me he loves me and we have been living together for about 6 months now.

the relationship started slow, he is widowed his wife was very ill and took her own life during chemo so i knew when getting into this relationship it was never going to be straight forward, but i always thought that he would re-marry

we never really spoke about marriage to be honest, i just thought it was where everyone headed, he does have a son who is 12 now but i just feel like im a third wheel in the family and i want to marry him.

he gets annoyed when i try to talk to him about it, and the last time he quite bluntly said he cant marry me, and if its what i want we should probably break up.

maybe he will change his mind, i just cant understand how he can not want to marry me, like ever? and why is he so closed to it?

do i just need to give him more time? or am i being unreasonable expecting him to marry me? its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing.

You’ve been together four years not forty and no kids together so why is your financial stability so tied up with getting married? Saying you’re worried you’ll get nothing sounds very grabby under the circumstances. How old are you? What were your finances like before you got together?

Why can’t she build her own security? I live alone, I pay my own bills and I have my own savings, pay for my own holidays, rent - all expenses are on me!

Help me understand - if Op is lucky enough not to pay rent and bills like she would otherwise if she wasn’t with this man (and like most other women who live alone ) WHY can’t she save up and build up her own security?

Even without retraining or finding a new job etc - if she’s in a basic minimum wage job she should still be able to save a decent amount with no expenses.

Well, in this case they have talked about it. The OP just doesn't want to believe what her partner said.

You have made the mistakes of assuming your BF would want to get married and not having a conversation about it. You want different things. Time to go your separate ways.

Well she’s not his wife is she and it’s probably the reasons you give that make him not want a wife. He wants to prioritise his son therefore he doesn’t want a wife. I say good on him for putting his son first.

its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing

I imagine, as you nightlight that, he's afraid that while you contribute nothing, you will claim half of his property if any marriage fails. Not surprised he's reluctant.

If you are an adult and you don’t have children then I can’t really see why a person has put all their financial stability on to another person they’re not even married to. Why is OP not financially independant? I never relied on a man financially until I had children and even that was a mistake (financial dependence, not the children). I had a six year relationship prior to that and was totally financially independent in it.

OP what were you doing before you met this man? Surely you earned enough to live without him since you only moved in 6 months ago? Have you cut your hours since then? You claim you don’t earn that much but you clearly earned enough to sustain yourself before.

I dated a 6 figure earner who had a successful business. Had I moved in with him he would’ve have paid for everything.

I wouldn’t have thought it was then time for me put my feet up. I’d have remained as ambitious as ever and even set some savings goals to make the most of living rent /bill free.

As a single woman with no kids, generally speaking you should be able to stand on your own two feet financially.

Totally different if you’ve had kids and taken a cut in your income or lost out on promotions etc due to going part time or even given up your job altogether to do childcare. Unless there’s some drip feed coming and you’ve taken on all childcare and had to significantly reduce your hours or something I don’t get the issue.

If your issue is you just want to get married and he doesn’t that’s fine, I wouldn’t live with someone indefinitely without marriage too tbf. But if that’s the case just go your separate ways and be done with it - but in this context, banging on about “financial security” is a bit disingenuous.

Exactly. It can be a very risky strategy to depend on a man. Understandable why someone would do it if they were married and had kids to look after but otherwise - just why?

It’s like OP is taking the advice about marriage usually meant for women considering having kids or being a SAHM and applying it to their situation. But based on the facts it’s not relevant to their circumstances.

OP needs to wise up and sort out her finances/save up as much as she can while she’s in this position . Even if she decides to stay, for all we know her partner could have been so put off by the marriage chat that he has decided to call it a day.

Here’s my take: avoid forcing things or issuing ultimatums.

It's really important to respect him, his choices, even if they don't align with what you want, and also respect his child.

I don’t think it’s essential for both partners in a relationship to work and earn a salary. If one chooses to stay at home and rely on the other financially, it’s crucial to have thorough discussions in advance to figure out what works best for everyone. Without these conversations, imbalances and disputes are bound to happen.

That’s why communication is so important. Most conflicts stem from a failure to discuss and agree on arrangements that work for everyone involved.

People here are being overly critical and overthinking unnecessarily.

People aren’t being unsympathetic to the OP. She’s not unreasonable to want to get married but the man isn’t unreasonable to not want to get married either.

However she’s unreasonable not to take his words about marriage seriously. She was naive to assume that remarriage was on the cards one day but it’s good that this man is being clear rather than stringing her along. I’ve read many threads on here by women wanting proposals or to set a date because they don’t want a lifelong engagement and it would be sad if OP waited for decades for a proposal that never happened.

Her choices are to accept cohabitation or break up and look for a man that would marry her one day. If she’s staying then I would advise her to save like crazy and work on earning more so that she had more choices about her life like what to do if something happened to her partner.

