Not wanting grandchildren

[Reallyneedsaholiday]

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

Have considered persuading them into a religious vocation? Any daughters to the convent, and any sons to the priesthood? Might solve this issue.

That was kind of my point. I have no idea how much time I’d want to spend with hypothetical grandchildren, I’m just not in a huge rush to find out 😂 like so many of my friends are. I’m really enjoying this part of my life and finding out who I am outside of being a wife and a mother. I don’t feel as if my life is missing “something” without grandchildren in it. If I DID have grandchildren, I’d probably feel differently, I hope I do anyway, but right now, I’m just not counting the days until one of my children gives me a grandchild.

😂🤣😂🤣
I’d pay good money to see my son as a monk - although his hair is getting there 😂

I’m with you 100%. I have absolutely no wish to have grandchildren and so far I am fortunate that I don’t and it looks like it’s going to stay that way.

i worked with someone who felt just the same, she had grandchildren but told me she had no intention of cutting her working hours

i will do what i can if asked, absolutely, i am excited to be a grandparent

You don't have to do any of that! We live a long way from both parents. They come, stay in a hotel, do a lot of touristy things as a couple and cuddle the baby for an hour a day. They do tend to get over excited in the toy shop. They don't do any baby sitting and we're financially independent because that's how they brought us up. They've done their time and they're all too old for serious child wrangling, it wouldn't be fair on anyone

you don’t have to be involved with grandchildren’s life if you don’t want to. really i do think most kids get it if parents are just not that keen on helping with the kids. just don’t be offended if the other grandparents do help out and they see the kids on a more regular basis and are closer more involved in their lives.

The points re the relationship you'll have with your children / grandchildren down the road are fair. As someone else said, it's not about transactions, it's about the relationship you build and the signals you send out to others. I think alot of people are in total denial about the realities of extreme old age, especially the dependence on others for practical & emotional support day to day. 'I want to put my version of self-fulfilment before helping out family in challenging times' thing is very much a two edged sword.

As an aside I see this with my ex inlaws, who were always pretty self-absorbed / hands off. Now the kids are teens / preteens and don't really know what to say to them when they visit. I don't see them having much relationship long term and it's a shame.

The main issue with grandparents results from their own children having kids they are unable to support unaided whether that be financially or logistically.

I would never have had our DS until I knew that DH and I were totally self sufficient and wouldn’t need any assistance whatsoever from anyone else.

Once you are in that situation then any relationships with GP or anyone else for that matter is based on people wanting to help and be involved rather than needing to be. That takes away all the pressure.

We have far less GP involvement than most people we know but at the same time are far more comfortable than most as we are not reliant on anyone else.

I feel a bit sad that this is your attitude, my aunt has been estranged from her grandchildren due to a messy divorce involving her son. The grandchildren aren’t in contact due to mums alienation of them from our side of the family. My aunt was an amazing gran until this all happened.

Sounds as though your life is already about to ”just me” i.e. you.
You don’t want grandchildren means you don’t want your children to have children. No care for how they feel. Or their partners. Or their partners’ parents. Or the grandchildren themselves.
Me, me, me.

Enjoy!! I’m sure your grandchildren will love you too.

I’m sure they will, thanks

I have no idea who said that, but it wasn’t me.

Who’s attitude are you referring to?

Exactly, you put it much better than I managed to.

I’ve got several grandchildren and I’m only in my late 40s, I still have teenagers at home and I also work and have hobbies.

My ds has high expectations of me as a grandparent and I just can’t do it all as I’m a lone parent too with no extended support network myself.

My ds has a very chaotic life (he does work full time) but just can’t stop having kids and as a result he and his partner are overwhelmed and disorganised. Yes I do help, I’ve just had two of the gc for two days and nights so the youngest could be born and I regularly have his eldest (who doesn’t live with them) at the weekends.

Ive had to put boundaries in and say no to the endless babysitting requests, I’m exhausted and I just want to go off by myself and do all the things I want to do when I do get some free time.

I love them all but I just can’t be the grandparent my own kids expect me to be

Bless you, that’s hard! It’s the “mum guilt” isn’t it? Don’t want to let your children down, but damn, it’s exhausting at times.

I think perhaps your first post came across as more anti-grandchild than you actually are. You’ve described friends effectively providing full time childcare, or being impatient to become grandparents as soon as possible, both of which are pretty extreme examples. It’s perfectly reasonable to say that you don’t want to do that. I’m wondering if perhaps you’ve just heard so many people obsessing over grandchildren you’re starting to think that that is normal and you are different? The more of your posts I read the more I get the impression that actually you’re just enjoying your life right now as it is and don’t wish to change it to the point where grandchildren are your primary focus, but would still happily be involved if they do come along. That sounds pretty healthy to me.

My MIL has provided childcare on an ad hoc basis but never in a regular arrangement to support us working (that’s what nursery is for). She was quite involved in the newborn stage due to me being disabled and needing extra support. But she is off on several holidays a year and very active with hobbies and charity work. She is adored by all her grandchildren.

You don’t have to do that. You never have to do more than you want to.

IME everyone I’ve ever met who describes themselves as having spent their entire lives looking after others or as someone who just ‘gives and gives and gives’ has…….been viewed rather differently by others.

I was a carer for a parent (changing adult nappies etc) from my mid teens until they died, then I had children to care for. I wouldn’t say I’ve spent my entire life caring for others; I’m not a martyr and I’ve done only what I was happy to do.

You're obviously not alone and I don't think you're unreasonable, but I am a very commited grandmother and I wouldn't want it any other way. No need to congratulate me, no need to call me unreasonable either, it's just how it is, how I am. It's the life I want, and you can have the life yóu want. We're all our own person.

Thank you for understanding.

my colleagued worked full time til 67, she was sad she couldnt see her grandchildren more, but saw them when she could, and has a great relationship with them

@thisisfrommathilda I didn't say it was the same thing, and I never said grandparents should provide full time childcare either.

You won't change my mind on the topic. If you have children, you should help them if you are able. Regardless of how old they are. Opting out of helping your children purely because you want "me time" is selfish. That doesn't change simply because they are adults.

And please don't pull out the "health/work/distance" etc. arguments, because they don't apply - if anything is preventing you helping that's just life. If you are choosing not to help that's a really unpleasant attitude to have towards humans you chose to bring into the world, and I can't see any defence for it.