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Original poster

My boyfriend does not want to marry me, what should i do?

279 replies

egghampton · 09/07/2025 12:37

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now, he has told me he loves me and we have been living together for about 6 months now.

the relationship started slow, he is widowed his wife was very ill and took her own life during chemo so i knew when getting into this relationship it was never going to be straight forward, but i always thought that he would re-marry

we never really spoke about marriage to be honest, i just thought it was where everyone headed, he does have a son who is 12 now but i just feel like im a third wheel in the family and i want to marry him.

he gets annoyed when i try to talk to him about it, and the last time he quite bluntly said he cant marry me, and if its what i want we should probably break up.

maybe he will change his mind, i just cant understand how he can not want to marry me, like ever? and why is he so closed to it?

do i just need to give him more time? or am i being unreasonable expecting him to marry me? its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 09/07/2025 14:33

The answer is to be independent and buy your own place. It can be something quite humble, a small flat, but yours if anything happened and would give you security. If you stay with your man you can let it with a proper contract so you could give the tenant reasonable notice if your situation changed.

If you are not happy with just cohabiting, you don't have to stay. Nobody should be pressured into marriage, at least he is being honest with you. He may change his mind, people do, but he may not.

Do you want to have children of your own?

Rabbitsockpeony · 09/07/2025 14:35

he gets annoyed when i try to talk to him about it, and the last time he quite bluntly said he cant marry me, and if its what i want we should probably break up.

He’s told you. He’s been honest. Don’t waste your time refusing to listen to him and foolishly hoping he’ll change his mind.

He only ever wants to have been married to his wife who tragically died. He doesn’t sound remotely over it, nor is he giving the impression of being particularly into you. He doesn’t want to replace her with you. That’s how he feels. Plus his son is very young.

Just leave and stop pushing for something he’s plainly said he doesn’t want.

MyMilchick · 09/07/2025 14:35

"its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing"

Why should you get anything if you don't contribute? He's probably protecting his child.

beetr00 · 09/07/2025 14:37

PeonyPatch · 09/07/2025 14:25

Your post is harsh to be honest!

I think it’s reasonable after that length of time in a relationship with someone and now living with them to want some degree of security!

Show quote history

it is true, nonetheless @PeonyPatch

4 years, in the grand scheme, is nothing, under these particular circumstances, especially with a young son who's lost his Mum.

@egghampton has only lived with him for 6 months.

Her timeline requires marriage, his does not.

A difficult decision is required by @egghampton

PeonyPatch · 09/07/2025 14:37

Whosenameisthis · 09/07/2025 14:32

Where’s his and his son’s security from living with her?

why is it one way? She is reasonable to expect security from him, isn’t he reasonable to expect security from her?

if he marries her he loses his and his son’s security and risks her taking his sons support and inheritance.

maybe if she contributed and could offer something to improve his security…

Show quote history

Wow, so rude!

You can provide much more than money in a relationship. Perhaps OP contributes support in other ways e.g. emotionally or practically.

Also the father can still leave assets and inheritance to his son. There is also the option of a pre-nup and such. I wouldn’t be so quick to judge the OP, and I don’t think they come across as a leech. There will always be a power dynamic in couples where one earns more money or comes with more resources, there is no getting away from that.

If I had a child, and I wanted to re-marry, I’d ensure that my child is provided for, but I’d also want my partner to be supported as well. That’s what becoming a family is all about. That wouldn’t make my partner a leech. It’s called supporting the people that you love and care about.

Ponderingwindow · 09/07/2025 14:38

I think he is doing the right thing by not remarrying. His primary financial commitment is to his child. Marriage would complicate that relationship.

you need to move on. You aren’t someone at the same life-stage as your boyfriend. You need someone who wants to get married and be a true life long partner.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 09/07/2025 14:39

Bigfatsunandclouds · 09/07/2025 13:26

This was unnecessarily mean and rude. Women get told all the time on here to protect themselves with marriage. OP could end up homeless and penniless if her DP died, she wants stability and financial security. There is nothing wrong with that.

OP it doesn't sound like a good relationship for you and I would break up with him if marriage is what you want. I too would be worried about financials and not having anywhere to live if the worst happens.

Show quote history

Nothing wrong with wanting stability and financial security, but very wrong to just assume someone else should provide that for you (at the cost of their child) rather than actually taking responsibility for yourself. OP is being bankrolled by her DP, he’s doing her a massive favour. How ever little she is earning, she should be looking to invest that for her future.

ThatCyanCat · 09/07/2025 14:39

I'd never remarry if I became single. I won't be having more children and I would not do anything to compromise my children's inheritance.

2024onwardsandup · 09/07/2025 14:40

Commonsense22 · 09/07/2025 12:39

He will never marry you. It doesn't sound like a good relationship. His story is tragic but that doesn't excuse how he treats you.

What pays for everything, is clear that he doesn’t want to marry her and she’s upset that if he doesn’t get married to her she won’t have any rights over his money? Can’t see what he’s doing wrong)

PeonyPatch · 09/07/2025 14:42

beetr00 · 09/07/2025 14:37

it is true, nonetheless @PeonyPatch

4 years, in the grand scheme, is nothing, under these particular circumstances, especially with a young son who's lost his Mum.

@egghampton has only lived with him for 6 months.

Her timeline requires marriage, his does not.

