Didn’t get promoted and am devastated - please help

[downcast]

I’ve been in my current role for nearly three years. An opportunity to apply for promotion came up recently as two staff left, and my manager strongly encouraged me to go for it, which I did. Given his encouragement and the fact there were two roles I felt I had a good chance. However, after not hearing back for several weeks after my interview I was told that both jobs went to external candidates and am completely devastated. I adore my job, felt ready for more seniority and opportunities like this come round quite rarely as it’s a smallish company.

My manager is now saying he wants to give me feedback as he wants to help me progress my career, but that doesn’t ring true when he’s just given not one but two jobs to other people. I know my experience more than matched the role - it was a small step up in seniority but not by much. I also believe I’m good at my job - I am experienced and consistently get excellent feedback from clients and managers. I put in huge amounts of effort and some unpaid overtime as I have a genuine passion for what I do.

I’m at a loss over how to respond, as I can’t face the sort of meeting he’s proposing when I feel so deflated and frankly heartbroken. Listening to him explaining why I didn’t get the role will just feel like another kick in the teeth and I’m not sure I’m strong enough mentally to deal with that right now. I’ve been on the verge of tears in the office for the last week and am struggling to feel engaged in my work. I also feel quite depressed. What would you do?

I would delay getting the feed back a couple of days as you will feel most raw just after you've got the news. But do go and get it afterwards in case it is helpful. I would be clear it isn't necessarily about you but the circumstances- I once applied for promotion when there had been a decision made to basically prioritise external candidates, which I was unaware of. Had I applied before or after that recruitment round I may well have gotten the promotion but as it stood I didn't even get an interview. Like you I was angry and upset. I moved elsewhere and got my promotion. I was told afterwards about the external candidates thing and that my manager was sorry I'd left as she thought I was great. But all a bit too little, too late.

These things happen - use it to build your resilience and as feedback. I would also be honest (not too honest!) about my feelings with my manager - noting you feel upset partly because there won't be another opportunity for a long time now, you'd planned to stay a long time as you love the company, but now you feel like you will need to consider leaving, which isn't what you want. Perhaps your manager will be able to offer you something.

You really do need to hear what he has to say. Something resulted in external candidates being selected over you, despite your strong performance in your current role and your managers view you were a suitable applicant, and you need to know what that was.
Most likely explanation is simply that the successful people had even more experience than you, and/or gave a stronger interview performance with fuller or more relevant answers to the questions, and so scored more highly. If your employer operates a certain selection process, it is likely they treat all interviewees as equal and only score on interview performance, and make their decision strictly on the scores. (Personally i think this is flawed, as it can disadvantage internals who can't embellish their experience, but that's by the by).
It sounds as though your manager is genuinely trying to help you here, so I think you need to attend that meeting and learn why their decision went the way it did. You should recieve advice on how to fill in any gaps, and hopefully development opportunities to do this, and guidance on how to best sell yourself in interviews. You can obviously take it or leave it, but it seems a bit counter productive to ignore the advice of a person who chooses people for roles.

I’ve been there - not nice.

But - listen to what he is telling you. He wants to help you progress your career. He sees your potential. This is a good thing.

You can’t change the hiring decision. But you have a great opportunity now to show him you are professional, committed to the work, keen to learn, to take on more responsibility, and to accept his guidance. That will put you in a strong position for next time.

Other opportunities will come along, or the new hires might not work out. If you go into this feedback meeting and show clearly that you are ambitious and willing to take feedback to grow professionally, you’ll make a great impression.

Best of luck.

Agree 100% on this. I recently did an interview to get in a panel for a job I know I could do with my eyes closed (20+ yrs experience in a fairly specialised area) & I completely failed the competency based interview I was not prepared for - far too complacent & just so long out of practice with interviews!!!

I agree with a po who said its difficult sometimes when you're internal because they know everything about you so it can be difficult to sell yourself as you think they already know the answer. Is your boss normally supportive and genuine? If so I would take this as an opportunity to improve in the future on whatever went wrong. Its more likely to be about interview technique as if he thought you didn't have the skills for the job he wouldn't have encouraged you.

It's fine to be honest and say something along the lines of you're really disappointed and worried you'll get upset so although you'd like feedback please could you wait a few weeks til you feel better about it or could you a summary in writing first so you can get your head around it a bit before a discussion

This happened in my company, where a role came up and my colleague applied - kind of already assuming she would get the job because she'd worked there years and her manager had also told her to apply.

The role went to an external candidate.

Part of her feedback was that she didn't try hard enough or show enough enthusiasm in the interview.

They felt the external candidate was much better prepared for the interview and really showcased themselves / what they would bring to the role. They had lots of ideas for things they would implement in the role and how to improve the team.

Whereas my colleague went in with a 'the job is as good as mine already' attitude. She relied too heavily on 'i have so much knowledge of the team and how it works, I will slot right in', rather than focusing on what could be improved.

I think 3 years is not that long to expect for sure a promotion. Also, the fact that you aren't strong mentally to take feedback would tell me that you are not ready for more responsibility if I were your manager.

Perhaps the external candidates do really have more experience than you. You could wait and see if the new people will last or you could just find a new job if this is unbearable.

I've also been rejected for promotions, my manager wanted to promote but not the CEO, then when I saw what they hired (external candidate) that person was really much more experienced than me and we get along.

I would try to go to the meeting. I was the manager in your situation, there was a promotion opportunity in the team, I encouraged one of the existing team to apply, and then gave it to an external. It was a really tough conversation. But the internal person just did poorly at interview particularly on their understanding of what the promotion meant more broadly rather than specifically in the job itself. I made the right decision, although the internal could have done the job the external was great. I set up a development program for the internal and they got a promotion the following year.

