To have lost myself in my marriage

[blueberrypuppet]

Before I met my husband I dreamed of living by the sea, I loved the beach, water sports and long walks, hiking and would be outdoors at any opportunity even just sitting in the garden.
We did move to the coast and now we live by the sea but Dh hates the beach and would never go, he’s pale skinned and likes to stay out of the sun and can’t think of anything more boring than sitting on the beach or going for a walk, he likes to stay indoors and play computer games or watch tv and has never stepped foot in the garden.
I don’t sit in the garden on my own, he won’t have a bbq because he doesn’t like being outside and I no longer go to the beach because he never wants to and I don’t want to go alone.
I don’t do anything anymore and I don’t feel like I know who I am, he games all evening so I can’t watch the telly so I end up going for a walk on my own, Instead of a weekly food shop I just walk to the supermarket ( about an hour there and back) each evening for something to do. I miss the person I was and the dreams I had but now I just do what he wants to do if we ever do anything and feel a bit lost.
I love my husband but I don’t know who I really am anymore.

Why does him being a boring twat mean you can't do any of the things you want to do?

I love museums, DP doesn't, so I go to them by myself, or with a friend.

Start doing these things by yourself, and either learn to love your own company, or find other people who you can do these things with.

Once you've started filling your life up, you can then work out whether your husband who wants to do nothing but game is actually bringing anything to your life or just dragging you down. (And I've got nothing against gaming, I spend a good few hours on it every week, but it's a part of a full and varied life, not the entirety of it.)

I think this is perfectly reasonable. With your update it sounds like he's completely checked out of family life.
I would be reconsidering this marriage.

You say you have no problem going anywhere on your own but in your original post you say you don't sit in the garden on your own and you don't go to the beach because you don't want to go on your own? So which is it?

You need to realise that your DH is not going to change and suddenly be the kind of person who loves to walk about and be outside and go for picnics or walk on the beach etc. Its not who he is and you know that.

So you need to find your own things that you enjoy separate to him. Join clubs in the evening, take a class, stream some TV shows on your laptop in the evening while he games with some headphones on so at least you are doing your own thing but sharing the same space.

Then go for a walk on the beach and leave him to game, is there a local walking group nearby you could join to go for walks and make friends.

I have had to do this myself. I was getting into this kind of rut not doing things I wanted to do and have had to sit down and put myself first sometimes. I made friends with my neighbours who I used to only make small talk with. We are now good friends and go out for lunch and coffee during the week or for a walk with our dogs.

No-one can do it for you OP. It is possible for you to have a life together with your DH and also have your own interests and activities that you life alongside it.
Do something for yourself or you risk resentment setting in which will kill your marriage completely.

With your update, he sounds lazy and depressed.

I mean, my husband loves gaming, but we've not got kids so we're both more able to do whatever we like, and we still go for a date night once a week, and do fun things together (we're going mountain biking for the day this Friday).

I've said above that I love doing outdoorsy things on my own, but I couldn't live with a sloth who never wanted to do anything at all.

I’m assuming he has aways been like this?
I suggest joining a women’s walking group, I’m in one and it’s brilliant.

I do need to put myself first. I stay in because he likes to spend time with me and he is in so that’s the only way to.

I have started to take eldest child on evening walks now they’re up later while the youngest is in bed.
He wouldn’t change for me so I have to not change who I am for him.
I couldn’t be happier than when I’m out and he couldn’t be happier than when he’s in so I have to work with that.

Well, I wouldnt put up with any man who wants me to stay in and stare at a wall. No matter how much he liked me to.

So the reason you sit and watch him gaming is because he doesn't want you to do anything else?

He is similar to my DH, but mine just likes watching TV and tinkering with motors in his workshop, although he does walk his dog so does like outside - but prefers the solitude of being on his own.

You need to just accept that's how it is and build your own life. Take the kids out, join some local groups etc... I do all sorts of stuff in the evenings/weekends either on my own or with my kids.

I'll ask DH if he wants to come, then if he says no I just make plans without him.

