To have lost myself in my marriage

[blueberrypuppet]

Before I met my husband I dreamed of living by the sea, I loved the beach, water sports and long walks, hiking and would be outdoors at any opportunity even just sitting in the garden.
We did move to the coast and now we live by the sea but Dh hates the beach and would never go, he’s pale skinned and likes to stay out of the sun and can’t think of anything more boring than sitting on the beach or going for a walk, he likes to stay indoors and play computer games or watch tv and has never stepped foot in the garden.
I don’t sit in the garden on my own, he won’t have a bbq because he doesn’t like being outside and I no longer go to the beach because he never wants to and I don’t want to go alone.
I don’t do anything anymore and I don’t feel like I know who I am, he games all evening so I can’t watch the telly so I end up going for a walk on my own, Instead of a weekly food shop I just walk to the supermarket ( about an hour there and back) each evening for something to do. I miss the person I was and the dreams I had but now I just do what he wants to do if we ever do anything and feel a bit lost.
I love my husband but I don’t know who I really am anymore.

My DH is exactly like this…so I go out and do all the stuff you want to do, either by myself or with friends. You might just be looking for validation rather than solutions but honestly, it’s not that hard. I adore my DH, gaming recluse that he is, but also love the life I have outside our relationship. Don’t get caught in the resentment-filled victim spiral and do something about it. I promise, it will add to your relationship, not detract from it - stop waiting for him to become a different person and stop forcing yourself to be other than you are.

Get divorced. Find someone who shares some of your passions.

Your marriage sounds somewhat lonely. He won't do any of the things you like and all the things he like are not couple-y (and, it sounds, not things you want to do either?).

How does he show he loves you? How do you show him you love him?

Surely you used to to do stuff together at some point? Are you both no longer interested in whatever it was you did? Have you talked about this at all?

I'm not sure I'd want to spend the rest of my life in a marriage with someone I was so incompatible with in terms of things we liked. Nor with someone who thought it was okay to completely monopolise the lounge every evening. But some people do lead fairly separate lives but still have strong marriages.

If there is actually a good bond between you, you could consider investing in ways to do your things separately but in the same space. You could build an outdoor seating area, protected a bit from the elements, maybe with a heater to extend the seasons you can use it, with an outdoor TV and comfy chairs so you can sit out while he games next to you, for instance.

You also need to look to other people to help you back into doing the things you enjoy. And perhaps consider if there's anyway you could share some of his interests too.

You can turn your spare room into a reading room, join hiking clubs and make lots of friends to reconnect back to your old self. That part is easy, and it’s good you have noticed how much your marriage is impacting you. You sound very self aware.

What you can’t fix is the state of your marriage which is a bigger problem. You are not suited to each other at all. He is a coach potato into gaming, and you are an outdoorsy sporty person - you are not well matched at all.

There is a good chance you are going to grow to despise his shallow life, feel desperately lonely in your marriage and he sounds extremely selfish. He could easily BBQ outside, and find ways to enjoy being by the sea for an hour in the shade or to swim. He just can’t be bothered to make you happy. It’s not a priority for him. His gaming addiction is his priority.

The way you describe your evenings, they sound so empty and lonely. You are not spending any time together at all.

I would leave this marriage in your place, life is too short to feel so lonely and be saddled with someone so boring and selfish. He will make a terrible father op, he is barely an adult himself gaming all of the time. He is a man child and not invested in the marriage at all, not even managing the bare basics such as date nights, cooking together, conversation and watching a film or taking a walk together. I would be out. For sure and I’d never look back. This is no life op.

Is he really the man for you? He's not really participating in the marriage or adding to your life. I couldn't be with a man like this. He sounds incredibly selfish and is making your life very small. Its not ok to take over the living room all night every night. Is he addicted to gaming? Does he work?

Lord he sounds selfish and boring. But you are being a bit of a baby here, join local groups, walking, wild swimming, book club, charity kitchen garden etc….so many ways for you to get out. Or get a dog. And yes, speak to him, tell him he is being a selfish knob and you’d also like use of the lounge and TV on set nights or set up a spare room for his gaming.

God what a miserable lonely life. We are insanely busy but DH will always come for a walk with me. Or join me for a meal out. We love traveling and walking together. It’s the joy in our marriage.

So…why do you love your husband again..???

You haven’t lost yourself in your marriage, you are being dragged down by a rather pathetic sounding husband. Sorry but sounds like you married the wrong guy.

Just do your own thing.

There's nothing wrong with your husband liking the indoors and gaming. He does need his computer to be somewhere other than your living room though, as it's not fair that you can't watch tv.

Go for a walk. Join a hiking group, running club or wild swimming group (we have all 3 where I live). Get a decent camera and get into landscape photography. Get a weighted vest if you like exercise and do your walks in that. Buy a paddleboard or sea kayak. Get a dog!

I'm out every day doing something active (I have a sedentary job). While DH stays in and games (he has a physical job). We'll watch one programme together each evening, then I get the tv to myself (which I love).

There's no need to lose yourself at all, but you do need to be your own person and not rely on your husband to make it happen.

Rescue a dog...company on your walks in the evening and would love the beach am sure. Suggest another set up for the computer in an alternative room. Not your sitting room...rather selfish behaviour every night. Look on fb for walking groups near to your home. If not suggest starting one yourself. There may be others in the same position as you. Good luck.

What did you do together before you got married - did you go on dates, did he show interest in what you like? Did it come as a surprise that he really doesn’t want to do anything?

In your shoes I’d be building a life outside of your marriage. Do the things you want to do, otherwise 40 years will have passed before you know it and your one precious life will have passed you by.

Why don't you go to the beach on your own OP?

@blueberrypuppetsounds like you are married to a teenager and have outgrown this marriage. You know how teenagers don’t want to leave the house as they just want to game instead? Does he give you the ick? There are some ridiculously unkind comments on this thread. Yes, you can do all those things alone, but what’s the point in a husband if you are doing everything alone anyway. You may as well be single and not have him taking up all the room (literally!) I don’t get a sense that he’s ‘there’ or present in your life, at least not whilst plugged in..

If you want to watch TV and he wants to use the TV for gaming, then you should take it in turns. I don't really understand why you have completely given up all the things you like instead of doing them by yourself or with other people. It seems like you have subsumed yourself into him and now you resent that. But you did it and you can undo it.

You go for a 2 hour walk to and from the supermarket: you could start by just doing that walk to somewhere interesting like the beach.

Find some walking clubs / sea swimming clubs and start making some new friends through those groups. Totally his prerogative not to do those things but your choice to not do them either alone. Start voting with your feet

Why don't you sit in the garden on your own whilst he is gaming? Sounds like a wonderful way to spend an evening.
You might be martied but you are not joined at the hip. Let him fester inside and get out there!

So he expects you to just sit and watch. If he's doing the antisocial non communal activity, he should br the one doing it in another room. That would drive me to despair.

Make friends, do the things you love with them. Life is too short to waste it like this. He doesn't have to like the same things as you. I'm pale skinned and not the hugest beach lover either but there has to be other things you can do together. If he literally doesn't want to do anything with you then you have a big problem.

I presume his unwillingness to compromise makes you feel lonely and somewhat unhappy.

Yeah It seems some people are missing the point a bit. It’s not really on for her partner to hog the living room like that for his gaming and never bother to do anything she likes. He sounds selfish and uncaring.

There could be at least some compromise, like a weekly walk to the beach or doing something else she likes and watching tv together or just talking in the garden with a tea or wine some evenings instead of gaming - but he seems to have checked out and doesn’t want to spend time with her.

However it’s not so clear why they even got married then? OP hasn’t explained if they were always like this. If he was always like this I’m afraid she knew what she was getting into. And there’s not much she can do to change him at this point.

Or did he lure her in by wining and dining her and pretending to be outgoing and sociable. Would be interesting to know.

Also Op, where is it that you live that he feels he needs to avoid the beach to stay out of the sun? If it’s the UK that’s absurd . Plenty of gloomy days here beachside or not!

This sounds miserable, i don’t get how adults can let gaming take over their lives. Is this really the person to spend the rest of your life with and potentially bring up kids with?

Well definitely join some clubs. My husband and I have different interests and after coming out of baby fog I got a bit resentful that he had things to do, then I found things I like doing and I'm really enjoying life! It's made our relationship better.

Also can you not just get netflix on your phone? We're a family of 4 so there's often someone hogging the tv, so if I've not got any plans in the evening I just sit on the sofa reading or watching something on my phone.

It's really common for women to feel like this but you can't give in to it and you need to take control of the situation.

I think this is a bit harsh. There's not really anything wrong with gaming and he's probably socialising with his friends. Loads of people spend most evenings slumped in front if the television, at least this is interactive.

Why should she need to be watching Netflix on her little phone why he hogs the big tv every night?! That sounds very unfair and a bit silly as it doesn’t solve the problem of his selfishness and lack of interest
in spending time with her.

I don’t think OP’s situation is common at all. Her husband just seems to want to game and can’t even be kind enough to step into the garden or go for a walk occasionally with her. If lots of women are tolerating that it’s very sad.

Yes many couples may do their own thing to an extent and OP should find her own clubs/groups, but it seems like these two are living separate lives. She walks to the supermarket every night herself for something to do while her husband is sat gaming. He won’t have a BBQ with her or sit out in the garden sometimes for her sake. That’s sad.

That is no way to live within a marriage. He wants to do absolutely nothing with you. He wants to sit inside and he wants to game. You really have lost yourself and he doesn't care. I don't know how a man like that managed to woo you in the first place but you deserve and need more from life. Being single is better than this. Being single with friends and maybe a dog is miles better. You only have this life, let him game his away by himself whilst you re-invent yourself. Forget about buying second TV's, he doesn't care about you and what makes your life happy, that's all that you need to know.

I think OP’s point is that she doesn’t want to do these things alone. She wants to share them with someone . And that is understandable .
Being trapped in a lonely marriage is hell .