She’s also naive to think that marriage would stop her feeling like a third wheel. Blended families are hard and she’s only been living with the father and son for 6 months.

She sounds grabby because she's only lived with the guy and his son for 6 months, he's refused to marry her even though she's bugging him for it, and there's a 12 year old to consider. She's concerned about getting nothing if something happens. Her getting something if he kicked off would mean a 12 year old orphan would get less.

A lot of people target widows and widowers to make their lives easier and have no shits to give about the kids involved.

OP could be using the money she's saving by not paying her share here to train for a better earning career. She could go to school or get a certification.

I imagine he’s protecting his son’s future financial situation. He probably sees you as a grasping money grabber, as do I, after reading that last paragraph.

I would never marry again. Marriage is a financial and legal contract. I want all I have worked for to go to my children and would never risk that by remarrying. No matter how much I loved someone, my children are my priority.

This isn’t a failure to communicate though, it’s OP failing to listen and to accept. He’s communicated very clearly where he stands, OP just doesn’t want to take no for an answer (yet is surprised that he’s pissed off at having to repeat himself).

If marriage is as important to OP as not marrying is to him, then there’s no outcome that’s going to work best for everyone. He’s told her very plainly that if it’s marriage she wants then it’s best that they break up, because it’s not what he’s offering. He’s absolutely right, too.

You're very fortunate that you're being paid for, make the most of it. Save all your wages and invest them so you have a fund to cover you in case you break up, and ask him to make some provision for you in his will.
And do everything you can to get a better job earning more money as well. Unless marriage is a deal breaker, if it is, your relationship is over really but you can sit tight for a while and save some money at least.

They have talked about it! Lots, by the sound of it. She just doesn’t like what he’s said.

You talk such rubbish !
This man was married before, & his wife died tragically , he has a 12 year old son ….
He probably doesn’t ever want to get married again , I wouldn’t !
OP not working , or not contributing would actually be a deal breaker for me , not to mind marrying …🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't see why the OP is 'vulnerable' and 'financially dependent'.

7 months ago she was living somewhere, presumably with all the costs that involves, working and managing to live; she doesn't say she was vulnerable then. Today she has a comfortable roof over her head, is working and managing to live, but now has lost the costs of her accommodation. So she's better off than she was 7 months ago. Hopefully she has the sense to be saving the costs of housing herself as she doesn't presently have an expectation that someone will support her in the future. As she didn't 7 months ago.

Expecting her DP to support her day-to-day (as he is) and make provision for her future, at the expense of his son is quite unreasonable.

Let's hope his son puts his father first when he gets a wife. Children grow up and go. The investment is good but they are not going to be keeping you company by the fire when you are 80 because they will have their own life. This has to be borne in mind.

I’m not having any more relationships I don’t expect my children to keep me company because of it.

This.

I agree with this to a degree - the relationship with a spouse should be paramount in normal circumstances.

But this isn't that.

OP is not the spouse, nor the child's mum. The mum died in terribly sad circumstances and I can't actually imagine how OPs partner dealt with this, both personally and as a dad. A grieving dad supporting a young grieving child. In these circumstances it's understandable that the dad wants to put his child first, both emotionally and financially.

Once the son is older, independent and supporting himself financially, then the dad may feel differently about marriage, but at the moment he is being a good dad and looking out for his son.

It's unfortunate that OP has found herself in this situation, but she has only been living with him for six months and must have been supporting herself until very recently, so it might be in her best interests to ensure she is protecting her own future, rather than assuming someone else is going to.

The same goes for partners and spouses, as relationships can sometimes come to an end.

Divorces and separations, in particular, can be messy, expensive, and filled with challenges, often leaving people feeling bitter and resentful. Exes won’t be around to support you when you’re 80 years old.

There’s always a chance the child or teenager could grow up to be an adult who doesn’t want relationships, works in a well-paid remote career, and, even better, chooses to stay close to his dad.

The OP's boyfriend has already endured very painful and sad experiences with the loss of his wife. Situations like his require time and understanding.

OP’s boyfriend is protecting himself as much as he is protecting his son. The assets he has are ones from a life he built with his wife, not OP. He very reasonably doesn’t want her to have a claim to them, why would he? The relationship he has with her is not one of two adults meeting on an equal financial footing, and he is in the position of having far more to lose than she would. Given that her concern is that if the relationship ended she’d have to walk away without a share of assets she’s only taken from and never contributed to, I’m not convinced that sitting by the fire with her in old age is 1, a likely outcome even if they did marry, or 2, preferable to being single.

He is far from a ‘user’, given the generosity he has already extended to her. That she wants more does not oblige him to provide it. He’s been more than fair to her.