To have lost myself in my marriage

[blueberrypuppet]

Before I met my husband I dreamed of living by the sea, I loved the beach, water sports and long walks, hiking and would be outdoors at any opportunity even just sitting in the garden.
We did move to the coast and now we live by the sea but Dh hates the beach and would never go, he’s pale skinned and likes to stay out of the sun and can’t think of anything more boring than sitting on the beach or going for a walk, he likes to stay indoors and play computer games or watch tv and has never stepped foot in the garden.
I don’t sit in the garden on my own, he won’t have a bbq because he doesn’t like being outside and I no longer go to the beach because he never wants to and I don’t want to go alone.
I don’t do anything anymore and I don’t feel like I know who I am, he games all evening so I can’t watch the telly so I end up going for a walk on my own, Instead of a weekly food shop I just walk to the supermarket ( about an hour there and back) each evening for something to do. I miss the person I was and the dreams I had but now I just do what he wants to do if we ever do anything and feel a bit lost.
I love my husband but I don’t know who I really am anymore.

Go for walks. Make friends and go with them. Join clubs. Cycling, canoeing, paddle boarding. Make the most of your location! Swim in the sea. You don’t have to do everything with your DH. Tell him what you love. Either he’ll come or maybe he won’t. Are you mentally for each other if he’s stopping you do things you love?

*meant for each other

Yes first reply was spot on. I think it’s good you’ve noticed the gap between where you are and what you want… time to get yourself back on the right path and feel more like yourself.

Why does him gaming mean you can’t watch tv? Surely you can buy a second hand tv. What happened to your friends? You need to make the effort in your own life OP, nobody else is going to do it for you.

He has a massive tv on the wall in the lounge so there’s no room for another.
I don’t want to sit in the bedroom.

What stops you from doing any of these things by yourself?

Jeepers-creepers!
Take back some control and get used to activities on your own like lots of solo women have to do.
Don’t turn yourself into a victim of his inertia.

And, get yourself an all bells & whistles tv, wall mounted properly, not propped up on the chest of drawers, for the bedroom or turn your spare room if you have one, into a sitting room. A comfy chair, a reading lamp, your own tv and a nice drink. Bliss!

Tell him to go sit in the bedroom… is he scary?

Can you drive? Join some groups! Outdoorsy ones. Get some new hobbies and friends

Yes, join clubs, learn new things, volunteer, you’ll meet new people and have a great time! My life improved so much when I stopped waiting for my husband to rescue me. I also do things on my own- I go running, cycling, cinema, music things, hillwalking. Life is what you make it, say yes to things, give things a try! My husband says I’m “in too many clubs”, I say “piss off I'll do what I want!”

Well who did you do these things with before you met your husband?

Get a dog. I'm constantly by the sea, on coast paths walking etc

you sound like you have no agency in your own life your husband also sounds like a massive bore. Was he like this before you married?

Is there a reason why you can't go into the garden, bedroom or to the beach alone? Are you suffering from anxiety or fear?

If he wants to game he should be doing it elsewhere. Ie in the bedroom, in a spare room (if you have one) or in the shed.
Why does he get to take over the lounge & main TV?

If i waited for my husband to do anything with me and my daughter id be waiting forever. Go out on your own, once you start getting out it becomes easier.

And YY to this.
I’d sack him off and go and do all the things you want to do. Get out there and enjoy your location !

How did you do these things before when single? Is he stopping you? Why are you reliant on him? I know that it’s nice to do things with your person but you can also experience life separately too. He may even see you flourishing and decide to join you one day

If you don't have children together I would just leave if he was doing this.
If you have children I would tell him he needed to change or you would leave.
I would in either scenario start doing all those things on my own or in groups.

So many women lose themselves in their husbands, I have done the same and am clawing back from it. Men don't often do the same. Make some friends, go to the beach alone, volunteer, join groups. Fuck him if he doesn't want to do these things! Do you want to die having lived your life a shut in just because your husband is one?

My DH and I have very different taste when it comes to TV, so if he's watching something I don't fancy on the TV in the lounge, I'll watch something on my laptop with headphones, so we still get to sit together. Might that work for you? I know it doesn't actually solve the main issue, but it might help with this particular aspect.

I agree with PPs that you should just start doing the things you love again, if he doesn't want to join you, that's fine - it's not like you're spending oodles of quality time together now, is it?

What attracted you to your husband?

Have you got a spare room ? If you have then put another TV in it and make it cozy for you to sit in.
Could you get a dog for company on your walks ?
See if there are groups you could join.
I don't know how old you are but you could volunteer at a charity shop.
Or get a wee job ?

Just do the things you want to do, without him..if you can walk an hour each day to the supermarket, why can't you walk at the beach without your husband?

What do you do together? Please don’t let him take all the joy from your life, do the things you love with friends or by yourself. Life is short!