Didn’t get promoted and am devastated - please help

[downcast]

I’ve been in my current role for nearly three years. An opportunity to apply for promotion came up recently as two staff left, and my manager strongly encouraged me to go for it, which I did. Given his encouragement and the fact there were two roles I felt I had a good chance. However, after not hearing back for several weeks after my interview I was told that both jobs went to external candidates and am completely devastated. I adore my job, felt ready for more seniority and opportunities like this come round quite rarely as it’s a smallish company.

My manager is now saying he wants to give me feedback as he wants to help me progress my career, but that doesn’t ring true when he’s just given not one but two jobs to other people. I know my experience more than matched the role - it was a small step up in seniority but not by much. I also believe I’m good at my job - I am experienced and consistently get excellent feedback from clients and managers. I put in huge amounts of effort and some unpaid overtime as I have a genuine passion for what I do.

I’m at a loss over how to respond, as I can’t face the sort of meeting he’s proposing when I feel so deflated and frankly heartbroken. Listening to him explaining why I didn’t get the role will just feel like another kick in the teeth and I’m not sure I’m strong enough mentally to deal with that right now. I’ve been on the verge of tears in the office for the last week and am struggling to feel engaged in my work. I also feel quite depressed. What would you do?

Deep breath, professional head on and take the feedback when you're ready. Your reaction is very strong and likely completely inaccurate - you're not a failure. The most likely reason is that the other candidates were a stronger fit and it will be helpful to know what areas they exceeded in so that you can work on those and your manager can support your development, whether you end up progressing in your current company or elsewhere. To have gone to pieces so much perhaps shows you weren't as ready as you thought. It's not all about swotting for interviews and being told you're the best (not a criticism of you, often women are taught to judge their worth by this kind of external validation), it's getting your capability to the next level so you can cope with more stressful senior roles. The first step is getting past these tears from the hurt and the imagined reasons and getting to grips with the actual reasons and real situation. However invested in your career you are - and I'm deeply invested in my own - it's still only work and it's good to get some healthy perspective so you can be more strategic about your next steps and start feeling more positive about it all.

Have the feedback session! I got knocked back twice for the role I'm in now, and after a feedback session, I knew exactly where I needed to improve on my interview questions/demos and was third time lucky. Sometimes, it's such a simple thing, such as needing to expand more.

It is perfectly possible that you are good at your job and appalling at interviews. I can think of two people I have worked with closely who were excellent workers (I was their line manager), but atrocious at interviews so got “stuck” at one level. I couldn’t understand why until I did some mock interviews with them and was absolutely shocked by how bad they were - you would never have known working with them day to day, and it didn’t reflect their abilities at all.

The feedback might be really helpful. You can ask your manager to defer it until you are in a better place to take it in, but I would take them up on it.

If your company uses competency questions and a ranking system in interviews, as many do, internal candidates can really lose out.

This is because you go into the interview knowing the people who are interviewing you, knowing they know you, and so you assume that they will draw on that knowledge of you when making the hiring decision. So you often don't mention that big project you did or all the support you've been giving to the more junior members of your team because you know the interviewer already knows that. Internal candidates therefore tend to give less detailed answers and to be less specific about their experiences and achievements, and even though the interviewees may know full well you have the competencies they're ranking, if you don't explicitly say it, they can't score you for it.

Then the external candidates come in and give a brilliant interview that ticks off the competency boxes - and they get the job over you because on paper they're better. Even if the hiring interviewer knows you'd be brilliant for the job, HR wouldn't let them give it to you if the paperwork shows you rank lower than the other candidate.

It's not fair, but it's how things work these days.

See your manager and get the feedback. It may well be that you didn't interview very well and there's some really simple techniques you could learn to improve for the next time there's an opportunity. The company has to be fair to all candidates who apply and they can't favour you just because you're internal and a known entity.

If the feedback you receive is vague or unhelpful and you feel that you've been shafted, then at that point, I'd be looking elsewhere.

However, for now, I'd chalk it up to experience, hear what my manager had to say, and be open-minded about the fact that perhaps after only three years there is still more I can learn in my current role before getting promoted. If you really enjoy your work and love your team, I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater just yet.

I'm sorry for your disappointment - I've been there and I know it hurts.

I would go and listen to the feedback. Although you feel let down. Treat the feedback as a positive thing. You need to hear their reasons, and find out what they see as a reason not to choose you for the job. Ask as many questions you need Maybe one of them will leave, and they will see you as some one prepared to take feedback onboard, and offer you the next vacancy.

It wouldn’t have been a promotion strictly speaking though if you had to interview and there were external candidates. Promotion in my world is where you just get offered it. The fact that they external at the recruitment stage should have told you that they had doubts in you and that you would really have to pull it out at interview. If you just went in the interview and didn’t pull out anything above and beyond what they already know of you/ what you are delivering then the other candidates would be stronger.

you need to retain your professionalism, look for another job externally/ hope another role comes up internally and learn from the feedback.

I agree with this. Being a bit cynical, they probably realise that you are a big pair of shoes to fill at your grade. Promoting you would have created another vacancy which might be harder to fill.

Take the feedback but start looking elsewhere. Manager talk is cheap.

its absolutely normal to feel how you’re feeling but I wouldn’t rush to leave the company
listen to the feedback and create a development plan so you’re ready for the next time a role comes up
if your interview finished early I would assume (I do lots of recruitment, but am making an assumption of course) you may not have answered questions fully where perhaps others did. Did you ask lots of questions at the end? How was the general rapport in the interview and was it just your manage interviewing?

