To have lost myself in my marriage

[blueberrypuppet]

Before I met my husband I dreamed of living by the sea, I loved the beach, water sports and long walks, hiking and would be outdoors at any opportunity even just sitting in the garden.
We did move to the coast and now we live by the sea but Dh hates the beach and would never go, he’s pale skinned and likes to stay out of the sun and can’t think of anything more boring than sitting on the beach or going for a walk, he likes to stay indoors and play computer games or watch tv and has never stepped foot in the garden.
I don’t sit in the garden on my own, he won’t have a bbq because he doesn’t like being outside and I no longer go to the beach because he never wants to and I don’t want to go alone.
I don’t do anything anymore and I don’t feel like I know who I am, he games all evening so I can’t watch the telly so I end up going for a walk on my own, Instead of a weekly food shop I just walk to the supermarket ( about an hour there and back) each evening for something to do. I miss the person I was and the dreams I had but now I just do what he wants to do if we ever do anything and feel a bit lost.
I love my husband but I don’t know who I really am anymore.

As an aside gaming is much more active brain activity than watching tv and usually includes problem solving and socialisation.

TV is passive. It’s is not “better” than gaming. You could always try one of his games and play together.

Great, both parents can then be addicted to violent killing games, while the kids hang around waiting for a nice family day.

I love sailing solo, so I do. He sails with me sometimes. Don't stop doing what you love, go to the beach, join a swimming / kayaking/walking group whatever.......Just take a step forwards.....any direction

Whether sub consciously or not, he’s controlling you if you feel you have no choice but to go along with what he wants, which really is to check out of the world and spend his time in an online world with no demands of him, even if that means minimal connection time with his family. This is likely because addicts can be incredibly selfish when it comes to getting what they want. Your children deserve better than that though and you need to be careful you’re not teaching them that relationships mean suppressing their own wishes to make someone else happy. As a starting point I’d recommend you complete the freedom programme online, to better understand any abuse that might be a feature of your relationship. Then I’d simply start living and ignoring his protestations about that. Start this weekend. Tell him your plans and when he complains say “We’re not putting your gaming addiction above the rest of our needs anymore”. Start doing this frequently, using the same line again and again and leaving him behind. This may cause him to evaluate his choices but if not at least your lives are not on hold. It may also convince you that he’s not capable of change, and doesn’t want to, and that therefore seeking a divorce wouldn’t be unreasonable.

I assume you missed this bit…

He mostly plays war games with guns and killing which is not good with children around.

There is NO WAY on god’s earth that I would allow this sort of gaming in my living room.

Just no.

I wouldn’t want gaming in my bedroom either…

All I’d say is, like others, to get on with making friends and doing things you enjoy. People can stay married and do separate things, and waiting for him to be a different person is a hiding to nothing.

Tbh I’d be looking for a way to make an evening space in the house that doesn’t involve some fucking huge screen and violent swearing. Is a conservatory an option?

Returning to the bedroom, how’s your sex life? Men do have a tendency to check out if sex is not happening. But if it’s good, this may be more fundamentally ok than it sounds.

I’m just going to put this out there but what kind of memories of childhood would you like for your kids? All the stuff they do as kids is what the will reproduce for their own kids.
My kids will remember our daily walks - everyone was an adventure. Our weekends at the beach just hanging out with the dogs. Swimming & riding the ponies, having friends over.
Pretty much all my memories from childhood are outside. Pretty much all their memories are the same.