Didn’t get promoted and am devastated - please help

[downcast]

I’ve been in my current role for nearly three years. An opportunity to apply for promotion came up recently as two staff left, and my manager strongly encouraged me to go for it, which I did. Given his encouragement and the fact there were two roles I felt I had a good chance. However, after not hearing back for several weeks after my interview I was told that both jobs went to external candidates and am completely devastated. I adore my job, felt ready for more seniority and opportunities like this come round quite rarely as it’s a smallish company.

My manager is now saying he wants to give me feedback as he wants to help me progress my career, but that doesn’t ring true when he’s just given not one but two jobs to other people. I know my experience more than matched the role - it was a small step up in seniority but not by much. I also believe I’m good at my job - I am experienced and consistently get excellent feedback from clients and managers. I put in huge amounts of effort and some unpaid overtime as I have a genuine passion for what I do.

I’m at a loss over how to respond, as I can’t face the sort of meeting he’s proposing when I feel so deflated and frankly heartbroken. Listening to him explaining why I didn’t get the role will just feel like another kick in the teeth and I’m not sure I’m strong enough mentally to deal with that right now. I’ve been on the verge of tears in the office for the last week and am struggling to feel engaged in my work. I also feel quite depressed. What would you do?

Without knowing more about your job, it’s hard to say - 15 minutes doesn’t sound like a lot but if he turns up on time, is thoughtful in his feedback and uses the full time then maybe it is okay. BUT if it has been squeezed in between a load of other stuff, he turns up late and flustered and leaves early then this is an Oh shit, I need to placate OP somehow situation.

Sit up straight, don’t say much, take notes.

Thank you all. I know I’m a broken record at this point but I really appreciate your advice. I’ll update on how the meeting goes.

Kindly, you need to dial down the emotion ahead of the meeting to get the best out of it OP. It’s not a chance for you to prove them wrong, or to put your best self across. It’s at worst a tick box exercise for him and at best a list of things you can think about for next time.
It’s a bit like meeting up with someone who’s dumped you unexpectedly, it’s natural to be full of questions and want to know why, but they’re already beyond it and just want to give you your stuff back.

Don't mean to kick you when youre down OP but you seem very sensitive about this whole thing. Was the role you were applying for looking for someone with a thicker skin perhaps? If is more responsibility would it have meant more chance of butting heads with other teams that they didnt see you coping too well with?

This - and especially the bit about dialling down the emotion

You mentioned "Why only 15 minutes?" OP, and I'm wondering if they feel this is all you might be able to cope with - though with the intention of spending longer if it goes productively

Put it in an email. Tell him the truth so they know how much you care and ask for the feedback in writing so you can digest it in your own time. But be aware, sometimes they can be more honest in person and say things that they wouldn't put in writing. You need this feedback.

I feel for you OP but your situation is far from unique in the organisation that I work in.
I've never applied for internal promotion so I don't have your experience but several of my colleagues have.
I can envisage feeling unappreciated and let down but it's important to remain objective.
In my experience, sometimes an outside person can bring fresh eyes and insight into an organisation which ime is needed at times.
We all have developmental needs.
Please meet with your manager and let them know how you feel but please listen to the feedback.
Best wishes and treat yourself to something special

I feel for you OP, you clearly are very committed.
In my experience, as hard as it is, hard work, commitment and dedication doesn't always pay. Sad but true

I would go to this meeting with questions prepared and take some notes.
Ask for feedback back on the interview and how you answered the questions.
Ask about where your current skills need to be improved upon? Ask are there any courses or extra training you can do? Can your company cover the cost of these? See in their rules if they say pay for a masters degree how long you have to stay with them to avoid paying them back for this.

I would see what your boss has to say, remain professional and take notes. See if this feedback is fair or if your been fobbed off. Some bosses are quite happy leaving a good person in a certain role because they are a safe pair of hands, get on with the rest of the team and will do possibly unpaid overtime when things are busy.

If your not happy with what you're been told I would stay put for a few months and see what the new people are like that got the role you applied to. Work on what let you down at the interview and what your boss said was lacking for the next rung of the ladder. The new people might not stay and this role could come up again.

I would also reduce or stop doing overtime as well and just say you have plans that evening.

Start to look at other businesses ect in your area and look at the job websites. You might find a better role with more money elsewhere and you can apply for it.
If you get a better job elsewhere thank your boss for their help and leave on a good terms with them.

I have a friend in a similar position to you. She has been working PT for a company and her boss won't change her hours. She has realised that one of her work day is busy and it can be short staffed for a number of reasons. She is good at her job and can do everything. She makes her bosses life easier when she is there.
My friend knows that things are not going to change where she works. She has a few things on this year. She has decided to look for a new job with more hours early next year because long term it will be better for her.

