Didn’t get promoted and am devastated - please help

[downcast]

I’ve been in my current role for nearly three years. An opportunity to apply for promotion came up recently as two staff left, and my manager strongly encouraged me to go for it, which I did. Given his encouragement and the fact there were two roles I felt I had a good chance. However, after not hearing back for several weeks after my interview I was told that both jobs went to external candidates and am completely devastated. I adore my job, felt ready for more seniority and opportunities like this come round quite rarely as it’s a smallish company.

My manager is now saying he wants to give me feedback as he wants to help me progress my career, but that doesn’t ring true when he’s just given not one but two jobs to other people. I know my experience more than matched the role - it was a small step up in seniority but not by much. I also believe I’m good at my job - I am experienced and consistently get excellent feedback from clients and managers. I put in huge amounts of effort and some unpaid overtime as I have a genuine passion for what I do.

I’m at a loss over how to respond, as I can’t face the sort of meeting he’s proposing when I feel so deflated and frankly heartbroken. Listening to him explaining why I didn’t get the role will just feel like another kick in the teeth and I’m not sure I’m strong enough mentally to deal with that right now. I’ve been on the verge of tears in the office for the last week and am struggling to feel engaged in my work. I also feel quite depressed. What would you do?

I’d be looking for a new job. Somewhere that recognises and appreciates your talents. Are there promoted posts elsewhere you could go for? It sounds like your current employer takes you for granted.

Hi @downcast
Further to suggestion to look for another job, you have said you have been floored by this, blind sided even? I would stay put and process.

Let your boss know you have really invested in the role and promotion and need time to comr to terms with the outcome. You would appreciate feedback, perhapd you call the shots on timing (when uou feel ready). You can then decide your response (not react when upset).

It is heartbreaking when you are so invested. Do you have any annual leavr you can take, to consider your next step?
X

Thanks for replying. I really like the company and saw myself staying here for many years. But equally I feel so upset and almost like I have to do something. I don’t really want to meet with my manager because as I say, I don’t feel up to it mentally. But I worry I’ll look petty and unprofessional if I say no.

That really really sucks op and must feel very disappointing, but perhaps the other two candidates were stronger than you, even though you were also a very strong candidate. I'd advise you to listen hard to the feedback, take as much on-board as possible and then look for a better role elsewhere.

I’d look externally. At best they saw two candidates and thought they could sort it that day and not need another round of recruitment to replace you. But worst, they don’t rate you.

You need to take the feedback, if only so you can use it and smash an interview somewhere else!

That sucks. Maybe the new people just interviewed better than you on the day? Its hard interviewing people internally as they know you and all your experience, it's easier to big yourself up when they know almost nothing about you. As PP say take some time off, get the feedback as it will be useful if you want to stay or go, maybe it could be in an email if you can't face a meeting?

Without feedback you can’t know what went wrong. Feedback will also help you in other job interviews so do sit down with them and find ou

I will go in different to other replies. Is the jump to the next level a large one ? For example will you manage people gaving never done so? Ir other thuings similar. If the others have this experience then it is a risk to hire you.

Book a feedback meeting and listen to the feedback. Ask where you could have improved your answers and take this on board.

I did this and when a new opportunity came up 2 months later I did get the promotion in a different area of our business. I k ow I am a much better fit here then where I previously were as a manager. I would also have said I loved my job.

Feedback can be a opening to develop yourself.

I'm sorry but that's an extreme reaction to not getting a promotion, a week of being close to tears at work ? Struggling to engage with the job you love? Disappointed is understandable, devastation is ridiculous and your behaviour is bordering on unprofessional. Your manager felt you were ready to apply, that doesn't mean you had the job, just that you had a good chance. As it turned out two external candidates had more to offer. Feedback will likely show what extra they offered that you didn't and give you targets to aim for.

You need to listen to the feedback. It’ll be hard but it’s going to tell you what you’re not steps are. Your manager encouraged you to apply, so if the feedback is something that is quite vague like the other candidates were better, it’s going to tell you that they just don’t value you and you need to look elsewhere. If the feedback is that your work is great but your interview wasn’t, you need some interview coaching. If there are specific processes that you weren’t able to prove, you need to use the feedback meeting to ask for a mentor.

If your manager gives some constructive advice and offers solutions to those (such as a mentor) then casually look and if something better comes up you can apply for it, if not you can stay. If they have encouraged an application and offer no help as to how you get to the next stage, start seriously looking.

Leave - this happened to me and I was then asked to train up the person who would be my manager. Don’t allow this, Leave.

My manager is now saying he wants to give me feedback as he wants to help me progress my career, but that doesn’t ring true when he’s just given not one but two jobs to other people.

Whether you want to hear feedback has to be your decision, but whether you have worked there a long time, have worked hard and are really good at your job, you were never entitled to be "given" the job and he didn't "give" the jobs to other peopel - other people performed better than you in their interviews.