Iin the short term, ’d make the most of the evenings and start a few hobbies, wild swimming, walking clubs even the WI might be a good idea?.

long term, doesn’t sound like you and your DH have anything in common and he’s not willing to compromise, so I’d have a long think about what you get out of the relationship. Maybe spend an evening with a councillor to help you decide what to do

He wouldn’t be best pleased if I got up one weekend and said I’m taking the kids out for the day without you and would probably reluctantly come along than spend the day on his own but it would be a quick nip there and back in no time and not worth going.
I take them to the park on my own for an hour or 2 and sometimes meet some of their friends which he’d never do but not a whole day.
He wants us to spend time together but just only doing what he wants.

Have you raised how you feel with him OP? If so, what did he say and if not why not?

Many times and he just apologises sarcastically.

Sounds awful @blueberrypuppet

Being outside in nature is one of life’s greatest gifts. Don’t get me wrong i absolutely hate exercise and my husband loves it so he does a lot of climbing and biking etc but I love walks and beach time so we make sure to get both in.

Life is far too short to spend it with someone who sits gaming all day like a zombie.

Do you really want to look back on your life in 10-20 years time and see that you’ve wasted it with this man who doesn’t appreciate life?

Oh, I would be so out of there. He sounds like a controlling, lazy, sulky teen.

I mean it does kind of read like you had a perfectly good set up where you lived before, then you all moved to the beach because you wanted to (knowing he doesnt like the beach), so it is partially on you this.

I think the real problem is that you are just lonely as you've moved away from friends & family. Presumably he gamed just as much before, it just wasn't an issue for you as you had other people about.

My parents were very active and I have lovely memories of growing up with fun holidays and going on nice days out, summer walks and barbecues and I envisioned doing all that as a family with my children.
My mum was still hiking in her late 70s but she’s gone now and I realise how much I’m missing out.

I am quite an outdoor person. DH less so. But even he joins me on weekends and holidays and for summer walks.

BBQs, days out, just leaving the house are a normal part of life. You shouldn’t have to feel like it’s a battle just to go out for the day with your family @blueberrypuppet

Youre not asking him to go on a 50 mile hike and swim the Atlantic Ocean.

You’ve voiced how unhappy it makes you, he doesn’t want to do anything about it.

You have two paths to go down. Accept who he is and get on with it or leave and create your own happy.

This is probably true, he never liked the beach and can’t appreciate a nice view or just be in nature.
We always planned this move once we could afford it and he’s happy wherever we live as long as he’s got his sofa, he doesn’t have many friends but that’s fine with him, he sees himself as a family man but he doesn’t seem interested in family life unless we’re all sat together on the sofa chatting to him while he games.

Playing games on his phone while walking and in a restaurant?! This isn't normal OP.

It sounds like he is addicted to gaming. I think you need to have a cards-on-the-table chat with him and lay out, in clear terms, how much this is affecting you and the family, and that it might be the end of the road for you unless something changes.

Suggest some changes and see if it makes a difference - e.g. ask for say 3 nights a week where you spend time together with his games turned off. Or ask him to commit to not bringing his phone on days out. Suggest you all go to Junior Parkrun with the kids for example on a weekend to get some exercise and take a picnic for lunch after. Visit a gym and sign up together perhaps. His reaction to these suggestions will tell you what you need to know. If he has no interest in changing, it would be end of the road for me. Sounds a miserable, depressing life for both of you at the moment.

It’s sad but I could imagine him laughing as I read your comment, there’s no way he would go 3 days without gaming.
He comes in and games until bedtime and if I ask him to do anything he can’t now because he’s in the middle of a game.
Weekends are just gaming or the occasional film with the children or quick trip to the shops, nap and more gaming.

The only time he won’t game is when we have a drink and he’ll game up until the youngest goes to bed 7:30/8 and then put some music on and I’ll get his undivided attention along with eldest child for an evening maybe once or twice a month but only if he’s having a drink and by that I mean about 10 drinks and he’ll call that a date night.

He is very selfish.

This sounds really sad. Are you sure you wouldn't be happier not being together?/

Come on...you know this is not a good situation.

There is so much life ahead of you. Imagine you're 70 years old and you look back on your life. Is this how you want to spend it?

Whats the worst case scenario if you split up? Your kids spending time with him while he games when they are in his care? Sounds like they do that anyway.