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Original poster

My boyfriend does not want to marry me, what should i do?

279 replies

egghampton · 09/07/2025 12:37

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now, he has told me he loves me and we have been living together for about 6 months now.

the relationship started slow, he is widowed his wife was very ill and took her own life during chemo so i knew when getting into this relationship it was never going to be straight forward, but i always thought that he would re-marry

we never really spoke about marriage to be honest, i just thought it was where everyone headed, he does have a son who is 12 now but i just feel like im a third wheel in the family and i want to marry him.

he gets annoyed when i try to talk to him about it, and the last time he quite bluntly said he cant marry me, and if its what i want we should probably break up.

maybe he will change his mind, i just cant understand how he can not want to marry me, like ever? and why is he so closed to it?

do i just need to give him more time? or am i being unreasonable expecting him to marry me? its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing.

OP posts:
nomas · 09/07/2025 15:02

Tontostitis · 09/07/2025 14:58

In his mind she is, was and will always be his wife. That might change but it is extremely unlikely either you accept the love and level of commitment he offers or if you can't you should walk.

In his mind she is, was and will always be his wife.

That’s purely a guess on your part.

I think OP should walk but just because he won’t marry OP doesn’t mean he was a loving husband to his wife.

Whosenameisthis · 09/07/2025 15:02

PeonyPatch · 09/07/2025 14:45

Also what could be possibly wrong with providing for son and his new partner?

If his wife was still alive, wouldn’t this be the same?

Well no.

him and his wife their joint assets would go to their son. So whatever either of them bring to the marriage if one dies, the assets pass to the other, and then to their son.

if he marries o/p, his assets go to her. From then they will pass to whoever she chooses. If she has no will it will default to her next of kin, not his son.

if they divorce, she will take a chunk of his assets. Again, if it was his wife, those assets would contribute to the care of his son.

yes people can write wills, but wills and prenups can be challenged if he leaves a spouse unprovided for. Her challenge is much more likely to be successful if they marry.

the only way to guarantee everything goes to his son and his son gets as much financial support as possible is not to marry.

beetr00 · 09/07/2025 15:08

@PeonyPatch

Totally reasonable for @egghampton to consider the future, ofc.

Yes, he does have a responsibility of course he does, BUT he has made it quite clear that he does to want to get married to @egghampton, he is not being disingenuous here nor is he stringing her along.

"I don’t think that wanting security means that someone is a leech" completely agree but in the OP @egghampton states
"if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing"

Purely, from my own completely personal perspective, it would NEVER even have entered my head worrying what I'd gain financially in such a short relationship!

Just to also address your last comment "it’s notoriously women who earn less in this patriarchal society" Totally, wholeheartedly agree with you. 🙂

Bonbonthechewyone · 09/07/2025 15:09

It's too complex OP and a lot of pertinent information is missing. How long has he been widowed? How soon after that did you get together? Are you living in what was the marital home? Did he ask you to move in or did you push for it?

He's made it clear as day. Stay if you believe you love each other and can he happy. If you want marriage, he's not your man.

Goditsmemargaret · 09/07/2025 15:11

His personal experience of marriage was horrendous. Does he speak about what happened? Does he feel he let her down? Things got ugly in my marriage when I was going through chemo, we both started to crack under the pressure.

Why is he paying for everything? You're a grown woman, you should be able to support yourself financially.

Accept the situation or leave.

boxofbuttons · 09/07/2025 15:13

i always thought that he would re-marry Baffled why you didn't have this conversation earlier than 4 years into the relationship - not everyone wants to remarry for a second time and I'd imagine fewer do after such a tragic loss

i just feel like im a third wheel in the family Sorry to be blunt, but you are. You've lived with them for 6 months - you are not his son's 'family', he lost his mother at a young age and you're his dad's girlfriend who only just moved in. At the moment, you are the third wheel and that's as it should be.

he gets annoyed when i try to talk to him about it, and the last time he quite bluntly said he cant marry me, and if its what i want we should probably break up. He's being very clear here.

maybe he will change his mind, Or maybe he won't. You need to decide if you can live with not getting married.

i just cant understand how he can not want to marry me, like ever? and why is he so closed to it? Because he's been married once and he thinks it's something you should only do once? Because he wants to honour his wife's memory? Because he doesn't think it would be fair on his son? Because he's concerned about protecting his son's inheritance? Lots of reasons.

its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing. I'm not sure why you feel you'd be entitled to 'get' anything if he pays for everything and owns all the assets?

