To have lost myself in my marriage

[blueberrypuppet]

Before I met my husband I dreamed of living by the sea, I loved the beach, water sports and long walks, hiking and would be outdoors at any opportunity even just sitting in the garden.
We did move to the coast and now we live by the sea but Dh hates the beach and would never go, he’s pale skinned and likes to stay out of the sun and can’t think of anything more boring than sitting on the beach or going for a walk, he likes to stay indoors and play computer games or watch tv and has never stepped foot in the garden.
I don’t sit in the garden on my own, he won’t have a bbq because he doesn’t like being outside and I no longer go to the beach because he never wants to and I don’t want to go alone.
I don’t do anything anymore and I don’t feel like I know who I am, he games all evening so I can’t watch the telly so I end up going for a walk on my own, Instead of a weekly food shop I just walk to the supermarket ( about an hour there and back) each evening for something to do. I miss the person I was and the dreams I had but now I just do what he wants to do if we ever do anything and feel a bit lost.
I love my husband but I don’t know who I really am anymore.

I get OPs point but in my experience people tend to run away from the thread if told to LTB.
Thats why I said she should begin by going on her own or finding friends.
But yes, her husband sounds miserable and awful. Like a teenage boy.

He wants to do absolutely nothing with you. He wants to sit inside and he wants to game. You really have lost yourself and he doesn't care. I don't know how a man like that managed to woo you in the first place but you deserve and need more from life

Spot on. This is not about going up to her bedroom or buying a second tv
or watching Netflix on her phone ffs. This is about his lack of interest in her, and his selfishness.

Yes join all the clubs and make all the friends - always a good thing - but there’s still something deeply wrong with your marriage if your husband can’t even go on a weekly walk with you or even spend an evening in the garden with you because he’s so focused on gaming. And the thing is he wouldn’t even need to miss a whole night of gaming if he went with you on a walk. He could do an hour walk with you and still have time to sit and game. His refusal to compromise is very telling.

Children? No? Walk away. In the future, you realise it was the right decision.

I remember the loneliness and unhappiness I felt sat under a tree in a park on a beautiful summer day, with a boyfriend who I could tell was there with me under duress. I had had to almost force him to leave the house, open the curtains, and turn his fucking computer off. We sat in the park and I could tell he was feeling like..."What do we do now? Whats the plan? When can we go back home?" whereas I was the type of person that just liked walking for the sake of it to see what might stumble upon on a summer day, and enjoying the sun and fresh air.

It was one of a number of slowly dawning moments where I realised we were incompatible, and I felt incredibly sad to come to that realisation as I loved him very much (and he was so hot) and there were great things about him, but I knew that deep down if I wanted to spend my weekends doing nice things then I'd have to do it single.

Gaming, or another person.
Another person taking over your adult life is worse than gaming still, imo.

My husband asks what I want to do, sometimes he wants to do stuff himself, or we watch a film together. But he always asks or I ask him. Being married requires communication from both parties. OP get stuff happening soon to make you happy!

Why did you marry someone with whom you have nothing in common. I don’t understand why an outdoorsy person would get together with a gamer?

I wouldn’t be married to a gamer. Is he 15?

Was he like this before you married him? It sounds like you married someone you have nothing in common with. Honestly your husband is your main companion through life and life is long. You need to spend some time thinking about whether you are happy to go through life doing the things you love alone or if it’s better to split.

My husband does not meet all my emotional needs. That's why I have friends - he likes wrestling, I like poetry - so we aren't joined at the hip. There is no way that I would sit bedrotting while he gamed away the gorgeous summer evenings. Get out and walk, run, take up tennis, volunteer.

Do not start this as an act of defiance, but do not be surprised if taking the blinkers off means you get the ick and it ultimately ends this unfulfilling marriage.

Your marriage sounds somewhat lonely. He won't do any of the things you like

Well, to be fair, op’s dh has moved to the coast, so that’s a fairly big compromise!

But, generally speaking, I agree that a couple need a balance of doing things together and doing things individually.

Op, did you post because you want advice about your marriage? Or do you want advice about how to branch out on your own?

This seems like an issue where the balance of power in your relationship has swung too far over to your dh’s preferences, but you have autonomy and agency op. Now is the time to be brave and start doing some of the things you want to do either on your own, or with a dog, or with new friends. You don’t need your dh’s permission! Don’t mention it in advance, just do it!

What is holding you back so you think? Anxiety, or finances, or something else?

Why not advertise on your local Facebook group that you are looking for female companions who are interested in walking at the beach every day? I was a military wife and then an expat wife for years and this was my tactic whenever I ended up somewhere new, except I centred my activities around the local park. I’ve never not had a response. Then you can all start going for a coffee after the walk. And you build up things from there.

