Not wanting grandchildren

[Reallyneedsaholiday]

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

???

@thisisfrommathilda · 09/07/2025 18:44

I hate that old crap, well if you don't do childcare don't expect me to look after you in your old age. Your parents brought YOU up, looked after YOU, do you expect them to do it twice and look after your kids aswell before you would give them a hand out when they are old?

This. ^ It's just plain nasty isn't it? Even so, I don't expect my DC to look after me when I'm infirm and very old. But they would probably want to help as I actually raised them, loved and cared for them, and gave them the best life and best opportunities for over 20 years. To say you don't deserve help when you're elderly, because you didn't want to be full time childminder to your grandchildren, is a despicable thing to say.

The level of entitlement from a few posters on here is off the scale.

Parents on both sides are more hands off. They are very lovely, but it has always been clear that my parents and ExHs parents would not be providing childcare in any way shape or form. We go and visit a few times a year (we live away) and it is very nice but no more than that! For the very first time this year my Mum looked after my 11 year old for a week in a bit of an emergency but she only did that as DD is older and easier to deal with. Childcare is so expensive now I am glad my young child rearing days are over as for a lot of people having grandparents involved may be the only way they can have children!

Let's talk generations, my parents had children 50s/60s my mum was sahm because that's how it was, no mortgage no expensive cars, wide-screen tvs , no holidays, we had the bear minium, she looked after the home and children dad went to work,

Next generation, me, mortgage, holidays, both working full time, I had no grandparent support so I worked nights while h worked days, we managed

My point is, that I do think there is an expectation for grandparents to step up or in as this generation has the big mortgages big careers, so yes I get it when nursery fees are what they are along with after school programs,
My daughter became quiet poorly after second child, lost her driving licence, unable to work so yes I helped out alot, I was working full time too, of course wouldn't have had it any other way,

Op has seen many of her friends step in and quiet rightly is thinking about her future as she said she has plans, and that's great, I have said before, do as much as you want like, support children were you can , but it's OK not to be so involved too, I had no choice but that's life, if we could all be sahm we wouldn't be having this conversation now,

Op was asking , never is she expecting her children to support look her in later life it's not tit for tat,

I think all of this has opened an interesting debate. It is good for us to hear different views as much of the time we mix with people with a similar mindset to ourselves. Reading the title my first reaction was to disagree with the OP, as the thread has continued I probably actually agree with much of what she has said.
I would not want to offer childcare for more than one day a week even if my grandchildren were near enough for me to do that. But I will help as much as I can in bursts when we can travel to them. And if there was a crisis of course I would travel to them. Not because it is a duty but because I would want to. One of the hardest things is not being closer to help more but it does mean we can please ourselves a lot of the time as far as semi retirement allows.
I do not agree with the transactional attitude that grandparents should offer childminding then be owed care as they get older. I truly hope, and will do all I can to make possible, that my children’s last memories of me are not of someone struggling and in need of more care than is dignified.
What was maybe missing in the first post was the absolute joy that grandchildren can be and that grandparenting can be.

You will probably find that your disinterest will drive a wedge between you and your own children. No parent wants their children to spend time with someone who doesn’t want them or who has no interest Grandparents don’t need to be substitute childcare. How unfortunate for the future children that you have already set out your stall. Fine to be selfish but don’t expect your children to do anything for you when you need some help

Obviously yours, many people would love to be a grandparent and don’t get the opportunity.

It seems to me that there is a stigma if you are an older women and are not interested in having grandchildren, or taking care of them if you have them. I think that mostly the stigma for women who don’t want children is largely past, but we’re still left with the notion that a woman who isn’t desperate to have grandchildren and devoted to any they have, is weird.

Maybe it's semantics which is lost on a dyslexic person like me. But I don't see how it's my business to want or not want grandkids? Look after them is different to not wanting them. The having them exist is none of my business to choose.

I had four kids so I fulfilled my own need for babies and kids I don't feel any urge to live that via my kids. I don't feel stigmatised saying that.

It's more socially expected to relive your youth when your kids grow up and live your best life ever.

Exactly this. Of course, no-one gives a shit if men don't want grandchildren. And also any caring duties and babysitting/childminding of grandchildren will be done largely by the grandmother, never the grandfather. Maybe the two of them together sometimes, and her alone sometimes, (probably more often,) but never just him.

@StrikeForever and @BatchCookBabe i don’t think anyone is saying women have to be desperate to enjoy being grandparents or have to enjoy child care people are just saying that if that is the attitude to adjust the relationship the children and grandchildren will feel accordingly. i had two very different types of grandmothers one got a call still once a month even when she had developed dementia and i would talk to her on the phone, the other gets 2-4 phone calls a year. not bitterness i just don’t feel much of a connection with her. perfectly pleasant and polite when i see her in person. i just feel i don’t really know her and know she does not care about me or know me so i don’t make the effort.

It might never happen, so no point worrying about it until then.

Do remember too that mumsnetters are not representative of normal people, there's a loud contingent of extremely over entititled "progressive" champagne socialists who are basically clueless about the real world who push the mantra that everyone and their granny (literally) is responsible for looking after their children.

In the real world, people mainly sort it out themselves, though some grandparents are indeed put upon and wind up dogsbodies to their own kids and grandkids.

I think of them as the Ednas of the world, as I knew one (just one) gran called Edna that this happened to when my kids went though school. Her ungrateful, selfish daughters turned her into their kids' carer during school time, and she had her senior years stolen from her by them. Last time I saw her it had been going on for 10 years and she was in her 70s and looked exhausted.

