Didn’t get promoted and am devastated - please help

[downcast]

I’ve been in my current role for nearly three years. An opportunity to apply for promotion came up recently as two staff left, and my manager strongly encouraged me to go for it, which I did. Given his encouragement and the fact there were two roles I felt I had a good chance. However, after not hearing back for several weeks after my interview I was told that both jobs went to external candidates and am completely devastated. I adore my job, felt ready for more seniority and opportunities like this come round quite rarely as it’s a smallish company.

My manager is now saying he wants to give me feedback as he wants to help me progress my career, but that doesn’t ring true when he’s just given not one but two jobs to other people. I know my experience more than matched the role - it was a small step up in seniority but not by much. I also believe I’m good at my job - I am experienced and consistently get excellent feedback from clients and managers. I put in huge amounts of effort and some unpaid overtime as I have a genuine passion for what I do.

I’m at a loss over how to respond, as I can’t face the sort of meeting he’s proposing when I feel so deflated and frankly heartbroken. Listening to him explaining why I didn’t get the role will just feel like another kick in the teeth and I’m not sure I’m strong enough mentally to deal with that right now. I’ve been on the verge of tears in the office for the last week and am struggling to feel engaged in my work. I also feel quite depressed. What would you do?

I personally couldn’t stay somewhere like that. Imagine if you have to train up the new people!! I’d take the feedback out of interest but be actively looking elsewhere.

This happened to me in my old company and was part of what prompted me to leave. The feedback was that I did very well and they were planning to promote internally but the external person was so good they had to hire him for the company. I wasn't the only disappointed internal candidate and would have been fine if it had gone to someone internal as it was a very specialist area and lots of people had the specialist knowledge and performed well internally and were on the right path. The person they hired was a really nice guy, but didn't have the specialist knowledge and has not picked it up as hoped, and several of the experienced team have left the company, so they're in crisis. I feel sorry for everyone all round. In this case a high performing specialist team basically got told they had no future in their current role.
I've also experienced a different team where an outside person has come in and been an absolute breath of fresh air and I've learned so much from them, so sometimes it's a benefit all round. However in this case there wasn't a set of people who were in natural progression for the role so it didn't cause huge demotivation and detachment.
I'd say listen to the feedback and see what happens. But also maybe start working on your plan B at the same time. If it's feeling too soon to hear it, ask your manager for a few more days before meeting. Consider all of this as information gathering to inform whatever you do next.

I would add.. don't ask what your faults are or feedback on yourself, hold them to account.

If you say no, it will justify their decision not to give you the promotion.
You need to talk yourself down from your highly emotional state, attend the meeting, listen and process.
THEN, decide what you want to do next.
Good luck! x

I worked for a large organisation for 5 years, consistently over achieved, received awards at all hands meetings from both inside and outside of my own team, received positive feedback from customers despite being non customer facing as I always put in extra.

I didn’t get the promotion I went for despite doing far more above my role than most of the panel.

I immediately started looking, been in my current role for 3 years, earn 20% more than previous role and work with the most amazing people who see my value.

i would leave in your position and never look back!

They are awful aren't they. They really test how good someone is at interview prep for standard competency based questions. There's so much on AI and the net that interview panels must be hearing the same rehearsed answers over and over.

For me a lot depends on the type of company it is.

i worked in a school for many years. They were obliged to interview for promoted posts (head of year etc) but it was an open secret that many of these posts were created for people and in fact management and teachers both talked about this openly - oh, Freddie has too much to do now he’s stepped up and taken on responsibility X so we’ll create a new post for Dave to take on Y.

They always interviewed for them (legally you have to) but it was generally made very clear in advance who was expected to get it and I don’t remember it ever not happening.

by contrast, sometimes it genuinely was an open contest.

if I’d been asked to apply by my manager I would have assumed it was the first case not the second and I’d be very very upset that others got a shoe in and I didn’t.

if you are sure it was a fair interview process then consider asking for written feedback.

either way it’s time to move on.

I would take a few weeks before deciding whether your manager wants to keep you where they are to make their life easier vs they just chose the people who performed best on the day. Either is possible. If it’s the former, you may need to move to progress as you deserve. But see what your manager has to say first, if they are genuine they will take concrete steps to help you progress in the company, improve your CV and take on roles to give you great competency examples in future interviews. They’ll help you look for opportunities not necessarily in their team but also more broadly. If they don’t do that use the feedback to smash an interview elsewhere!

This is your big opportunity to ask them to fund any additional training that would help you progress.
If the other candidates have masters degrees and you haven't then ask if they can fund that.

