Didn’t get promoted and am devastated - please help

[downcast]

I’ve been in my current role for nearly three years. An opportunity to apply for promotion came up recently as two staff left, and my manager strongly encouraged me to go for it, which I did. Given his encouragement and the fact there were two roles I felt I had a good chance. However, after not hearing back for several weeks after my interview I was told that both jobs went to external candidates and am completely devastated. I adore my job, felt ready for more seniority and opportunities like this come round quite rarely as it’s a smallish company.

My manager is now saying he wants to give me feedback as he wants to help me progress my career, but that doesn’t ring true when he’s just given not one but two jobs to other people. I know my experience more than matched the role - it was a small step up in seniority but not by much. I also believe I’m good at my job - I am experienced and consistently get excellent feedback from clients and managers. I put in huge amounts of effort and some unpaid overtime as I have a genuine passion for what I do.

I’m at a loss over how to respond, as I can’t face the sort of meeting he’s proposing when I feel so deflated and frankly heartbroken. Listening to him explaining why I didn’t get the role will just feel like another kick in the teeth and I’m not sure I’m strong enough mentally to deal with that right now. I’ve been on the verge of tears in the office for the last week and am struggling to feel engaged in my work. I also feel quite depressed. What would you do?

This is actually the heart of the matter. Why indeed. I suspect there’s something going on that’s nothing to do with you at all. Either way this is quite perplexing behaviour.

There was a brilliant thread by someone in a similar situation. She was a real work horse and the promotion went to someone else. So she just mentally switched off and stuck to carrying out her role, no extras. Company folded. I'm in that situation now and I will never do more than I have to now.

@wizzywig thanks - don’t suppose you have a link? My attitude has been to do even more than I have been, to try and prove them wrong. But perhaps I’m a mug.

Be careful that your determination to prove them wrong doesn't lead to you training the people who were given the roles. It's an easy trap to full into and your manager has laid the groundwork.

I would be reading my job description, doing my job with no extras and looking for another role. They appear to have no respect for you.

Is there anyone in your organisation that stands out as a real leader- one who is really good at training people, does well in their own careers and well respected and well connected across a number of departments?

I've been where you are and a few things that helped me:

• Keep doing what you are doing - any change doing less or trying harder or any negative reaction won't help. It will also be noticed

• Realise that you can lose out for reasons that are beyond your control - the other person was better, political reasons, there's no succession plan for you, personality clashes etc

• Work on the feedback you have been given. It doesn't matter if it's accurate or perception. You may think you have sufficient experience with X, you may even have, but if they think you haven't then you need to close that perception gap

• Have you ever interviewed anyone yourself? If not, try to get on interview panels internally given if only to observe. It will change how you interview

• Have you interviewed recently with a recruiter? It might be worth getting independent feedback on how you home across? If there are any gaps etc.

• Since I stopped caring so much about getting promoted my interviews when better. I focused on doing a good interview that left a good impression and realised that what I wanted to do was position myself for this job but also for future ones if I wasn't successful on the first occasion. It's more of a marathon than a sprint sort of mentality.

@DoYouReally thanks for taking the time to write that. I found it very helpful.

Keep doing what you are doing - any change doing less or trying harder or any negative reaction won't help. It will also be noticed

I’ve been trying harder - I felt I was giving it my all before all this tbh, but am now trying even more. Is that a bad thing? I’m beginning to think it might be as I’ve tried so hard over the past few years and it hasn’t got me anywhere.

Start by asking HR. Say you were disappointed not to get the promotion, but you've discussed it with your manager and the areas you need to improve on (don't mention that you don't agree with everything he said, just thst the process took place,) and you think it would be helpful to get some support from someone else to give a different perspective and help you develop.

If HR won't help, there might be external organisations which can - I mentored someone in a completely different organisation through Aspire (her career is doing far better than mine!) Asked on LinkedIn. Are there any professional organisations for your field? Or if you're in a union - mine can advise on career progression- they've an online library of resources.

You are obviously doing well at your role or you would have had feedback stating otherwise.

If you are doubt anything outside your role, you need to be doing it with a clear benefit - is it either bridging a gap that you need to bridge or is it giving you greater exposure to people who have influence over your career.

If it doesn't serve a purpose and direct benefit for you, then don't do it. You can't end up being the dumping ground for extra work, only take on challenges that benefit you - make decisions more purposely.

It sounds like you are in a situation where you are already working hard - probably technically very good. You need to document the difference between the role you are currently doing and the role you want to get....see which of these things you can do and which you need to get - for example, if you will be managing a team but haven't do it before, are they opportunities to manage a project or are there newer staff you can mentor etc which helps close that gap/compensate for experience gap etc

Moving up the ladder doesn't equal doing more. I would advise you to reconsider your work boundaries and make sure that you are not providing free labour or working over capacity. This is not team playing and it sets others up to be unfavourably compared.

I would recommend applying for roles elsewhere as practice. If you are successful you can learn the skill of gracefully declining but you might also feel ready to move. It is easier to be neutral if you apply for roles you're not so invested in and can practice applications, interviews and feedback sessions more neutrally.

It is not a reflection on you as a person but on your professional profile. If it was suggested that you lack skills in an area you feel you are skilled at then it may suggest your boss doesn't know you (which is poor) and had no intention of recruiting you. Or you invest so much beyond the expectations in your current role no one else will match that and they know it.

Carefully wind back this over-investment, reset boundaries, acknowledge your worth and review your commitment to a business that isn't matching in their commitment to you and your long term development.

Realistically it might be helpful to ask your workplace what they are now going to do, to keep you. Your skills can be useful elsewhere and you are naturally disappointed that you seem to have been set up somewhat for a fall as you were encouraged to apply.

Agree. Also, these new people might have much more experience than you, so I think you also need to accept that this could be as simple as "the better person won" Focus on you, and move on from this specific situation

Op, please never base your self worth on what others think. Are your managers or interviewers that important to you that you are willing to burn yourself out or change parts of yourself? What if the interviewers change? Will you then change tack? You're on a hiding to nothing.

As a few other posters have commented, your boss is completely out of order! First he encouraged you to go for it. Then puts you on ice after the interview, before eventually letting you know. Then reluctantly gives you flaky feedback. I daresay, he was deliberately cruel!
I reckon 'offering feedback' is a just an empty platitude to make themselves look good and feel less guilty. They most likely don't want to give feedback and hope you don't take them up on it.
By all means keep an eye out for alternative employment, just don't jump from the frying pan into the fire.
Also, don't ease the newcomers in by training them up. And stop doing unpaid overtime!!!!!