Didn’t get promoted and am devastated - please help

[downcast]

I’ve been in my current role for nearly three years. An opportunity to apply for promotion came up recently as two staff left, and my manager strongly encouraged me to go for it, which I did. Given his encouragement and the fact there were two roles I felt I had a good chance. However, after not hearing back for several weeks after my interview I was told that both jobs went to external candidates and am completely devastated. I adore my job, felt ready for more seniority and opportunities like this come round quite rarely as it’s a smallish company.

My manager is now saying he wants to give me feedback as he wants to help me progress my career, but that doesn’t ring true when he’s just given not one but two jobs to other people. I know my experience more than matched the role - it was a small step up in seniority but not by much. I also believe I’m good at my job - I am experienced and consistently get excellent feedback from clients and managers. I put in huge amounts of effort and some unpaid overtime as I have a genuine passion for what I do.

I’m at a loss over how to respond, as I can’t face the sort of meeting he’s proposing when I feel so deflated and frankly heartbroken. Listening to him explaining why I didn’t get the role will just feel like another kick in the teeth and I’m not sure I’m strong enough mentally to deal with that right now. I’ve been on the verge of tears in the office for the last week and am struggling to feel engaged in my work. I also feel quite depressed. What would you do?

I agree with @YourSnugHazelTraybake. I’d course it’s disappointing that you didn’t get the promotion but you will never know why unless you ask for the feedback. That should make you better able to succeed next time.

On the occasions when I have failed to get promotions, the feedback offered has generally been helpful. Sometimes it has been simply that the competition was better. I can think of two occasions when I failed to get my boss’s job. On both occasions I knew I could have done the job perfectly well. However, once the new people started, I could see why they had been chosen over me!

I’m sorry you didn’t get the role. There can be a big difference between doing your current job very well and being ready for the next step, and it’s possible that came out in the interviews vs more experienced candidates. In my work there are many people thinking they are ready for the next step but they don’t appreciate what they don’t know about what that job fully entails.

You absolutely should go for the feedback meeting - you’ll never know what to work on otherwise. It’s ok to say to your manager that you’ve taken this hard and will find it upsetting. Maybe resilience was one of the areas they weren’t convinced on?

You can be upset or you can get to work - channel your emotion into building your skills or preparing for a new role somewhere else, but either way get his feedback.

This is a really extreme reaction. Just because you do well in your current role and you have potential doesn’t mean that you were able to demonstrate the skills for a different job in interview.
He’s trying to help you see where the gaps are and what you need to work on by providing feedback. If you refuse this it looks petulant and entitled. He’s not done anything wrong, so I can’t see why there’s such negative comments saying you should leave!
By all means take time to process the rejection but sit down professionally and listen to him. If you’re on the verge of tears over an interview for this long, perhaps it was the right outcome and you need to work on your resilience before you go for promotion again.

I’m sorry you have had this knock-back. I would echo others to take the feedback and be graceful about the situation, not least because it is perfectly possible that one of the successful candidates does not ultimately take the job, or alternatively one starts but doesn’t enjoy it and moves on quickly, and then they might come and look to you to step up. Particularly if at that time you can say “I listened to your feedback and have sought to address it by doing X since the interview”.

Good luck.

I once interviewed people for a role and we had a couple of external candidates plus one internal. I knew she would be great at what for her would be a promotion role. However, she went to pieces in the interview and fluffed the task. On points, she was by far the weakest candidate so we couldn’t give her the job.
She was gutted to say the least. In my feedback, I was very honest with her about why she was unsuccessful. I know she hated sitting there listening to me but it stood her in good stead the next time she applied for an internal promotion. She sailed through the interview and absolutely shone out.
sometimes internal candidates can be a bit blasé in interview because they think ‘well this person knows me, knows I can do the job’.
I suggest you set up the meeting with this person, take notes, ask for their advice moving forwards then try to let it go.

Go, and as well as getting feedback make sure it’s a feed forward meeting. Ask exactly what you need to do to put yourself in the strongest position, what opportunities are likely to come up in the next few years given the strategic direction of the organisation (read the strategy), ask for leadership or other relevant training. Use it to your advantage.

The reason you didn’t get it may be nothing to do with your own skills. The externals may have been appointed because they’re very well connected in the industry, the boss’ brother in law, play golf with the MD, have experience in a part of the business it’s difficult to recruit to…etc.

A more senior colleague years ago told me to take the emotion out of it and at the time I thought what stupid advice.

its a really the best advice ever . It’s work op it’s not personal , you aren’t a better or a worse person because you didn’t get the job, you are tying your self worth into work , that way madness lies.

Get the feedback.
It's possible you performed really badly at interview without realising.
Find out what the issue is and then you can address it.

I’d get the feedback first, it could be constructive about your interview style, it could be about things you could work on going forward.

if after the feedback you still feel aggrieved then look for another role.

My husband went for a job a few years back where lots of his now colleagues who were internal and had well over a decade of experience went for the same job. They were more than a bit miffed he got the job over them but my husband had twenty years of extremely high level external experience, the job was a few steps back from his existing job, a job he had been head hunted for and had been offered other high level jobs at the same time.

But my husband really wanted a change due to life circumstances of a seriously ill mother, the job on offer gave tonnes of extra days off and flexibility which was a significant personal motivation going for it.

His competency was never remotely questioned when he actually joined up and he regularly gets asked to participate in meetings by much higher ups that he has no business being involved in at his level so they can pick his brain.

Point being this might have absolutely nothing to do with you. The other candidates might have had something on offer that was beneficial to the organisation over and above what you can offer.

Please go and listen to the feedback. Or ask them to provide it in writing and read it at your own leisure if easier.