But a few well placed comments and having decent boundaries will stop any of that nonsense if it comes up, it's not actually a normal expectation that grandparents regularly babysit, only on this site.

I think that's really sad. Everyone I know grandchildren are one of the best parts of their lives. You don't have to do childcare if you don't want to, most people do it because they want to and enjoy it. My parents always ask for my DC to go over.* *

You don't have to do any of those things you've raised your children and are not obligated to look after grandchildren it doesnt make you a bad grandparent, I plan to do the same when my youngest are grown by that point I'll of been a parent for 39 years of my life ( oldest is 21 youngest 10 weeks ) I think ill deserve some me time .

For me, to “want” something, is an active thing. I “want an ice cream”, I “want” to go to the theatre. I “want” grandchildren. Many of my friends don’t just “want” grandchildren, they really, REALLY “want” them. Child grows out of toys - put toys aside for potential grandchildren. Child reaches 18 - ooh, I’m looking forward to be a grandparent in the future. Child find a long term partner - yay, when am I going to be a grandparent. Etc.
And it’s just not something that I’m “eagerly awaiting”. I don’t “want” them, in that sense. I don’t “not want” them, at some point in the future either, I’m simply enjoying my life as it is, and frankly enjoying a bit of freedom and being able to do what “I” want (at times anyway) without wishing it away and taking on another “role” as such.
If any of my children turned round to me tomorrow, and told me that a grandchild was on the way, I’m sure I’d be delighted. I know that I’d love them. I’d be as involved as my children wanted me to be. I’d support them in any way I could, as I always have done, always do and always will.
Its just not an active “want” at this stage of my life, whereas it seems to be for so many of my peers.

That's visiting, not childcare.

"I’d be as involved as my children wanted me to be"

OP I would disagree with this - be as involved as you want/feel able to be. I've seen several family fallouts from grandmothers taking on more childcare than they could cope with. It all seemed a lovely idea with a cute little baby but fast forward to looking after several toddlers and preschoolers and the reality can be very different. My relative used to describe Tuesdays as her 'day off' as on the other weekdays she had 2-3 grandchildren each day to look after. She was so stressed but would not say to her children. And then it all blew up one day and caused a massive rift.

I'd be particularly wary of ever offering regular childcare to enable the parents to work without fully thinking it through. Often nurseries have to be booked during pregnancy in many areas to get a place - so a grandmother suddenly announcing that they can't look after a 3 year old anymore can leave families with no childcare. And private nurseries are often open 50 weeks a year, 8-6. Are you willing to offer those same hours? Only take holidays when the parents do? It's a big commitment to take on.

You don’t need to want grandchildren, it will either happen or not. Just be loving when you see them and don’t tell your kids you don’t want grandchildren. My mother in law didn’t want grandkids and told me when I was pregnant that I was selfish making her have them. I explained that she didn’t need to see them or care for them. She never did. In fact the first few years she was down right horrible to my daughter. It wasn’t until my husband said he would have to stop visiting if he couldn’t bring his family without her being plain nasty that it stopped. We moved away and my kids don’t want contact with them. I guess it worked out for everyone.

I say you are incredibly selfish. This isn't about you and, in fact, you dont get a say wither or not they'll have children. Its about controlling them isn't it because you dont want grandchildren.

No

It’s definitely not unreasonable. I would just set your boundaries early if you should ever be in the position. Having said that, my own mum was horrified at the thought of being a grandparent. She really didn’t want to be one but I lived 100 miles from her so no one was too convcerned… . Until the day my son arrived.. she turned in to the soppiest, most doting grandmother there ever was, I could barely keep her away! The boy is 20 now and they still have a lovely relationship. Just play it by ear. Whatever transpires in the future just make sure it works for you as it’s not something you have a say in whether it happens or not!

Yes you do. She can choose whether she is provides child care or not. It shouldn’t be a given.

You can live your life however you want to. Same as your children. You didn't have them so you could look after their children anymore than you had them to look after you when you get to old to look after yourself.
We live in a society that isn't family orientated now. Many parents. Should never have been parents. They had kids because of obligation more than want.
It's ok for you to move on now and leave them too it. They too may realise this withdrawal. And match that energy.
Enjoy your retirement. Live a little. Bringing up kids is not easy. The things you had to give up just to raise them.
Enjoy your hardworn freedom 🎉

I don't think you're alone at all, in your feeling that, after raising your kids, you just want to live your best life for a while. At least, unlike my mother, you've waited until they're actall grown up and haven't just left them to fend for themselves at age 12. She's always been a selfish and massively abusive narcissist and that's why I now only visit her about 4 times a year in the care home she's lived in for nearly a decade. My son's paternal grandparents, whilst not abusive, have always very much put themselves first, to the point that they now only see my son once a fortnight, if their son can be arsed to have him for 6 hours on a Sunday. I guess they're too busy providing free childcare twice a week to their other grandchild, who isn't AuDHD. The fact that their son was abusive towards me and they can't bear to face it (I've never shoved in their faces but wider family have witnessed) probably has a bearing on that too and the less they see us, the less they will be confronted by what a heartbreakingly hard job I have on my hands, while their son tries his best to rewrite history and shirk every responsibility going. Not that I had great grandparents but they did seem to be more involved and way less selfish than nowadays, and this is echoed by many friends of mine.

Tell your kids! Tell them your plans! Its up to them to look after there own kids. Who is to know where you might move. But also don't expect them to look after you in your old age