BasiliskStare · 09/07/2025 15:20

I've read some posts but @egghampton you ay this "its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing."

Well you probably would get nothing. & He's said he doesn't want to get married. So perhaps think of a plan B

JLou08 · 09/07/2025 15:20

I'm not sure I'd want to remarry if I was widowed. Even more so if my children were still children. It just wouldn't feel right to me. If it is the financial side you are concerned about maybe discuss it with him from that angle and speak to a solicitor.

Hatty65 · 09/07/2025 15:22

I have a friend who is a widower with DC. His late wife's life insurance paid off the mortgage, and he is struggling with working full time and being a single dad.

He's not dated much since losing his wife young, because it's difficult to find the time but he is absolutely adamant that he will never marry again. His DC are his priority and whatever his future holds it won't be marriage.

At any point.

Gardengirl108 · 09/07/2025 15:23

EggnogNoggin · 09/07/2025 12:44

Honestly?He's probably closed to it to

  1. protect his and his son's finances/inheritance
  2. there's no benefit for him. You're living there, which probably means youre doing more housework and paying toward the house/bills than he would have to do alone.

To sum up, finances and convenience.

He pays for everything.

Bananalanacake · 09/07/2025 15:25

It's possible to have a relationship without living together you know.

Bluegoo · 09/07/2025 15:27

Brokenclavicle653 · 09/07/2025 13:35

To be fair, you don’t know that the op doesn’t contribute eg doing all of the housework and looking after her stepson. Her dp may have kept the relationship going for that reason and for the sex, despite knowing that marriage was her goal. In which case it’s not all op’s fault that this situation came about.

However, now her dp has been more explicit, then op has to leave if she is serious about marriage.

Op I would advise against clinging on in the hope that your dp will change his mind. He is much less likely to respect you this way.

Also, why is he only the one allowed to make decisions and define the parameters of your relationship? You are being too passive if you allow that. You are entitled to make your decision too and walk away with your head held high.

Show quote history

Well they’ve been together 4 years and only living together 6 months so I doubt he’s kept the relationship going for childcare/housework.

Unless there’s a drip feed coming in and Op more or less moved in from
the start, before she officially moved in properly sounds as if they’ve ran two seperate households for most of their time together and he’s handled his own household duties.

PeonyPatch · 09/07/2025 15:27

beetr00 · 09/07/2025 15:08

@PeonyPatch

Totally reasonable for @egghampton to consider the future, ofc.

Yes, he does have a responsibility of course he does, BUT he has made it quite clear that he does to want to get married to @egghampton, he is not being disingenuous here nor is he stringing her along.

"I don’t think that wanting security means that someone is a leech" completely agree but in the OP @egghampton states
"if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing"

Purely, from my own completely personal perspective, it would NEVER even have entered my head worrying what I'd gain financially in such a short relationship!

Just to also address your last comment "it’s notoriously women who earn less in this patriarchal society" Totally, wholeheartedly agree with you. 🙂

I still think 4 years is quite a long time - esp as adults. Not sure on the OPs age.

It sounds like she’s panicking since moving in with him and it’s suddenly dawned on her what a vulnerable position that she’s in.

@egghampton I am not sure this is the relationship for you. You have a right to security and consideration in a relationship.

The son should always be a priority to his father, however, I think you also have some responsibility to your partner of 4 years. It’s not 4 months.

I would really re-evaluate it this is the right person / dynamics for you.

MayaPinion · 09/07/2025 15:29

If he wanted to marry you he would. He has told you he doesn’t. Believe him. At the risk of sounding harsh, there is no benefit to him to marrying you as you have little in the way of assets or income. He has a son he needs to provide for and if he married you he runs the risk of losing half of it should you split. If he married you and then died, you would possibly inherit the lot by default. That’s not in his, or his son’s, best interests. In his shoes I’d do the same.

Anonymouseposter · 09/07/2025 15:30

its just he owns the house and pays for everything, i dont really earn that much, and if anything did happen i'm worried id get nothing.

He's probably thinking of his son. Unless you are putting something in why would you expect to get anything. He has been completely straight with you. If marriage is important to you you might have to end this relationship and find someone else. You do need to take some financial responsibility for your own future and it wouldn't be a good idea to have children with him as you would be more reliant on him if that happened.

WordsFailMeYetAgain · 09/07/2025 15:30

OP, leave him. I wasted 10 years trying to convince myself that I could change my ExDP's mind. It didn't work. I left him and met my DH a few years later, had a family etc etc.

ExDP is single, living alone in a flat!

Plantladylover · 09/07/2025 15:30

When a man tells you he has no intention of marrying you believe him

InterIgnis · 09/07/2025 15:31

He’s told you what to do, you just don’t want to accept it. If marriage is what you want then you’re choosing to waste your own time with this relationship, and that’s entirely on you. He’s not wrong because he doesn’t want the same things you do, and you’re not wrong for wanting what you want. You are however wrong to think he must come around to your way of thinking, and that if you just keep working on him that he will. He’s told you very plainly where he stands. Respect that, and believe him.

He’s chosen to be generous with you, but that doesn’t translate into you being entitled to his assets. They’re his, and he’s very wisely decided against giving you any claim to them.

Floundering66 · 09/07/2025 15:33

Sounds like he’s been straight forward about his feelings. You have to decide if marriage is a deal breaker for you. If you stay and he’s paying for everything I suggest you save as much as you can so you have a safety net should he want to end things.

dawngreen · 09/07/2025 15:33

The only reason he moved on, was because his life partner got cancer. When a couple have being together for a long time. You cannot expect him to move on, as if it was a break up. He has to think of his wife's child's feelings too. It could be years but most likely never. Maybe it would be best for you to move on, and find some one with the same plans as you.

Bluegoo · 09/07/2025 15:33

Mrsttcno1 · 09/07/2025 14:33

She’s been living rent free and not even contributing for all of that time, in her own words- he pays for EVERYTHING.

She could have built her own financial security with all the money she should have been saving.

Show quote history

Exactly this what are some posters not getting? She is living rent free and he pays for everything. WHY can’t OP save up with all the money she saves from having no expenses?

That’s all the security she needs unless she’s intending to have a child with this man.

Dogaredabomb · 09/07/2025 15:34

I wouldn't marry either in his position, he is very likely protecting his son's inheritance. If you want marriage (and your own children?) you need to look for someone else. It's not this man.

IncrediblyGood · 09/07/2025 15:45

I wouldn't marry you either in his position.

I imagine he wants to protect his assets for his child.

InterIgnis · 09/07/2025 15:47

PeonyPatch · 09/07/2025 14:44

Then he shouldn’t be in a relationship with her and move her in!!!

Show quote history

Why shouldn’t he? She isn’t a child he’s lured in under false pretenses, she’s a grown woman that he’s been nothing but honest with. She knew and knows marriage isn’t on the cards, and has chosen to assume the risk of becoming financially dependent on him. If she wants to improve her own financial position then it’s her responsibility to do so, not his.

MounjaroMounjaro · 09/07/2025 15:48

He and his son have been through a traumatic series of events and I can see why he doesn't want to go through that again.

Why aren't you earning enough to keep yourself, OP? I'd focus on that for now.