A difficult decision is required by @egghampton

Show quote history

No, 4 years is not a long time, I agree. I feel sorry for the man and his son, but it was a tragedy that happened. 6 months living together isn’t a long time either, but I also feel like after almost 5 years with someone, it’s reasonable to consider the future.

I also feel like the man has some responsibility to the OP after forming a relationship with them and moving her in. It feels a bit like stringing them along.

@egghampton does have a difficult decision to make unfortunately. I guess you both need to discuss what you want from a relationship as it sounds like for both of you, it’s different things.

I don’t think that wanting security means that someone is a leech. You almost forget about all the other things that a person brings to the table in a relationship, and it’s notoriously women who earn less in this patriarchal society.

PeonyPatch · 09/07/2025 14:44

Ponderingwindow · 09/07/2025 14:38

I think he is doing the right thing by not remarrying. His primary financial commitment is to his child. Marriage would complicate that relationship.

you need to move on. You aren’t someone at the same life-stage as your boyfriend. You need someone who wants to get married and be a true life long partner.

Then he shouldn’t be in a relationship with her and move her in!!!

dogcatkitten · 09/07/2025 14:44

Are you allowed to talk about feeling financially insecure? Would he agree to leave you something in his will, assuming you stay together long term? But he is probably more concerned to leave his son well provided for.

If he pays for everything, are you working? If not get a job, either way start a personal pension and put in as much as you can, so you don't have to rely on his money in retirement. And put as much of the rest as you can into savings so you have a nest egg if you do break up. Many people don't choose to marry, just make sure you have sorted out your finances if you want to stay with him.

Eviebeans · 09/07/2025 14:45

Take him at his word - don’t count on him changing his mind. if being married is important to you then you should leave

PeonyPatch · 09/07/2025 14:45

Also what could be possibly wrong with providing for son and his new partner?

If his wife was still alive, wouldn’t this be the same?

Stoppedlurking4this · 09/07/2025 14:46

Rolypoly27 · 09/07/2025 12:45

Another thread that boggles my mind how couples can be together for 4 years and not talk about the future or marriage

To be fair it sounds like they have spoken about it, he has said no.

OP he has been married before and has a child to think about. The child is only 12. That is a lot of childhood and expense left and he is his only parent. He may want everything to go to him- including everything he inherited from his mother. Not to you. You are already talking about 'getting nothing' when he dies, even though its his house and he pays for everything. You have nothing. He has a child to think about and. to his credit, he is doing that.

Moveoverdarlin · 09/07/2025 14:46

Commonsense22 · 09/07/2025 12:39

He will never marry you. It doesn't sound like a good relationship. His story is tragic but that doesn't excuse how he treats you.

But he’s not treating her badly. He’s always said he wouldn’t remarry and if that’s a deal breaker for her, they should probably split up.

Bigi · 09/07/2025 14:47

Move on darling. It's hard, but the fact he wont even talk about something that is so important to you is awful.

TeeBee · 09/07/2025 14:48

He’s perfectly entitled to not marry again if he doesn’t want to and has told you clearly that’s not what he wants. He’s done nothing wrong as far as I can see. Not everyone wants marriage; it really isn’t where everyone is ‘heading’.
Stay on the basis of what he has told you or leave and pursue a relationship with someone who wants the same as you.

Mrsttcno1 · 09/07/2025 14:55

PeonyPatch · 09/07/2025 14:44

Then he shouldn’t be in a relationship with her and move her in!!!

Show quote history

Get real. OP is living rent free & paying for nothing, she was hardly dragged into moving in 😂

Mrsttcno1 · 09/07/2025 14:56

PeonyPatch · 09/07/2025 14:45

Also what could be possibly wrong with providing for son and his new partner?

If his wife was still alive, wouldn’t this be the same?

If his wife was still alive then it would be their home and their child, both with the same end goal that everything was for THEIR kids in the end.

OP has openly said she wants to get married so she gets a chunk of what isn’t hers when they split up.

MyDeftDuck · 09/07/2025 14:57

You have to accept that he is just not into you to want to marry you………keep pushing him and you will lose him. Why are you so invested in marriage anyway? He might see you as wanting to replace his late wife……something you will never do! Put up or shut up!

Tontostitis · 09/07/2025 14:58

In his mind she is, was and will always be his wife. That might change but it is extremely unlikely either you accept the love and level of commitment he offers or if you can't you should walk.

Rayqueen · 09/07/2025 15:01

Erm I wouldn't want to marry you either you sound obsessed and what has him owning his house etc got to do with you other than you look like a money grabber

TheArtfulNavyDreamer · 09/07/2025 15:01

I think you need to set aside the marriage question and ask what he sees for the future. Does he see this as forever? Is his reticence to marriage because he doesn’t want to leave any part of his sons inheritance to you when you don’t contribute financially. If something happens to him who gets the son? Do you have a parental role or are you just dads girlfriend. Ultimately though he’s been pretty straight with you and if marriage is what you want then you need to look elsewhere. If financial security is what you want then you need to create it for yourself.

gsiftpoffu · 09/07/2025 15:01

its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing

That will be why he doesn't want to marry you. He'll want to make sure his son is provided for and that you couldn't take a lot of his money/property/investments in the event of a divorce.

He's said he's not going to marry you and that if that's what you want you should break up. He's been very clear so either you stay with him and accept what he's said or you leave him and find someone else who does want to marry.

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