To have lost myself in my marriage

[blueberrypuppet]

Before I met my husband I dreamed of living by the sea, I loved the beach, water sports and long walks, hiking and would be outdoors at any opportunity even just sitting in the garden.
We did move to the coast and now we live by the sea but Dh hates the beach and would never go, he’s pale skinned and likes to stay out of the sun and can’t think of anything more boring than sitting on the beach or going for a walk, he likes to stay indoors and play computer games or watch tv and has never stepped foot in the garden.
I don’t sit in the garden on my own, he won’t have a bbq because he doesn’t like being outside and I no longer go to the beach because he never wants to and I don’t want to go alone.
I don’t do anything anymore and I don’t feel like I know who I am, he games all evening so I can’t watch the telly so I end up going for a walk on my own, Instead of a weekly food shop I just walk to the supermarket ( about an hour there and back) each evening for something to do. I miss the person I was and the dreams I had but now I just do what he wants to do if we ever do anything and feel a bit lost.
I love my husband but I don’t know who I really am anymore.

I have commented on the amount of time he spends gaming but he says it’s just his way of relaxing and to unwind but he takes it so seriously and gets really angry and vocal at his game.
He mostly plays war games with guns and killing which is not good with children around.

He's addicted. And he's not interested in kicking it..He's like an alcoholic or a drug addict. You can't change him. You can only change yourself.

This.

Sorry OP, I meant going to another room while he games or going for a walk on the beach by yourself. Does he insist you stay and watch him game?

Carry on and please yourself, even better if your eldest like to join you. Go for a nice evening barefoot walk on the beach or a bike ride if possible where you are.

You never get the time back with the kids, so give them the life you imagined them having.

You're just going to have to leave OH to the gaming for now until he (hopefully) realises he's missing out.

I'm in a similar boat to you, and need to kick myself up the ass and think, no one else is going to change this if I don't!

Ah sorry misunderstood but no he doesn’t do that.

I wouldn’t normally suggest making an ultimatum but from your updates op, it’s obvious that your dh has a serious addiction. You need to make your mind up about where your boundaries lie op and how you want to respond to this. Imagine this situation staying the same for another ten years. Would you be happy with that?

Even though it’s not alcohol or gambling, this addiction still impacts hugely on your quality of life and that of your dc. He is failing as a husband and father.

Most addictions are about avoiding some problem. So what is your dh running away from op? Childhood trauma? Family life? Depression? Anxiety?

It’s time to have yet another serious discussion but this time say that you are unhappy (use “I” statements). Tell him that you you will be considering a separation if things don’t improve significantly , say by the time the dc return to school in September, as you can’t see this situation improving. You are fed up of only spending proper couples time together a couple of evenings a month, and always on his terms, and of always coming second to a games consul.

Ask him to rate himself out of ten as a dh and father. Tell him his children are waiting for him to step up and that you are not prepared to sit and watch him become more unhealthy and withdrawn from family life and that you want to live in a different way. Ask him if he thinks he is setting a good example for his dc?

And how about asking him to come on holiday with you and the dc this year and leave all the gaming equipment and tech behind? And if you are not going away this year, you could suggest a gaming amnesty during the school holidays of at least a fortnight?

You can get further help and information here:

https://www.cnwl.nhs.uk/national-centre-gaming-disorders

If he laughing when you bring these issues up op, and when you suggest these sorts of strategies, I am afraid that indicates he is either in denial, arrogant, selfish or a combination of all of those things. He can’t have it both ways and expect you all
be around him and then ignore you! Actions speak louder than words op and he is demonstrating that you and the dc are low down in his list of priorities. And you are not obliged to accept that as the status quo.

Thank you for the link, he does have family trauma as he was in care and felt abandoned when he became an adult and there was nobody to turn to so I think he turned inward and decided he didn’t need anyone else, maybe why he doesn’t want many friends and has become self absorbed but that’s not something he’ll talk about, he feels a lot of anger and frustration but he doesn’t want to work through it and I can’t force him.
His gaming is all anger based, killing people, fighting and he really gets into it and you can feel the aggression seeping out.
I never really saw the link before now because he’s always just said it’s his way of unwinding but maybe it’s a coping mechanism or escapism.

But he's not stopping you from doing these things. You're stopping yourself because he won't do them, even to the point of not sitting in the garden on your own.

Part of this might be because you feel that by going off and doing these things by yourself, it shows up your differences in the outside world and brings to the light your feelings of isolation and disappointment, and your fears that different interests could ultimately end your marriage.

You have no control over what he does but total control of what you do. Be glad you have a garden. Be glad you are lucky enough to be able to go to the sea. Many people yearn for these things and never have them. Stop imprisoning yourself and go and do some of the things the first poster suggested. You can only benefit from them.

I no longer go to the beach because he never wants to and I don’t want to go alone

Im confused OP as you initially said the above. Also if you love all outdoorsy things you shouldn’t deny yourself them just because your OH is preoccupied with his own interests. You are your own person and from the sounds of it whilst not an engaged partner he’s not forcing you to stay in at his side either. I think your location sounds amazing and with all due respect it’s on you to find yourself . First step being to carve out a little more independence for yourself. Perhaps a dog would help also.

How did you end up marrying him?
This isn’t a life!
I couldn’t bear the life he expects you to live! You’d be better off alone than with him as you’re on your own anyway. His behavior will affect your kids too. He’s holding you back and you’re worth more. Have more respect for yourself!