Apologies if I’m repeating anything but have t read all the replies.
I’ve been in a very similar situation, OP - with a company for five years, knew it inside out. Rare chance of a promotion came up and I went for it, felt the j review / presentation task went well - but wasn’t offered the role. I took it really hard. Had to make the same choice - stay and feel slightly embarrassed for a bit, or find something else. I stayed. Helped the new hire settle into the role and committed to learning from them - they didn’t have the same experience as me, but did have a lot of knowledge in other areas. Committed to learning from them and started an external training course. A year later, I applied for a much better role at a different company, got the job, and haven’t looked back.
In your position, I would ask for your manager’s feedback points in an email. Give yourself some time to consider / add your own thoughts to them and then arrange to meet and discuss. See it as a learning & development opportunity. See where you could use some training, and go for it. In time, hopefully you will see that this gives you a good boost / jolts you out of your comfort zone and lets you push forward - either with this company or another. It’s easy to get complacent or think we know everything about a job or company - but there is always something new to learn…

Hey OP, I've been there and it really sucks. You need to take the interview feedback even though you don't feel up to it - maybe you could ask for it in writing 'for your records' but actually so you can process it on your own time?

Then use the feedback to get another job. I'd say it's time to move on.

Listen to the feedback and be prepared to ask yourself if the manager does actually have some valid points.
Your reaction over something that wasn't guaranteed is probably a bit OTT.
Learn from this.

Listen to the feedback also be honest with yourself, how did the interview go, really?

Take feedback on board and then yes, use that to go elsewhere. Also, stop doing unpaid overtime! they don't derserve your loyalty.

this.

This happened to me twice in my last job. The first time I felt I could have maybe prepared better for the interview so took it on the chin and learned from it.

The second time I resigned as soon as I was told I didnt get the job . It became very clear that it suited the organisation for me to stay in the same role. I was reliable, worked hard, trained up new staff frequently and did the job really well. The person that got the post had only been with the company 3 months (I had been 5 years). They ended up being very unreliable as they went of sick so often.

It never occurred to my manager that I wouldn't want to stay in the same role any longer. Get the feedback and if its nof fair move on to a new role.

Feedback is a gift @downcast and you can choose what you do with it.

The other candidates were stronger than you - it's important to find out why. It may be that the selection panel felt they needed new blood - so you can be that new blood elsewhere.

But first, get some feedback from your manager to help you in your new job search.

Sorry OP. Going for an internal promotion can be tough as you can have all the skills and demonstrate potential but all it takes is an external applicant who is actually doing that job. This happened to me. It turned out the external applicant was doing the exact job somewhere else and wanted out of their company. Impossible to compete with. I agree with a previous PP who said this style of interview scoring makes it harder for internal candidates to move up.
In the end I left. I found it much easier in interview to ‘sell’ myself to people who didn’t know me and I got a higher paying role this way. I was gutted to leave, like you I thought I never would.
I was glad I got the feedback, as it helped me understand that it wasn’t my poor performance but someone else’s greater experience. The feedback will hopefully give you positives too so it may make you feel better.

Leave and tell your manager your looking for another job and will be working to rule and wont be working unpaid overtime, life is too short, when i was young this happened to me and then they would expect me to train the new people who got the job, i handed in my notice and the top man said no you cant leave we wont be able to cope and we will promote you, i said no im leaving

It might he something as simple as interview technique, OP. There may have been something they were looking for you to say that you didn't.

Having said that, I have worked somewhere where internal candidates were strongly encouraged to apply with a bit of a nod and a wink that the job was theirs when it came out afterwards that they had no intention of hiring internally but had/wanted to be seen as being fair.

I'd listen to the feedback and go from there. You'll know if what they're saying is accurate or not.

Yep. This. Totally agree. OP milk the feedback for all it’s worth, take it on board and use it to move on to a better role - maybe with a competitor ? It sounds like you do a great job where you are and you’re being gaslighted into staying put because your experience and application to the work would be difficult to replace.

Get the feedback and use it for helping you to get a job with a different company. When you leave, explain the excellent feedback helped you succeed in achieving the new post.

Try to avoid tying up your self-worth with work. External validation won’t make you happy.

They want you to stay in that role as you’re a safe pair of hands. chances are you’ll be expected to support the two new members of staff to get up to speed. I’d listen to feedback but scrutinise its quality.
the ‘I want to see you progress in your career’ is a platitude.

Turn up with a plan to get the promotion. You sound very defeatist. They will be noting how you deal with setbacks.

When I was trying for a promotion, it was noted that I kept up my work and enthusiasm despite the promotion taking longer than I wanted.

Feedback gives you a better chance next time, you have to take it. Just listen politely and try not to be upset. It's likely that you were seen as a good candidate but the external candidates brought something you didnt have. That might be more experience, a different perspective, just better presentation. You need to find out.

This is your catalyst for change.
it doesn’t feel like it now but this is a good thing.
Update your CV and get interviewing.

similar has happened to both me and my DH.

i was overlooked for promotion and the man they gave it to was a lazy odious toad… I found out he got the promotion because he had a counter offer. I interviewed and got the counter offer job he rejected and it changed my life…
Like you, I was also over invested in my job at the time and it hit me very hard. I was a bit of a mess looking back.
A year later I was so happy it happened. I actually got promoted again 9m in so my salary went up 40k (doubling in ONE YEAR)
I’d still be rotting in that shitty place with the rest of the team (a decade on most of them are still there)

re: your boss
turn up and nod and smile. Play the game…
he’s had 3 fucking years to develop you into the next role up….take any external courses that are useful but beyond that I wouldn’t pay much mind to what he has to say