If you are still interested in staying in your marriage and you still love your dh then I suggest you focus on your health, your friends, developing more of a purpose in life (work if you are not doing so already , or volunteering related) and something creative. I think a pet such as a dog usually brings good people in to your life too.

It isn’t fair that your dh dictates your daily schedule and activities. Is he controlling you in some way? Or are you allowing yourself to be controlled?

How invested is he in the marriage? Is he making any effort at all or is he living like he is single? Gaming isn’t living. Why is he avoiding reality? Could he be depressed?

Good luck op and please come back and fill us in on the context and then people can give you more targeted advice.

Why have you married someone so narrow and insular?
Surely this didn't happen the minute you married?
Don't have children with him.
Start planning your divorce.
This was a mistake.
Own it.
Move on.

Precisely! @blueberrypuppet This situation is ludicrous - how and why did you allow for this to happen?

I cannot comprehend that someone can be so selfish and inflict his obsession on the person he is supposed to love! If he chooses to waste his life playing with things on a screen, the least he can do is do it somewhere unobtrusive where he doesn’t annoy others in the house.

My personal advice would be to divorce and lead the kind of life that suits you.

If you don’t want to do that, you need to create your own life and leave him to his gaming. Friends, hobbies, hiking trips, getting a dog - whatever floats your boat.

Youtube is full of middle-aged and older women ‘influencers’ who one day got up and got out to do their own thing - watch some of them for inspiration!

You need to do the things you enjoy, without your husband. You can't make him be an 'outdoors' person, if that's not who he is. Has he always been like this? If so, then he's not going to change now. You can go and sit in the garden, go to the beach, for walks etc. Find out if there's a walking group you can join. Your husband sounds boring, to be honest but presumably he's happy with his choices. You can't make your husband join you, so you have to forge your own interests and make new friends. Why can't you sit in the bedroom? My husband often watches a film downstairs (I don't have the patience) and I'll watch something that interests me upstairs or read my Kindle.

Oh. Why are you married to this pale, sickly, selfish man?

I don't find it understandable. I find being lonely in a marriage understandable but not going to the beach or into a bedroom because you can't bear to do it by yourself is bizarre.

OP does he know how you feel?

It’s odd that a grown man prefers the company of video games than his own wife. You need to speak
up because nobody deserves a life like this. What about when/ if you have children?!!

Go for walks especially down the beach, whenever I want to do something but I’m scared to go alone, I think adventure awaits ! - it’s often not found in the four wall of your own house !

You sounds incompatible. I understand partners don’t do everything together, but there does need to be some shared interests otherwise you will end up leading parallel lives

Well that’s because, for some reason, you’re looking at that detail in isolation. Instead of understanding that it’s symbol of a much, much wider problem in her marriage. Surely you can see that?

You live in a beautiful area with the beach near by. Go by yourself, join clubs, a gym, Facebook groups, find any way possible to make friends and go and explore what sounds like a lovely area to live in!

If he wants to waste his time indoor, gaming. That's fine...but you don't have too!

No. Could you explain why she can't go into a bedroom by herself please?

I understand the loneliness of being married yet doing pretty much everything alone.
some days I get on and do things myself but other days I feel down and sad that this is how it is. But I would encourage you to make your own plans each day. Do things that you enjoy. Find a way.

We’re in our 40s and do have 2 children, before we moved I had family and friends to do things with but now it’s just me taking the children to the park while he games and me taking them for picnics in the woods because he’d be bored.
We do occasionally go for days out, he likes busy towns with arcades and restaurants but he makes a bee line for a restaurant and then he’s ready to go home again, no walking around or making a day of it, if I suggest a walk he just says there’s nothing there and when we are out he’s just walking along playing a game on his phone looking fed up, even in a restaurant he’s playing games on his phone.
If we go on holiday he wants to stay at the accommodation and relax or go somewhere to eat and drink but he’ll never want to spend time out and about.

He’s always been the same but I think I notice it more now that we’re here and not doing all the things I dreamt we would or I’m just going without him.
He struggles because he’s unfit but he’s unfit because he sits in a chair at work all day and on the sofa all weekend.

Maybe I need to evaluate the marriage but then if we separated I would be doing those things without him anyway and he’d probably have the children at the weekend when I’d want to take them out and he’d sit in doors ignoring them while gaming.

I have no problem going anywhere on my own I just wish my husband would be more companionable so I didn’t have to.

You sound very passive - where are the children when you game? How old are they

and no he shouldn’t get every weekend if you separated.

talk to him tell him this needs to be a partnership not his needs prioritised