As with any addiction, the addict will prioritise their thing over everything else. You, the kids. It sounds as if he has to be wasted with booze if he isn’t gaming. So I see it as you having a choice between:

the status quo

you taking the kids on the activities you would like to do as a family. Ignore him complaining or point out that he doesn’t want to do those things. He can then choose to step into the role he claims to want, or not.

you leaving the marriage completely.

I’d probably favour option 2 for now, then reassess in a while and see if anything has changed. If he starts to show any signs of abuse- taking away your money or access to the outside (car keys etc), swearing at you, giving you the silent treatment- I would revise this and go straight to option 3.

I dont understand how you ended up with someone so completely incompatible with you on every level?

Come on now, @blueberrypuppet - surely you realise you are flogging a dead horse here.

This is the man who is supposed to love you, be kind and considerate to you, be your life partner.

you need to get out of this marriage - as much for your children’s sake as your own.

Can you plan your escape - what’s your work and finance situation?

ETA….. just saw your comment: “His gaming is all anger based, killing people, fighting and he really gets into it and you can feel the aggression seeping out.” - you really, really cannot stay with this man. Surely you must realise that this is a deeply unhealthy environment for your children to grow up in?

This is a really sad existence. Read this back to yourself. What a waste of a life time.

How on earth can you stay in this marriage OP? he sounds bloody awful.

People saying “just go things without him” are missing the point somewhat. OP currently is doing things without him but has come to the realisation that her husband is a boring teenager who doesn’t leave the house. I would leave and find someone who wants to spend time with you. Life is too short to waste it staring at a screen and prioritising online relationships over real ones and you deserve to have fun times with someone you love.

So you're watching him game for hours because it's better than watching TV by yourself?

Ultimately you're going to have to accept that unless you change things up, this is your life. It seems your husband is happy neglecting his wife and children and I have no doubt, you facilitate that as he probably doesn't lift a finger.

If it were me, I'd go for a swim every day, take the children to the beach for ice cream and picnics and get a sun lounger for the garden. You're choosing this life.

Mmmm. That does make the situation more complicated. Especially when he doesn’t understand or has never experienced a model of happy family life and doesn’t know what that looks like. It’s so sad because he has everything at his fingertips but he is turning away from it.

Has he shown any glimmer of understanding about what his behaviour is doing to you and your dc though? Does he understand that he is in danger of losing you all as a family?

I think you need to find a way to convey this more seriously.

He obviously needs therapy but if he is not prepared to work through his anger and avoidance that way; you are not obliged to put up with this for another twenty years. Love is a verb, not just a statement on paper. He has to show you some sort of commitment or compromise to make things bearable for you. Yes you signed up for better or worse but you have to consider seriously what an unhappy marriage and an unhappy mother will do to your children.

How old are your dc op? I anticipate problems in the teen years if your dh doesn’t step up a lot more. If they are very young then I would probably get out now while you can are able to establish a new and different life for you all. If they are older it becomes more complex.

Do you work op? Are you able to become financially independent?

You know by now that you can’t control him or change your dh. So you can only change your response to him. So there are three (possibly four) choices:

** give him a final ultimatum
** get your ducks in a row and prepare to leave
** stay but forge a different and more separate life for yourself within the confines of an unhappy marriage

Good luck op whichever decision you make! Be aware that putting up with this situation and delaying doing anything about it is also a decision, albeit a passive one.

I’m really sorry that you are facing this 💐

Well I think he sounds shit and completely miserable to live with. If it were my dh I’d take the kids out for the whole day and he could come or not, but we wouldn’t be heading home in an hour just because he was there. And my dh is a big football fan and we have one tv. So he watched it on the iPad/ laptop sometimes because I am allowed to watch my tv shows too? Op, you’re miserable because you seem to be trying to keep him in his happy place 100% of the time. Not only does he not care about yours but he also isn’t being a dad to his kids. Mine took our 3 dc all out today while I was at work. How about you think about what him 50% happy looks like and you get to watch some tv and do some day outs with the kids. If your life partner isn’t interested in your happiness then you should be doubly focussed on it.

Just another vote to say this is all really really strange. So he wants you and the kids to stay in the house while he games all weekend? That is no way to live.
You need to break his “rules” and start taking the kids out of a weekend and do what you want to do, if he comes with then great but what he’s not going to do is act like a petulant teenager and play on his phone all day, that’s such an ick and no example to be setting to the kids.
I hope this thread is helping you see how much he’s dulling your sparkle and trying to drag you all down into his little sad pit.

Don’t want to go alone? Why not? I don’t think you can be codependent about things you love to do, get on and do them. We’re here for a good time, not a long time.

He is worse than a teenager - one of mine isn’t that keen on going out but on holiday will stay in the villas while the rest of us do because he cannot dictate what the rest of us do so we compromise

there is no compromise here and trust me as the kids get older it will get worse - you cannot live by these rules and your kids certainly shouldn’t

But he's not, so you either accept it and start doing things on your own, or make the decision to leave him.

Sorry but I find this incredibly controlling.

It’s not normal to avoid taking the kids for a day out because your dh wouldn’t be “best pleased”. You don’t need his permission, Just do it op,

In fact by pandering to him, he doesn’t ever get to feel the full consequences of his behaviour, which is feeling abandoned and lonely. Yes those feelings are probably hard for him given his background. But the way forward is not you and your dc conforming to his dysfunction!

Have you heard of coercive control op? Do you know what it looks like? Have a look at this and scroll down to the definition:

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship