To have lost myself in my marriage

[blueberrypuppet]

Before I met my husband I dreamed of living by the sea, I loved the beach, water sports and long walks, hiking and would be outdoors at any opportunity even just sitting in the garden.
We did move to the coast and now we live by the sea but Dh hates the beach and would never go, he’s pale skinned and likes to stay out of the sun and can’t think of anything more boring than sitting on the beach or going for a walk, he likes to stay indoors and play computer games or watch tv and has never stepped foot in the garden.
I don’t sit in the garden on my own, he won’t have a bbq because he doesn’t like being outside and I no longer go to the beach because he never wants to and I don’t want to go alone.
I don’t do anything anymore and I don’t feel like I know who I am, he games all evening so I can’t watch the telly so I end up going for a walk on my own, Instead of a weekly food shop I just walk to the supermarket ( about an hour there and back) each evening for something to do. I miss the person I was and the dreams I had but now I just do what he wants to do if we ever do anything and feel a bit lost.
I love my husband but I don’t know who I really am anymore.

The immediate solution is to make friends and join some groups that give you things to do in the evenings - local walking groups or wild swimming or surfing/bodyboarding. Maybe a gardening club that would entice you to potter in your garden on your own, collecting seeds and cuttings to swap at the next meet up. Invite new friends over for a BBQ. He doesn't have to join in. I occasionally have dinner or get togethers with woman friends in each other's homes and the husbands don't join in. It's pretty normal.

But overall, it sounds like you are lonely in your marriage because your DH has closed in on himself and you have no company night after night. What did you both enjoy doing together when you were dating and first married? Tell him you feel lonely that he games every evening and ask him not to game at least 2 or 3 evenings a week, so you can do stuff together, even if it is just going for a glass of wine to the local pub on quiz night. If he is not prepared to put effort into the marriage, then however much you reach out for new friendships and interests with others, coming back home to him will feel like an energy drain.

DH is very introverted. He has no friends. None. And doesn't care at all. He never leaves the house, week in, week out, unless it's with me. I go off to visit friends and family, go on holiday with friends or family, go away for work for a week or two a few times a year. If we had nothing in common, this would drive me nuts. But we have loads in common. We often go out together, doing stuff we both really enjoy. He watches TV with me in the evenings and we chat and joke about what's on. He's even agreed to go on some courses with me and we've really enjoyed those together. If you don't even have that, you have to ask him and yourself, where the marriage is heading and if it is worth sticking together.

OP, you do have choices, but it is your children I feel very sorry.
This is a deeply unhealthy dynamic with an angry man using his gaming addiction to vent.

That is toxic for your children.
He sounds like a deeply selfish man.

Why should he change for her? I’m not saying he sounds amazing but he has his ways and unless he is controlling and stopping her from doing stuff, she can initiate it by joining groups and they can maybe compromise. My daughter is getting to an age where she doesn’t want to do the stuff we like so we allow her that Freedom. She doesn’t have to change what she likes. One of my sons is a home boy but his brother likes going out more. We all compromise and most of the time it works.

There is no need to leave unless he’s abusive, she’s fallen out of love but she says she loves him, and he is a not a bad person. Being bore isn’t necessarily reason for leaving unless they are just too incompatible in other ways
I haven’t read the whole thread so if I’ve missed anything about him being an angry man or unfair to the kids than disregard this post. That will teach me to just read one page

Sorry but I think it is problematic when you have signed up for family life and then play very little part in it. That’s not what a healthy married relationship is all about. Op’s dh is replacing his wife and children with a games consul. When an addiction causes you to neglect your family, it has by definition gone too far. If all you want to do is stay indoors and play video games independently, then of course it’s your right to do that, but don’t get married and don’t procreate first!

There is nothing quite like the profound loneliness & sadness of being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to spend time with you.

I've been single for many years now and never felt as lonely as that.

So to summarise your posts:
You have nothing in common and don't have any loving, quality time together.
You feel rejected, lonely and unloved and feel unable to enjoy simple life pleasures as result.
He's selfish and only participates in family life to the (limited) extent it suits him.
He sulks and gets grumpy if you try to insist he joins in and do things as a family
He's effectively abandoned his children as he doesn't want to spend fun Dad time with them (just like he was abandoned?)
He's got a gaming addiction which he puts above you and his children
He's got a drinking problem
He's unkind to you when you raise how you feel
He refuses to change or get help

Honestly, unless you give him an ultimatum about the marriage and he agrees to get some counselling, I'd end it. You really will be happier alone that staying like this. Yes, the kids may eventually not want to see him if he puts the gaming & drinking above their happiness but he's doing that already.

OP I’ve read all your posts, and if you feel stifled now I can’t imagine how you’ll feel in 5/10+ years.

You have choices. You keep yourself small and have a little life that’s compatible with your husband’s, which I imagine will leave you resentful and will damage your children as they grow up. Or you live your life to the full, enjoy the outdoors, enjoy time with your children, and probably leave him behind.

I know which I’d choose.

He needs help. He is addicted to gaming. I would try to have a very serious chat with him about it. Explain how worried you are. That he spends 4 hours online in the company of violent games every day but only 20 mins in the company of his own children who get one childhood. Don't sound critical. Sound concerned. If he makes sarcastic apologies pretend they sounded genuine. Thank him for the apology and ask what he thinks you should do as a family to improve time together. Ask what sort of dad he wants to be - what memories he'd feel proud they had of him.

He really does sound as if he simply has no idea how to connect emotionally. And if he had a traumatic childhood, he could be carrying a lot of underlying anxiety about how to treat his own children as they grow up. Easier to game and blot out their needs.

Would he be up for being in charge of a couple of new fun rituals to create some good family habits, like making pancakes on Sunday mornings or reading them a bedtime story every night?

I agree. The only caveat is - like OP, I'd seriously worry that the DC would be neglected when they had to spend weekends with their gaming addicted couch-potato dad. Could be better to stay together, create a really full life for herself and her DC and leave him as soon as the children are old enough to choose where to spend their time and who with.

“There’s no need to leave unless he’s abusive”…

So the only valid reason a woman can leave a man is abuse, is it? And what qualifies as abuse, in your opinion? My god.

You’ve had a lot of good responses above but I want to highlight one aspect:

There are four of you in the house, including two fairly young kids, and he dominates the lounge with a TV on which he plays violent games that aren’t suitable for the kids.

Along with this is his lack of interest in doing anything with the kids, his preoccupation with his phone whenever he’s out with them, the fact you are reluctant to take them on decent days out because he won’t really participate and he wouldn’t be impressed if you went without him…

What impact is this having on the kids? I think a previous poster made a fair point about you having a bit of responsibility for the situation having chased your dream without looking at the reality of your life with your DH. And if the issue were just you feeling lonely that would be a strongish argument for you putting in effort and adjustment to make this work. But some of what you’re saying now sounds dire for your children. Even if you’d stayed in your old town with your friends and family, this would not be a good environment for them.

I have no problem going anywhere on my own I just wish my husband would be more companionable so I didn’t have to @blueberrypuppet

but you said you won’t sit in the garden or bedroom on your own ?
I think you have two choices , he’s not going to change. So you either stay the same or leave.

I think this ^ is an excellent point.

Also, you don’t have to say here op, but how is your financial situation in terms of parity of earnings between you? i sometimes think men who are main earners feel they can get away with shite behaviour at home because they have “done their bit” earning a good income, or at least are the main earner?

I think you choices are to either end the relationship now or create your own independent life and once that’s established then leave. If it were me I’d do the latter.

So what do you want to do with your life?

If there are no kids then being bored is a good reason for leaving. You only have one life, spending it with someone you aren’t enjoying living with is a waste if it isn’t towards a goal (like providing kids with a better childhood).

But they do have kids. And he should change for them as he’s currently, from OP’s description, a piss poor father.

He should change for her and his children because his actions are causing a negative impact on their lives. If he was a decent man he would suss this out.

Get him another tv for gaming and claim back the one in the lounge

I am like you, I like being busy, out and about outside, no way could I be with a person like that. My husband isn't quite as outdoorsy as me but still enjoys coming on day trips and seeing the kids have fun outside. He hates sand but will come to the beach as the kids love it. Your husband sounds very selfish and it doesn't seem you have much in common.

It sounds like you and the kids live a separate life and your H participates when he wants. It sounds hard to deal with, sorry OP. I think it is lovely to be by the sea and you just take time for yourself to enjoy it and the walks sound great.

Sorry if it had been noted and I missed it, but does your H work? How does he communicate with his work colleagues, as in, is he more social and like the man you married or is he also quite closed into himself?

OP, I hear you. I have a DH who hardly ever wants to go anywhere, luckily I love going places by myself. Just wish he wanted to go out places more often as well!
If he likes to spend time with you, why is that always reliant on you staying in though? How would he react if you for example went out for days by yourself? Have to say I don't understand why you won't sit outside by yourself if he won't.

I am struggling to believe that you've allowed him to take over the enormous TV screen every evening with his mindless gaming.

Tell him you want to watch telly for a change. Be assertive.

Exactly. My husband likes biking, hiking, tennis and swimming. I join him a couple of times a week when I feel like it. I’m more of an arty person - always out at the opera, ballet, theatre, exhibitions et cetera. He joins me for the easy-on-the-ear operas and the odd Nutcracker. I have a wide circle of friends whilst he is more of a loner, so I go out with my pals several times a week while he watches movies at home. But we are always in tune - we talk and discuss stuff all the time, and our long daily walk is our time to connect. Everyone is happy.

Umm if he wants to game how about he has a setup elsewhere so he’s not hogging the lounge?! Or you alternate one night watching a series together and one night you go out.

I don’t think I could be married to someone this selfish.

But if you must stay, then please get out there and make some friends - is there a swimming club near you; or book club, volunteering etc?

Your poor kids. His behaviour is not ok. You need to tell him so and ask him to get some help.

It’s not his fault you don’t do things alone. Why are you waiting for someone who doesn’t like things in order for you to do them.

go and make friends and be you own person.

join a walking group in your local Area and practice some small talk topic before you go. Join a volunteer clean up group for your local area as those types generally love a chat and are locally minded.

stop waiting for your husband to have a rich inner life.
there are a multitude of ways to watch things that aren’t on the tv if you don’t want to sit in a different room, laptop, iPad, phone.

you don’t have to be doing the same things together. It does seem like you’ve lost the ability to do things alone and thus are SELF limiting. Unless your DH is actively stopping you, it’s nothing to do with him.

there is one activity type thing myself and DH might do together. Otherwise we do our things alone or with other because we have different interests. Or because we have friendships we want to put effort into outside of our relationship with each other.

And some people don’t enjoy wandering about town for hours. I find it tedious personally and I love a walk.

he needs to move his gaming set up to the bedroom. That should be a non negotiable. But honestly he sounds like an I for person who brings the vibe down to any outdoor activities. So you’re better off leaving him inside and having a good time without him. Rather than him loaning alongside.