How did the meeting go, OP?

Hello, the meeting didn’t go particularly well. He gave me two areas I could improve on - one which I thought was fair and the other I didn’t (though I didn’t say this). I also can’t see how he could possibly know from an interview that an external candidate could do these two areas better than me. Annoyingly I didn’t think to say this at the meeting.

The way he presented the meeting was also quite deflating - he didn’t say anything positive about my work, just criticised me quite relentlessly on these two points. He also seemed hurried and like he had better things to be doing (despite the fact the meeting was his suggestion). I felt the feedback could have been framed better, like: “You’re doing well at blah blah blah but there are two areas where you could improve.” There was none of that - just negativity.

I’m already working hard on the two areas he highlighted, but have gone from being a very enthusiastic employee to feeling quite deflated.

The other thing is that he has never raised these two things as issues before. Why encourage me to apply for the job at all?

Keep looking for pastures new - it sounds like you are doing a good job where you are so they’ll keep you there doing the same job.

Well if the interviewer was good, the interviewee would have been able to illustrate how they can achieve in these areas. Maybe interviewing external, fresh candidates highlighted what they arr lacking. Wait for these new people to come onboard and see what happens, maybe you might learn something from them. This may be a great learning and growth opportunity for you and if not, perhaps there are greener pastures elsewhere.

If he hasnt raised them before maybe the new hire put forward ideas that made him realise what he'd missed.

Women are not always good at blowing their own trumpet. Yes you do need to do a bit of ,,,,said they were really pleased with it.

I'd be keeping an eye out for other jobs.

This may be a great learning and growth opportunity for you

I think I need to really focus on this and convince myself to see it that way. Thank you.

Would you suggest sending an email in a month, say, to highlight how I’ve worked on the areas and hopefully improved?

I wouldn't do that. I would email your manager now and thank him for the useful meeting. Say that you are keen to address the areas for improvement that he raised and that - as you'd not really been aware of these prior to him raising them - it would be very helpful for your development if you could meet again in a couple of months or so to take stock of your progress and see how else you can position yourself for further opportunities.

At the moment, you sound quite defensive and determined to prove them wrong. I don't blame you for that, but it isn't going to make your manager receptive to you. You need to show you're approaching the feedback with an open mind.

I think I would keep my eyes open for pastures new either where you are on another team or outside of the company. Unless you see another path for progression where you are, I’d be inclined to move on when something comes up.

It doesn’t necessarily mean the people they employed are any better , just that they interviewed well , they may or may not be better suited to the job .I would listen to the feedback & try not to take it too personally . You can at least use that feedback to help when applying for a different job somewhere else if needs be .

@GCAcademic thanks, will draft an email.

I think you would benefit for from a mentor or sponsor either with the organisation if a situable person exists or an internal one who knows your company & the industry.

You seem to have a lot of positive going for you, hardworking, ambitious and good feedback in your current role.

Some of your questions indicate that you may benefit someone who could guide you in terms of profiling, positioning, networking and interview preparation. I think it would be beneficial whether you remain with your current employer or go elsewhere.

Just my two cents.

I think there's some line blurring here between how you're doing your job day to day, and how well you interviewed.

The point of the meeting is for him to tell you why you didn't get the job, much as it's encouraging to hear he thinks you're a good employee day to day, this wasn't the reason for the meeting.

Your level of experience was presumably felt to be suitable, which is why you were invited to interview, so the reason(s) you didn't get it was due to something you said/did at the interview or something the successful candidate said or did.

There's no point emailing him in a while saying you've improved at X task, that will make you look needy and bonkers. The time to mention how good you are at X task will be in your next interview.

I really think you have to move on from this, @downcast, you're in danger of spending your working week doing the pick me dance, a combination of 'am I good enough now?' and trying to show them where they went wrong in not offering you the job.

Take the tips onboard, and either make your peace with it or find somewhere else to work.

I agree with @UnsocialMedia
The purpose of the meeting was to give you feedback on your interview and tell you why someone else got the job instead of you. It wasn't a job appraisal or opportunity to tell you what you do well.
I'm glad you didn't ask how how he knows that the person who got the job can do X and y. That was the purpose of the interview and it would have made you sound very defensive
I know it's disappointing, it's happened to me before, it happens to people all the time.
But now you have to get over it. You are in danger of becoming bitter and that won't help you get promotion.
Try and focus on those areas for your development. Do your job as well as you can, seek out ways you can develop those areas and also try and get some interview practice.
Look out for other jobs you might like but don't let this one incident colour the way you behave or do your job.

Try and focus on those areas for your development. Do your job as well as you can, seek out ways you can develop those areas and also try and get some interview practice.

I will do this. Thanks

Thank you. I wish I could but have no idea how I could find such a person.