He encouraged you to apply, he has shown support, and he says he still wants to support you. If you want to disbelieve that then that is also your choice. But whilst I understand your disappointment - been there, done that - you are acting like a petulant child blaming him for not "giving" you the job.

I think you’re right to be upset but you’ve only got 3 years experience and have NO idea about the other candidates who got the job, maybe they’ve got more qualifications or experience and if you don’t have your feedback meeting - generously offered - youlll never know. Drop the entitlement and go learn what you can for next time.

Well it could be worse... my DH was told to apply to the new lead positions when they restructured the company. Not only did he not get the 2 he applied for, one went to an external candidate who was awful and the other to someone who didn't even apply!!!

Go and speak to your boss and listen to the feedback. If you think it is bullshit then start applying for jobs elsewhere.

How do you know the two external candidates weren't more experienced than you?

I’d take the feedback, even if only to strengthen your understanding of where you need to work on/focus on…and then take that feedback, work on it and leave. I think it’s disappointing when your loyalty isn’t rewarded or is taken for granted. But deffo take the feedback as it’ll help you in the long run in your career.

New job. You won’t feel the same again here. Know your worth and best of luck.

You really must take the feedback. I know it feels personal but if your manager is offering it, there’s a reason why this did not happen for you and he wants to tell you what it is.

There are a lot of overqualified people chasing jobs at the moment and it could be as simple as the firm wanting specific skills on the payroll it doesn’t currently have.

Of course, look for another job. But how you respond to this setback will define your career if you don’t find one. I’ve had a good career but I’ve had several of these moments and they are awful. But not throwing your toys out of the pram when it seems impossible not to is the only way to safeguard everything you have built so far.

Don’t flounce.

Nobody likes to be told that somebody else was thought to have better skills than them.

The fact that your manager wants to give you constructive feedback is a good
thing and shows that they care about you reaching your potential.

We all need to learn to take things like this gracefully and not behave like a child by appearing bitter or jealous (not saying you personally would).

”If at first you don’t succeed, try try try again” has served me well. I speak from experience- I had a few career setbacks as a result of not making the grade but I kept
at it and took all the feedback I could get.

As a result, I’m now where I want to be.

Good luck for the meeting- appear grateful (even if you don’t feel it) and take the feedback on board.

I second broadening your prospects and looking elsewhere, and completely understand the disappointment.

However, I think you need to take the emotion out of this a little bit, and ultimately it would be helpful to know your manager’s feedback. Keeping these high emotions at bay about work is never a bad idea. It’s business and it’s transactional.

Was it just them making the decision or was there a panel?

Unfortunately some companies decide that they want to keep you in a current role that you are good at rather than consider your long term development.

In which case it is always better, if you want to progress, to look for a new role somewhere else.

I would still hear the feedback they want to give you as you should be able to workout whether they are fobbing you off or have genuine points to make and the will help you decide whether your future is with the company or not.

This is very helpful advice, thanks everyone. Perhaps I’m a bit too invested in my job and that’s why it has hit me hard. I feel like I’m a failure.

Your manager obviously thought you were good enough, but the other candidates turned out to be even better. That might be because of the experience they were able to bring from outside your company, or it might be because they sold themselves better in the application and interview.

I've always been advised that when applying for something internally, you still need to present all the things that make you an excellent candidate in your application/interview - you can't assume that the panel will take into account things you don't mention. They may not be allowed to; if they appoint you over someone else who then accuses them of discrimination, they may be expected to be able to show why your application (rather than you yourself) was better.

You don't have to have the feedback now, when you're still feeling raw, but it may well be worth talking it through later. There may be all sorts of useful tips - bits of experience you could have used to your advantage in the application or interview. Your manager wants to help, and make sure that next time you come out top!

I'd go, even if it's hard, to know their reasoning. For me, I was terrible at interviews and didn't realise it. It was something I could improve on after feedback and a really important skill to get a job but nothing to do with the content of the job. It's a horrible feeling though!

Op you’ve taken this extremely hard, do you struggle with rejection and setbacks etc in general? Are you still quite young? Interviewing is basically strategic and a lot of people (like myself, because of loads of setbacks) have become absolute professionals at it. You focus a lot on your investment to the company etc but a good recruiter will judge everyone the same on the day and if you’ve gone in over confident, assuming they know everything you do etc, someone external could easily score way higher just because they sold themselves like an unknown person. It’s obviously disappointing but to be on the verge of tears a week later means you’re dealing with this with the wrong type of attitude if you want to progress.

You’re clearly competent and dedicated. Pull yourself together, accept you didn’t make the cut this time and use the disappointment to make sure you do next time. Get the feedback, make a plan and start moving forward. The career ladder is a school of hard knocks, we’ve all been there. You’re taking this way too personally. Brush up on your interview technique and your resilience. You’ll smash it next time, in this company or elsewhere.