I’d also be looking for a new job. Your manager likes you where you are, doing what you do, going above and beyond so bringing in external candidates to do the senior job that you can support as they find their feet is the easiest option for them. You deserve better OP. I’ve had the same happen to me and it felt humiliating at the time but looking back it gave me the impetus to move on, I’d become too comfortable in my role and I was ready for a new challenge. It will pass, but for now, channel your anger into a job search and don’t do any more than you need to at work, you owe them nothing.

Yes - they use a points/rating system for how well you demonstrate you meet each competency, and if someone scores higher than you overall, they will get the job. It's not personal.

I'd also add, it's always wise to manage expectations in any application process as no matter how good a fit you are, you can never guarantee another candidate won't have some USP or bredth of experience that the panel can't turn away. They may have been perfectly happy to recruit you, had the extra amazing person not shown up. So cautious optimism is the most you should ever allow yourself. Managers who lead you to believe a job is yours are very remiss also, as until they've seen everyone they can't know if they're going to be faced with an external applicant too good not to recruit.

if you can’t handle the feedback meeting, maybe your not ready for the promotion?

i have interviewed and failed team members who I think are good at their job - but the process has to be fair and if someone better applied they get the job. I work in an area that is strong on ethics and I have my own values to uphold. I hope my team knows this and understands there are no favours in this process.

go for the feedback. I know it’s hard but listen to what your boss says, how you can improve going forward. If after that you don’t think you can stay then look around.

abd if you feel ready for the next step you should already be looking for opportunities. This feedback will help with that process.

Absolutely this! Take the feedback and don’t show how knocked you are. You have to be seen to be determined about it. I did similar last year…went for two internal roles and didn’t get them. I took the feedback, I didn’t sulk or show how pissed I was (and I was! believe me!) and then got it the third time. Trust the process @downcast.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/work/5367912-job-went-to-another-internal-candidate-how-to-move-on?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

read this. The OP got a lot of good advice

Take his feedback then use it to search for another job

How you handle this rejection professionally will impact your future at this company. Have a breather, book a meeting for feedback in a week or so. Go from there. It's horrible but don't let a disappointing experience turn into a damaging one. Probably best not to view any internal promotion as a given especially when open to external candidates too, i.e. do your best, hope for the best but don't over invest emotionally.

You're not a failure OP. These things are hard to deal with.

I think it would be beneficial for you to have the meeting with your manager, because it will help you clarify your future with the company. If they can point to specific, achievable objectives which stood in the way of your promotion this time, and give you a roadmap for how to reach a promoted position within the next couple of years, then you might feel it's worth sticking around to work on those objectives.

If on the other hand the feedback is vague or you feel you could have done the promoted role competently but were simply not the preferred candidate, that might clarify for you that it's time to look for a new position elsewhere. Some companies can get too comfortable with keeping their employees where they are instead of nurturing talent and bringing you up through the ranks. If that's what's happening here, you need to go where you're appreciated.

If you truly can't face the meeting with your manager then it's time to start looking for jobs elsewhere, because it shows the relationship has broken down and you won't feel trust or support there again.

Keep your chin up - this could be the threshold of a far better opportunity.

Thank you again for the excellent tips. I felt the interview went well - I did a lot of prep beforehand and was aware that internal candidates can fall into the complacency trap, so had that in mind and tried to avoid it. The interview was meant to be an hour though and only lasted 45 minutes, which gave me alarm bells.

I’m not young (early 30s) but what a previous poster said about tying self worth to my job definitely resonated. I feel I am guilty of that.

I did email my manager to say thanks after the interview but didn’t chase them after not hearing for a while as I’ve been advised that it’s not a good idea (and won’t change the outcome anyway). Perhaps I should have he’s busy and I thought it was better not to hassle him!

The higher you are in an organisation, the more you need to process bad news. As a manager you need to cope with keeping the team motivated during redundancies, keep going while things are falling apart around you, deal with underperformers and much more. So if I were you, I would take the feedback and start looking externally. If this disappointment has floored you so badly, you need to keep in mind that in a higher role, you would be facing difficulties and disappointments all the time. Are you ready for that?

You can be too good in your present position and your manager likes a safe pair of hands.

Someone on here said the quickest way to progress in the civil service was to hop between jobs. Private/public/private/public and so on.

I am a great believer that feedback is a gift. You should take the meeting.

I just missed out on a promotion, another person scored higher than me. They had more points for certain words / descriptions used. They were just more polished in their delivery. Although I find this frustrating, as I have lots of experience, they were clear on this process from the start.

Next time I go for one I will ensure I know the scoring criteria 'buzz words' that get the higher marks.

Wankers. Take the feedback, see what you can gain aadditionally in skills and experience whilst looking for a new job. Try and stay upbeat. Companies do this shit all the time and its crap.

I think the worst aspect is they didn't give you feedback right away.

Often there are other forces at play, like boardmembers wanting to bring in their candidates / people who are like them. But it's basically respect to keep you informed in good time.

Do look elsewhere.

Sorry to read this. . I had a similar experience at work and emailed my boss (once I had calmed down) and asked the question: What is the leadership's appetite for internal candidates to progress and gain experience in other areas of the company? What training and progression plans are in place for consistently high achieving staff such as myself who have been at the company for X years.
This went to my boss's boss and within a month I was promoted to a new role and 6 years later heading up the team. I believe you have to make some noise and politely & constructively ask them what more can you do. If that doesn't work, leave.

You should definitely accept feedback, if you don’t that doesn’t look good.