One guy in my team applied for a promotion, he was more than ready, very capable. He tanked the interview. He was lucky that the other candidates were poor, otherwise I would have been forced to give the role to someone else. Apparently he was embarrassed to showcase his experience because I was already aware of his work.

OP get the feedback, try to view it as what you can do differently for another interview (if you go external) and what you can do internally.

Ask for a plan to be put in place. If your boss says you need more experience or examples in Z field. Straight away ask to put this in a plan and how they can support you to get this. Put pressure on your boss to support you and grow.

You have two options here to be blunt; wallow and let your performance drop or stay stagnant. Come out of this and use it as motivation to come back fighting.

You don’t mention how you felt the interview went OP.

Unfortunately there is a tendency for internal candidates not to prep as much as external and not answer as fully. The interviewer is obliged to go with the candidate who performs best on the day and scores highest for the question responses. I would get the feedback and try to learn from it.

Unpaid overtime rarely pays off, they are more likely to see this as a reason to keep you on your role.

Get the feedback, consider moving.

You need to listen to the feedback, you can’t judge it before hearing what is said.
maybe the external candidates were better suited and it’s just unfortunate timing, or maybe they weren’t and you would be better suited and then you can make your decision whether to move based on this.

being able to accept and listen to constructive criticism or feedback is part of moving up in your job and gaining seniority.

Accept the offer of feedback. Take it on-board. Use it to secure a more senior job in a different organisation asap. Do not stay. Your employer has shown they don't value you. If you stay, you will be telling them that you agree.

I have been in your shoes too many times. I know the feeling.

You either suck it up or you look for a new job. I would personally talk to the manager to see how much sense the feedback makes and if it is bollocks I will just look elsewhere. If the feedback makes sense I will work on the feedback.

It is just a job. It is there to pay the bills. Chin up! It is not the end of the world and ultimately it is all a learning curve. Take the experience and move on!

Good luck!

Oh dear.
You may have interviewed well, but people with more experience who interviewed better simply out performed you.
That's life.
I think you need to work on your resilience here ....

How have they not valued her?
Better candidates turned up.
Its a business at the end of the day.

Recruitment is expensive and time consuming whilst training new people or letting them find their feet especially for a smallish company.
Internal promotions leave your job role unfilled and so they’d then need to start the recruitment process again - for someone who self admits they work unpaid overtime and do an excellent job. You also love your job so maybe didn’t come over as strongly motivated to change roles?
it sounds to me like they found people good enough for the senior role from external candidates and so decided to keep you where you were.
But maybe your manager wants to help you for future interviews so definitly take the opportunity for feedback, learning is never wasted.

How did you perform at interview? In my organisation, it all hinges on that - even though they know perfectly well your skills etc, if you don't put that across well enough at the competence-based interview, you won't get the job/promotion.

I would definitely take the feedback. I've been in this exact position and feedback on my interview performance really helped.

Almost certainly what happened is that they saw two strong external candidates and didn’t want to lose them. Chin up OP, book a feedback meeting when you’re ready and see how you feel after that. But please leave this until you’re feeling more on top of your emotional response.

A slightly similar thing happened to me when I in my 20s & hungry for promotion. I was very upset. The people who got the promotions I felt I did just as good a job as them & one case definitely better imo. I was told there was only two roles & they had to pick two & on paper they more experienced. I felt like one of them got it because the mgr afraid of her reaction if she didn't tbh!! I did leave soon after for a better paid position & I did re-iterate my disappointment in my exit interview as I had loved working there up to then. Later when I was a mgr recruiting myself I got to understand from the other side how hard it can be too & face challenges from staff who don't get the jobs!!
So DO get the feedback & tell them how you feel & if you feel you'd be valued better elsewhere start looking.

One thing that jumps out at me from your OP is that you say that after a few weeks of not hearing anything you were told that both roles had been given to external candidates.

This sequence of events doesn't reflect very well on you or your company.

I get the impression that you felt like it was a done deal, or at least that you deserved the promotion because your manager knows what you're like and that you've put the hours in, and so after the interview you just sat back patiently and waited for it to be confirmed. If you'd gone for a new job somewhere else, what would you have done after the interview? Would you have sent an email thanking them for interviewing you and saying you hoped they would give you the opportunity to prove yourself in the role? Would you have chased up after a week if you hadn't heard back? Carrying on with your day-to-day job and not saying anything for several weeks even when you were working with the hiring manager and so presumably seeing the decision-maker every day is a little odd. It strikes me as rather passive.

It also doesn't reflect very well on your company, or at least on your manager. If everything you say is true, that you've been working really hard towards this opportunity, putting in unpaid overtime, and your manager has been impressed enough with your performance to encourage you to apply, it's quite shitty of your manager to leave you hanging for weeks when they knew the jobs were going to external candidates. Your manager should have taken you to one side as soon as the decision had been confirmed and said something like, "Sorry @downcast, I just wanted to let you know that you didn't get the job this time. I know how disappointing this will be for you and I'm sorry I can't give you the news you were hoping for, but we do have to appoint the best candidates to the roles and on this occasion there were two better candidates. I'll give you some time to process this news and then as soon as you're ready, let's have a feedback session so I can explain where your application fell down compared to the other candidates and what you can do to maximise your chances of getting the next promotion opportunity that comes along, whether that is within the company or externally."

In any case, pull yourself together, take the feedback and act on it. And then apply for a better job elsewhere.

I think that the fact that you are so disappointed, that it has really upset you, shows that more practice in applying and interviewing for jobs is needed. Take the feedback offered when you are ready, and start actively looking for jobs to apply for externally.