Not wanting grandchildren

[Reallyneedsaholiday]

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

I'm not fussed either way. I'm sure I would be very excited if I were told I was going to be a grandmother, but equally I don't mind if I'm not. My dc are 19 and 17 so it will be a while. Dd (19) says she doesn't want kids but I suspect ds will. I'd probably be happy to do sone child care, but I doubt our dc will come back to live near us (rural area), so unless we moved nearer them it probably wouldn't be practical.

It's not selfish not to want more children in your life. As I said I'm 65 I just want some peace now. Children cause all sorts of problems including grandchildren.

I say reading comprehension is fundamental and nowhere does OP show that she is being controlling, whereas you are showing yourself to be unnecessarily rude.

OP has literally said in the first post that she would not tell her children her feelings and that they have no interest so far like many people into having children and also like many people OP isn’t waiting and hoping for the day she becomes a grandparent. It might shock you but there are many people who don’t care either way if they become grandparents or not and also have the ability to feel either the same or differently when the time comes.

OP knows she doesn’t get a say if they have children BUT she does get a say in what type of grandparent she chooses to be if they do decide to have children.

Ah I don't live under a rock, nothing shocks me in today's world. Just because they haven't said anything doesn't mean it is not in their plans! What child tells their parental everything??

See below

Wow self centered and selfish right there. Thinking about yourself.

My mother refused to visit for more than a few hours when our baby was born. (I hoped and expected she would come for at least 1 night.) Not ‘to help’ but to spend time together. She doesn’t work, has plenty of time, doesn’t really see friends.

She’s stayed alone with our baby once for about 2 hours. She hasn’t been supportive emotionally. He’s 9 months now.

So yes, you can be this disengaged as well. I love the idea you have ‘everyone gets help.’ I can assure you they don’t.

~ "However, if you decide to do the minimum, you can expect that to colour your DCs attitude if/when you need help in later years. There are many threads about that on Mumsnet - "why should I help my parents when they have spent all their time/money on holidays and done nothing to help us?" ~

To that train of thought: your parents raised you, with all the time and money and sacrifice that entails. Paid for your education through college most likely as well, so isn't all of that enough to warrant help in their elder years if need be?
And if that doesn't sway you, just know that the inheritance you may well be counting on will be going toward their care otherwise.

I think that about covers it.

Women don't have to be martyrs to their adult children. Sometimes it's perfectly ok for women to think about themselves.

@Reallyneedsaholiday not unreasonable but maybe a little blinkered! I'd love to see my 2 grandsons more often but my sons is a1½ hour journey(I have no car) and he works shifts (also he and his wife are separated). My 3rd grandson I haven't seen since he was 2. Long story but my DIL has turned out to be a complete and utter b*h, he is now 6. I've never been asked to babysit any of them and it's a bit disappointing tbh.

I think if you do have GCs you will be surprised at the joy of having them around, but then I was a mum for whom the school holidays were great - I never wished DCs back to school like some mothers I heard.

You can have grandchildren and not provide childcare, weird to wish you don't have any for that reason. Who's to say your kids would even want you to provide childcare, you don't sound very maternal so I doubt you'd be their first choice tbh. Of course YANBU to want a life of your own.

Mine actually do 😂

I doubt I’ll be “surprised” by it, I love all kids anyway. I’d just quite like to enjoy being selfish for a bit first 😂

Having said that, children do go to school so it is for 4 years max. Also most 3yo benefit from their free nursery hours.

Go for it, life is short, none of us know what is around the corner and lots of other cliches. Maybe phrase it as enjoying a different stage of life rather than being selfish as it can easily include some form of giving back to society. In any case it will make you are more rounded grandparent able to model different aspects of life to any gc that come along.

Agree but if a grandparent feels obliged to offer equal help to all their children then there can be a preschooler in the family for many years - there's 25 years between my gran's oldest and youngest grandchildren (17 in total! - she never did childcare). But it's where the stress for my other relative started - offered to look after one granddaughter (only child) and then her other child had 3 boys a few years later that she then felt obliged to also look after.

Also, in our area, the nursery places are all taken by children in their care from the baby stage (most start 9-12 months). Very few places if you want a place for the first time at age 3 (have to join waiting list and wait for someone to leave). Appreciate it might be different in other areas though.

Is this a serious post?! 😂

@Mummyof32023 Tell me you use your childrens grandparents for free childminding and babysitting, without telling me you use your childrens grandparents for free childminding and babysitting. 😂

This is mad. My parent and in-laws have done none of those things. They just get to do the nice bits of coming by to visit to hang out with their grandchildren. Don’t get me wrong, I would love some practical or financial help, but it is never offered, which is fine. We’ve occasionally asked for some help when we were stuck eg when I had surgery and was in hospital for 10 days. They won’t look after the kids when they’re ill, in case they catch it. Hard for us, but fair enough. You’re not obliged to do any of the stuff you don’t want to. Don’t worry about it and if they do have kids just gently set your boundaries and don’t offer more than you’re happy to give.

YANBU to feel this way right now. You say ‘I’m looking forward to having a life for myself when they move out’ and that’s the crux of it all. You’re exhausted from bringing up your own children and ready for a break.

If they move out and you have some proper time to re rebalance and catch up with yourself you might find that you then look forward to having little grandchildren.

But boundary-setting for granny life starts now, I’d say. Slip in the odd comment or anecdote about a friend whose exhausted because her kids take advantage of her and over-use her for childcare and how it’s not working for her but she feels to guilty to say no, etc. Another anecdote about a friend who’s got a really lovely relationship with his kids and grandchildren. She doesn’t do regular childcare - they pay for nursery - but she has the grandchildren for some lovely treat days (ie on her own terms and to suit her) and it works really well for all of them. By slipping these stories in now, obliquely, you’ll start paving the way of their expectations.

You are confusing two things :

the number of children your children have and when they have them - their choice

and

the help you offer them and the boundaries you put in place - your choice.

Fwiw we never had any help from grandparents on either side. Someone I know absolutely martyrs herself to her grandkids, always dropping what she is doing to pick them up from school or look after them at short notice, plus giving their parents money.

Could you not have said YANBU without absolutely slaughtering the OP? That was just nasty.

How is that slaughtering? It's an extreme response to wish away the existence of grandchildren on the theoretical and unlikely change you'll be asked for childcare which you are perfectly within reason to say no to.

Why are you being so dramatic? And yes you were nasty. Maybe you missed the OP saying this.

I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it