You could have been the ideal candidate however the external candidates had more experience or additional quals that made them more experienced but don’t let that put you off.
learn from them and focus on how you can improve your skill set so you’re ready for the next interview whether at this company or somewhere else.

you are fortunate to enjoy your job, so many threads on here people hate what they do. So don’t rush to leave just take some time to process the disappointment

He is offering the feedback as a sop to make himself feel better about his decision, which is a poor one. Put a meeting in the calendar for a few weeks time so you have time to process. You call the shots. You let them know professionally that you are surprised that your efforts are not valued and you are questioning your place in the company and long term opportunities. Don't say any more than that - leave them to stew.

Take the feedback - You need it

A

I think you should say yes to the chat and that you’d like some time to reflect on the experience yourself first - and schedule for a couple of weeks/a month off. You’ll feel differently in time - less raw and likely to cry - and your boss may have some good advice for you. Give yourself time to be in the right mindset to hear it.

I always respect people who go for opportunities whether they get them or not. I’m a hiring manager and it’s worth remembering that not getting a job is more often about the other candidates than you. Your boss will have been thinking about the skills and personality balance across the whole company - the externals bring something you can’t bring; a new outside perspective, and perhaps your boss thinks that’s what the company needs now. It doesn’t mean you’re not brilliant at your job!

The other thing to consider sadly is that your boss may have preferred a new person because promoting you means replacing you and in a small company recruitment is a huge resource burden.

Given you feel ready for new challenges, looking for other opportunities seems a good plan, too. But frame it positively: you’re excellent at what you do and this disappointment has shown you how much you want to progress. There are always options and opportunities for hardworking people like you.

Take the feedback. I did, I now have the job. I did nothing wrong, I just didn’t word things exactly how the score card needed and someone scored how than me. That was literally it. They’ve now gone, I’m doing the role.
Without the feedback and going through the wording, same thing could have happened again.

I disagree. I would listen to what your Manager has to say. Maybe you didn't come over well at the interview or the other candidates had more qualifications and experience. But it is disappointing. But sometimes people make fundamental mistakes in interviews, say the wrong thing and they are totally unaware. Don't make any rash decisions.

You need to get the feedback. Your manager thought you were sufficiently credible to apply for the role but that does not mean he thought you were the best candidate. You need to find out what your development areas are and how to smash the next interview. It’s disappointing but you should not take it so personally and get too emotional over it, it will cloud your thinking. Try to reflect on things dispassionately - you’re great in your current role but what would you have needed to be great in the new role? Often it’s not the same skillset/experience. Bearing in mind that LinkedIn jobs have over 100 applicants within a day of a new job posting, you can’t afford to be complacent and assume progression within the same organisation.

I would presume it was down to their performance at interview being better OP. It is very unfair, to outsiders, to give the job based on any thing else. He will give you feedback on interview technique. Ask to see the scoring system.

@downcast

Some years ago I had 4 posts to appoint to, same job and level. We had 2 of our temps apply, one did an OK application, enough to scrape into the interview being generous. The other did an outstanding application. They both did appalling interviews. In fairness to other candidates we couldnt give them the jobs. It was very disappointing for all of us.
The one who did the outstanding application really listened to the feedback, applied for a similar role in the team within 6 months, walked it and was promoted less than a year later.
The other one moaned and whinged about not getting 'his' job. He eventually did get a job and was promoted but took several years because he wasn't open to the feedback.
Meet your manager, listen and move on to the next opportunity

It's normal to offer feedback, not a sop and none of us know if his decision was a poor one. OP will know more if/when she gets the feedback, but while she's still in a state about it, I'd be very wary of responding in the way you suggest. However professionally she puts it, it's not professional or productive to react that way and 'leaving them to stew' is not a mature strategy either. If she did this, I'd think it'd confirm that they made the right decision.

I had this and I still feel they wanted the equally strong external candidate AND me so they kept me in my current role and employed someone over me for the more senior role. I think they were betting on me not resigning (one of the panel told me it was part of the discussion). Its rubbish but you either have to accept it or move. For me (I'm a teacher) I decided to follow other paths in the school to build up my career and am happy I did. I think that if that isn't an option for you you should look at moving on, it's really hard seeing the new person in the role you really, really wanted and deserved.

Absolutely take the feedback that is offered, thank your manager for it, and take it on board for the future. A few years ago a good friend at work was encouraged to apply for a proposal that everyone thought she was guaranteed, but she didn't get it because they said her response to one question was so much weaker than the other candidates that they couldn't offer her the position without it looking like favoritism. However, they found a way for her to get the equivalent promotion within a year, and i think part of that is because she didn't sulk or complain, she took the knock-back on the chin and carried on working hard.

Good luck.

Go for the feedback, it might help you to get a better job elsewhere.

In this instance I would go for feedback as it might give you answers to why you did not get the role. It could also be bullshit but either way it may help you see your future path there more clearly. It does strike me as strange that you were kept hanging for a few weeks after interview. Was this because of a delay in interviewing others or did they offer the jobs and get the onboarding process in motion before letting you know you were unsuccessful. In other words were you a reserve in case someone pulled out. Although difficult you need to take this graciously. It does no harm to look around and see what else is out there maybe there is something better waiting for you and definitely stop doing any unpaid overtime.

Compose yourself and take the feedback. I would also be trying to find some strategies to improve resilience; this is a really extreme reaction to a very normal situation.

Take a few days off to rest, process what happened, look after yourself and think what you want to do next.

Maybe it wasn’t convenient for you, or something better is waiting for you.

Nobody died OP. Take the feedback and use it